Reading and Recovery

CW: discussion of depression

I’ve recently been through a lot, medically-speaking. I have a very rare disease called idiopathic subglottic stenosis. Basically, my airway grows closed with scar tissue for no known reason. I have had multiple surgeries to open up my airway again. The impact of the diagnosis and the surgeries has been emotional as much as it has been physical, so much so that I found myself in a very depressed, very hopeless place. Did I stay there? No. I booked myself into a psychiatric clinic for 9 days. Hours of intensive therapy later, I’m stronger, more confident, and ready for the next hurdle in this medical maelstrom that I find myself in. Or, at least, more ready than I was.

A Week to Be Wicked
A | BN | K | AB
But you know what made it all manageable? Regency romance, specifically the Tessa Dare school of Regency romance. When I was not in group or individual therapy, I was reading. Reading provided a much-needed respite from the hard graft of excavating my soul in my therapist’s office.

Since I’ve been discharged, I’ve wrestled with a few worrying thoughts (What now? What does my future hold?) and a few more ponderous thoughts – in this case, why Regency romance – a genre I haven’t read in years? While my answers to the latter question are by no means definitive or complete (and my answers to the former questions remain a mystery) I wanted to share some of them with you to see if this resonates with you, too.

The Duchess Deal
A | BN | K | AB
First, I asked myself, why reading? Do I read to escape? Is it the escapism that gives me the space and time to heal? Maybe. While my subconscious wrestles with the truth bombs dropped on me by my diligent, insightful therapist, I can relax in a world of flounces and fops. Yes, there are emotional upheavals, but I’m held safe in the knowledge that peacefulness will triumph over uncertainty and fear. How often does that happen in real life?

Reading generally gives me the space I need to heal and process things. It also gives me a break from staring into the proverbial abyss. But why did I find myself buying (figurative) stacks of Regency romance novels?

Regency romance, while popular, is not without its justified critics. Let’s be real: it can be very White and very privileged. Regency romance presents us with such a carefully constructed interpretation of the past that it often has more in common with fantasy. There are far greater minds than mine who have read and said things on this point.

So why did I turn to Regency romance in this, my hour of need? I came up with a few reasons.

Reason, the first. I needed bold heroines who stood out from the crowd. With a pipe in my neck (aka a tracheostomy) and a fat body, I do not blend in. I stand out and that’s something I’m still getting used to. People stare, they ask questions, they comment, and it’s all exhausting. Heroines in these books become admired and praised for what makes them different. It is that very difference that the hero may find attractive. Yes, please!

The Wallflower Wager
A | BN | K | AB
Reason, the second. I needed to exist in a space that had no ties at all to my real day-to-day life except emotional resonance. Regency provides a glorious fantasy wonderland of balls and dukes and breeches that I can slip into, in much the same way that I slip into a hot bath. But instead of the fear and potential terror of fantasy elements such as special powers, fairies, werewolves, or terrifying abominations, the tension often stems from emotions and internal conflict. Their emotional journeys feel real, and this connection I feel to the characters soothes my deep need for fulfillment and comfort.

Reason, the third. I needed a brooding hero and not because it’s what I find attractive (my partner is a cinnamon roll IRL). I think it has to do with something Sarah pointed out to me in edits: I’m a bit envious of those brooding dukes. I, too, want to be angry, taciturn and grouchy. I want to just let my emotions BE and not constantly manage them based on societal expectations. I want that freedom! And Regency romance gifts me with a plethora of brooding heroes. They’re all tousled curls and dour faces, with hearts of gold underneath. Bliss!

Bitchery, what about you? Do you love reading while you’re recovering from illness or surgery? Anyone else out there find themselves reaching for the Regency?

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  1. Lilaea says:

    I have absolutely reread Courtney Milan as part of a coping with CPTSD management plan. A lot of the time it’s about feeling worthy of being cared for/protected which is Really Hard for me. So it’s not a specific genre but more specific authors who are like ‘your trauma won’t be cured but you can have and are worthy of love and kindness and babies and protection’

  2. TamB. says:

    It’s not related to recovery but I do have a curated “Survival” folder on my kindle with comfort reads across genres. This folder is what I turn to to get through visits from a toxic relation. I don’t want new. I just want guaranteed quality “hit the spot” reading.

    Wishing you excellent regency reads going forward.

  3. SandyH says:

    I know where you are coming from sort of. In May, I experienced a very scary to me experience of a muscle spasm in my right leg which made it very, very painful to walk. We were on vacation. I could not get comfortable. We canceled the vacation and came home. I went to the doctor. I am now in physical therapy. During this time, I have read constantly to escape the pain. Reading has helped me to get through this experience. I have read new books and old favorites. I recommend Loretta Chase as well. Wishing you a speedy recovery.

  4. Qualisign says:

    Lara, thank you for your incredibly thoughtful and painful discussion of reading and dealing with ongoing psychological and physical trauma. Your insights into why you read Regency romances for relief demonstrate an amazing self awareness. Reading this post is both painful (the on-going trauma that you are suffering is horrendous) but filled with hope (you have a therapist that appears to know what they’re doing). Each of our journeys are different, but it is so good to know that there are others out here [especially, I have found, in SBTB-land] finding our own paths through the morass. No therapists allowed for me, but books have been my salvation for 60+ years. Blessings on your head, Lara.

  5. EB says:

    Regency romance – also Tessa Dare’s work actually – helped me come out of Postpartum Depression 10 years ago. Very grateful for her.

  6. So much empathy, Lara. Reading and re-reading Georgette Heyer novels was what got me through the emotionally painful first months after being diagnosed with a lifelong chronic illness/disability. There’s something about that sparkly, distant – and yes, artificial/ahistorical – setting that can feel incredibly relaxing, especially when humor is involved.

    I’m so glad you’re looking after yourself. <3

  7. Vivi12 says:

    I’m so glad Recency romance could help you in such a difficult situation, and your understanding of why it worked is so insightful. I found Elizabeth Bright’s THE DUKE’S WICKED WIFE to have some of the fizzy joy of Tessa Dare’s writing when I needed an uplift.

  8. Elle G says:

    Laura, thank you so much for being vulnerable and sharing your story. I imagine many people can relate, and it’s helpful to know not only what helps, but also identifying the why.

    I personally love romance as a genre because most of the time, we’re guaranteed a HEA that we’re not guaranteed IRL. Romance can take so many different forms – I just finished the Treasure Hunters Security Series by Anna Hackett which gave me a dose of adventure (and a little too much “tortured hero who doesn’t deserve love” TBH.) Next, I’ll read something historical to take me to a very different time and place. This is also why I love writers like Elizabeth Hunter and Nalini Singh, who write so creatively of worlds I could never conceive myself!

    I’m used to travelling for work regularly and meeting lots of new people, and being at home by myself this past year left me feeling really stuck, lonely, and desirous of different vistas. I read more last year than (I think) any other year of my life – well over 300 books – and I’m on track to match that again this year. TV and other media are great, but there’s nothing like reading to fill my soul!

  9. berrygone says:

    Sending you healing thoughts and positive vibes. Thank you for sharing your story. A few years ago I was listening to one of the podcasts where someone (Maybe Amanda?) mentioned depression symptoms. It was an eye opener for me. I recognized them. That podcast prompted me to get an appointment at a mental health clinic. Sure enough, I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. Someone here sharing her story inspired me to get help and take care of myself. I also read for escapism. What I love about romance is the safety of knowing that no matter what hell the heroine/hero goes through, they will not only survive, but they will be happy and thriving by the end. Sometimes I need that hopefulness.

  10. SB Sarah says:

    @Berrygone: I’m so pleased you got some help and that you recognized something was wrong. I hope you’re feeling much better now – and that you have excellent reading to keep you company.

  11. Phoebe says:

    Yes. Surgery this year and newly diagnosed with polymyalgia rheumatica. I have been digging back into urban fantasy. That seems to be my comfort zone. Thanks to you all I also discovered how much I love Murderbot. Ha. Hitting comfort reads has truly been a blessing.

  12. JoanneBB says:

    Regency and paranormal romances are my escapes, because the worlds they contain bear no relationship to my day to day reality. I’m glad the regencies are helping you right now. (And “A Week to be Wicked” is one of my comfort reads 🙂 )

  13. Lisa D says:

    Lara, I’ve suffered from depression since my teens (I’m in my 50s). I am pleased you found extra support in Regency romances. I think your points may be why I enjoy them too.

  14. tee says:

    Hey, Lara, cheers to feeling more confident and ready.
    This is super interesting, because… YES, I do find that I read novels which are from “beforetimes” when I’m feeling particularly ill with my chronic pain/autoimmune disorder. I just hadn’t noticed exactly! Thinking about it, it’s the constraints under which the femmes of Ye Olden Days operated which parallel the restrictions my body places on me, and the limitations to my activities. Their grace under pressure is an obscure sort of comfort. Who knew!

  15. Gloriamarie Amalfitano says:

    Lara, I am sorry that you have had to put up with all of this.

    I have had Major Depressive Disorder with Anxiety since I was 9 years old. I have been in therapy every week of my life. I’ve done recovery work, a CODA 12 Step group, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Dialectical Behavior Therapy. On 2/17.1995 I was deemed disabled.

    All of the treatment modalities were very useful but for me DBT was transformative. So much so that in Dec, 2019 I was told I had no symptoms of depression at all and I did not believe my psychiatrist. I didn’t believe my therapist when I was told in 1/20, 2/20, 3/20 but by 7/20, despise the worries of COVID, in quarantine, not even able to go to the doctor’s office, I finally believed the mental health professionals. In fact, I was thriving during quarantine. I had art, classical music, my prayer life, knitting, politics, Outlander on Netflix, so many resources that I was thriving.

    In Jan 2021, I certified as a Peer Support Specialist and now I volunteer at my mental health clinic where I was a patient. I teach gratitude, journaling, art journaling, developing healthy habits, etc. I want to offer all of us who face some form of neurodiversity that there is HOPE. Because we have agency, we can choose how to be. We can choose to be trapped by our symptoms or look at them as a challenge to do better to be better.

    As for the reading that helped me… I am a strong believer in research so I read a lot of psychology books. I especially love the work of the existential psychologists: Frankl; the May brothers; Hycener; Yalom, etc.

    In romance reading I have to admit after decades of devotion to the Regency romance, I burned out. What turned me off was the lack of history, just plain ignoring it, really.

    For years now I have loved science fiction by so many authors. I really LOVE paranormal romance. Especially dragon shifters. There are too many authors and series I love. I especially love a good series, although, after 17 volumes in the Black Daggerhood, I had to take a break. The Wild Hunt series still keeps me going, as does the Children of the Gods series, I can’t believe I have read over 45 in that series and I am still intrigued.

  16. Liz says:

    Thank you for sharing that, Lara.
    I have multiple sclerosis. For years in my mid-20s—around the time when my MS got debilitating enough for me to finally be diagnosed—I literally couldn’t think straight. It was like there was a shroud between my mind and everything else. I didn’t have the processing capabilities or attention span to read anything longer than a short article.
    Then I began treatment and started working to rebuild my cognitive abilities. I was able to reread the Song of the Lioness quartet, which I’d loved dearly as a kid. It helped remind me who I was and encouraged me to keep going. I still get brain fog, and I have a lot less energy than other people my age (now mid-30s). But overall I’m like a different person, and I don’t know if I’d be who I am today without books.
    I didn’t get into genre romance until I was in my late 20s, but now I go through at least two or three novels per week. Mostly contemporary, but I definitely have a soft spot for Tessa Dare and especially Courtney Milan. I read in the morning while I wait for my meds and coffee to kick in, at night while I wait to be able to fall asleep, and at the times in between when I’m too tired/foggy to do much of anything else. Sometimes reading is what allows me to feel connected with the rest of the world. And, like you said, it “generally gives me the space I need to heal and process things.”
    I’m so grateful to the romance authors who’ve made that possible and, when my social life was nonexistent because of MS, taught me so much about not just romantic relationships but friendships and family as well. <3

  17. Kareni says:

    @Lara, thank you for sharing your story. I send good wishes for your mental and physical well being. Frankly, I send the same to all who read this. I’m glad that books bring you pleasure and help you cope; I have a number of books that do the same for me.

  18. Darlynne says:

    Books as part of therapy have grounded me so many times. I tend to look for “darker than where I am right now” when needed. Maybe there’s some anger in that, too, as SB Sarah so wisely observed.

    Elizabeth Berg, in her wonderful TALK BEFORE SLEEP, likened women/their female friendships to the matriarchal structure of elephant herds; how we run toward each other in trouble or danger. She also wrote that women approach difficult situations with a “show me what needs to be done, and by God, I will make it happen” attitude.

    Lara and all who have shared your stories: Thank you. You may never know who or how far your words reach; just know that you are a force for good in this world.

  19. DiscoDollyDeb says:

    Lara—sending good thoughts and best wishes your way. Although nowhere near what you are currently facing, I am now in physical therapy for a pinched nerve in my lower back that made walking damn near impossible for a couple of weeks in May. I’m able to walk now—with a discernible limp, but I’m ambulatory. The key element I’m having to come to grips with is something the physical therapist told me: because of my age (almost 64), I might not regain complete range of motion—even with surgery. I don’t like to think of myself as being “an old lady,” but I’m getting there! For the times when I need escape, I have a keeper shelf of what I refer to as “my reliable comfort re-reads”—except for Mary Balogh’s THE DEVIL’S WEB (one of her very early and extremely angsty books), none of them are Regencies, in fact, none of the rest of them are even historical romances, but they are the books that give me the greatest comfort and transport me to another place. I do like angsty and, in many cases, I like rather dark storylines—they just hit the sweet spot for me. It’s definitely a “different strokes” thing, but we all deserve a safe place where we can escape from reality once in a while.

  20. chacha1 says:

    I’ve always been a reader and cannot isolate any given genre to a given stage of life, though I have definitely shifted. I began writing in a serious way in 2012 during a non-optimal employment situation. Then in 2018, certain I was facing what would be the 5th layoff of my working life, ‘serious’ turned to ‘constant.’ My depression/anxiety issues are situational and hormonal, but reading & writing definitely help me cope.

    I read romance for the same reason I write it: because in these books, people have good outcomes. I know so many people whose lives have been limited, if not outright ruined, by illness, job loss, parental interference, peer pressure, etc. In the best romance novels, people achieve their dreams. Though my own dreams are mostly beyond me, at least my characters can achieve theirs. 🙂

  21. Leslee says:

    I’m really fascinated by your insight into the ways in which you see yourself or who you wish you could be in these books. I suffer from a number of chronic conditions that I manage enough to consider myself able-bodied even though, realistically, I suspect that’s me still not having accepted a number of things. There is no question, however, that I have Depression and ADHD, and have for all of my adult life and much of my adolescent. I say this to position the ways in which I might reasonably identify with the experiences you are having, and the ways in which I cannot and would not presume to.

    The thing is, I love historical because I generally cannot identify with the people in them. I can enjoy and appreciate them, but I don’t have to see myself in them, I don’t have to feel any anger and frustration at the fact that they will inevitably get an HEA, I can just feel happy for them. Whereas, in contemporaries, I feel inadequate, often, in relation to the characters and what they manage.

    (That said, it can be hard, because I’m often hyper aware, as someone who’s Jewish and lesbian and lives with a sign-language interpreter who teaches me constantly about audism, about WHO gets to escape. This has narrowed who I’m willing to read considerably, and means I can get thrown out of books much more easily than I used to. It’s one of the reasons I appreciate this site so much, I find I can generally rely on reviews here to let me know if there’s a content warning I might need for a book.)

    Basically, I love this article, and your honesty, and that we read for almost the exact opposite reason in some ways and still love these books all the same. All the best to you, and thinking healthy thoughts in your direction.

  22. Regencyfan93 says:

    @Gloriamarie Amalfitano, i used to read regencies exclusively. One if my favorite authors is Carla Kelly. She is a historian and does research. Somehow the book feels truer to me when the history sounds real.

    Also I lose interest when I read a book where the heroine says something anachronistic “like totally OMG woke” Okay, that’s an exaggeration, but early 21st century way of speaking is different than early 19th century speech.

    I fell down the m/m romance rabbit hole about 10 years ago because of an ad here on SBTB. Now the regencies I read are m/m by people such as Cat Sebastian, or Bonnie Dee and Summer Devon.

  23. Laura says:

    Lara, #1 you are a brave woman. Your analogy for reading Regency romance is something I haven’t been able to articulate. Thank you for this. Take care of yourself.

  24. Crystal says:

    Lara, thoughts, prayers, Care Bear Stares, vibbbeessss, all in your direction. The work is hard, but you’re doing it.

    I very much associate Dare’s work with comfort. Some years back, I got a cold/flu thing that knocked me onto my ass for a few days. Nothing terrible, although I felt like hammered death for the days in question. My preorder of A Scot Ties the Knot had just hit my Kindle. I considered hanging onto it, and then it occurred to me. For what? I was sick, being sick put me in a foul mood, and this was bound to help. And help it did. There is absolutely power in something that takes your brain, and basically gives it a blanket, some hot chocolate, and a puppy. It’s soothing, and a loving thing to do for that brain and body.

  25. Bec says:

    Tara, thank you for sharing your story, your medical journey, and your new relationship with Regency. I think you articulated why I’m drawn to Historical romance so much. I struggle with depression and anxiety, have had therapy (highly recommend). When I feel particularly fragile, I pick up a historical romance or paranormal romance. Last year it was Elizabeth Hoyt’s Maiden Lane or Nalini Singh’s Psi-Changeling. And when I pick up a contemporary, I aim for a Rom-Com.

  26. Tessa Dare says:

    I hope it’s ok for me to comment. Lara tagged me on Twitter, so I hope that means it’s all right.

    Lara, first of all— thank you for helping me understand why I like some of the things I like about historicals! It’s strange, but sometimes it hard to understand from the inside.

    Second, I admire your perseverance through so many surgeries, and your courage—because god knows it takes courage—in seeking out treatment for your depression when you needed it. And then writing about it takes yet more bravery. I feel 100% sure that someone reading this will be inspired to seek the treatment they need because of your post. Thank you for that. This is going to sound so cheesy, but it’s sincere: maybe my heroines are the women you want to read, but women like you are the heroines I want to write. So, you know, this goes both ways.

    I have anxiety and depression, and though meds and therapy had it pretty well managed, lockdown threw me for a loop—as it did for many of us. I basically wrote nothing for a year, but the romance community has been there for me with patience and understanding. It makes me think this is one of the reasons picking up a romance can be a balm during rough times—it somehow gives us the sense that we’re among friends.

    Thank you, friend. ❤️

  27. denise says:

    Reading, especially romance, got me through the pandemic. Regency is my favorite historical period. I leaned on it so hard.

    Reading has also helped me with three separate autoimmune disease diagnoses.

  28. SB Sarah says:

    @Tessa: you are absolutely welcome, and thank you for being here.

  29. Lara says:

    Wow. I am overwhelmed by your responses – so kind and generous! Thank you for making sharing so easy. And Tessa, a special thank you to the author of my comfort reads!

  30. Musette says:

    Lara, first let me say thank you for sharing your story – your strength and resilience is admirable!
    Wishing you recovery, health and happiness.
    Regarding Historicals – I wrote about this in my Posse post ‘A Fine Romance’, which chronicles my recent immersion into the genre (not flogging the post here – just wanted a jumping-off point and The Bitchery figures prominently in the post because I LOVE YOU ALL!) – anyhoo, as an older, multiethnic Afro-Latina living a socially & ethnically isolated life (sudden move to rural Midwest, then divorce, etc) I am prone to … not depression per se.. but years ago I was diagnosed with a mild case of anxiety-based depression, which is largely managed by increased physical and intellectual exercise. However, there are moments when it gets to be a bit much and I turn to the Historicals (especially Heyer and for Hot Monkey Sex and good writing, Kleypas and MacLean) precisely because they are Not Me. It’s so Not Me that it becomes real fantasy. There is comfort in the rigidity of the time and the social constraints. Since the Alpha Male Hs are not drawn as fiends I am free to bask in their fabulousness without fear of censure (that’s tougher to do in our contemporary times). It’s total escapism, with the knowledge that HEA is always happening, the guys are hung/rich/fabulous lovers – and completely in thrall to the heroine, which dilutes any concerns about their Alpha behavior (and it’s why I don’t delve too deeply into other writers. This genre requires deftness and Kleypas and MacLean deliver. According to you, Ms Dare does as well). None of our current issues get in the way – there is NO ‘irl’ in a Historical (even Kleypas, who skirts a cultural issue with the Gypsy men, gives us an easy out, so we don’t have to overthink it.
    I turn to Kleypas and MacLean when the world is too much with me. Now you’ve intro’d me to Tessa Dare and, with that, I may never get any work done, ever again! 😉

    Wishing you all the best and, again, thanks for sharing this wonderful post! xo

  31. Kelly says:

    I’ve had chronic pain for 17 years. Since March of last year, I’ve been so sick I had a PICC line of antibiotics for two weeks (culminating in a partial amputation of a finger), I lost the ability to walk (twice!) due to bursitis, had eight months of full hives and a diagnosis of autoimmune hives, and just a few weeks ago, a fibromyalgia diagnosis (because I wasn’t specific enough for any other autoimmune disease).

    To say I’ve been reading a lot is an understatement.

    My go-to is Lucy Parker. Her books take me away like nothing else. After that, Courtney Milan, Deborah Geary, David & Leigh Eddings, and Steven Brust take my thoughts away from…everything. I read because I can travel in my mind, I can ignore my body and pain and fatigue and be someplace else. It’s an escape when the mediations don’t work — or in that long period between taking them and them kicking in.

    Books are my bribes. Did PT? Get book credit! Cleaned the full kitchen? Read for the next three hours! I’m not proud… but I’m not not proud. We gotta do what we gotta do to live in the bodies we have.

    Chronic pain and fatigue and invisible illnesses take their toll, and having folks to talk with who get it is really important. If anyone’s feeling isolated in their space, I’d really encourage Instagram as a lovely place where people are really present, supportive, and engaged.

    I hope you’re feeling better, Lara!

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