Elyse Watches The Bachelorette–S17 E8: A Clipshow and Pointless Drama

Happy Bachelorette night! Somehow we’re cramming Hometowns and The Men Tell All into 2 hours.

I’m already tired.

[Ed. note: I am, too.]

I have a BFC (big fuckin can) of cherry Whiteclaw and Pudding has a new catnip kicker.

Judging from her expression she’s already feeling the ‘nip.

Also there are like no photos of tonight’s episode. No idea what’s up with that.

So we start off with Katie telling Tayshia she’s uncomfortable telling more than one man she’s in love with them, and Tayshia advises her to do it because it might help the relationship progress.

Then we see Michael talking to his son, James, and James says he thinks his dad went away because he doesn’t want to see him. Michael gets really upset.

Now, for the record I’m not a parent, but James is pretty little and it seems to me it was more of a random thing a kid blurts out, but I could be wrong. My niece once told me about her invisible friend who pulled out his own eyes because he didn’t like their color, just totally nonchalantly.

Anyway, Michael goes to Katie’s room and tells him James’ comment changed things for him. He decides he has to go home. They both cry. Katie says, “I saw us going to the end.”

Michael says Katie taught him how to love again. There’s a lot of sad music. It’s very drawn out.

“It just doesn’t feel right,” Katie says to the camera. “Our connection is still there and our connection is still unexplored.”

Lady, you can still call him after this bullshit show is over.

So then I guess we’re not doing Hometowns, we’re going right into the Men Tell All. This is mostly a clipshow and pointless drama. Kaitlyn and Tayshia are hosting and both look amazing.

“I love man tears,” Tayshia says of the season’s drama.

They are so much better than Chris Harrison.

Aaron tells the audience that Cody posted on social media that he’d be “famous in 6 months.” Brendan confirms he saw the post.

Karl says that the house gangs up on people and it’s a witch hunt. The guys confront him about the time he told Katie some of the guys were there for the wrong reasons even though he wouldn’t name names because he said he didn’t have all the information. Basically they accuse him of starting shit, and Karl says he was talking about Thomas.

Then Karl says Brendan went on the show for a free ticket to the United States (he’s from Ontario) and so he could drink free beer the whole time. Clearly Karl reads my recaps because free booze and travel is my thesis on why ANYONE goes on this show.

Brendan asks him if he was there for Katie and then Karl says that Brendan should “shut the fuck up.”

What is even happening right now?

After a commercial break, Tre says not everyone goes on the show to be The Bachelor. He says he was there to get a rose.

Sure, dude.

Then there’s a big debate if Hunter lied when he told the drag queens he wasn’t in love with Katie, but told Katie a moment after he was falling in love. Hunter says there’s a difference between being in love and falling in love. Connor B, the guy who dressed up like a cat, says he was Hunter’s roommate and he thinks Hunter was being honest.

Tayshia and Kaitlyn turn to Connor. He says it was hard hearing Katie say she didn’t feel a spark with him. When they address him being a bad kisser, he puts a pillow in front of his face. He says when he got home he texted people he had kissed in the past to see if he was any good.

Then some random lady stands up and says she watched him on the show, he’s “absolutely adorable,” and can’t possibly be a bad kisser. So the guys cheer him on while he kisses a complete stranger on the mouth in the age of Covid-19.

She rates the kiss at 11 and he asks her out.

Then it’s Andrew’s time in the “hot seat.” He says he was never in love with anyone like he was with Katie. They talk a little bit about how Andrew brought up the subject of interracial relationships and the challenges they might face.

Then Michael comes up. He’s got a beard now. He says he’s working the “juggling act” that all single parents face taking care of their child and looking for a relationship for themselves.

Kaitlyn asks him if Katie wanted a second chance, would he do it? He says, “100%.”

After a commercial, we get a clip of the men trashing talking each other during a basketball game. They are not good.

“Where did you get that shirt, a shirt store?” Connor B asks.

Tre says someone’s backbone was made of Jell-O. He claims he was nervous and he blacked out in the moment.

Then they talk about the WOWO challenge, which was when they were challenged not to masturbate for a week. Michael admits he broke the contest. Tre says the filming process was so exhausting and they were so sleep deprived that he didn’t care and was just trying to survive.

We get footage of Kaitlyn’s fiancé proposing to her. It didn’t happen on the show, for the record.

Then Katie comes out.

Kaitlyn tells Katie that Michael would be up for a second chance. Katie says “My ending was ultimately how everything was supposed to happen. I’m a big believer that everything happens for a reason.”

Andrew says Katie “created a man” out of him.

At one point Katie accidentally calls Aaron, “Thomas.” Everyone laughs.

Connor sings another song about how he didn’t get love, but he got 30 new friends.

Then they bring Thomas on via videochat. Katie says he didn’t feel genuine. She also said she had an intuition about him early on. Thomas stands by the fact that he was there for Katie.

At the very end we get some bloopers. And that’s it. Are you still watching?