Elyse Watches The Bachelorette–S17 E6: WOWO

Welcome to the day of the week where I white-knuckle grip an adult beverage and also my grip on reality as I recap The Bachelorette.

But first…

An important update..

For those of you who asked, yes, Pudding is still with us although we may have a permanent placement for her in the not too distant future.

She is still regal and beautiful and the boss of the house.

In addition to Lady P, we’ve also been helping foster bottle baby Ivy.

So now that you’ve been inundated with cute, let’s move on to the show.

When we open, Katie is talking to Tayshia and Kaitlyn, and she wants the guys to agree to a no masturbation challenge.

“Don’t they have roommates? How do they do these things? In the shower?” Kaitlyn asks.

“I’ve heard some things, ” Katie confirms.

Well, I can see we’re off to a great start.

Kaitlyn, cackling, delivers the “WOWO” challenge (week-off, whack-off). The guys seems stunned. I guess when you have no access to the internet, TV or books, there isn’t a lot else to do.

But seriously, in a house with like 20 other guys, plus crew, plus cameras…where are you finding the privacy to diddle? I guess you go outside for a long walk, but every single outdoor shot we’ve seen has either a Canada goose or a wild turkey, and you don’t fuck with either of those. You don’t want to be caught with your hand down your pants with a mad goose nearby.

The first one-on-one goes to Justin.

Meanwhile Hunter confides in Greg that he thinks he, Greg, and Connor B are in the top 4.

Back to the one-on-one. Katie and Justin meet up with photographer Franco to pose for fake wedding pictures. They sip champagne and write fake vows. Justin freaks out because maybe he doesn’t know this isn’t a real wedding. IDK.

So they dress up in a wedding dress and tux, read their fake vows, and then take photos. It’s incredibly tedious.

Later that night the guys are making fun of Blake for supposedly being out of breath after he cleans up (therefore allegedly masturbating). Then the group date card comes, and Hunter’s name is on it meaning he’s not getting the next one-on-one.

At they dinner they aren’t allowed to eat, Katie tells Justin thinking about weddings is hard because her dad won’t be there. She also reveals that before her dad died, she found out he’s not her biological father. It’s not clear if her dad knew that knew that. Meanwhile her bio dad is looking for a relationship.

Without a breath to unpack any of that, Katie gives Justin the date rose and then they go to one of those weird pop up concerts.

Next up is the group date and Katie is wearing a beaded corset and pleated leather pants and I’m not sure how I feel about that.

Drag Queens Shea Coulee and Monet X Change are there to help the men throw shade at each other. They show off their skills by making fun of Hunter for being short.

Monet asks Hunter if he’s love with Katie and he just answers by saying, “I don’t throw around that term lightly.”

Greg has no idea what the fuck he’s doing and writes a terrible poem that doesn’t throw shade at anyone.

A bunch of guys call out Hunter on his top 4 list, and he lies and says he doesn’t have one. Then he says he’s falling in love with Katie. Tre is like WTF and points out that he heard Hunter answer that differently a minute ago.

Hunter refuses to shade any of the guys. He tells Katie he thinks she’s the woman he wants to spend his life with.

The entire date is a disaster. Everyone gangs up on Hunter or doesn’t understand what they’re supposed to do.

During the cocktail hour Katie tells Greg she’s falling for him.

Then Blake tells Katie that after a day he’s struggling with the WOWO challenge. He’s a “daily guy” and more than daily on the weekends, apparently.

Multiple guys tell Katie they know Hunter lied to her. She pulls him aside. He tells her other guys have been ganged up on and he can “only handle my side of the street.”

Katie says she’s so upset she’s physically ill. We hear her in the bathroom barfing. She decides to call it a night and not hand out a rose.

Also I think Mike is wearing a black turtleneck, blue velvet jacket and silver cross like he’s playing Vampire: The Masquerade.

So then it’s time for Connor B’s one-on-one date. Katie tells the camera she doesn’t feel a spark or a passion when they kiss.

They go on a double date with Kaitlyn and Jason (IDK who he is and I don’t care enough to Google). They grill out and play games.

Kaitlyn tells Katie that she and Jason started as friends. Katie hopes they’ll have their magic moment when they next kiss. They eventually do.

Then we see Connor getting ready for the dinner part of the date, but Katie is still in her room in a hoodie. She walks down the hall and knocks on his door. She’s in tears as she sits down and tells him he’s done nothing wrong, but she just doesn’t feel a spark with him.

“God, how bad of a kisser am I?” Connor asks the camera, devastated. He says goodbye to the other guys in the house who are shocked.

Back in her room, Katie cries. She says that saying goodbye to Connor is heartbreaking. She said it’s hard because he ticks all of the boxes of the type of man she’s hoping to find, but, “We’re just missing this one thing we can’t even control.”

Then we hear country music and Blake is under her balcony holding a boom box Say Anything style. He comes up to Katie’s room and they make out. Katie says she feels “overwhelming passion” for Blake.

Then it’s time for the pre Dreaded Rose Ceremony cocktail hour. The guys feel uncertain because they didn’t expect Connor to go home.

Katie tells them, “I’m the point where time isn’t going to make a difference tonight. I have strong relationships with guys in the house and I’m at the point where I owe it to them and I owe it to myself to be very intentional with where my heart is and what I want to do with my time going forward.”

So then we go… you got it… STRAIGHT TO ROSE!

There are only six roses which means four guys are going home.

Katie asks Hunter if they can go outside and talk.

Aaron says, “Oh my God, dude. Why is my heart pounding?”

You’re tachycardic?

They kinda talk and then Hunter comes back in and joins the guys again.

THIS IS SO EXHAUSTING.

In the end, Hunter, Tre, Aaron and James go home.

That’s it. Are you still watching?