Elyse Watches The Bachelorette–S17 E5: A Different Type of Bro Code

CW for discussions of sexual assault.

Happy Bachelorette Day! I just finished watching a movie where Chris Pratt is a science teacher who time travels to the future to stop an alien apocalypse, and yet somehow I expect tonight’s episode will be worse than that.

At least the Worst Chris movie had JK Simmons in it.

We open up with Tayshia telling the dudes that Blake will be joining the house. When Blake shows up, it’s tense. He tells the guys he knows exactly how they feel. Blake also gets the one-on-one date, which pisses the other guys off.

They are going horseback riding, and Blake admits he’s scared of horses.

“I can’t speed it up, can I?” Blake asks of the horse.

No, Blake, that’s a one-speed horse. You don’t get a 10-speed till your 10th birthday or when Santa brings it.

Later they make out in a pile of hay, which seems incredibly itchy to me, but ok.

During the dinner they aren’t allowed to eat, Blake asks Katie what makes her open and sex positive. Katie tells him that she was sexually assaulted while intoxicated. She said the Me Too movement helped her come to terms with her assault and feel able to talk about sex in a healthy way.

Blake says he will always be mindful of her trauma and he never wants Katie to worry about being unsafe with him.

Katie gives him the date rose and they go to one of those weird pop-up concert thingies.

So then the next day is the group date. Wells Adams and Franco Lacosta are there to host  a game that’s some kind of mashup between rugby and basketball. The guys have to dress in these very revealing singlets.

“This is the worst day I’ve ever had in my life,” Michael says. “All the guys are shredded and I’m here with my Dad Bod.”

I know nothing about sportsball in general, but the rules appear to be something like basketball where you don’t dribble and can tackle each other.

Hunter is really aggressive with his tackling and hits Michael A from behind. Medics have to come out and check him. He’s okay and Katie decides the game is over and everyone will come to the cocktail party.

Every single season there’s some kind of sporting activity that’s inherently aggressive, someone gets hurt, and the Bachelor/ette acts shocked and appalled.

Katie tells Michael that it was emotional seeing him get hit. He tells her yesterday was his late wife’s birthday and that Katie brings him comfort.

Later Connor B plays the ukulele for her.

Meanwhile the other guys talk shit about Hunter being too aggressive.

Hunter tells the camera, “I don’t want to sound cocky or over-confident, but there’s no one else like me here.”

Later Hunter shows Katie pictures of his kids. She says that he looks happier and lighter in the pictures, and he says he wants her to meet his kids.

This episode is so boring, you guys.

Later Michael tells the guys about his late wife. He cries and Greg sits next to him and hugs him.

During their one-on-one time Katie tells Greg he has “permanent sad face” and he looks like a “lost puppy dog.” She tells him one of her biggest fears is him leaving, and he promises not to. He tells the camera he’s falling in love with Katie.

In the end, Hunter gets the date rose.

The next one-on-one date goes to Andrew S. Katie shows up in this Black Widow-y looking catsuit and two lanterns. They walk into the woods.

“What I am about to do, fight a bear or something?” Andrew S asks.

Don’t be ridiculous. ABC doesn’t have bear money in the budget.

There are a bunch of fairy light set up in the woods with envelopes strewn among them. Each envelope contains a challenge like, “show off your signature dance moves.” They break clay hearts. I have no clue what this date is even about.

Andrew S says that his parents’ marriage taught him not to leave his partner hanging or miss out on any moments.

My cat, Chips, is so annoyed we aren’t in bed yet. It’s sleepy time.

During dinner, Andrew S reveals that when he was six, his dad was incarcerated. He said it was hard growing up without a father. As a result it’s important for him to be there for his future kids.

“I hate that I have to have this conversation,” Andrew says. “But the fact that I do is because I see something there. I am a black man and you’re a white woman and interracial couples… there are things people look at differently.”

He reveals one of his exes was worried about having biracial children. He says, “She was worried about going to a grocery store and have someone ask ‘are these your kids’ and they won’t look like her.”

Katie says, “I feel so naïve as a White woman about your experiences as a Black man, especially a Black man trying to date a White woman. I think our love would be beautiful and our children would be just as beautiful as that love and I don’t give a fuck when people want to look at me.”

Then they make out in a hot tub for awhile. Katie gives him the date rose.

Then some arbitrary amount of time elapses (I assume time operates different in the Rose God’s world) and it’s time for The Dreaded Rose Ceremony.

Hunter reflects that he was aggressive and got a rose, so he’s going to continue on that track. He brought a telescope from home and they look at the night sky.

Some of the other guys are annoyed because he already has a rose and he’s taking time away from the guys who don’t. James tries to interrupt them, but Hunter shuts him down. James is wearing a black turtleneck with a chain under a suit coat. In the desert.

Tre and James tell Hunter he should be more considerate because he has a rose. Hunter says he’s competing for the same love they are.

“They felt we’re under a different line of bro code,” Hunter says.

Then it’s time for The Dreaded Rose Ceremony. The guys line up on those little risers they use for grade school concerts. Josh, Quartney and Andrew M go home.

And that’s it. This episode was incredibly dull. Are you watching?