Elyse Watches The Bachelorette–S17 E4: Why the Fuck is He Here Now?

We open with a shot of the New Mexico countryside which includes a couple of turkeys, and then Thomas running down a path.

Better look out, Thomas. Turkeys are mean and also dumb, and I’ve seen them chase joggers.

We cut back to the house where the other guys are talking about how much they dislike Thomas. He admitted he came on the show to be the next Bachelor and despite the fact that the rest of them did the same thing, he had the audacity to say it out loud with his actual mouth.

Then it’s time for the group date where the guys are playing truth or dare. Mike has to eat a platter of Twinkies. Andrew S has to talk dirty to Katie, and he does it in a fake English accent. Greg has to do the same dare. Both of them are awful.

“Oh my God, he felt good about that,” Kaitlyn says.

Tre lets Christian wax his ass crack.

Also this date has just been dares. No truths.

Then the guys have to eat a habanero pepper and propose to Katie while suffering the burn. Andrew S immediately touches his eye, then screams, then wants to know why someone didn’t warn him not to do that.

Cuz we didn’t think you needed to be told “Don’t put that hot shit in your eyes, Andrew.”

Jesus Christ.

After he eats his pepper Greg tells Katie he loves her in a blur of pain-endued words. She points out that this is the first time he’s said he loves her. Then he drinks a pitcher of milk.

During the cocktail hour, Andrew S gives Katie Taco Bell (which I guess is a thing she likes?). He also says he doesn’t think a woman has ever understood him. They they make out with their gross post-eating mouths.

Katie tells Greg she’s falling for him.

Then there’s debate between Tre and Andrew S about whether or not they need to talk to Katie about Thomas (who wasn’t on the date). Tre feels like he has to tell Katie that Thomas is manipulative. Andrew S thinks she can figure things out on her own.

Eventually Tre does tell Katie that Thomas came on the show to be the Bachelor, which she feels means he wasn’t open to falling in love. Katie says she’s devastated. We see her standing in a dark hallway, crying while a producer hugs her.

“You guys don’t want drama, but you make it,” Andrew says. “This has a ripple effect. It just makes us look bad.”

Katie tells the guys she wants to know this stuff and not to mistake her frustration as anger toward them. She gives the date rose to Tre, which upsets Andrew S.

The next morning, Katie says she feels like a fool because Thomas used her. Then there’s a knock at her door and Tayshia walks in.

“The last person I expected to see was Tayshia,” Katie says.

SHE’S HOSTING THE SHOW.

Tayshia says someone from her past reached out to her and that she thinks he might be a good match for Katie. Said dude is there and wants to meet Katie.

What is the fucking point of this show now? Can anyone just show up whenever? Can Kaitlyn be like “I met this guy at an Arby’s and I know we’re down to the final two, but can you just talk to him for a minute?”

I can watch this flaming disaster of a show because there are rules. They are dumb rules, but they are rules. The walk-on cast members thing is getting to me. Maybe I’m still bitter we wasted an entire episode with Heather and her mini van last season, but stick to the formula people.

Katie is shaking because she said she’s scared because she’s already forming relationships or maybe because she just slammed a cold brew on an empty stomach. Tayshia says she’ll support Katie no matter what.

Then we get lots of dramatic music and Blake from Tayshia’s season shows up. The only reason I even remember him is that he made a clay dick during arts and crafts time.

“Hey, remember the nutsack who had his art room privileges revoked?”

That’s a pretty anticlimactic reveal right there.

So then Blake makes a comment about always being open about his interest in Katie which makes me think they met outside of filming. My suspicions are confirmed when Katie says she talked to him “in the DMs.”

Katie says that she worries because Blake dated two other Bachelorettes. He’s got a very specific type, ok?

“The risk of me looking like an idiot here is high,” Blake says.

“You check boxes no one else has, and it just comes down to the fact that I would what if and regret forever if I didn’t do this,” he continues.

She tells him she’s already formed some pretty good connections.

Blake tells her, “I promise you if we connect the way I think we might, we would be engaged at the end of this.”

Later Tayshia and Kaitlyn join Katie in her room to discuss the whole Thomas thing.

“There’s one way to not be the Bachelor,” Kaitlyn says, “and that’s to tell everyone you want to be the Bachelor.”

“At the end of the day, he was just thinking about himself,” Tayshia says. “He was thinking about how he was going to use you to propel himself.”

Then it’s time for the pre-Dreaded Rose Ceremony cocktail hour. The guys notice Thomas is AWOL. We see him knock on Katie’s door.

At this point my cat, Fisher, decides to try and save me by sitting in front of the TV so I can focus on his floofiness, not this dreck (the purple thing on the left is a slow feeder).

Sorry, Fishy, Mama’s got recapping to do.

So Thomas tells her that the last few days have been hard because the guys don’t like him and he has to, “Listen while my character and my integrity gets demonsterized.”

If you want to know what the fuck demonsterized is, I have no idea. Neither does Fisher who will only let me recap if my husband holds him.

My husband’s theory is that “demonsterize” means to become less of a monster, likely through some kind of machine created by a mad scientist.

Katie asks him if talked about being the next Bachelor.

“The question the guys asked me is, did you ever think about being the next Bachelor, and I hesitated and I said yes. I went on the show, open for anything, and one of the things I was open to was becoming the next Bachelor. And I think it’s equally as crazy that you could go into something like this and fall in love,” he says.

Yes, the whole thing is bizarre, Thomas. The trick is to shut your mouth about it. We were all just being gaslit by Chris Harrison till like a minute ago.

“See where I have a concern is that you came into this with becoming the next Bachelor, that you had that mindset,” she replies.

“None of those guys can sit there and say that that wasn’t a thought going into this,” Thomas adds.

“I can say confidently that there are men in this house who have zero intentions of ever being a Bachelor,” Katie says.

“The only thing that gets me through being here is an opportunity to be with you, and I mean that,” Thomas says.

Katie says she struggles with the fact that multiple people are questioning his integrity.

“Its like devastating for me right now,” Katie says.

“That’s why I’m here,” Thomas says.

To devastate her?

He continues, “That’s why when I see you I run to you. I don’t how this works. I don’t know what the right or wrong answers are, and that’s okay because I want to be with you. And I’m not always gonna know the right answers, I’m not always going to know what to say and that’s okay.”

He follows up with this gem, “You’re one of the first things I’ve felt where I don’t need to be that person.”

What? What person?

That sentence makes less sense with each word. I also generally dislike it when men refer to me as a “thing.”

Katie walks him out and says she’ll see him at the Dreaded Rose Ceremony.

When Thomas shows up at the cocktail hour, the guys are irritated. Then there’s a bunch of shouting between guys about whether or not anyone should have said anything to Katie.

Katie shows up. She says, “Thomas, I’m sorry you feel ostracized by the house.” She says she’s going to do her best to be present for the rest of the guys.

During their one-on-one time, a bunch of guys talk about Thomas and how shitty he is. Katie looks exhausted.

Michael says, “Going into these cocktails parties is stressful for Katie. She doesn’t have to worry about going home but she does have to worry about picking the right person that she’ll spend the rest of her life with. Adding all this additional stress onto her doesn’t seem fair to me.”

He refuses to talk about Thomas with her. “The person you are is exactly the person I’m seeking,” he says.

Then we get more dramatic music and go to the Dreaded Rose Ceremony. Katie tells Kaitlyn and Tayshia that she’s sending Thomas home. Then when she’s about to start handing out roses, Thomas speaks up. He apologizes to Katie for making her think he wasn’t there for the right reasons, and apologizes to the dudes for any disrespect he might have shown and for not “valuing them as men.”

I’m starting to think he just puts random words together and has no idea what he’s actually saying ever. Like when a toddler talks into a play phone.

He tells the camera, “I’m proud of the way I talk and I think some of the guys might find that threatening.”

YOU SAID “DEMONSTERIZE,” THOMAS.

Also save me from the confidence of dudes being proud of shit they are objectively bad at.

Katie holds the final rose and calls Thomas’s name. She says, “You told me things I wanted to hear, but what I learned tonight is you are selfish, manipulative and a liar. Your Bachelor audition ends tonight, so get out.”

Christian, David and Conor C all also go home.

The episode ends with Katie knocking on Blake’s door and waking him up. She asks him to join the season.

He agrees then locks himself out of his room in his underwear.

Are you watching?