Elyse Watches The Bachelorette–S17 E3: Strawberry White Claw

CW/TW for discussion of assault, consent, and trauma. Be gentle with yourself, k? 

It’s time for The Bachelorette.

I’ve got a strawberry White Claw (or six) to help me cope.

Ok, maybe more. OR MAYBE NOT.

I’m embracing the chaos here.

Last week Karl acted as an agent of chaos, inexplicably rubbing a cardboard cutout of Katie with a banana, and telling her that multiple guys in the house (resort?)  were there for the wrong reasons. Later he revealed he didn’t actually specifically know of anyone, he just assumed.

I mean, we ALL assume people are there for the wrong reasons. The ONLY reasons to go on this show are the wrong reasons.

Anyway, we open with the other guys calling Karl out for “putting everyone on blast.”

So then Katie comes out and tells everyone we’re going straight to rose.

“STRAIGHT TO ROSE, PEOPLE!”

So then everyone is mad at Karl, who responds by standing in a corner and shadowboxing.  I feel like Karl makes all his choices through a random D20 roll, but ok.

Mike says “We have a responsibility as a unit to protect the queen.”

Are they bees now?

We go to The Dreaded Rose Ceremony and Katie tells the guys that she’s confused but is going to trust her heart.

I’m confused but I’m going to trust his hard seltzer.

When Mike gets his rose he tells Katie that the guys basically unionized and agree that Karl is lying and also an asshole. Katie asks the group if they all feel the same way and they nod.

Katie excuses herself and goes to talk to Kaitlyn and Tayshia. They remind her it’s her decision who stays or goes, not the house’s, but there’s also a “if twenty guys hate him, that might be a thing” vibe.

Kaitlyn has on this amazing long sleeved, midnight blue sequined gown that I now covet.

“At the end of the day, I just know I’m getting this rose,” Karl tells the camera. “I’m not leaving. You’re gonna have to get the freaking military to come and drag me the hell out. I’m not leaving.”

So then we’re down to the final rose and guess who doesn’t get one?

Karl walks away from Katie keeping his back to her the entire time. Guess they didn’t to call the marines after all.

John and Kyle are also eliminated.

The next day the group date card says, “Love is about honesty and I need 100%” and the guys notice she didn’t sign it “Love, Katie.” They freak and overanalyze this the way I do when one of my friends doesn’t text me back for a couple of days.

They enter a room where chairs are set up in a circle and Nick Viall, former Bachelor, is waiting.

Ed. note: Oh, my stars, the face I just made. Why. 

Nick tells them they’re going to do group therapy basically and share stories with Katie that they might not be proud of.

I would like to point out that Nick broke up with his TV fiancée, Vanessa. He is also not a therapist. Nick’s only real qualification for anything here, as far as I can tell, is that he does a decent dinosaur impression.

“We all have a past, we all make mistakes,” Katie says. “And I’m grateful for Nick to open up some of these conversations.”

I still don’t understand why Nick is facilitating this. Also he’s holding a clipboard with nothing on it.

Hunter tells her that he got a divorce from the mother of his children.

Most of the guys talk about past breakups.

“What about you, Thomas?” asks Nick, probably doodling boobs on his clipboard.

Thomas says, “I can’t 100% tell you I was here for the right reasons because I didn’t know who you were and yeah, you can build a great platform from it.” Then he adds, “The best thing I ever did was lean into the potential for what was here because the feelings I have are real.”

He continues, “Have I led people on? Yeah. I went on a date a week before coming here.” He adds he had no expectations of anything when he met Katie.

So then we get to Connor B, the math teacher who sang about his penis. He talks about a period of his life where he was very angry and black out drinking, and he cheated on his girlfriend after an episode of binge drinking.

Katie goes last. She says that one New Years Eve she was drinking and “I was involved in a situation where there wasn’t consent.” She says she was in denial about what happened to her, tried to form a relationship with the person who abused her as part of her denial, and that for a long time she didn’t want to have sex. She felt like it was her fault because she was drunk, and it took a lot of therapy for her to accept that it wasn’t.

Katie reveals that her own mom doesn’t even know about this, which means she might find out by watching this show.

JESUS.

I also find it interesting that Katie revealed a time in her life when she was the victim of assaults, and the guys pretty much all talk about times when they were shitty to other people.

Later some of the dudes who aren’t on the date are talking while sitting around fitness equipment. Michael reveals that his wife died two years ago of breast cancer, and that he’s a single dad.

During the cocktail hour, Katie asks Thomas if there’s anything else she needs to know about him. Thomas dodges the question and talks about marriage and buying a house.

“She was asking probing questions and I wish I had better answers for her. My nerves got the best of me,” he tells the camera.

While she talks to Thomas, the other guys decide they don’t like him and that there’s no way he has feelings for her that quickly if he didn’t come here looking for love.

Aaron is telling Katie a story about someone in his life who had a stroke (he doesn’t say who) when Thomas interrupts then. He says he couldn’t leave the night without telling Katie how special she is. He says “I feel an energy that’s such a strong pull to you, and I  need you to know that.”

They kiss.

Aaron tells the other dudes how Thomas interrupted them. “Bro, he’s full of shit,” he says.

When Thomas comes back, Aaron tells him he’s disrespectful. Thomas says he felt it was important to tell Katie he was falling in love with her (note: he didn’t tell her that).  Katie comes out and gives Connor B the date rose.

The guys who didn’t get one on one time with Katie tell Thomas they’re pissed at him. Connor B tells him he’s making a mockery of the show by telling Katie he loves her this soon, and Thomas backtracks and says he didn’t tell her that and I’m just…

The next day Katie has a one on one date with Michael. They go off-roading in a dune buggy. Later they drink champagne and talk about Michael’s son.

Back at the house the guys talk shit about Thomas and want him to leave.

Hunter tells Thomas that everyone is questioning his integrity, and I’m sorry for posting a photo of my TV but I couldn’t find a screengrab of how Thomas is sitting and it’s hilarious.

Back on the one on one date, Michael tells Katie about how his wife died of breast cancer. It’s really heartbreaking because it’s obvious that he loved her so much and is still in so much pain.

Katie says she would be lucky to find someone to love her half as much as Michael loved his wife. She gives him the date rose. She tells the camera she’s starting to fall in love with him.

They need to evac Michael now. He’s too pure for this shitty franchise. Run away Michael before the Rose God gets you!

The next morning Aaron and Connor B are talking about Thomas, and Aaron calls him a sociopath. Some of the other guys point out that Thomas has lied a few times already. Before some of them leave for the group date, Hunter tells Thomas that they feel like he’s a fraud. He asks him if he’s on the show just to be the next Bachelor.

Thomas says, “Before coming here I didn’t know what to expect.”

Hunter presses him and Thomas admits that one of the thoughts on his mind was potentially being the next Bachelor. He claims it’s no longer his motivation.

Tre tells him he’s manipulative. Christian worries about how Katie will feel.

That’s where we end. Are you still watching?