Elyse Watches The Bachelorette–S17 E2: Connor the Cat

We open up with a group date. Heather McDonald of the Juicy Scoop podcast is there and she quizzes the men about female sexuality. Mike talks about being a virgin again, but doesn’t reveal it to the group.

Then they have to give a presentation about what makes them the greatest lover.

WTF. Like a power point?

Mike is upset and starts crying.

We are nine minutes into this, people.

Here’s the thing: there’s nothing wrong with not having sex. But Mike went on a show that’s known for the contestants having sex (inside Fantasy Suites) and where sex is a frequent topic, so he made the choice to be in a potentially uncomfortable situation. I don’t care that he’s a virgin at all; I care that he’s using it to create conflict when he knew it was definitely going to come up.

Anyway, Connor B goes first. He’s the guy that dressed up as a cat. He sings her a song about how his penis is long and he has talented fingers.

Here’s the thing: Connor B is a 8th grade math teacher. He just sang a song about his dong on TV that you know those kids and their parents are watching are like:

I contend that children in grades 6-8 are the most terrifying creatures on the planet. I am a grown ass woman and I will not fuck with a 6th grade girl because I know when I’m in danger.

I literally cannot imagine that Connor B, after dressing like a cat and singing his penis song, will survive middle schoolers ever again. He’s gonna need a new job. Possibly WITSEC.

Also he kisses like this:

This man is doomed. Those kids are going to eat him alive.

Tre puts on a X-rated puppet show. Inexplicably, Karl strokes a cardboard cutout of Katie with a banana and says she deserves a minimum of 17 hours a day of sex. It’s super awkward and weird. He also says “suffercate” instead of suffocate.

Then Mike goes and basically just tells Katie that he’s waiting for marriage and it was totally fine. No one made a big deal of it at all. He wins the greatest lover trophy.

During the cocktail hour Karl spends some one on one time with Katie and it’s awkward as hell.

The group date rose goes to Thomas.

The first one-on-one date goes to Greg. They go fishing, which is something Katie used to do with her late father. Greg tries to set up the tent and fails.

At one point they pass a huge animal vertebrae and Greg asks, “What is that?”

“My ex boyfriend,” Katie says.

Katie gets emotional when she talks about how she and her dad used to go camping and fishing, and says that she misses him. Greg reveals that his father died two years ago from cancer. They both have a good cry.

Later they sit in the bed of a pickup and watch fireworks. She gives him the date rose.

The next morning, Kaitlyn and Tayshia sneak into the dudes’ hotel rooms banging pots and pans and yelling at them to wake up. They make them walk outside in their underwear/sleepwear.

The men are going to be competing for a giant belt in “Katie’s Big Buckle Brawl.” They are given western wear and then have to mud wrestle.

Cody and Aaron have to wrestle each other and there’s tension. Aaron says he knows Cody from back home and that he’s not there for the right reasons. Katie and Tayshia pick up on the fact that something is clearly going on between them. Aaron wins the belt.

During their alone time Katie asks Aaron about Cody, and he says Cody is just interested in getting famous and that he can be malicious.

During the afterparty, Katie pulls Cody aside. He says “that’s not factual information” in regard to Aaron’s allegations.

Katie is upset because she says one of them is lying to her. Then Cody says, maybe Aaron exaggerated and he doesn’t know what Aaron is referring to.

So then Cody grabs Aaron to talk.

Cody asks Aaron why he didn’t just keep his mouth shut about them knowing each other. Then Katie asks to talk to Cody AGAIN.

She tells Cody they don’t have trust and asks him to leave. Cody is actually fine and leaves without issue.

This is probably the most random, anticlimactic fight I’ve seen in this franchise. Basically it went down like this:

Kate: Aaron says you’re not here for the right reasons.

Cody: I am tho.

Katie: IDK. Probably you should go home?

Cody: Okay.

Later Katie and Andrew S talk about how they both grew up really poor, but had very loving parents. He gets the group date rose.

So then we go to commercial and it’s mayo commercial that’s been pissing me off. It’s a commercial where people open the door to their empty fridge and say something like “Oh man, I have nothing to eat!” then see the jar of mayo and think “I could do something with that!”

Then cut to them at the table with a pasta with chicken and peppers and like other veggies and mayo. YOU HAD A CARB, A PROTEIN AND SEVERAL VEGETABLES. HOW IS THAT NOTHING TO EAT. YOU LITERALLY HAD AN ENTIRE DINNER WITHOUT THE MAYO WTF IS YOUR ISSUE.

Rant over.

So then it’s time for The Dreaded Rose Ceremony. Katie tells the dudes that she sent Cody home because he wasn’t there for her.

Karl tells Katie that there are people there who don’t have the best intentions. She asks him who, and he tells her she’s got enough stress and doesn’t have to worry about that.

So then Katie is frustrated because Karl told her multiple people are there for the wrong reasons, but wouldn’t tell her who which makes her suspicious of Karl. She assembles the guys and tells them if they aren’t there for an engagement to “get the fuck out.”

Karl admits to the guys that he told Katie some of them aren’t authentic. They ask him for specifics and he refuses to give them. Then he says, “I don’t know the specifics 100%.”

Katie asks to talk to Aaron. She says she trusts him and asks if he knows about anything else going on. He says no and he’s confused.

Aaron comes back out and tells Karl he’s an idiot and made Katie cry over absolutely nothing. Tre tells Karl he’s manipulating Katie emotionally.

And that’s where the episode ends. Are you watching?