Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S25 E9: Unecessary Drama

It’s “Women Tell All” week on The Bachelor which is basically a two hour clip show and then the women yelling over each other all while Chris Harrison absorbs the toxic energy.

If you’re here for a Pudding update, Lady P is doing great and getting friendlier every day.

She would still eat Chris Harrison’s face off though.

We open with a montage of all the shitty stuff Queen Victoria has said which is …a lot.

Although at one point she says, “Sarah doesn’t need Matt. She needs a Xanax,” and I have to say that’s probably the most accurate statement about this franchise ever. Do any of us need The Bachelor? No. Do we need our benzodiazepines? Yeah.

There’s like a ten minute conversation about whether or not MJ is “fake.”

So back to Victoria.

Ryan tells her that it was hurtful to be call a “ho” on national TV and that it perpetuates a stereotype about dancers.

Queen Victoria says, “Do you think you’re a super sensitive person though? Because I’ve been getting, I mean death threats is a whole ‘nother thing, but the memes about my eye that was swollen, the memes about my bra straps and like I’ll wear something with my bra showing and I’ll laugh it off. And I feel like the extent of your upsetness at it, like, are you just an emotional person?”

So first of all, “upsetness.”

Secondly…

Some of the other women jump to Ryan’s defense and point out that Queen Victoria did apologize to her, so why would she apologize if she didn’t say something wrong?

“Yeah, completely. No, I was just asking are you a sensitive person because I’ve been called way more horrible things on the internet and I brush it off,” Queen Victoria says.

We are ten minutes into this. Jesus.

Chelsea says that Katie made the house toxic by bringing all the drama to Matt.

Jessenia supports Katie telling Matt that Anna was spreading rumors that Brittany was a sex worker.

That sentence was physically painful to type.

Brittany says she was torn down within the first twenty four hours, and that she felt shocked and defeated. She said she didn’t want to see her family or text her friends when she returned home and that she’s embarrassed because whenever you Google her name you get articles about her rumored sex work. She also says Anna never reached out to her after the show.

Anna apologizes again, but adds this little gem, “It just sucks that I did that to someone else.”

Really? Is that the sucky part?

Brittany also says there’s nothing wrong with sex work and that she supports those in the industry.

Then we get a blooper reel. Apparently there was a date that didn’t air where the women had to eat a huge stack of pancakes and then chug a stein of beer. Remarkably no one puked. Then Katie does puke after drinking a raw egg.

Katie cries after they play the clip of Matt sending her home. She said she was shocked because she really felt like they had a connection.

Abigail talks about being the first deaf contestant. They show a bunch of tweets supporting her.

Pieper gets to watch the clip of Matt sending her home because the point of this show is to be as painful as possible.

Serena P talks about leaving the show after her family made her realize she wasn’t in love with Matt. She said she felt guilty and didn’t want to hurt Matt, but she wasn’t 100% in love with him and he had three other relationships to explore.

Then Matt comes out.

He says watching the season now, he’s surprised at the amount of drama that went on.

Queen Victoria says it’s been hard watching the show back, and that her feelings were hurt when Matt suggested she “self-reflect” and that she was “going through levels of pain at the time.”

Like pain from her eye infection or…?

Finally Matt says the breakup with Serena P was hard but that he appreciated her honesty.

Then we get some more bloopers, mostly of people falling down or getting attacked by bugs, and one where Matt totally had a boner.

Well, that was a thrill. Are you still watching?