If you missed the last Cover Snark, we found a case of beard mold. Or is it moss? Well apparently, it’s turning into quite the phenomenon.
Amanda: Wait…why do the lumberjacks need a baby?
Claudia: For child labor?
Something about the checkers and tats looking like one skin is bothering me.
Elyse: I thought the plaid shirt was part of his tattoo and it was upsetting.
Sneezy: I…do not like plaid. It made itself my enemy since my junior high days, and the animosity remains still.
My sister, on the other hand, is opposite in this regard.
Shana: I know we’re supposed to like beards now, but I don’t, and plaid guy scares me. He looks like an evil bearded elf with infected tats.
Sneezy: Took another look against my better judgment. I hope the pine trees aren’t implying anything painful
And why does twiddledee and twiddledum look like basically the same person??? Are beards a rank thing, or do the other two just not want radioactive mould on their face???
CarrieS: They look like they want to eat it.
Amanda: I love how one is just hiding his face and I’m dying to know what was photoshopped off the heroine’s back.
EllenM: Her spine glows!!! Is she a cylon!?!?!?
Sneezy: They’re all kinda glowing… *ducks behind couch* Right, so they’re some brand of aliens. Aliens with a fondness for plaid and…glittery blue sand???
Sarah: What exactly is he hiding??
Shana: They look ready to jump in the pool, not rope cattle. Wait, is the title floating in a pool?
Catherine: Why is the one on the right holding a bunch of pipe cleaners? Is he going to do crafts?
CarrieS: I can’t imagine the emotional labor involved in keeping four guys happy.
From Dawn: It looks like maybe the Wolf is having a hard time pooping and the guy is like, I’m not cleaning that up!
Amanda: Pooping was not my first thought.
Elyse: So his boner is a wolf?
Tara: Or is something illegal happening?
Sarah: That poor wolf is constipated. He needs to help his wolf buddy out.
Or if that wolf has the trots, it’s time to make some rice. We’ve been dealing with that issue. Not fun. Don’t blame him for looking so disappointed.
Elyse: Oh lord, remember the time we were recording a podcast and Fisher had diarrhea right in front of me?
I think we were in the middle of talking and I was like “nooooooooooo”
Maya: And the wolf is dragging his poopy butt across the carpet. That’s definitely “seriously, bud?!” face!
Sneezy: Poor wolfie with an itchy poopy butt!
Sneezy: I guess this is the dude equivalent of bikini armor.
Elyse: I have no words.
Sneezy: That’s okay, his nipples are saying all the words.
Elyse: Like that helmet has to weigh 20 lbs and he’s gonna pair it with a nipple belt. M’kay.
Sneezy: I’m calling all my bras Nipple Belts now.
D’you think that’s why he’s flexing so hard? So the helmet doesn’t fall off and take his head with it? Although being decapitated by his own helmet would almost be a punny way to go
Sarah: I’ve seen female characters on Super Smash Bro with more body armor and that is indeed saying something.
CarrieS: The comfy scarf really pulls the cover together.
Note for all cover designers: If your cover consists of a shirtless dude looking down, do not put ANYTHING where his junk should be. Not buildings, not babies, not flames, not animals, no — not that either (whatever idea you just had). Stop it.
Wait—was this up yesterday? It shows it was posted at 5:00 AM yesterday—but I don’t remember seeing it.
@HeatherT: there’s actually a term for that pose: it’s called the “oiled up look down.” Extra points if the cover model has his hand casually placed on his abs or beneath his waistband (if there is one).
Re THE LORD OF DEATH: “Ha! No arrow can pierce my head & face armor! I’d like to see some fool of an archer try!” [Arrow whizzes by and lands firmly in his chest.] With last gasp: “Why, oh why, didn’t I put on body armor?” Yes, it’s a very short book.
@DiscoDollyDeb: Nope, that was my fault! It was supposed to go up this morning but apparently numbers aren’t my strong suit.
Her Lord of Death’s helmet is all wrong.It’s too big for one thing,but look at where the eye slots are and compare that to the position of the head. He can’t see out of those slots. He’s like a kid in his daddy’s helmet. He can’t see to put on the rest of the over-sized armor.
It’s creepy how you can kind of see the guys outline behind the hat in the Ranchers one. It looks like a partially see-through hat and yet you can’t see any of the woman,only the man.
I look at Lord of Death and all I can think of is Rick Moranis in Spaceballs.
Lumberjacks – not sure what those gold sparkles are supposed to be, all I see is pollen. *sneezes*
I 100% thought the plaid lumberjack guy had all that plaid tattooed on him…that would take some serious dedication.
Second cover gets weirder the longer I look at it. I didn’t even notice the pipe cleaners until they were mentioned in the post. I really want to know what sci-fi book this cover image was scrubbed from–the glowy spine, the tentacle-y whatever he’s holding. Also the way his arm is in that pose I would expect a photoshopped baby somewhere.
The first typeface on the last cover bothers me even more than that helmet. I *know* it says ‘her’ but my brain tells me ‘ther’. There is no need for loopy fonts to do that.
Yikes. Those curly H, K and N’s are annoying too
Genuine question – does anyone find it appealing to have 4 husbands? I just think it looks exhausting.
In Tibet, I believe, they used to practice polyandry – one women, several husbands (often brothers, if I remember correctly).
For the helmet – that’s an odd – and not very good – Photoshop. The size is off and it’s kind of dumb … maybe the picture of the man’s body had a head that someone didn’t like (couldn’t be because it didn’t match the description in the book – that’s never been an issue). And the weird font … I hadn’t even realized that the first word was “her”, just automatically assumed it was “the”.
@Elizabeth, I am thinking the same thing regarding four husbands! I read RH occasionally for the fantasy factor, but I wonder how they get through the week without needing surgery or at least an ice pack!
Having said that, I did come across one RH book with ten men! Has anyone come across one with more? I’m sure there is but the thought of it… I need a drink!
CarrieS: The comfy scarf really pulls the cover together.
Hahahahaha
The whole beard, lumberjack plaid, tattoo combination is really kind of excessively ‘I don’t want you to see what I actually look like’ IMO.
Are the 4 ranchers in gauze hats quadruplets? They look the same.
The guy in “Claimed…” appears to be avoiding eye contact while using a urinal– a wolf has randomly been photoshopped in front of him. Poor wolf. None of this says “romance” to me.
That is the worst helmet in the universe. Do we each get our own personal Lord of Death?
The plaid and the tattoos clash horribly. Perhaps he should consider wearing paisley?
A Baby for the Lumberjacks: Is it possible to look at that cover and not end up with
/* I’m a lumberjack and I’m OK */
running through your head for the rest of the day?
One Bride for Three Ranchers and a Headless Torso:
“Why is the one on the right holding a bunch of pipe cleaners?” My own thoughts, alas, went straight to zip-tie handcuffs.
@ Heather M
The first typeface on the last cover bothers me
Has there ever been a Cover Snark that didn’t feature at least one bothersome typeface? (Option B is to use three different typefaces, each inoffensive on its own, but bothersome in the extreme when used on the same cover.)
#1) Add me to the list of people who thought the plaid was a tattoo. I also have mixed feelings about beards because while I don’t dislike a nicely groomed beard, the lumberjack hipster style does less than nothing for me. TRIM THAT NONSENSE before it gets chopped off.
#2) I have spent an inordinate part of my life on/around ranches, and that cover makes me itch. None of those people are wearing enough clothes to protect themselves from dust, snakes, and straw in unfortunate places.
For those of you wondering about reverse harems, my reading often suggests that some of the men have relationships with each other as well. Which would take a lot of the pressure off and IMO be preferable.
#3) I thought the wolf was his crush. It’s the only explanation for that cover.
#4) I read Her as The, which sounds better — The Lord of Death, not just Her Lord of Death which suggests there are many such lords and they get distributed. The helmet position is either in the wrong place, or his neck is broken. There also seem to be extra muscles in his chest which is….not a thing.
Everyone’s commentary is giving me life this week. Y’all are the funniest.
Okay, I want to know which lumberjack is giving birth to which lumberjack’s baby. Nowhere does it reference that any woman is involved.
On 3 Guys, a Bride, and Headless Nick, it looks to me like the girl and the guy on the right were originally roped together. They managed to (badly) remove the ropes from the girl but it was too complicated to erase them off the guy and the artist either ran out of time or took one look and noped out of all that extra work.
I am reasonably convinced that Her Lord of Death is Marvin the Martian.
@Elaine A, I thought the exact same thing. The helmet looked like it was wobbling and falling off.
I am really trying to figure out if the cowboys to either side are wearing denim underwear, or if something else is going on.
Wait, never mind. I don’t think I want to figure it out. There is no answer that can make that cover better.
After living with four males–one husband and three sons–I can tell you trying to wrangle them for anything other than food or sports is a chore and a half. There’s no way she’s handling all of them for sexy time.
@EC Spurlock the lumberjack book is another Reverse Harem unfortunately. I was thinking it was a MPreg when I first saw it. All the author’s books are of the same ilk both story and cover. I suppose if the formula works there’s no need to change. Not a huge fan of the lumberjack style beard, either.
@Kris Bock:
I am really trying to figure out if the cowboys to either side are wearing denim underwear, or if something else is going on.
I think they’re chaps. No, not chapped inner thighs from wearing denim in places where God never intended denim to be worn: it looks like leather unfortunately selected to be as similar as possible to the ranchers’ skin tones. (If it were a multiracial harem would they select different kinds of leather just to confuse the viewer?)
May I suggest Maya Banks book Four Play. Its interesting and she pulled this relationship off in a way that it could be believable or not if you are not into this. A triad is much more palatable.
Is it just me, or is the woman’s head (on the 4 ranchers cover) too small and improperly situated somewhere between her neck and her chest? Maybe the hat is covering her 2nd head which is attached in the normal head position. I guess a 2nd head could be helpful when you have 4 men.
I’ve read plenty of M/F/M and M/M/F ménage romances, but it seems that beyond two men (even if the men are bi and are having sexy-times with each other too), a woman gets somewhat, um, shall we say, oversubscribed. However, Annika Martin wrote a series called Taken Hostage by Kinky Bank Robbers where there were four men and she made it work with her reliable blend of heart, humor, and heat. I think it’s the ne plus ultra of reverse harem romances, but ymmv.
Believe it or not, I’m reading the RH with ten men (it’s on Kindle Unlimited I have a couple of weeks of a free membership left and I’m a total glutton for punishment) and it’s disturbing but not for the logistics.
If I am right it a what are you reading tomorrow, I may have to pull it apart. Long story short there’s a truckload of family emotional abuse in this novel.