We open with a shot of two swans swimming across a pond which is appropriate because, as my husband put it, “Swans are bastards.”
This is hometowns week, which is the week when the Bachelor meets the remaining four contestants’ families and one dad is obligated to ask him, “But how do you feel about my daughter compared to the other relationships.”
This is the cringiest week.
[Ed. note: I just cringed so hard.]
If you are here purely for the Pudding update, I’m happy to report that she’s doing amazing. She now enjoys petting and will lay next to me purring while showing me her tummy (tummies are for looking at only, not petting). She’s a sweet, sassy girl. She works with me in the mornings and gets hours of affection every day.
Instead of going to the contestants’ actual hometowns (due to the pandemic) these poor people will have to show up at the Necronomicon for this nonsense.
First up is Michelle who is from Minnesota. She and Matt are both wearing lavender shirts coincidentally. They start off going for a bike ride, which is something her family did together in the evenings.
Michelle asks Matt if he sees himself as the kind of dad who would go on bike rides with his kids.
“I feel like that would be like my perfect life, but honestly in reality I see my kids ripping past me and trying to kick me off my bike and stuff,” he says.
Jesus. Future Matt’s kids are assholes.
Then they do a video chat with Michelle’s elementary school students who are adorable. They ask him questions.
Evan asks if they’ve kissed yet. Evan isn’t fucking around here. Evan only has so much time today. Matt tells him they’re holding hands.
Mamie asks how many girlfriends he has. Another girl asks if they’re going to have babies.
Then a little girl named Elise (an ELYSE! This kid will be awesome) reads a note Michelle wrote her encouraging her before a test and she asks how Matt will inspire Michelle.
He won’t. He’s gonna go on Dancing with the Stars and that’s it, little Elise. The world is hard and weird and I’m glad you don’t need to know that yet.
That night they meet Michelle’s parents. Michelle tells her dad that she would say yes if Matt proposed. Matt tells him he’d be willing to move to Minnesota. Coming from North Carolina, he’s in for a surprise when winter shows up…
Later Michelle tells him she’s in love with him.
The next day it’s Rachael’s turn. She tells Matt they are going to do the “ultimate trust fall.” They go skydiving.
“Matt if I die, I’m glad I’m dying with you,” Rachael says.
Rachael and her tandem diver land hard, as in face first. It’s brutal. Her head snaps back. Matt runs over to her. Cue dramatic music.
She’s okay but she definitely biffed it. She has a mouth full of grass. She says her back hurts really bad so THEY PUSH HER INTO A SITTING POSITION. DO NOT DO THAT WITH A POTENTIAL SPINAL INJURY JFC.
“You don’t realize how much you care until there’s like a chance you can be gone,” Matt tells her.
Rachael says he’s making her emotional AS SHE PICKS GRASS OUT OF HER TEETH.
Also how fucked up does your relationship need to be that it takes a near death incident to make you realize you love someone?
Later, while probably concussed, Rachael introduces her family to Matt. Rachael’s mom is upset she wasn’t invited on the near-death sky diving date which I’m sure is super normal and not a red flag whatsoever.
Rachael’s dad thinks this is too fast for a relationship to progress to engagement and doesn’t like that Matt is pursuing multiple women at once.
Next up it’s Bri’s turn. Matt says he’s in a place with Bri that’s “comfortable” but that they need to “push past that.”
What’s wrong with comfortable? Isn’t past that uncomfortable? Isn’t that a thing you don’t want to be?
They go off-roading in a Jeep, which Bri says is payback for when Matt flipped the ATV with her on it. Then they have a picnic.
That night he meets her mom, her best friend and her infant sister. Bri tells her mom she’s falling in love with Matt and that she has to let her walls down and tell him. Later she does and Matt says, “Thank you for sharing that with me.”
Finally it’s Serena P’s turn. She’s Canadian and they have a room set up with Canadian stuff like flags and a plush moose. She teaches him lingo and they eat poutine. Mmmm poutine.
That night they meet her parents and sister. Her mom expresses concerns that the “journey” is moving too quickly.
Serena’s sister, Talia, asks if she loves him, and Serena says, “He on paper and in my head checks every box.” She adds, “I do sometimes feel like I’m catching up to his feelings. I’m falling for him.”
Her sister says she thinks something is missing and Serena doesn’t seem smitten. Talia says she thinks Serena is talking herself into this.
Later Serena tells her mom that she felt very sure of her last relationship and got really hurt, and now she’s struggling with making the right decision.
The next night Matt goes to talk to Serena because he can tell something is off. “I know this process is a lot, but I’ve known how I feel about you for a long time,” Matt says.
Serena tells Matt initially that she thought her hesitancy was due to fear, but that after some time she realized, “I don’t think you’re my person.”
Matt is crushed because on a show where he’s rejected like 30 women, someone just rejected him.
She walks him out.
Then we cut to the Dreaded Rose Ceremony. The other women wonder where Serena is. Matt paces in the hallway. There’s three women and three roses, and I don’t need Chris Harrison to do the math for me. Everyone gets a rose.
And that’s where we end. Next week is Fantasy Suites.
[Ed. note: I just cringed again.]
Are you watching?
That poutine looked so bad the Montreal Gazette wrote an article about it.
Ahhh this Pudding update warmed my heart. Bless.
Re: “Swans are bastards.” – if anyone wants to laugh at funny swan stories, may I recommend Jeeves and the Impending Doom. Close second is the swan incident in Three Men in a Boat, also Connie Willis’s To Say Nothing of the Dog, and the first chapter in T. Kingfisher’s The Seventh Bride (this one gets pretty dark so tread carefully)
I’m going to be so disappointed if Pudding isn’t the next Bachelorette.
Did she take the year off from school? or is she teaching remotely from the Necronomicon? because that would be fun.
“Oh, I know that I’m supposed to be doing something humiliating while drunk. But I need to teach phonics and “sh” “ch” “dg” and “j” just don’t work after the second mimosa. I’ll have to pass.”
I’m stuck at the point where they sat up a person with a potential spinal injury and didn’t call the paramedics, put her in a neck brace, and rush her to the closest hospital. WTH???
My money’s on them exaggerating exactly how serious that fall was through editing magic for dramatic affect, but I didn’t actually watch it, so who knows. Irresponsible to treat a potentially severe injury like that either way.
Bastard swans always remind me of the movie Hot Fuzz.
The Bachelor, being irresponsible? NO! Say it isn’t so!
(I still have the faint scars of a swan bite from when I was a toddler. Legit the only animal that’s never fallen in love with me. I am a Disney princess. Freakin /Tasmanian devils/ love me. But swans? They’re tiny shards of the devil’s soul out on a walk, and are the literal incarnation of evil.)
Little Elise asks the important questions. Go Little Elise!
@heather if you Google Bachelor 2021 skydiving you can see the landing and it’s legit brutal. I’m surprised she didn’t get immediate medical attention just for legal reasons
@MsCellanie Contestants are required to take off from their job so my assumption is this was last years class
Dear god, I do not understand how the families agree to participate in this farce. Right now I’m more invested in Puddin’s return to the good life than in any of these relationships.
Swans are the worst. My university had swans on the lake, and EVERY student had multiple “sorry I’m late, the swans tried to murder me and I had to take the long way round the lake” stories. And our swans were both males to prevent the aggressiveness when a male and female nest and have eggs. I shudder to imagine the pure hatred and violence of such a thing.
PUDDING! ♥️♥️♥️
That is all.
I am absolutely here for the Puddin’ update. The people looking for their 15 min? Nah.
There is a chilling Daphne du Maurier short story about swans. I think it must be in a collection with The Birds. Really good.
Swans are AWESOME. They have boundaries, and they do not believe humans are allowed to be exceptions to their boundaries, which is a lesson humans need because we think we ought to be allowed to put our dirty hands all over everything beautiful. They are having none of this. They’re like “No, evil human, this turf is MINE, and you can’t have it just because you have guns and opposable thumbs and delusions of grandeur, and no, I DON’T do hugs. DIE.” I think that’s admirable, personally.
(I am absolutely shit at defending my own damn boundaries, but I have an inspirational swan tattoo.)
Speaking of bastard swans, the college I attended had a central lake, next to the dining hall. Students would eat outside in nice weather, and feed the ducks. There were also a few swans on the lake, and one, in particular, would physically mug people for bread. He was, indeed, a real bastard.
:: idly thinking I can’t be the only one who upvoted every post about Evil Swans, while largely ignoring any discussion of, y’know, the Bachelor Thingy ::
I love that one date was skydiving with possible back injuries and the other end of the spectrum was poutine. I’m here for kids who seems to have more sense than the adults and Pudding.
I am with you Star, swans are awesome. The wild swans are migrating here in Washington and they are magical.