This week we return to the haunted resort in La Quinta where the Rose God is spreading his evil presence.
We open the episode with Tayshia saying how the process is becoming harder for her and then JoJo Fletcher shows up to talk with her about it.
Do they keep all former Bachelor/Bachelorettes in underground pods somewhere and bring them out as needed?
Tayshia tells her that she’s worried about hurting the guys’ feelings. JoJo tells her to trust her gut.
Then we learn the shocking news that Chris Harrison has a son? Apparently he’s going to be away from the show for a bit as he takes his son to college (and presumably has to quarantine after). JoJo will act as interim host and wrangler of Rose God sacrifices.
Ben tells the camera that he’s worried about not getting time with Tayshia yet, and I swear I am not being shitty here, but something is up with this guy’s neck. I’m not a doctor, but I think he might need to get his thyroid looked at?
The first one-on-one date goes to Zac. They’re doing a fake wedding photoshoot. Tayshia isn’t into the date because she’s second guessing everything. She cheers up a little bit further into the date.
During the dinner they aren’t allowed to eat Zac tells her he was married before.
Then we get a commercial where they speculate on how much toilet paper animated bears need to use, and honestly it’s better than this episode so far.
When we get back from the TP commercial, Zac tells her he had a brain tumor in college. After surgery he became addicted to pain medication. It was during that phase that he got married, and he explains it was a rash decision and he was in a substance abuse spiral. His former wife left him and he continued using for eight months. Eventually he went to rehab and now he’s an addiction specialist.
Tayshia reflects that she’s looking for someone who has some maturity and life experience. She gives Zac the date rose. Then they go on an actual fucking ferris wheel the show set up on the resort property.
The next day it’s time for the group date. They enter a building where easels are set up and a pair of figure models pose nude. I spent some time in art school and drew plenty of naked, live models and I can tell you right now that had any of the students acted as dumb and embarrassed as these guys are, they would have been kicked out.
Bennett kicks Noah out of his seat because he’s a dick.
Eazy legit draws a smiley face on the dude. Bennett says he first focused on the couple and then drew more of the background to represent the drama that always goes on the background. Tayshia purses her lips.
Then they blindfold the guys and give them some clay to play with. I also give my six-year-old nephew clay to play with when I need five minutes to get something done.
I tell my husband I’ll bet him $20 one of the guys eats the clay, but he’s not giving up a twenty that easily.
Bennett says that the blindfold “connotated sexual undertones” and now I’m hoping he doesn’t make love to the clay. Instead he kisses Tayshia who is also blindfolded and…
Look, don’t kiss or touch or do anything to someone in a blindfold unless you’ve clearly established consent and parameters prior to that. It’s gross and invasive.
Then he says, “A little fifty shades of clay, if you will.”
Also I feel like including clay in your BDSM adventures is just asking for bacterial vaginosis.
Some of the guys sculpt hearts and infinity symbols, and, I shit you not, Blake makes a penis. He is so banned from art class. What a child.
So then Bennett says he sculpted his and Tayshia’s future homes on both coasts and Noah, annoyed asks, “Hey Bennett, you spell privilege P-R-I-V-I-G-G-E, right?” he asks.
I …no. No that’s not correct.
OMG these clowns. She should just get up, find a bar, and drink until she forgets this date happened. I want to drink until I forget this date happened.
So the last exercise is self portraits. The art teacher says whoever opens up the most will get extra one-on-one time with Tayshia.
All of their guys show off their art. Weirdly, Blake who previously made a clay dick because he’s 13, painted a turtle dove because they are monogamous which is not a thing I expected him to know.
Ben, still panicking over not making an impression on Tayshia, decides to strip naked.
Yes, you read that correctly.
In the midst of showing off their self portraits, Ben thinks now is the time to get naked in front of a bunch of people who didn’t ask to see him naked.
He says he’s figuratively and literally his guard down.
“I know how much courage and vulnerability that takes,” Tayshia says.
No. It’s super weird and gross.
Tayshia starts crying because she’s overwhelmed at how raw and vulnerable the guys got.
TAYSHIA.
TAYSHIA.
BLAKE MADE YOU A CLAY WEINER.
They all get extra time with her. Dude I’d be giving my extra time to a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc. Maybe two bottles.
During the cocktail hour Ben tells her he appreciates the date because he doesn’t often get to be vulnerable. Or, presumably, naked in a room full of people and not arrested.
Then he tells her he had bulimia for fifteen years.
Meanwhile Bennett and Noah are still sniping at each other. There’s another guy on one of the drinking couches I don’t recognize and I swear to god the producers stick some rando in there mid season just to fuck with me.
The group date rose goes to Ben.
Then Tayshia tells Noah and Bennett she’s going to get to the bottom of whatever is going on between the two of them.
The next one-on-one date happens the following night when Eazy and Tayshia go ghost hunting. FINALLY WE ARE ADDRESSING THE GHOSTS.
So apparently the land the resort was built on once belonged to an oil baron who went crazy after his wife and infant daughter died.
YES. THIS IS THE GOOD SHIT.
They basically run around with night vision cameras filming and scream a lot. It looks like a lot of silly fun. At one point Eazy manages to run out of the room while not spilling the glass of wine he’s holding.
During dinner Eazy tells Tayshia he’s falling in love with her. Tayshia says she can’t give him the rose because not at the same place emotionally and she doesn’t know if she can get there. Eazy looks crushed as she walks him out.
So then it’s the next day. The guys are talking. Spencer picks everything off a salad and proceeds to eat the lettuce with no dressing.
JoJo tells the guys that the cocktail party will be delayed because Tayshia is concerned about Noah and Bennett acting like dumbshits. She wants to see them both before the Rose Ceremony and she will be sending one of them home.
Meanwhile Fish is being a little butt again and keeps trying to stand on my keyboard so my husband cradles him like a baby which he does not appreciate.
So Bennett and Noah go to one of the rooms filled with couches and candles.
Poor Chris Harrison. He’s missing this. This is the bullshit he lives for.
So then Bennett gives Noah a wrapped gift.
“Had I known there was tension, I would have nipped it in the bud. The last thing I want is Noah to think there’s beef or tension with us,” Bennett says.
I kinda hope the gift is Blake’s clay dick.
Bennett gives him a red bandana because of their first conversations was about the ranch and how Noah grew up in Oklahoma. Then he gives him socks with mustaches on them as a gibe at his horrible mustache. Finally he gives Noah a book on emotional intelligence. He tells Noah he’s deficient in three of the four kinds of emotional intelligence.
Bennett says Noah is just immature and he doesn’t mean the gift to be belittling. “I’m literally trying to love you up,” Bennett says.
I would like to point out that this is VERY MUCH abuser speak.
So then Tayshia comes in the room. She says she’s sick of the pettiness. They start bickering.
“Is this what goes on?” Tayshia asked, disgusted. “Because this sounds like teenage boy drama. Why am I sitting here listening to this? Why hasn’t this been resolved when I’m not there?”
She tells Bennett he’s questioning her integrity. Then she asks, “What’s in the box?”
And we get a to be continued.
Are you still watching?
Wait wait wait – you’re on to something.
A college professor somewhere needs to be using this show as a way to illustrate abusive and unstable behaviors to psych students. Or like, in high school health class.
Let SOMETHING good for society come of this!
(besides the excellent Elyse writing – thanks Elyse!)
Thank you, Elyse! LOL’d the whole way through.
Actually for a guy who had bulimia to be willing to expose his body is a major deal. Still inappropriate, mind you, but still.
I’d send both Bennett and Noah home. They’re both acting like twelve year olds.
I think Anony Miss has the right idea.
@EC Spurlock I think if he’d disclosed his bulimia at the time or before it would have made sense. It just played out like “well, here’s my wang.”
Is the Bachelor/Bachlorette sponsored by a booze company? Because if not, it should be.
I like the cat picture breaks best
Could not suppress snort laugh. Accidentally woke baby. Clay wiener /snickers/
Yea, The Harrison Spawn is a Freshman at TCU, so after taking his kid to Texas during (what was at the time) a scary spike in Covidland, he had to quarantine…
When it happened the google algorithm gave me the news story because it thinks I like TCU and The Bachelorette…
No… I like TCU and Elyse’s recaps, thankyouverymuch.
I listened to a podcast of Unladylike where they interviewed Rachel from the Bachelorette. It was really interesting to get a behind the scenes look, and to here her discuss how much further the series has to go in terms of diversity and inclusion. I was struck by how she had wanted to eliminate one of the black contestants and the producers were telling her no.
My only exposure to any of this is these recaps and I thought y’all might want to check it out.
Elyse, please give your husband a big hug for me. I love a man who cradles a cat.
50 shades of clay aside, clay for brains is epidemic with everyone involved in this show.
@Gail Rich works at a cat cafe/rescue and basically cuddles cats professionally. His boss sent me a photo of him conducting an interview while snuggling a nervous kitten
I’m sorry, my brain crashed when a dude randomly (and somewhat aggressively) got naked as a hail Mary on a dating show!
When starlight.exe had finally rebooted there was a cat being held like a baby and I figured everything that happened before was more of the same. In fact, I didn’t really notice anything but the cat offended that his mighty dignity was being cuddled. So, did I miss anything?
The cat cuddling was my favorite part. More cat pictures please!