Elyse Watches The Bachelorette S16–E12: Shrinkage

Elyse Watches The Bachelorette with Kraken Rum and Coke with a big rose at the bottomIt is perhaps appropriate that the two-part season finale of The Bachelorette is airing on two of the darkest nights of the year (at least where I live).

The Rose God is not subtle.

This week is Fantasy Suites when, I shit you not, Chris Harrison hand writes a letter to each of the contestants and invites them to spend the night together. Whatever happens in the Fantasy Suite (or what my husband calls “The Bang Bang Room”) happens off camera.

So we open with Zac, Ivan and Brendan sitting on a drinking couch. “It’s definitely harder to be around you guys,” Zac says.

Well, fuck you, too.

Ivan gets the first date.

For reasons that defy logic, Tayshia and Ivan get into ice baths and have to see how long they can kiss while staying in the freezing water. Let’s just hope Ivan’s testicles drop again by the time they get to the Fantasy Suite.

Tayshia and Ivan sit in ice baths and kiss

To make it extra special weird, Chris Harrison sits behind a table and acts as a color commentator.

“Okay, they’re in the tub,” he says.

YEAH WE KNOW WE’RE WATCHING IT TOO.

In the end they make it for 6 minutes and 35 seconds which is a world record.

Back on the drinking couch Brendan reflects that’s hard to see the woman he’s dating having “an experience” with another man, and I have to wonder, yet again, if anyone actually watches this show before going on it.

At the dinner they aren’t allowed to eat Tayshia and Ivan talk about how now that they beat a world record they can do anything together.

Y’all sat in a bathtub and made out. Calm down.

So then they both say they are falling in love with each other, and then open the creepy AF letter. They head to the Fantasy Suite which is a silver airstream trailer. Champagne and donuts are set out for them. There’s no word on Ivan’s shrinkage situation.

The next morning they kiss noisily. Tayshia tells the camera that they spent a lot of time talking and she’s falling in love with Ivan.

Tayshia and Ivan embrace

Ivan does the walk of shame back to the drinking couch and tells Zac and Brendan that he didn’t get any sleep. Once again Brendan is weirded out.

Zac gets up and heads to his date with Tayshia which apparently occurs immediately after Ivan’s ends.

So Zac and Tayshia do this body painting thing, and I keep thinking about how paint is totally getting in their nooks and crannies, and like, that’s just a bacterial yeast infection waiting to happen.

“Sorry, Zac, I know tonight is Fantasy Suites but I need to run to CVS for some Monistat One.”

Click for me RN

Sarah Silverman shudders

There is a ton of squishy noise and making out on the canvas. It’s very disconcerting because it sounds like when my niece and nephew play with slime.

Tayshia and Zac are covered in paint

During dinner Tayshia tells Zac that she talked to his mom and learned he didn’t want kids, but that she wants five kids.

Zac tells her that she changed his mind on the subject.

Click for me

Belle from Beauty and the Beast raises an eyebrow

So having kids is kind of a huge thing, and changing your mind about it after spending like a total of eight hours with someone is a little suspect.

Zac tells Tayshia he loves her and she says she feels the same way, but she’s trying find something wrong.

“What if nothing is wrong?” he asks her.

So they open the letter penned in Chris Harrison’s blood. Chris writes the whole thing in block letters like he’s the fucking Zodiac Killer or something.

They go to one of the bungalows and I refuse to believe they both don’t still have paint in their butt cracks.

The next morning they dance on the bed and repeat that they love each other.

After Zac leaves Tayshia tells the camera she’s in love with all three men and she can see herself with all three of them.

So…polyamory?

Then there’s the awkward post-bang conversation among the three dudes where they look at their shoes a lot.

Then it’s Brendan’s date. He and Tayshia meet up with Neil Lane to discuss what kind of rings Tayshia likes. Neil is playing the piano when they walk in and 1. it’s so fucking weird and awkward because he acts like it was an accidental meeting and 2. he’s straight up playing chopsticks, I swear.

“So, jewelry,” Neil says, except it sounds like he says, “So, Julie,” and for a second I think he doesn’t know who Tayshia is.

Tayshia models jewelry while Brendan looks on

Brendan starts to get panicky when they look at wedding bands.

“I’ve been here before, I’ve looked at rings before, but when I propose to someone for a second time that person is going to be my wife for the rest of my life,” he says. “But am I ready to give Tayshia the commitment of forever? I don’t know.”

Well, you’ve got like 12 hours to figure it out, dude.

Then Neil tells them about how he keeps in touch with all the other Bachelor and Bachelorettes and it’s this painful dialogue that reminds me when my mom calls and the conversation goes like this:

“Do you remember Mrs. Andrews?”

“No?”

“Your fourth grade substitute teacher.”

“I don’t remember her.”

“The redhead.”

“No, I don’t remember.”

“Oh. Well, she died.”

ANYWAY, we get to dinner and Tayshia says she doesn’t know what Brendan is feeling and it’s stressing her out.

“When I came here I thought I was ready, and I knew I was ready in my own mind, and I expressed that to you. But knowing you’re ready because you want something so bad…and I want a wife and kids and family more than anything on the face of this earth, but coming to the realization that there’s a big part of me that’s still broken, that still needs time to heal,” he says. “As I sit here today, my heart isn’t whole.”

Brendan tells her he’s not the man she deserves right now. I read an article that referred to this moment as “Brendan self-eliminating” and it made it sound like he had a weird sexual episode at the time.

Tayshia said that a younger version of herself would be pissed at him, but she’s mature enough now not to push him. She walks him to the Limo of Tears.

Tayshia cries after Brendan leavesTayshia cries and says that she really thought it would be Brendan in the end.

So the next day, as Zac and Ivan prepare for the Dreaded Rose Ceremony, Ben shows up and knocks on Chris Harrison’s door. He tells Chris he needs to tell Tayshia he loves her.

Then Ben randomly goes and sits by the pool.

Then it’s nighttime and Tayshia is getting dressed up. Ben, having spent hours by the pool I guess, knocks on her door. At one point he sort of holds his hand out awkwardly like he wants to shake hands with her.

“I’m supposed to be long gone, and I know you sent me home already,” he says. “The way that ended, I was so completely caught off guard I didn’t know what to do or say, and I’m sorry for that. And for two days after, I was just like what the fuck happened. The feelings I’ve been having this entire time, I’ve been describing, but I didn’t know what it was. I’m in love with you.”

He then tells her he’s never felt this feeling before.

So this is Ben’s winning strategy:

  1.  Don’t tell Tayshia about his feelings.
  2. Come back to confess his love, but first hang out with Chris Harrison and then sit alone by the pool for like 8 hrs.
  3. Describe his feelings to Tayshia like some baffling medical episode he’s never experienced before. “And that’s when the pain started radiating down my arm, I guess.”

Ben needs help.

Honestly, at this point I kind of expect Ben to get lost on the way to the rose ceremony, wander in the desert, and probably die.

Tayshia is flabbergasted. She tells him she needs a minute.

We get some footage of her talking to a producer in another room. “I just wanna cry. I don’t know what to do. There’s a rose ceremony, what do I do with that?” she asks pointing to Ben in same tone of voice I reserve for something the cat yacked up.

And that’s where tonight’s episode ends. Tomorrow is the finale. Who do you think will “win?”

 

Comments are Closed

  1. Kate says:

    It’s infuriating that this show allows men to inflict their f’ed up toxic shit on the bachelorettes. It’s not romantic, it’s abuse.

  2. EC Spurlock says:

    Too little too late, Ben. But kudos to Brendan for being honest with both himself and Tayshia

  3. Violet Bick says:

    “Who do you think will win?”

    We’ve already won. We won another week/season of Elyse’s expert review and analysis. Thanks again, Elyse!

  4. chacha1 says:

    *facepalm* at five kids.
    LOL at Mrs. Andrews.
    WTF at Ben.
    and LOL again at ‘what do I do with THAT.’

  5. Gail says:

    Process of elimination… Ivan. Zack basically self eliminated with the kid thing as far as I’m concerned. Elyse, your Christmas gift is that the last episode is tonight!

  6. Stacie says:

    I had to comment on the Ms. Andrews conversation. My mom and I have that conversation all the time.
    So-in-so died. Do you remember her? No.
    We met her at a convention and she liked that dress you were wearing that I made you.
    I don’t remember her.
    You loved that polka dot dress. She said you were cute and you twirled around in it.
    Nope.
    When I send you the funeral program you’ll remember her.
    Okay.

    I like Ivan best even though I have not watched this season. His mom was cool.

  7. Randall M says:

    I have to wonder, yet again, if anyone actually watches this show before going on it.

    I can’t help but think not. I mean, if they had watched it, would they be on it?

  8. Stacey says:

    Okay, I have not been watching (just read the recaps) but this seems a little unfair. One guy gets to make out in the ice bath, one guy gets to make out in body paint, and the last guy gets to go ring shopping. How is that the same?

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