Elyse Watches The Bachelorette–S16 E7: A Bunch of Weens

It’s time for The Bachelorette everyone, where important questions will be asked: are Ed and Chasen still feuding?

What happened to baby Carlos?

Will Noah’s mustache mysteriously grow back overnight?

How hungover will I be tomorrow?

The episode opens with Noah calling the other guys “a bunch of weens” for being mad that he got the group date rose.

Then my three cats start begging for food more than two hours early and this happens.

Me: “You guys are a bunch of assholes. Not only did you get wet food like two hours ago, I gave you all a fist full of cookies this afternoon so I could get some fucking work done. Chips is the only one respecting me right now. The group date rose goes to Chips.”

Chips is the goodest boy. Anyway, back to the show. There’s another group date where the guys have to write and perform a love song to Tayshia. I would walk away right there and then. That’s a big ol nope from me.

The results are horrifying. You’d assume boy band manager Kenny would have an advantage, but no. Ed chooses to play the accordion.

Bennett raps and I just…

Demar sings a song called “mocha latte” comparing Tayshia to the beverage, which I’m pretty sure is super problematic. The group date rose goes to Ivan.

Ivan and Tayshia have a chill date where they order room service and play games. At one point Tayshia announces the floor is lava and they move from room to room stepping on the furniture.

Ivan orders them two of everything, plus wine, and then they have a pillow fight and the pillows fucking explode. I hope they tip the housekeeper (always tip the housekeeper). Then they eat the biggest ice cream sundae I’ve ever seen.

They talk about both being mixed race and about their families. They are both the oldest siblings and reflect on how they faced more pressure than their younger siblings (as an oldest I get this). Ivan tells her about how his younger brother fell into drugs and wound up serving a prison sentence. Ivan talks about his fears regarding police brutality and how his brother was beaten by COs in prison. It’s heartbreaking. Tayshia agrees that recent events like George Floyd’s  murder feel overwhelming. At one point she tears up and can’t speak. She says that she lives in a community where no one looks like her and she’s spent her life trying to prove she belongs.

They end the night watching home movies. Ivan gets the date rose.

Next up it’s another group date. Two of Tayshia’s friends join them to make the guys play Truth or Dare, which turns out to be just “dare.”

The first dare involves “not good smoothies,” which are, coincidentally, the only kind I’ve managed to make. One of the smoothies contains cow intestines. Riley chugs it and JUST manages not to puke. I just manage not to puke. Kenny drinks one with chicken feet, larvae and crickets.

Another dare is getting Chris Harrison to sign their naked butt. Chris pretends to be horrified, but this level of humiliation feeds the Rose God.

Then they have to make orgasm noises on the hotel speaker system.

Bitch please, I’ve made those noises eating a really good tiramisu in a restaurant.

Blake is very loud and guttural and Demar says, “Blake got some demons. That boy’s gotta go to church.”

Bennett sounds like he’s being beaten up, which maybe is his thing?

Lastly they have to eat a habanero pepper and then tell Tayshia how the feel about her.

Between the peppers and the smoothies these guys are gonna have such bad diarrhea.

During the cocktail hour, Tayshia asks Bennett about calling off his engagement. He tells her he realized the relationship wasn’t solid and feels he did the right thing.

Zac tells her she intimidates him and then they  make out in a hot tub because IDEK. He gets the group date rose.

Meanwhile Fish is lurking over the top of my laptop stink-eyeing me because Chips got the group date rose and no one got kibble (yet).

Ben is worried he didn’t get any time with Tayshia. So is Ed. They both head for her suite at the same time. Tense music plays. Ed accidentally goes to Chris Harrison’s suite and Chris invites him in a for a drink.

My husband asks, “Is he going to eat Ed? Not in a sexual way. Like actually eat him?”

IDK. Probably?

Ben tells Tayshia he’s sorry he disappointed her on their last date. Tayshia says her guard is up around him for some reason. He goes in for a kiss and then Ed, having escaped Chris Harrison’s sacrificial altar, shows up. Tayshia is annoyed and ignores him.

Presumably Ed spends the rest of the night wandering the resort being chased by wild animals.

The next night is the pre-Dreaded Rose Ceremony cocktail hour. Ben grabs Tayshia first and they make out for a bit.

Noah complains that the other guys don’t like him. He says that “it’s been implied you gave me the rose just to shake things up.” Tayshia doesn’t appreciate that. She assembles the guys in the main drinking room.

She tells them that if they think she’s creating drama for no reason, they need to grow up. “If you’re going to be questioning me, I’ll gladly walk you out,” she adds.

Noah tells them that he told Tayshia some of the guys think she gave him the rose purely for drama. The guys, especially Eazy, Ed and Bennett, say no one ever said that.

Bennett says he feels like he’s having an argument with a 14 year old. Then Bennett tells the camera, “I’m here for love, not breastfeeding Noah.”

I don’t know why, but I feel like Bennett might be into some kinky shit.

So then they go STRAIGHT TO ROSE.

In the end Kenny, Joe, Jordan C and Chasen all go home.

So Ed and Chasen cooled it for an episode, we have no idea where baby Carlos is, and Noah’s mustache remains at large. As for how hungover I’ll be tomorrow…very.

Are you watching?