We open during the Pre Dreaded Rose Ceremony cocktail party. Yosef confronts Clare about the strip dodgeball game and that he thought it was humiliating and degrading. Then he tells her that he expected more from the oldest Bachelorette and that Clare is setting a bad example for his daughter.
“I’m ashamed to be associated with you,” he says. “I can’t believe I sacrificed so much to be here just to watch this distasteful and classless display. I’m so appalled. Going back to our first date I feel like you really overreacted and you sounded crazy.”
I would like to point out that Yosef wasn’t on the date. He’s just opposed to it in principle.
“Never in a million years did I think I think I would have to utter these words again,” Clare says, “Do not ever talk to me like that. I would never want my children having a father like you. Get out of here.”
Then Yosef says she’s not fit to be a mother of his child. “You’re completely disgusting,” Yosef shouts. “I expected more from the oldest Bachelorette. You’re almost forty. She’s all yours boys!”
Clare tearfully points out to the camera that she didn’t even do anything to Yosef. “Sick,” she mutters. “Sick. Guess what: I’m the oldest Bachelorette that’s 39, that’s single, because I didn’t settle for men like that.”
Dale walks over and comforts Clare.
“He’s just such a BEEP,” Clare says. I think she said dick, but I can’t tell for sure.
Clare tells the camera she’s in love with Dale.
She tells the rest of the guys she doesn’t want to finish the party and isn’t up for conversation, so they’re going STRAIGHT TO ROSE.
STRAIGHT TO ROSE, PEOPLE.
Garin, one of the Blakes, and Tyler S go home.
The next morning former Bachelorette DeAnna shows up to offer Clare advice. Clare tells her about Dale. Then she gets up and says, “These are Dale’s pants,” and brings over a pair of black slacks and smells them.
WHY DO YOU HAVE HIS PANTS?
WHY ARE YOU SMELLING HIS PANTS?
Maybe I’m weird but never once in our nearly twenty year relationship have I felt compelled to smell my husband’s pants.
DeAnna tells her trust her instincts.
“This might be shortest season ever,” Clare says.
We cut to the dudes all falling asleep on the drinking couches while they wait for Clare. Apparently it’s been 4 hours since they got the date card. Clare tells them that she scratched the daytime date to just have a really long cocktail party.
Dale asks to talk to Clare first. They go back to her suite and make out. I’m a little concerned because they didn’t get the handwritten letter from Chris Harrison inviting them to bang yet.
After an hour the other guys form a search party. We see Clare talking to a producer about hurrying the other guys along.
She barely spends time with the other guys and then Dale comes back. They make out again. The other guys are super annoyed. Clare gives Dale the date rose which doesn’t help anything.
Next up is a one-on-one date with Zach J. They have a spa day starting with a pedicure and then getting facials. Then they hang out at the pool and Clare floats on a giant cloud floaty.
Then things get weird. Clare leans in to kiss Zach J, but then he kind of pulls back and he grabs her neck to kiss her again. Then she tries to go inside and change and he grabs her neck again. He also puts his hand on her stomach in a weirdly possessive way.
I’m not going to lie, this was actually triggering for me as a childhood domestic violence survivor. It looks painful and it’s not safe or appropriate. Clare is trying to get away and he’s not letting her. She keeps asking him to let her go inside and her body language and voice say that she is not okay with this.
Clare goes into her suite and is in tears. She said that she leaned in for a kiss and Zach pulled back, but then kept trying to grab her. She’s clearly very uncomfortable.
“It kind of triggers me and it scared me,” she says. “If I want to walk away from someone, let me walk away.” She sits on the floor and snuggles her dogs.
Next we see Zach J sitting at the table for dinner. Chris Harrison shows up and tells him Clare isn’t coming and that he’s leaving.
I don’t blame Clare. His body language and actions set off so many red flags. Zach J still thinks she’s upset because she thought he was leaning away from the kiss. He doesn’t get at all that him grabbing her and not letting her go was the issue.
Then it’s time for the next group date. Margaret Cho meets everyone on a stage set up for a roast. The guys are going to roast each other.
The other guys are going to make up the audience. Margaret Cho says that the guys look like the Jonas Brother Tabernacle Choir and tells Bennett he looks like someday a true crime podcast will be devoted to him.
Basically everyone roasts Dale and it’s not funny and it’s awkward as hell.
“You look like the boa constrictor from the Jungle Book,” Bennett says.
WTF does that even mean?
Clare is upset. “Hate on,” she says. “You can’t hate on love though.”
Clare talks to the guys at the cocktail party, but all she wants to discuss is what they said about Dale.
The guys express their frustration. They feel like she’s dating Dale and there’s no point in being there.
Clare seals it when instead of giving out a date rose, she gives the rose to herself. “I actually did not get what I needed with you guys,” she says.
Clare talks to a producer, and says, “I don’t think I can sit there and say you dished on my fiancé so hard.”
Yes, those were her exact words, and no, they don’t make sense.
The preview for next week shows Chris Harrison telling Clare, “The path you’re on right now doesn’t end well for anybody.”
…did she go on a murder spree or something?
Then we see Tayshia Adams rise out of the pool. MY GOD WAS SHE DOWN THERE THIS ENTIRE TIME?
This episode was super not fun.
Is anyone else watching?
Fun pants smelling story: a few years ago one of my best friends called really upset because she’d been sorting laundry and the pants her husband had worn the night before to a business dinner had a waxy red-orange smear next to the fly. She guessed it was lipstick and was trying to figure out how to confront him. Fast forward to an hour later when she decided to sniff the area around the pants to see if there was a perfume or possibly a cum odor but it smelled like vomit. Turned out he had eaten some bad shrimp and pulled over on the way home to barf in a bush and it splashed on his pants.
I am watching this season and can’t believe how cringy this is. It has been more painful than entertaining so far for sure. I look forward to your commentary though, thank you for the gifs, they are perfect!!
Feedly asked “Is this article about parenting?”
I’m so, so confused.
Also, feedly’s bot asked me if this post was about “parenting”. Extra confusing.
You think pants smelling is bad? I can tell you as a Brit the phrase conjures up terrible images!
Can’t find the review for the second episode so missed the strip dodgeball but the age shaming is infuriating me. Did he watch any previous shows before he signed up?
Ouch. I cringe just reading the review, to watch it must have been painful.
Big train wreck coming up seems like.
As a thirty-nine year old single (never married) woman, I could swear that I’ve versions of that fight with Yosef in every flavor of the Skittles rainbow.
Why the actual humping hell does being a certain age and possessing the potential to lactate mean I am auditioning to the role of child-care worker for your loin spawn, dude? Does your kid not have a mother? Did that person die? Are they in jail or in witness protection? If the answer to none of those questions is yes, then perhaps the child’s *actual* mother can be their motherly role model, and I can be left out of it.
Yes, I am within spitting distance of forty, but so what? If my bills are paid, I shower regularly, and can remain out of jail, then you sir, should be satisfied. Cuz that seems to be all I’m allowed to expect out of you, without being called a high-maintenance demanding bitch! (Sorry, had that flavor of fight too many times as well.)
Good on you Clare for speaking up that asshole men who try to shame women are the reason so damn many of us are still single at forty. I can’t wait till next year for my club membership and complimentary jacket.
PS- also extra good for you Clare for not giving in to what I’m sure had to have been behind the scenes pressure to give Zach a second chance or ignore your own good sense, cuz he’s “probably a good guy who just didn’t understand.” So good on you Clare. Solidarity or us seasoned gals. Though if you’re gonna sniff something of your sweeties’, maybe stick with the collar of his shirt instead (just a thought).
@Kate I am dying at that story oh my God.
What is this show doing! What is this woman doing GOING on this show? Where do they seem to find these men/women for these shows? They are so desperate to get on television and be “famous” that they go through this?
Elyse, how you stand watching this garbage every week I don’t know. This show has as little to do with LOVE or LUV as miniature golf has to do with the Masters. I don’t know what it shows about our society that this has been on season after season but “last day of the Roman empire”, gladiators and lions come to mind.
Ok, I never watch, but I read Elyse’s review regularly. Gotta say, this season reminds me of the tRump bus episode… cringe worthy enough for most people to turn away from but just salacious enough to keep ‘em peaking thru their fingers.
The age shaming is not OK. So, men love to objectify women (as this show does routinely.) but can’t take it when it happens to them. Interesting.
Trousers, Kit. Trousers.
@Starlight Archer, I <3 U.
"Why the actual humping hell does being a certain age and possessing the potential to lactate mean I am auditioning to the role of child-care worker for your loin spawn, dude? Does your kid not have a mother? Did that person die? Are they in jail or in witness protection? If the answer to none of those questions is yes, then perhaps the child’s *actual* mother can be their motherly role model, and I can be left out of it."
Yes.