Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S24 E12: Sweet Mercy, It’s Over

We’ve arrived at the end of Peter’s “journey” to find love, and only one woman is willing to shackle herself to this guy. Hannah Ann and Peter are in Australia where he will, presumably, propose to her since she’s literally the only one left.

My friend April stopped by and, against all better judgement, is sticking around to watch the finale despite not having seen any other episodes.

Pour yourself a stiff drink. Here we go.

We open in a studio in LA where Chris Harrison emerges from a secret chamber hidden in the floor. Chris tells us that no one, not him, not the producers, not the women, not Peter’s family, and not even Peter know how tonight is going to end. I would also be happy not knowing how tonight ends, but I am here for you, Bitchery.

Then we go back to Australia and there’s a lot of footage of Peter looking wistfully into the distance. He says he knows he has true love with Hannah Ann and that he’s found his person.

Neil Lane shows up to Peter’s room and he picks out an engagement ring. “I’m choosing Hannah Ann because I’m 100% certain and I want to choose her every day,” Peter says.

He is 100% sure he’s picking the only woman left.

Peter Facetimes Hannah Ann’s dad to ask his permission to propose.

Meanwhile, Hannah Ann who doesn’t know Madison left, is less certain. She says she’s fraying, knowing she’s given Peter everything and she still doesn’t know if he’ll choose her.

So then we see Chris Harrison approach Peter. “I hate to darken the mood today, because it’s a big day. There’s something I just found out about Hannah Ann. To be honest, I’m not positive she’s coming.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

NONE OF THE WOMEN CHOSE PETER.

BEST POSSIBLE ENDING.

“Oh my God,” Peter moans. He bends at the waist.

So then we cut to an interior shot where Peter is laying on a bed, his head on what might be a folded up jean jacket, while a PA puts a cold rag on his forehead. Why he’s not using one of the clearly visible pillows is a mystery. There are a bunch of towels bunched up nearby.

“I just got so lightheaded out there,” he says. He’s astonished Hannah Ann might not show up. “It makes no sense.”

Chris Harrison, in shirtsleeves, enters to tell Peter, who is still reclining like a Victorian maiden, that Hannah Ann is coming. Presumably they get out the smelling salts and shove him back outside.

The music they choose to play while Peter waits for Hannah Ann sounds like the sort of ominous song they’d play during an execution scene.

Hannah Ann gets out of a SUV. “Hi Chris Harrison,” she says. If you use his full name you hold mystical power over him.

Hannan Ann approaches the sacrificial platform: “In my heart I believe our love is so strong and that’s why I’m here, but it’s me and Madison left, and I can’t go through with this unless I’m sure I’m the only one he loves.”

Peter gets teary as he approaches her. “You look so beautiful,” he says, grateful that someone,  anyone showed up.

Peter’s voice shakes, “Hannah Ann,” he quavers, “I remember that first night, when I gave out that first impression rose, there was never a question for me who that was going to.” Then he tells her he wants to follow his heart. “So Madison, she actually left two days ago. Hannah Ann, your beautiful spirit is unlike anything I’ve ever seen before…”

April mutters, “And it’s down to you or Chris Harrison…”

“Hannan Ann,” he continues, “the love that you showed me is all that I ever wanted. And I never want to let you go.”

“You want me?” she asks, incredulously.

He gets down on one knee and proposes, and Hannah Ann says yes.

Then he carries her off the altar.

“He couldn’t get a suitcase into a golf cart and she’s letting him carry her through the Outback?” April asks. “That seems like a bad choice.”

We still have an hour and a half of this fucking show.

April and I send our husbands out to pick up ice cream.

We cut to LA one week later, when Peter is going to tell his family he’s engaged. His mother, Barbara, starts crying the minute he walks in the door.

“We missed you so much,” she sobs. “Your smile. Your hellos.”

IT’S BEEN A WEEK, BARBARA.

Peter gives a long rambling speech about finding true love and Barbara interrupts him. “WHO IS IT?” she demands.

He wraps it up and when he says Hannah Ann, she wails and starts sobbing like she’s just witnessed a murder.

“What a beautiful day! I can’t wait to see my daughter!” she cries.

We go back to the studio and Peter comes out to talk to Chris Harrison. Chris asks him if he was able to fully move on from his breakup from Madison.

Peter says that the feelings he built up for months didn’t just disappear in a matter of days.

Then we cut to footage of Hannah Ann visiting Peter in LA after their engagement. They sit down on a sofa together. They say it’s been a month since they’ve seen each other.

In a box in a corner we get Barbara’s face as she watches the footage.

Hannah Ann says she worries that Peter doesn’t really want her.

“I’ve been honest with you about everything,” Peter says. “Like I had no doubt I’d fallen in love with you and I love you. There’s no doubt about that for so many reasons. I’m just struggling, you know. It kills me to put you through this.”

She replies, “I told you’d I’d stay by your side even if it killed me, and like, it has to be fifty-fifty.”

So…murder-suicide?

“I never intended to give my heart to two people,” he replies. “I want so badly to give you everything, to give you my entire heart. And I can’t do that. I’m so sorry,” he says tearfully.

Hannah Ann starts crying. “You took away from me my first engagement. You took that away from me. Because I trusted you, and that’s what you’ve continually asked me to do.” She gets up.

In the corner box Barbara looks devastated.

Peter, you dumbass.

“This isn’t what I imagined ever,” he says.

“How do you think I feel?” she asks. “Why didn’t you just let me go.” She takes off her ring.

“I’m so sorry…”

“For what?” she demands. “For not being man enough to follow through with your words? For not being true to your feelings?”

“I swear to God, I never meant to do this to either of us,” he says.

“Then why is it happening now?” she asks. “Torn and conflicted Peter, all through that I stuck by your side, and you took the most precious moment I could imagine away from me. Because you selfishly didn’t want to send me home. I can’t even look at you anymore.”

When Hannah Ann shoves the ring at Peter and says she’s done, Barbara starts clapping.

Peter tries to talk to her and she asks, “If you can’t be true to your word, why should I listen to you?”

Back in the studio, Peter makes mouth noises about how sorry he is.

April mutters, “Meanwhile your mom is in the audience fashioning a shank from her chair…”

So then Hannah Ann comes out. She asks Peter if he doesn’t understand the weight of his words or if he doesn’t care.

Barbara claps.

THANKSGIVING IS GONNA BE AWKARD IN THAT HOUSE.

Hannah Ann says that Peter reached out to her parents saying he wished they met outside of reality TV. “How does that make sense?” she asks. “You signed up for The Bachelor.”

Peter says he wouldn’t have proposed if he didn’t feel the love in his heart (as opposed to his pancreas?) and that it kills him that he broke up with her.

CLEARLY NOT, PETER. YOU ARE STILL DISAPPOINTINGLY ALIVE.

Then he says he was processing and grieving another relationship.

Hannah Ann says, “I had no idea what I was saying yes to. That’s called being blindsided, Peter. Peter, you and I have been through a lot together, and the first red flag to me should have been you reaching out to Hannah Brown to find closure,” she continues. “So there were three women in our engagement. Me, Madison and Hannah Brown.”

“I’ve said many times, no one knows how this journey is going to end,” Chris Harrison says.

Possibly with Peter’s mom murdering him, based on her facial expression.

So then we find out Chris Harrison went to Auburn, Alabama, to meet up with Madison. We get the footage of him showing up to her house in a Fred Rogers-y sweater.

Madison tells Chris how hard walking away from Peter was, she regrets it,  and down in her corner, Barbara rolls her eyes.

Chris Harrison reveals that Peter ended his engagement.

“Is he okay?” Madison asks.

“What about you?” Chris asks.

Chris tells her Peter ended his engagement because of his feelings for her. AND HANNAH BROWN APPARENTLY.

“I think in his dream, he would be with you,” Chris says.

AND HANNAH BROWN APPARENTLY.

Barbara is ready to spit fire.

“I guess we’re heading to LA,” Madison says.

“Go pack a bag,” says Chris Harrison.

“I’m so sweaty!” Madison says.

I am not gonna lie. This whole thing is kinda delightful in it’s wtfery.

So then we cut to footage of Madison meeting Peter in LA. “What are you doing here?” Peter asks despite the fact that he was asked for permission to film this and therefore clearly knew she was coming. Or maybe he forgot it, as he we’ve established he has the memory of a hamster.

Then back in the studio Chris Harrison reveals that Peter was expecting him at the meet up, not Madison.

Then we cut back to the mansion in LA. Madison tells him that what she felt for him in Australia never went away.

Barbara, in her box, is seething.

Peter says, “I know I made a million and one mistakes, but I know I fell in love with you.”

Back in the studio, Peter says he hasn’t seen Madison since that day. Chris Harrison asks him if he’s in love with Madison.

“Yeah,” Peter says.

Love the enthusiasm, Peter.

They bring Madison out. She says she still loves Peter.

God, I hope someone frisked Barbara.

“Answer the million dollar question,” Chris Harrison demands. “How is this going to end? Do you want to give this relationship a real shot.”

Peter says they need to take it one step at a time.

Chris Harrison asks Barbara how she feels. She says that Hannah Ann embraced her with love, while Madison made them wait three hours because she didn’t want to meet them. She didn’t apologize for the delay and then couldn’t tell her she was in love with Peter or that she would accept his proposal. “How do you expect a mother, who loves her son with all of her heart, to take that?”

Madison says that she can’t change the past and that she’s undeniably and unashamedly who she is.

Peter says his family is coming from a place of love, but they need to give it time.

Barbara says that Hannah Ann was willing to compromise and Madison wasn’t.

CHRISTMAS IS GONNA BE REAL WEIRD, TOO.

“This wasn’t just Peter’s journey,” Madison replies.

“Barb, how do we turn the page?” Chris Harrison asks. I think he might actually be glowing with all the negative energy he’s absorbing.

“Chris, he’s going to need to fail to succeed. All of his friends, all of his family, know this isn’t going to work,” Barbara replies.

“I’m telling you I love Madison, and that should be enough,” Peter says.

Chris asks Peter’s dad what he thinks. Peter’s dad looks like he’d rather pull his eyes out with a spork than answer that question.

“Anyone who was watching this show…we saw more than the average person here, would understand that there are so many obstacles to overcome. When you’re beginning a relationship that should be the brightest spot, and this was far from it,” Peter Sr. says.

“This is about me and Peter. This is up to us to figure out,” Madison says.

There’s some applause, more seething from Barb, Chris Harrison licks his chops and then they introduce the next Bachelorette, Clare Crawley.

And that’s it for season 24. What did you think?