Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S24 E11: Why is this two episodes long?

It’s Monday night and the first of a two-part Bachelor finale is about to air.

Why does it have to be two parts? Because the Rose God is cruel.

How much wine will it take me to get through this? Too much.

Will this be the most dramatic season ever?

Fuck no.

Peter is as exciting as a moldering dishcloth. Shit, he spent part of this season actively trying to keep all of the women from walking off in disgust. He HIT HIMSELF IN THE HEAD WITH A GLASS AND NEEDED 22 STITCHES.

There has been plenty of speculation as to what the finale to this season will entail.

Does Peter end up with a producer? Is one of the women pregnant?

Do I care?

I can 100% confirm this spoiler: no, I do not.

We open up in the studio in LA where Chris Harrison hides during the daylight hours. He tells us that this will be “one of the most controversial and shocking” finales ever.

Peter is in Alice Springs, Australia. He reunites with his family, and his mom acts like he’s been off to war instead of falling into golf carts.

Hannah Ann gets the first date and meets Peter’s parents and his brother, Jack. She tearfully tells his mom how hard the “journey” has been for her because she loves Peter and might not see him again after this week. She tells his dad that it was love at first sight.

So then the next day Madison gets to meet Peter’s family. His mom has previously expressed concerns about her because she hasn’t told Peter she loves him and because she was upset about him sleeping with one of the other women.

Peter says, “I’m so in love with Madison, and from my side, I want to do whatever to make this work.”

Madison tells Peter right away that she’s “not doing good.” She tells Peter he can make decisions for himself, but that she’s still really hurt about the Fantasy Suites week.

“I feel like you put your feelings and your needs and your wants way above mine,” she tells him.

Peter scowls down at his shorts. Then he tells her that because she hasn’t told him what she feels about him, he was less sure of her than he was of the other girls. He says, “Do you understand I’m not just in a relationship with you?”

“At this point I feel like I’m hanging on by a thread,” Madison says.

Then they do a lot of whisper sniffle talking where Madison tells him she’s unsure and Peter tries to reassure her.

So then Madison tells him that she was going to tell him she loved him that night, but then he told he slept with someone else. Peter, completely missing the second part of the sentence, is giddy that she loves him.

Peter points to his face and says, “This is not coming off, all day.” I assume he means his smile, but he could also mean that he’s not going to shank himself in the face with a drinking glass again.

They go meet Peter’s parents and openly discuss Madison’s reservations about him sleeping with another woman (women?) and it’s extremely cringey.

“Obviously you’re very physical in relationships,” Jack says to his brother. “And let’s assume you go with Madi. And so now you’re talking about this whole period of not having sex until you’re fully married. Is that something realistically you could see yourself doing?”

Oh, god, this is so painful…

Then Jack says that Peter likes to go to the clubs and go line dancing, and Madison is really into ministry, and he doesn’t see them as compatible.

Peter’s mom raises the issue of different lifestyles as well, and says she doesn’t want anyone to change him. She points out Peter likes to party. Then she tells Madison that whether Peter gets physical with someone else is his choice.

Oh, god, why do these people talk about Peter’s sex life so much. Whhhyyyy.

Madison tells her, “At the same time I have my standards.”

She tells the camera that the day, “Opened my eyes to a lot of things I’ve been running from. We’re kind of on different pages. What we want, what we need, what we expect. Literally in every way.”

Peter walks her out and when he comes back his mom is sobbing. “She’s not there for you,” she tells him. She tells him she prayed for God to put the right woman in his path. “Madison is a sweet girl, but Hannah Ann is an angel on earth,” she says.

Peter’s whole family tells him that Hannah Ann is the one, and his mom starts sobbing again. “She’s a dream come true and God has placed her there for you. That’s what love stories are made of.”

“You gotta stop doing this,” Peter says.

“Peter, I have emotions!” his mom says.

While all of this is going on, in the background a bird is totally losing its shit. Like the bird either wants him to pick Hannah Ann too, is having a crisis or, more likely, wants these people to all shut up.

At this point, and I am not making this up, Fisher gets up and shoves his entire head into my husband’s backpack to make it all stop.

So then Peter takes Madison on a date where they fly a helicopter over Uluru. They picnic and Madison tells Peter she doesn’t know if they can give each other what they need.

“I’m willing to walk away so you can get what you came here to find,” she says.

“Why don’t you think you’re than person?” he asks.

“I just think that we see things so differently, we expect such different things. There’s always going to be this level of misunderstanding. I don’t want us to work into overtime to love each other,” she says.

Peter says he’s confused.

Well, I, for one, am shocked by that.

He asks her if this is just because of the Fantasy Suites week fiasco, and she says that it’s more than that and she’s realized they’re very different people.

During all of this, they’re being attacked by flies and keep having to swat at themselves.

He walks her to a waiting SUV and they say goodbye.

We cut to the next morning where Peter sits and stares mournfully into the distance. Chris Harrison arrives to deliver comfort and/or feast off his emotional distress like a vampire.

“I’m mourning this relationship right now,” Peter says, “but I’m also in love with Hannah Ann.”

So then Peter and Hannah Ann have their date where they go to a kangaroo sanctuary AND MEET BABY KANGAROOS.

OMG.

OMG YOU GUYS.

THE LEVEL OF CUTE IS FATAL.

Hannah Ann notices that something is off with Peter. She worries he won’t pick her.

LOL. I wonder how she’d feel if she knew she was the only one left because no one else wants him.

That evening Hannah Ann puts on this really gorgeous dress and lights all these candles in her suite, and Peter shows up wearing what I can only assume is his very best hoodie.

Peter tells her he’s confused and his heart is being pulled in two directions and YOU ARE LITERALLY DOWN TO YOUR LAST OPTION, BUD.

Hannah Ann tells him it hurts because she’s so sure and he’s not.

My husband asks despairingly, “If there’s only one left, why do we need another fucking night of this?”

Hannah Ann tearfully walks him to the door and reflects on how nervous she is about tomorrow.

And that’s where we end. Are you still watching? Are you sober?