Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S24 E4: We’re Makin’ Biscuits

Happy Bachelor day, Bitchery!

Last week after a ton of back and forth bickering, Alayah went home after being dubbed “fake.” That was basically the entire episode. That’s the entire intro.

Pour yourself a stiff drink. Let’s get this party started.

The episode opens with Chris Harrison telling the contestants, “Good morning! C’mon in! We’re making biscuits!”

They all assemble in the living room where there are no biscuits.

Is that some sort of slang term I’m unaware of?

Does Chris Harrison know that you cannot promise a delicious, fluffy biscuit and then not deliver it?

Does “biscuit” mean “a contrived event put together by the producers to cause as much emotional distress as possible?”

I am full of questions.

Chris Harrison tells the ladies it’s time to start traveling. They are headed for Cleveland, OH.

There’s noticeable silence when he says “Cleveland.” Saint Tropez comes later in the season, ladies.

The first one-on-one date belongs to Victoria F. At first Victoria thinks they’re going skydiving and she freaks out because she’s afraid of heights. Fortunately they’re just going to …a roller coaster park. She spends most of the date screaming. And it’s not “fourth time in the Windmill” screaming either.

Afterwards they have a beer and Peter tells her that he wants to have either two or four kids because he loves amusement parks and roller coasters and if you have an odd number of kids one of them has to sit on the ride alone and “that’s sad.”

…Okay.

So then Peter takes her to a private Chase Rice concert. Chase is a country singer and Victoria F’s ex boyfriend.

So a brief aside. Apparently The Bachelor producers approached Chase to do one of those pop up concerts that appear several times in every season. Chase had no idea that his ex would be on the show and the producers didn’t tell him. He claims he and Victoria F dated, didn’t work out, broke up, and there weren’t any lingering feelings. But he really didn’t appreciate being manipulated into providing some BS drama on the show and he slammed the producers in the press.

There’s a moment where Chase recognizes Victoria and looks surprised and pissed off.  Peter meets Chase briefly and Chase doesn’t say anything about having dated Victoria. Victoria talks to him privately and asks, “Did you know?”

“Nope,” Chase says, pissed.

“I just don’t want it to be a thing and I’m freaking out,” she says.

“Just do what’s best for you,” he replies.

When they go to the dinner portion of the date, Victoria  freaks out that Peter will be upset when he finds out she dated Chase. Because apparently she wasn’t supposed to have relationships before? IDK.

So she tells Peter.

“The guy who was singing… I like, I was talking to him. What?” says Peter. “This is so friggin’ weird. When do you dance and make out in front of someone’s ex?”

Peter’s failure to connect any of these dots is concerning. The man is allowed to fly commercial planes and is presumably responsible for human lives.

So then Victoria walks away crying.

Guys. Guys. The producers set this up and no one should care.

So then Peter follows her and tells her it’s okay and it’s all a lot of something about nothing.

So Victoria F says, “Peter is a really good man and the fact that he could accept me for me when I’m at my lowest point is really something.”

AT YOUR LOWEST POINT? YOU DATED SOMEONE PREVIOUSLY. YOU DIDN’T MURDER A FAMILY OF FOUR.

He gives her the date rose.

Next up it’s time for the group date. Thirteen of the women meet Peter at the First Energy football stadium.

At this moment, Fisher walks into the living room, plonks his fuzzy butt down and scoots across the carpet. I guess that’s how he feels about the episode.

The women break up into teams. The winning team goes to the afterparty and the losers go back to the hotel. Jon Doss and Morgan Wright announce the “Bachelor Bowl.”

I can’t be bothered to watch regular football so…

Both teams tie and all thirteen women go on to the cocktail party.  Much to everyone’s surprise, Alayah shows up. Peter is talking to Shiann when Alayah walks over and says, “Mind if I interrupt?”

Alayah tells Peter she was blindsided and didn’t have time to defend herself. Peter reminds her that she asked Victoria P to lie about knowing her. Alayah says that’s not true and that she and Victoria P were actually good friends who had been planning a vacation together.

“I’m obviously being lied to by someone,” Peter says.

Peter talks to Victoria P who confirms she went to Vegas with Alayah. Peter is confused because Victoria P previously told him they weren’t friends and knew each other for about three hours.

“All I know is there is so much I want to share with you,” Victoria P says through tears.

So then Victoria P and Alayah sit down with Peter together WHICH WE SHOULD HAVE DONE LIKE AN EPISODE AGO AND SAVED US ALL SO MUCH FUCKING TIME.

So Victoria P says that even though they went on vacation together, she didn’t get to know or become friends with Alayah. Then she carefully wipes Alayah’s tears away which is something you totally do to someone you don’t know and aren’t friends with.

“Is there a relationship here or not?” Peter asks.

[Ed. note: who cares? Are women not allowed to be friends OR have ex-boyfriends?]

“I’m just freaked out that Victoria isn’t who I think she is,” Peter says to the camera. “That terrifies me.”

Personally I’m terrified of clowns, but good share.

Meanwhile all the other women are super frustrated because this drama is eating up all their time.

Peter asks Alayah if she’ll come back on the show and she agrees. Peter takes her hand and walks out to the room full of couches where he announces that he’s bringing Alayah back on the show.

He gives the date rose to Alayah and kisses her.

THERE IS MUCH SHOCK.

Later the women all come together in their mutual annoyance with Peter.

The next day the one-on-one date is with Kelsey. They eat pierogi and dance the polka. During the dinner they aren’t allowed to eat, Kelsey tells Peter that she came home from school one day to a letter and her dad’s wedding ring on the counter. She found out before her mom that he had left the family.

Peter shares that his mom and grandma immigrated from Cuba with nothing and had to work hard to start a new life.

Peter gives Kelsey the date rose and they watch fireworks.

We cut back to the hotel. Victoria F is mad. Alayah, not being on the show for a minute, was up to date on Bachelor gossip and told the other women that Victoria F’s ex was on the show.

Victoria F accuses her of stirring the pot, “which is why you went home in the first place!”

All of the women convene for a couch and wine summit and agree Peter made a dumb choice bringing Alayah back, and they are all mad at him.

Do they turn against Peter? Do they lock him in a closet, hold Chris Harrison hostage by threatening to expose the painting of himself he keeps locked in an attic? Do they use up the wine and travel budget on precious girl time?

PLEASE ROSE GOD, I JUST WANT THIS ONE THING.

We go to the Pre-Dreaded Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party. Peter saunters in and asks to talk to one of the Victorias.

The women shut him down. They tell him they busted their butts in the football challenge, came out with actual bruises, and he disrespected them by giving Alayah the rose when she just showed up to stir the shit pot. They tell him he’s ignoring most of them.

“My ankle is still sore, my knee is still sore,” Natasha says. “And for you to give it to her of all people really hurt.”

Peter apologizes and says he gave her the rose because he was angry with himself for not following his heart. He asks to talk to Victoria P. She says she’s angry with him and doesn’t want to talk.

Peter looks stunned.

She does walk outside with him, and she chews him out, telling him she was honest with him and he put her in the middle of drama she didn’t want.

OH THIS IS GOOD.

Then Victoria F tells him that Alayah already stared shit. Sydney tells him that he doesn’t know anything about her because he hasn’t bothered to spend time with her because he’s wrapped up in the Alayah situation.

At this point Peter looks like he’s ready to run out of the building, fake his own death, and start a new life as a fisherman. Someday someone will ask him, “Aren’t you Peter from The Bachelor” and he’ll look out at the sea, rub his stubbly beard and say, “Peter? No. Peter died a long time ago.”

“I’m worried all these girls are just going to walk out,” Peter says.

PLEASE YES.

And that’s where we end.

Do you think the women should bail? Are you watching?