Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S24 E3: We’re Still Talking About Champagne

Elyse Watches The Bachelor with Kraken Rum and Coke It’s time for The Bachelor and I regret to inform you that we are still talking about champagne.

We open at the McMansion the day after the last group date, and Hannah Ann and Kelsey are both still crying about their feud. Kelsey is mad that Hannah Ann told Peter she was a bully, and Hannah Ann is mad that Kelsey accused her of champagne thievery.

Also there’s a redhead on the show that I absolutely do not remember, and I would not be at all surprised if they just snuck a random person on there to see if anyone noticed.

The first one-on-one date goes to Victoria P. Peter likes to remind everyone that he grew up like five minutes from the McMansion, so he takes Victoria P to a local country western store and then line dancing at his favorite bar.

So if Peter grew up near the McMansion, is it possible that as a small child he was corrupted by the forces of the Rose God? Did the Rose God appear to him, in a storm drain, holding a floating red rose? Has Peter been groomed to be the penultimate sacrifice?

[Ed. note: I’d watch the absolute heckin’ crap out of that show.]

We cut back to the McMansion where Kelsey and Hannah Ann are talking. Hannah Ann refers to the champagne incident as a “finasco.” I’d like to think they’re both 3 mimosas deep at this point.

Then Kelsey drops the bombshell, “It’s not even about the champagne. I don’t even really like champagne?”

BUT THE CHAMPAGNE WAS YOUR HEART KELSEY. YOU SAID IT WAS YOUR HEART!

OMG Kelsey

Kelsey tells Hannah Ann that she doesn't even really like champagne

There’s an amazing shot of Natasha rolling her eyes over the rim of her coffee mug, but I couldn’t find a GIF anywhere.

Kelsey wants to know why Hannah Ann is only talking to her now as opposed to when all this went down.

“You said to stay the fuck away from you,” Hannah Ann replies.

“Oh so we’re making this about me now?” Kelsey asks.

Jesus Christ.

Anyway, back to Peter’s date with Victoria P. They’re on to the dinner where they aren’t allowed to eat.

There’s a point on every one-on-one date where the contestant is expected to be vulnerable. This is usually revealing some past trauma that has helped them grow. Now, if that feels icky and exploitative… it is.

For the record though, you could totally make some shit up. One season a contestant sobbed because she recalled the time she got stuck in a bumper car as a kid, and the producers ran with it. Not even joking.

Victoria P reveals that her dad passed away when she was a child and her mom was an addict. They were food insecure and in and out of shelters, and Victoria P had to take care of her sister.

Victoria P cries

Then she says the most heartbreaking words. “I was scared to share this because I know it’s heavy and you’ve had a heavy week.”

VICTORIA.

HONEY.

You deserve all the love and kindness this world has to offer. Peter had to deal with an ex and a missing bottle of champagne. Fuck him. You eat that dinner you aren’t supposed to, down that wine, and take a big ol’ nap on the limo ride home. Then text your therapist because you need to prioritize you and your mental health, not Peter and his champagne drama.

So then Peter starts rambling about how he asked God if the right woman would be on the show and then he saw a shooting star, and it’s weird, and I totally believe that Chris Harrison made that shooting star happen somehow.

Then my husband, who is clearly here for the right reasons, tells me he brought me home a deep-fried brownie and THE FINAL ROSE GOES TO YOU, RICH!

Next up we see the McMansion at dawn, and Demi from Colton’s season comes through the gates. Demi was kind of cast as a villain, but really she’s just a free spirit. She wakes the house up with a megaphone. She gives all the women who were selected for the group date PJs ranging from lingerie to a giant flannel nightgown that looks comfy AF.

They go to a saloon where a ring is set up for a pillow fight. You get where this is going.

Savannah, Peter and Tammy stand in front of the pillow fight ring

Chris Harrison and Fred Willard announce the fight. I don’t know what Fred did to wind up on this show, but I can’t imagine he deserves this level of punishment. Let the man live out his golden years in peace.

Tammy, my cheese loving fav, was on the varsity wrestling team in high school and she comes out like a “Tasmanian devil” (per Demi).

Alayah wins the final round.

Some of the other women feel like Alayah is fake and puts on a show for Peter. For the record she puts on a higher pitched “baby” voice when she’s with him.

Sydney tells Peter that Alayah is fake and not there for the right reasons (take a shot) which freaks out Peter because he doesn’t want to wind up with Dog Food Jingle Jed at the end of this.

So Peter comforts them both together and it’s crazy uncomfortable.

There’s like a twenty minute conversation about who’s fake and who’s not while Peter stares wide-eyed into the middle distance and I’m not going to recap it all because it’s dumb.

Click for a Sydney- Alayah stare down

Sydney stares ahead while Alayah smirks

Sydney gets the date rose for being honest with Peter.

The next day a bookcase slides open and Chris Harrison appears from a hidden, cobweb filled corridor. He tells the women that they are going to have a pool party with Peter and then instead of a cocktail party they are going straight to rose.

STRAIGHT TO ROSE.

THIS IS NOT A WARNING PEOPLE, WE ARE GOING STRAIGHT TO ROSE.

Click for GIF

red lights flash

Basically the entire party consists of the other women shit talking about Alayah to Peter. Even the mystery redhead says that Alayah’s fake. This goes on for like fifteen minutes.

Peter talks to Madison
Peter talks to Madison

Peter pulls Alayah aside and ask her why so many of the other girls would think she’s fake. He tells her that he’s drawn to her and he doesn’t think she’s being deceptive.

Then he asks Victoria P what she thinks about Alayah–this is fucking exhausting you guys–and Victoria admits that they knew each other briefly from the pageant circuit and that Alayah asked her to lie about it. She also says that Alayah keeps talking about the opportunities that will come from being on the show.

Peter then asks Alayah about what Victoria P said…

Alayah is kind of caught in a lie about knowing Victoria P.

Can we wrap this up?

Rose from Titanic says It's been 84 Years

Peter walks away. Later Chris Harrison comes out and tells the ladies to get ready for The Dreaded Rose Ceremony. He says Peter is conflicted. So we cut ahead. Eventually Peter has two roses left. Alayah is one of the women left without a rose. There’s dramatic music. Peter leaves the room. He and Chris Harrison have a whispered conversation in the corridor.

Peter walks back into the room followed by Chris Harrison, who removes one of the two remaining roses.

MOAR DRAMATIC MUSIC.

McKenna gets the final rose.

Alayah, Alexa, Jasmine and Sarah go home.

And that’s it. Did you survive this week? Are you watching?

My cat Fisher lays on his back, limbs spread, full on splort. My other cat Dewey looks at me like we kept the receipt for him right?
I think this episode might have been too much for Fish.

Comments are Closed

  1. Regalli says:

    We haven’t even travelled enough to put everyone in a state of permanent jet lag or had enough makeouts everyone has the same cold yet, how is everyone this dramatic and fixated on boring shit? Is the jet lag/colds a crucial part of people letting go of their boring drama or something?

    Way better show pitch: ABC just pays for people’s therapy. We don’t see the sessions, because that would violate several professional standards and also HIPAA, ABC just pays for therapy and helps them find a therapist they click with and people talk about how helpful it is.

  2. Deianira says:

    Fish is me today. Not because of the show but because I’m in the middle of billing a major grant with an insanely nit-picky grant manager. I console myself with thoughts of mojitos after work.

  3. WendyC says:

    I’m with Fish and I didn’t even watch this.

  4. Michelle says:

    ‘Are you watching?’ Nope, but I’m reading the heck out of your recaps! Also totally here for the gifs 😉 and the cats.

  5. Nancy Levine says:

    Looking at pics of your cats was fun…they’re very cute. I had a cat who watched The bachelorette with me when Christa was on. I think he had a thing for her…lol. I like the two Victorias. Victoria P is the nurse right? I like her!

  6. Escapeologist says:

    Straight to rose gif made me snort laugh.

    Fish is so floofy and relaxed ahhhhhh I wuv him

  7. Kate says:

    No pic of the deep fried brownie??

  8. StarlightArcher says:

    I’m with @Kate and @Nancy Levine, can we go straight to deep fried brownies and floofy cats? Because I feel those are the right reasons to be here!

  9. HL says:

    I love the GIF for ‘can we wrap this up?’!!

    Also, way to go Rich! I would give a dozen roses for a fried brownie

  10. Caro says:

    Fish is all of us.

  11. Poor Fish. He has yet to learn the ways of the Rose God of Doooom. Or he’s in a fried brownie coma*. I can’t tell.

    *I know chocolate is bad for him, and I’m 100% positive Elyse didn’t give him any. Just a joke.

  12. SusanE says:

    Is it sad that the best part of this episode is the cat picture and the deep fried brownie? (Why have I never heard about this? I need one right now!) Rich gets ALL the roses forever.

  13. Edwina says:

    I am here for all the deep fried brownies and giant flannel nightgowns. They are comfy AF.

  14. Lisa F says:

    Aww, I liked Alexa, if only because she seemed nice and non-dramatic. But on a show like this that equals boring.

  15. I’m guessing Alayah is the only one who was honest about why she was there. Rich has always gotten my rose, but for a fried brownie I’d give him two, and pretty much enything else he asked for. You rock Elyse!

  16. Kris Bock says:

    Please tell us more about this deep fried brownie.

    Even a regular brownie would be more interesting than the people on that show. And of course, the cats are way better in every way.

    But I really want to know how one deep fries a brownie. Is it battered? Was it still hot when you got it?

    HOW CAN I GET ONE?

  17. HeatherS says:

    Girl was complaining about “the mumu” and here I am thinking the floral pattern is pretty and it looks comfy for cold weather.

    That was the one episode I watched because I couldn’t be bothered to get up and change the channel. Ugh. Sadly, it seems like we’ve not seen the last of Alayah, much as we might hope to. The “next on The Bachelor” spots all but declared that she’ll be back, since Peter was all “I don’t feel good about letting her go”. Did Hannah B. not sit you down and remind you that she said the same “but we have a connection/he could be the One/etc” nonsense about Like P. and Jed of the Dog Food Jingle?

  18. Cristie says:

    I also vote that we go straight for the cat and brownie pics in future recaps. Elyse your cats are the best!

  19. Cris S. says:

    Straight to Brownie people!

    (although, in honor of my daughter, I should say “Gaily forward to Brownie!”)

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