It’s time for our monthly discussion question! This month, with so many new reviewers, we have quite a conversation. I’ve linked to the new reviewer bios, so you can get to know us, and we can get to know you!
A head’s up: we talk about mental illness and coping mechanisms in this post. On to this month’s discussion.
In addition to reading (lots and lots of romance) what kind and caring things do you do for yourself?
Sarah: I have a list. I’m sure this surprises exactly zero people who know me, but as a self employed person who works from home, I have to actively monitor my tendency to think, “Well, you’re awake and caffeinated, so you might as well be working.” Not only does that increase my likelihood of burnout, but it makes me less effective and efficient in the long term.
So I have a list of things I do that is titled, “Not Working Fun Stuff.” As in, what do I do when I’m not working?
On the list:
Cross Stitching: I’ve written about this before, but as a hobby, it’s soothing, meditative, creative, oriented toward puzzle or problem solving, and – added bonus – allows me to stab something over and over. Plus there’s no shortage of smart-assed cross stitch patterns. I’ve also created my own a few times, and used my library access to digital copies of UK cross stitch magazines to find new patterns I love.
Gardening: I don’t have a lot of garden, but what little I do have, if I dip myself in bug spray, I really enjoy the work of it. Maybe this is true for you, but the idea of having to weed or garden or plant something seems so ominous, but once I’m doing it, I’m having a good time. Plus, I can listen to music, podcasts, whatever I want.
Sending a Card: One of my favorites! I send a greeting card or small drawing to a friend, saying hello and adding a friendly item to their mailbox. Like many people, I have nearby friends and far away friends, and sending greetings with silly cards and goofy lettering (especially on the envelopes) is a lot of fun. (And don’t get me started on wax seals.)
I even developed a short online course called Send Your Friendship to help other people become more attentive correspondents using Google Calendar and advanced reminders. I love getting personal notes in the mail, and I know other folks do, too.
Clearly I like activities and creativity as a form of being kind to myself.
Amanda: Okay, I think I’ve figured out three things I do for myself. One was obvious, but the other two were things I do that really have a positive impact but I never equated to self care.
Eyebrow waxes: I have an automatically scheduled appointment every 6-8 weeks for an eyebrow wax. I never learned how to shape my own eyebrows and since they’re rather thick, I’ve had quite a few Nair accidents.
Going to my waxing place though is so soothing. I get to lie down for ten minutes, have some idle chit chat, and get some bangin’ new eyebrows. I literally feel like a new woman afterward.
Candles: You can pry my candle collection from my cold, dead hands. There’s something about finding the perfect scent for how I’m feeling or that matches the mood of a room that I love. I also love discovering small candle business via Etsy. They’re so creative with how their candles are packaged and what scents they create. (Ed. note: and she has an entire column about pairing candles with books because obviously!)
There’s one I love that does amazing dupes for popular perfumes or Lush bath and body scents.
Bath time: The Bitchery may have discussed this before but I take my baths very seriously, though I think Sarah is NOT a bath person.
(Sarah: Correct – I’m not a bath person because I get cold too easily.)
I will soak for hours at a time. Sometimes with a bath bomb. Sometimes with wine. Sometimes with a book. There are times when I’ve fallen asleep. I find it incredibly soothing to be submerged in hot water.
Claudia: This is a hard one for me as I feel I have no time whatsoever to take care of…well, just me. Someone else always comes first, usually one of the kids, and it gets to a point that even gardening feels like yet another thing to tick off my list.
Lately, though, I’ve been proudly sticking with a skin-care routine and I love seeing the results and having at least a few minutes of Me Time at the end of the day. For years, somewhat blessed by genetics, I shrugged off any beauty products and basically just washed my face, but then I developed adult acne and rosacea and had to pay more attention to my skin.
I think it helped that I went to a low-key beauty shop (I feel the frenetic Sephora-like atmosphere of some of the other shops are not for me) and felt comfortable with the people there. I still don’t go too crazy — I don’t think 10-step routines will ever be my jam — but it’s progress. One day maybe I’ll graduate to facials!
Elyse: One thing I do for myself, and for my fibro, is get a weekly massage. When I first started it felt really self-indulgent and expensive, but I’ve found that getting an hour-long deep tissue massage at the end of the week helps me keep my pain level down tremendously. It also relaxes me going into the weekend and helps me get rid of the stress I’m carrying from the work week.
I also knit, although to be honest, at this point it’s more like I acquire yarn frequently and knit sometimes. Knitting helps me get into a relaxed mental state, so I like to build some time into the end of my day to work on a project. Sometimes even just scrolling through patterns on Ravelry is relaxing. (Ed. note: I love scrolling through finished cross stitch projects on Reddit, too.)
Naps are another big self-care item for me. I’ve learned that getting enough sleep is isn’t being lazy or self-indulgent, it’s pretty critical to remaining functional. If I feel like I need a nap, I take one, even if that means delaying plans. My body is weird so I can get a great night’s sleep and still feel like I need a thirty minute nap after work. For me, being rested is hugely important to my well being.
Sneezy: It can be hard not to fall into the rut of feeling like the things that are supposed to be self care are either another mound of chores that I’ll never accomplish, or proof that I’m terribly selfish. It’s a work in progress, but when I stop judging myself, I like to work out, dance, and sing.
For workouts, I always do bodyweight exercises and whatever cardio can fit in the space I’m in. It’s much cheaper, and it becomes more about focusing on myself than trying to make an overpriced gym membership ‘worth it’. If I was a better person, maybe it’d be motivating.
I am not.
As for dance, I’m really into bachata and salsa.
I find salsa MUCH harder than bachata, but in both cases, I love the social aspect of it. If there’s enough Latin communities in a city, there’ll more than likely be really good dance spots. In Toronto, the places I went to offered free lessons before the night kicks off.
Pro tip – if you want to attend the lessons, but are worried about getting stuck with a creepy dude, the instructor usually makes everyone switch partners every so often. You can also just pair up with your friend, and trade off on being the lead and follow. Both roles are fun, and pro dancers need to learn both anyway. Which is why if someone tries to peddle some gender role bullshit at you, roll your eyes and scoot off to dance with someone else. If you can’t see the instructor, don’t be shy, come forward instead of letting yourself be squished into corners. Everyone behind you know just as much as you, and we’re all too busy remembering left from right to judge anyone!!!!!
Singing’s a great method for vocal healing. There are all kinds, and the one my tai chi teacher taught me was literally screaming and jumping and flailing around. That’s… not always an option, so instead I sing along to songs on youtube and imagine I’m Amy Lee.
If there’s a piano and enough privacy, I tinker around a bit, too.
Meditation and journaling are also big ones. They’re super effective…
…as long as I don’t start the rumination and guilt spiral for not doing them the ‘right’ way or as much as I think I ‘should.’ Journaling is additionally tricky, because I’m trying to kick the habit of rumination, and I need some rules, prompts, or an extra helping of mindfulness to stay out of the rabbit hole.
Does anyone else struggle with this?
Susan: In the last year I have been diagnosed with (and started treating) a Generalised Anxiety Disorder and ADHD, so I’ve spent the last month or so learning that this whole “relaxing” thing is actually real and not something my friends made up!
Like Sarah, I have to keep lists of my hobbies – which works out fairly well for me, because one of them is stationery. When I’ve done something difficult or stressful, my reward is usually a new notebook!
Don’t ask me how many unused notebooks I have in my house; I’m trying not to think about the answer.
I also knit, crochet and bake! If you ever need someone to crochet wonky sharks, narwhals, and Totoros as an excuse to watch trashy action movies, I’m your girl! Yes, the trashy movies are an essential part of this process; I love them, I find them incredibly soothing, but I still can’t watch them without having something to do with my hands!
Aarya: This answer sounds incredibly basic, but sleep. I recently graduated from college, and it wasn’t until after graduation that I realized just how terrible and damaging my irregular sleep schedule was. I’d go to class/work, come home and nap for a few hours, wake up and hang out with friends while reading, and finally work until 5 am to finish assignments. I’d be so tired some mornings that I’d doze off in class, thus completely defeating the purpose of why I was even there! In retrospect, I overloaded my schedule and took on too many things at once. I completed all my tasks, but I was deeply miserable because I was never awake enough to enjoy life.
Now that my schedule isn’t as hectic, the greatest gift I can give myself is to sleep nine hours every night. The temptation to read until 2 am is there, but I’m becoming better about giving my body rest. It’s changed my life dramatically: by allowing my body to relax consistently every night, I’m happier in the hours that I’m awake. A small thing, but I think it’s something that many of us don’t pay attention to. Never compromise on sleep.
Some less important things, but ones that make me happy nonetheless:
Ice cream: Strawberry Häagen-Dazs, to be more precise. My favorite ice cream flavor and brand. Not every day, but indulging a couple times a week is so worth it.
The mini-crosswords in the NYT crossword app. I have a subscription just so I can do the minis (often 5×5 squares and larger on Saturdays). To be honest, I’m not smart enough to do a full crossword by myself (I’ve tried and failed miserably). But I’d like to successfully finish a Monday crossword one day, and practice makes perfect. The minis are a terrific way to 1) improve my crossword skills and 2) make me feel smart. LOL. It gets discouraging when I can’t finish a full Monday crossword without using the check feature. The minis are short, fun, and a great ego boost.
Bath bombs and long tub baths. I don’t read in tubs, but I will listen to podcasts and soak for hours. I currently have a bath bomb named “romance” and it’s a “combination of sweet strawberries, ripe raspberries, citrus peel and sparkling pink moscato.” I love browsing bath bomb flavors and selecting unique combinations.
Walking around the city and peering at cats in windows. Okay, this is a strange one. But I live in a neighborhood where there are a LOT of cats staring at you through the window. I love saying hi to all the cats on my daily walks, mostly because I don’t have a pet and this is my attempt to experience pet ownership vicariously. I may or may not have an entire album saved on my phone.
Here’s a kitty from a recent walk. I remember because this baby didn’t scare easy. Normally cats take one look at me and scamper back to safety. This one refused to look away and won our staring contest.
Tara: Mine change periodically, but the one consistent one for the last 5 years or so is that I take a shower as soon as I get home from work. It’s like a signal to my brain that I’m stepping away from my day job and back into the rest of my life. It also ensures I take my makeup off every day, which always feels amazing, especially since I recently found the “Like a Virgin” naked cold cream from Lush. It makes my face feel and smell amazing, while stripping off every bit of the toughest liquid eyeliners.
Frequent haircuts is another big one for me. Until a couple of years ago, I had long hair that I didn’t hate, but didn’t love either. I’d cut it once every six or nine months, and otherwise it was mostly thrown up into a ponytail or the very laziest of buns. As soon as I cut it, I started to love the way I looked WAY more than before. Now I keep it in a pretty distinctive style that means I have to get it cut every four weeks, and that hour is a glorious one where I sit back, chat with my stylist, and don’t have to be a mom, wife, or employee.
Although it’s more of a temporary one, this year I started a big tattoo project, so that I’m getting sleeves on both of my arms. I’m nearly done my left arm and going every month or two, spending four to five hours at a time with the raddest artist ever has been so good. Again, it’s a step away from my life, a chance for conversation and getting to know someone else, and it’s the biggest birthday gift I’ve ever done for myself. I can’t wait to see what my tattooer does with the other arm.
The other nice thing that I rediscovered this year was a home yoga practice. I was tired of getting sore from desk work and my therapist suggested taking up exercise to help with my anxiety. I got started with videos from the Yoga with Adriene YouTube channel and fell totally in love. My anxiety got WAY more manageable, my muscle tone came back, and my posture got a lot better. I’m currently taking a break thanks to an unrelated injury, but as soon as I’m done with physio, I’m super excited to get back into it.
Shana: It’s telling that I found this question so challenging, since reading is definitely my go-to for self care.
Playing music: I do love playing piano. I’m not particularly good, but I have a collection of classical pieces that I’ve been playing since I was an emo teenager working out my feelings by pounding the score to the movie The Piano. I find it super-duper relaxing to roll around in music that I know so well. I also like to have a pile of new-to-me music that I can repetitively practice if I need a distraction from a stressful news day.
Restorative Yoga and Yoga Nidra: Basically these are like the yoga-version of taking a warm bath and then a nap. It forces me to do nothing for an hour but be extremely comfortable, usually under a cozy blanket. You only do a handful of supported positions at most—all laying down—and the goal is to put in the least amount of effort possible. No stretching, no strengthening, just blissful chilling.
Lara Diane: I’m in a less than awesome space at the moment (a swing towards depression on my bipolar roundabout) and finding it hard to be kind to myself. Mostly because being kind takes energy. My spoon count is real low. One way that I can escape from the general noise of life is sewing. I dream up patterns, work on projects or stitch hexies. This gets my mind in neutral and my thoughts/feelings going in a whole new direction.
And if I need an instant boost of You’ve Got This™ then I get a gel manicure. My nail tech is basically a psychic: she chooses the colours, shape, etc., performs her magic and manages to make me feel like Beyonce when I walk out of the salon. During my latest manicure, she prescribed the “new attorney” colour – a colour she chooses for her newly-admitted-to-the-bar clients so when they’re in court, they have a reminder that they’ve got this. Each time I catch sight of my nails, I have that very happy thought.
Ellen: I actually have too many hobbies so sometimes when I have a window of time to relax at home I get choice paralysis and get stressed about using my time for MAXIMUM RELAXATION and PERSONAL FULFILLMENT, which is, uh, a lot of pressure and does not help me relax!! SILLY BRAIN. So I try to have at least some forms of relaxation that are just built into my day and/or scheduled in advance. Here are a few relaxing things I’ve been leaning into lately.
Skincare: While I have a few old standbys that I use all the time, I also really love to try new skincare products. I love K-beauty and indie skincare, especially masks, serums, and ampoules. I find the more attention I give my skin beyond just face wash + moisturizer, the better my skin looks and feels. It’s a nice ritual to do a couple extra steps on my face as I’m getting ready for bed and it makes me feel pampered.
Dance class: I recently joined ClassPass, mostly because my local yoga studio is on it and it’s actually cheaper per-class via credits than it is to get a punch card. This means I can also try a bunch of other group fitness options, including dance classes! I recently discovered a K-pop dance class where they teach the choreography from K-pop music videos and I’m PUMPED to keep going. Plus when I schedule a class I always go because I am not about to pay a late cancellation fee.
Video games: When I want to disengage from the world but want to engage in more thinking than I do while reading, I play video games. I love visual novels and puzzle games, but my absolute favorite game franchises are Fire Emblem and Animal Crossing.
Fire Emblem is a tactical role-playing game where you command a fantasy army that also involves romance and matchmaking. Which is truly an ideal combination for me because I want to make war AND love. Animal Crossing is hard to describe but basically you are a person in a town full of animal people and you can do various things to make money and upgrade your house and make your town have more amenities.
What about you? What’s on your list? What do you do to look after yourself with kindness?
I don’t have anything scheduled exactly beyond when I need it, but I do have a couple things I do to destress
1. Every now and then I go and get pedicures with my mother-in-law. We’re both really busy so we can’t get them often, but when we do it’s a treat. It’s also a way for us to bound and get some girl time which is nice when my own mom and sister live far away.
2. My husband and I have dinner and cocktail nights for fun a few times a week. How gourmet these dinners are depends on the budget for the week , but we’ve cooked everything from basic things like patty melts to more adventurous meals like homemade sushi. My husband is a fantastic cook, so he does most of the meal prep but I won’t just make a cocktail, I’ll find one that pairs well with the meal he makes. The meals are basically how we travel when we can’t afford an actual vacation.
3. Lastly when my anxiety reaches a fever pitch and I can’t stop myself from spiraling I have a journal to write out exactly what’s worrying me which helps me at least stop the spiral, especially since this often happens at night when I would much rather be sleeping.
My (now adult) kids like to remind me of the time my husband suggested I take care of some task in my spare time and I responded, “I don’t have any spare time. Everything I do is to free up more time for reading.” But if we simply stipulate that reading is always my first and primary relaxation and self-care activity, then my next three would be:
Twice-monthly manicures (with pedicures thrown in during the summer months—when school’s in session, I have to wear closed-toed shoes). I love getting my nails taken care of and keeping them in a nice oval shape. I usually choose a color on the purple/lavender/lilac scale.
Cooking: I find cooking tremendously relaxing, there’s something so soothing about assembling and preparing all the ingredients and gradually seeing this mound of various foodstuffs become a cohesive meal. My children have done me the honor of calling my lasagne “the world’s greatest” (the secret is freshly-crushed fennel seeds and lots of black pepper); although when one child remarked during her childhood that it was, “Even better than Olive Garden’s,” that did seem to lower the bar somewhat.
Listening to music: I love EDM—to me it’s the natural progression of the evolution of Disco (my ne plus ultra of musical stylings); and I don’t think that it’s a coincidence that SiriusXM has the three EDM stations and the Disco station next to each other. After a tiring day, I’ll come home, put my feet up, slip in the earbuds, and float away on some favorite “EDM chill.”
I’ve been actively avoiding most things I might enjoy because I expect my acute state of misery to ruin them. As you might imagine, complete deprivation of potential enjoyment isn’t helping to alleviate the acute misery, but I’m desperately clinging to the fantasy that I’m still capable of enjoying something and can’t afford right now to find out otherwise, so bad compromises must be made.
The one thing I allow myself to do that I enjoy doing (not so much the aftermath) is baking. The ACT of it satisfies several spheres (this part is science, this part is creativity, this part is manual labor, etc.). I’m uncharacteristically willing to try new things and fail in the single realm of baked goods. I made macarons this year and was perfectly happy that only half of them came out pretty, and I finally got into sourdough, which has been A PROJECT. It’s kind of cheating at “self-care” because it’s productive, and I occasionally ruin it by monetizing it. On the plus side, I can’t feel guilty about doing something for myself thanks to being trapped in a nonsupportive environment where anything that takes more than five minutes to make is a waste of time, people who’ve never cooked anything more difficult than toast tell me I’m doing everything wrong, and anything that doesn’t come out master level the first time I do it means I’ve failed at life.
LOL. My “self-care” is working while everyone else is asleep and hiding the results, like I’m cooking meth or something equally illicit. Good times, good times.
I exercise. I meet with my trainer or sign up for classes that require a reserved seat. By having someone wait for me, it forces me to go and be on time. I’m very good at taking care of my family but I’m crap when it comes to basic care for myself. On days I workout, I end up eating 3 meals, drink water, and sleep 8 hours.
I also see a chiropractor who keeps me balanced and is actively working to adjust my body back to neutral after having 3 kids.
I try to schedule monthly massages and facials. Sometimes I get them and sometimes I don’t. It’s still 100% better when I used to never make time for any self care.
This is really inspiring! My list:
Reading obviously
Yoga
Journaling (ok it’s more like “planner doodling”)
Doing my nails
British murder mysteries
Taking a walk (preferably in a forest so sadly not as therapeutic now that I live in a city and the whole “getting away from people” aspect isn’t there anymore, but still nice)
This is such a great question, and I’m looking forward to reading all the responses! I’ve been trying really hard to be kinder to myself, so here are some of the things that have worked for me that I haven’t seen mentioned previously, although pedicures, working out, and enough sleep (game-changer, y’all):
A strict media/social media diet:
I’m lucky enough to be in a point in my life and a career where I don’t have to follow the news every day, so I don’t. I don’t have cable, and my social media feeds are curated extensively so I’m not inundated with everything terrible happening in the world constantly. I find that restricting myself to looking at the headlines in my daily (left-wing and not at all tabloid) paper does wonders for my mental health.
I can’t recommend the book Digital Minimalism by Cal Newport enough – it changed the way I think about social media. I’m a lot more intentional in how I use it now and it’s made a huge, huge difference to my mental and emotional health.
Writing fanfic:
I have several ongoing projects, many of which are middle fingers to canon (looking at you, JKR) and both the act of writing and being able to tell stories set in a world I love with characters and plot lines that don’t make me want to set them on fire is amazing.
Actively practising kindness and joy:
One of the ways I take care of myself, especially post encounters with negative people (like, say, certain members of my family) is to take a deep breath and say, out loud, ‘No. I am not going to be negative.’ I’ve found that identifying the temptation to fall into a negative spiral and going all Gandalf ‘YOU SHALL NOT PASS’ at it really, really works to stop it in its tracks and prevents the rest of my day being ruined.
Another knitter here – it is so meditative and portable! It also involves problem/puzzle solving skills that have real-world results, and make me feel like a rockstar wearing a sweater I built one stitch at a time. Equally important, it helps me justify my ridiculous amounts of couch time (like Susan I love trashy movies in the background – two certain action ones even played a part when recalling an unexpected knitting/food coincidence on ravelry: https://www.ravelry.com/projects/drewbird/laar ).
I am also trying to get into embroidery and watercoloring, but some days motivation for those is hard to find – I really struggle with the “if I am not going to do it right, why do it at all?” In knitting I can rip and fix… with embroidery it is a little harder though doable if the threads are not knotted or tangled in the back, but with watercolor almost impossible at my current skill level.
Lastly I swim – if there are no other options I will do the overly-hot chlorine box with my swimming mp3 player, but my preference is open water. I can just go for a mile or more and not become a human ping-pong, and it is so much more elemental and grounding. Surrounded by water this one is alternately meditative (stroke, stroke, stroke), and mentally challenging (wind! chop! trying to figure out where I am going, occasionally trying to draw a picture with my GPS track…), I can’t recommend swimming enough. For an introvert too it is great! Even with friends interaction is limited – all the group camaraderie with very little pressure for conversation 😉
It really helps me to work out. As I’ve gotten older, there are some things I can’t do anymore because it stresses my joints too much, but I do weight classes and light cardio at my Y. I will take water aerobics there when I can, but work has interfere with that.
I try to get to hot yoga each week, which feels awesome on my hips and lower back.
What a great discussion topic! For me, I had to think a little bit to separate out the “stuff I do for fun” from the “stuff I do for self-care” even though there is a lot of overlap. These are the three things I thought of first, before reading everyone else’s comments and going, “Oh yeah, that too, mm-hmmm”:
1) Snuggling with my cats. There is just nothing quite like a cat that has decided to curl up on you and purr in contentment that they get to share time and space with their favorite person. It’s very relaxing to me, and sometimes very helpful to just focus on the here and now of petting my cat and keeping the “motor” running. One of my cats is currently disdainfully ignoring her cancer, and sometimes it’s nice to take extra time out of my day to massage her and make her feel extra good. It makes me feel good and relaxed to do that for her.
2) Sleep. I suffer from insomnia and currently take medication for it that works to varying degrees depending on my hormone levels. When I went to an insomnia specialist, she asked me about what time I went to sleep and woke up. I told her my sleep time and then said that I tried to get up at so-and-so time, but had a hard time of it so tended to actually get up 30 minutes later. She asked me why I was trying to get up earlier and I told her so that I could get more done in the morning before I went to work. And she told me, “No. Sleep is the most important thing you need right now.” And that really helped me to adjust my thinking about what was important for me. Sometimes when I go to bed and am setting my alarm clock, I think about all the stuff I want to try to get done in the morning, but then think about how tired I am and instead set a later wake time and tell myself I’m doing what’s most important for me. Most chores can always wait until later.
3) Eating out. We hardly ever ate out when I was a kid except as a special occasion, so as an adult it was hard for me to “let myself” eat out without feeling like I was cheating at my job of providing good food for myself without “wasting” my money. I eventually reached a point where I actually set a goal for myself to eat out MORE, since intellectually I knew I was at a point where the occasional meal out wouldn’t have any kind of meaningful impact on my finances. I’m not a foodie – I don’t tend to “explore” menus or restaurants. For me, it’s about being able to have a decent-tasting meal that I didn’t have to cook or clean up after, and it helps plug in the gaps when I’m tired and have no idea what to make for dinner that night. Sometimes McDonald’s fits the bill just fine. It was sometimes hard to let go of the guilt, but at this point I’m better able to say, “Screw it, I’m letting someone else make my meal for me tonight. Yay!”
Even though sometimes it feels outside of my budget I also make sure to enroll in my bellydance class every session. It’s a female positive place, and I love my classmates plus it’s a great way to connect with people outside of my work.
I also make myself walk my dogs every day. Yes, they need the exercise, but getting myself out of the house and moving (even at 5AM) can get me ready for the day and more focused. I also go on a run after walking the dogs on Sunday mornings to get my endorphins going.
I have to pile onto the naps/sleep thing! I don’t get enough sleep during the week since I have to get up at 4:30 to walk the dogs and get to work by 7. On weekends I let myself enjoy being in bed and just rest if I need or want to rest regardless of whether it’s best for my weekly sleep schedule. It helps me recharge before Monday rolls around.
My favorite self-care maneuver is playing solitaire on my iPad while listening to K Pop before bed. The meditative side of solitaire and the energy of K Pop helps me wind down. “the ReVe Festival -Day 1” by Red Velvet is 20 minutes long, which is perfect.
I learned how to easily amuse myself due to growing up in the country with only my sister as a playmate. We often grew tired of looking at one another. My mom got exasperated when I complained about having no real playmates, so she told me that I have to make my own good times. Thanks to that advice I live a very rich interior life.
I recently rewatched “True Lies.” Strangely (worryingly?), I was not scared by the scene where Jamie Lee Curtis is forced to dance. I asked myself, “Self, what is your go to maneuver, nee routine, if asked to dance for a menacing entity?” I was stumped. So I started to think about songs and moves, but I have yet to make it through a song without cackling. As always, I continue to be a work in progress. 🙂
This is a great topic and I’ve loved reading about what the Bitchery does to relax/unwind/refill the well, I’m taking notes to add to my list! (fellow listmaker here…the act of making lists cab be so soothing for me, I consider it part of self care)
I hit the gym 5 mornings a week, and that sense of routine is comforting, as well as the benefits to my overall sense of well-being, helping improve my strength, endurance, flexibility – stretching out my sore cramped sitting too long for too often body.
Walking the dog while listening to an audiobook – it’s a nice slice of time each day to get some fresh air and keep up with reading even when I don’t have time to sit with my eyeballs on a page.
Meeting up with friends for a drink (be it tea/coffee or wine/cocktails) – I really need to do this more often, spending some time connecting with friends and hanging out face to face is such a mood booster, this thread is encouraging me to try and schedule more regular dates.
This thread has also reminded me that I need to do more to form better sleep habits – I keep saying I’ll make it a priority, but then don’t – and I know lack of sleep is taking its toll on many parts of my health/well-being… so SLEEP is going to the top of my self-care list!
What an interesting topic. I’ve been enjoying all the responses.
In addition to reading books, I visit this site and several others almost every day.
Recently I’ve begun playing Mah-jongg for my health. That doesn’t make much sense until you learn that I play at the Adult Center which is about two miles away; I’m now walking there twice a week (a friend gives me a ride home). I still have a lot to learn, but I think I’m doing pretty well for a beginner.
I attend a monthly book group where I enjoy the company of a convivial group of women while discussing a book that is outside my usual reading pattern. I also attend a monthly art group.
A lot of the above I relate to — Baths (I finally got the tub in my new house clean enough – the floor refinishers had poured stain down it before I moved in, took me a solid year of weekly Soft Scrub), walks, extra sleep. Some others:
I have taken to putting really zen music in my car CD. It helps clear my head on the way to work, so I’m not stressing about everything I need to do once I get there, and on the way home it’s my way of destressing and putting the workday behind me. Kitaro, Mike Oldfield and Yanni are my usual go-tos.
Doing puzzles or games. If I’m feeling stressed at work I’ll take a few minutes at https://games.washingtonpost.com/category/allgames/ I can do a Daily Crossword in 10-15 minutes, and easy Sudoku in less than 5 minutes or a Medium in less than 10. It resets my brain and clears the leftover emotional debris so I can proceed to the next call. I also like Word Wipe, 10×10, Bubble Dragons and basic Mahjjong.
Tai Chi has done wonders for me both physically and mentally. I had to quit my class when I moved because I couldn’t afford it anymore but I still practice daily. It’s very calming and also works all the tension out of my muscles.
Reading (and not just romance, but also webcomics, fanfic, you name it) and writing. Even if I never sell anything, it’s helpful for me to turn into someone else periodically. I had one difficult year in college when I wasn’t able to escape through my trap door into writing, and it precipitated my first major breakdown. So now I make time for it on a regular basis.
Funny how romance readers can be so diverse and yet so very much the same. Maybe it is our love of the HEA. I like to have a routine massage, practice tai chi and yoga, as well as play the piano when I need self-care. I can reach a zen-like feeling doing any of those.
1. I need that polish color. Gimme names!
2. Knitting. For all the above reasons, but also when I’m in a squidgy i-am-one-with-my-couch state, knitting can be a transition from spirtually bonding with my pillows (i have 27 on my couch and all are important) and doing something more productive.
3. Clean. I hates it. But messy house = messy feelings.
4. I got an undercut and candy red hair, currently healing a cartilidge piercing. Feeling a lot closer to the Elder!Queers I’ve always looked up to.
5. All my friends have busy lives and diverse schedules, so if I send some love out via text I get them back at random, unpredictable times.
@Ren Benton your first paragraph is me most days. It’s so rare lately that I feel good enough to, say, enjoy a favorite fanvid. Let alone watch my favorite shows… Even when I have the right headspace, I don’t have the time/space to properly enjoy them anyway.
Besides my regular book readin’, fanfic late at night and basically zoning out is one of the few things that gives me a little reset. It’s not GOOD though, because it throws my already bad sleeping out of whack. I function best on 8.5-9 hours of sleep and I currently get between 5.5 and 6.5, plus a short nap some days. Napping is bad for me, too, so I have to perfect juuuust dozing off. I tend to go whether I like it or not at about 9:30, so I miss the second half of a lot of tv shows these days.
I think my favorite thing is just rearranging my stuff. Putting new art on my walls and shelves, or changing around what’s there, moving or adding/subtracting collectables and nicknacks (not just funkopops…but a lot of funkopops) from display. If I don’t go TOO far with it, it makes my room feel refreshed and better suited to my current mood. And of course reorganizing my books and blurays/dvds is also covered under this. Also, dusting–which is good for a lot of reasons.
The only thing is I rarely have time for any of this, b/c I tend to want to work on it for an hour and a half to two hours or longer. It can get head-spinning, but I HATE having to stop after like a half hour (I rarely CAN and end up late for medicating a pet or whatever.)
Listening to music is good, too. I tend to stop sometimes, when I’m feeling to dead inside for it to matter. I just have to remember to go back to it when it might HELP rather than my mood just ruining it.
If I could make an appointment for the weather to be nice, I would. Today for instance has been so lovely I feel like a whole different person and so much more able to deal with things, to even just think properly. I can’t deal with the blazing summers and the endless hum of air conditioners. Of course, the dead dark of winter is depressing as well as mind numbing, so it feels like there’s rarely any time to enjoy at all.
Y’all have lots of good stuff here, but most if I can’t afford time for or just don’t have the energy for. (And some things I WOULD never do, to be fair.)
But basically, I think anything where your brain gets to do something else other than work and worry–something NEW or creative–and your hands get to make something or your body gets to become stronger–are the thing. I can’t do much of it these days, but I do try to get in at least a few minutes every weekend so I don’t burn out right away on Monday. And thankfully lately I’ve been blessed with a few days where my pets are all doing well. (This was a rough week with both my girls needing nursing, but today they are both at least a little better. So it’s a good day, and I’m going to go clean some stuff, whee!!)
Oh, and I highly second the recommendation of getting off/limiting social media and news! I haven’t been coping WELL of late, but I would be SO MUCH worse if I hadn’t quit going on twitter and started avoiding the news as much as I can. Sometimes a break is just the thing. (My sympathy however for anyone else who has family members who feel the need to talk about all that all the time–including all the offensive comments they read on insta or the daily twitter outrage. I am finding new ways nearly every day to lightly and calmly engage, or to politely and gently say I’m avoiding all that. It’s hard, though.)
I love this topic.
1-Going for walks and playing Pokemon Go, which has added a little bit of structure to my walks. I’ve always loved walking and for me, its something that gets me out of my apartment and into the world.
2-Reading, but the true indulgence is going to a cafe or the library, I love the Central Boston Public Library so much and just reading as if time doesn’t matter.
3-Writing fanfic, though that comes in waves of sometimes I’m full of ideas. At the moment, I’m in a slow point where the ideas are there but the words are coming more slowly.
4-Meeting with friends or volunteering, just being social. I’m currently between jobs and I’ve really been missing the social atmosphere of my last job. So I need to work to find that social connection. One of the things I do is volunteer every other month at the BPL booksale. Which reminds me, for anyone in the Boston area, the Harvard Bookstore is doing a romance panel on August 17th with Loretta Chase, Satin Russell, Ceclia Tan and Kerry Winfrey.
5-Cooking and baking, sometimes the planning for it will feel like work but I always end up feeling satisfied and I’ve made something delicious.
Probably one of the nicer things I’ve done for myself reasonably recently was that I was upfront with my ARNP about the fact that I thought I needed an antidepressant. So she gave me one, and it has been helpful.
The various other things that I do for myself include going to a sit-down restaurant BY MYSELF and reading my book for lunch. I always love that pause from the host as I go, “Nope, just me”. When it comes to working out, I have found that I really enjoy my time on the elliptical when I include a good TV show, which of late has meant watching Lucifer at the gym. I also love doing zumba, because an hour dancing around to Latin music goes by a lot faster than an hour on a cardio machine. I love my cross-stitching, and can kill a lot of time perusing the patterns on etsy and Pinterest.
I’m really bad about self-care; I never seem to put myself first. But I do splurge on Philosophy products and use them daily.
What a great post. (heart)
Some of the ways I try to help maintain a healthy and happy Anna the Piper overlap with stuff I see described here, but here are a few of mine:
1) Gym workouts as well as biking to work. Gym workouts are my main place where I listen to the SBTB podcast, in fact! But biking is also very soothing to me, as it’s an hour of me time as I commute to work. And as most of my commute is on our local trails, I get some fresh air and nice scenery to boot.
2) Playing music, definitely. Current primary instruments are winds and the fiddle I’m taking lessons on. But every so often I pull out my guitar and play along with one of the Great Big Sea DVDs I own because _damn_ I miss those guys. It’s quite the workout to try to keep up with them on guitar while they’re belting out Mari-Mac on the Great Big DVD. 😀
3) I love working nonograms, a.k.a. Japanese crosswords. You get a grid of squares you need to fill in to make a picture, and I really love working the big ones. My current favorite nonogram app on my iPad is Nonograms Katana, but I am also very fond of CrossMe.
4) Count me in on Team Bath. A long hot soak is one of my go-to methods of relaxing, particularly if I’ve had a really bad day or if I’m in pain for some reason.
5) Massages and chiropractic care are also important to me. After I had reconstruction surgery from breast cancer about ten years ago, my back still needs regular love and care to keep it as limber and pain-free as possible. Plus, I am a computer professional as well as a writer, so I need regular chiro care to keep my arms in good shape. I NEED these arms. I gotta type with them AND play instruments with them!
Fibromyalgia gifted me with anxiety and occasional depression. Taking an anti depressant is a necessity. Being honest with myself that I do need it makes life easier.
Clothes that are not fussy are another way to cut stress and care for myself.
Napping when I can or telling the kids tonight is cereal or make your own sandwich night are also ways to down on stress for me.
Finally reading or audible is a daily comfort. Whether it’s a Joyce Meyer devotional or an Eloisa James historical that time is Sacred. I make sure I’m ok spirit wise and that makes a difference.
I share a lot of these (on a prof’l discussion group we were asked what we read to help us cope with the stress of our job and I said “I read fanfic.” ) So reading is my number one. I used medical marijuana for my PTSD and Crohns. Kpop is pretty critical (I had discs replaced in my spine and the lead up to that was horrible pain, disassociation, and a band called BigBang.) One of the more unusual things I like to do is frog yarn projects. I find it SOOOO relaxing. And then you can recycle the yarn. And seeing my bestie on the regular is really important. Going on any kind of trip with her is the bestt.
1. I do my nails to cheer myself up and make myself feel put together. It takes exactly one Marina & the Diamonds cd, I sing and enjoy seeing the color go on smoothly.
2. This is more in the moment but I say no. Sometimes I have to remind myself to say no – even if it’s something I would enjoy. If I already gave myself permission to decline I don’t have to feel guilty (or whatever mix of emotions us overthinking people pleasers will come up with) for considering “do I even want to do this?”.
3. Clean up SLOWLY. Like, puttering slowly. I have the cart before the horse right now so I like being all, “No, SCREW this email, I’m going to clear out that corner of the room because looking at it bums me the hell out” feels really good. Also, I have this thing where cleaning = organization = efficiency = fast! Do it fast! Feel stressed out! Run around! I forgot the filing cabinet is near the storage closet, I could have brought the papers over when I went to put away the dust pan! I am a bad person! Like girl…calm down.
4. Butter up my pets. You know when you babytalk them and they get all :3
5. Journaling. I call it pen therapy. Sometimes I need to take 10 minutes and dump what’s on my mind, often it’s just my to do list for a sandbox videogame but it always makes me feel so much happier.
I love to make things and this year I’ve been sewing a lot of clothes for myself. I work with wool… spinning, weaving, knitting etc. Sometimes I set up a big jigsaw puzzle on the table and take months to complete it. I enjoy reading romances (duh). I go to the gym a couple of times a week and ride my bike occasionally. I have a nice set of friends and I like to catch up with them every now and then. I’m working on becoming a proficient curry cook. I’d like to have more ‘date nights’ with my partner so I’m currently hatching some plans.
I will soak my feet in a basin of warm water and Epsom salts or Johnson’s foot soap for about 20 minutes before bed, then trim my nails and buff off calluses (mini pedicure) and slather my feet with moisturizer (sometimes Vaseline and sometimes Foot Rescue from the Body Shop), then put on clean sock and go to bed early. I am not a bath person, but I find this little routine very relaxing and it is good for your feet too! I try to do this at least once/month but I find that it is a good way to relax especially if I have done a lot of walking.
[…] Discussion Question: What kind and caring things do you do for yourself? […]
Interesting how many have mentioned fan-fic. One of my sisters-in-law reads television series fan-fic as part of her self-care and stress relief.
My self-care must is salon-quality hair products. I get regular haircuts and buy the good stuff at the salon or Ulta now that I can finally afford them after years of discount hair care.
I work from home and have learned over the years that I need to get “off the farm” from time to time for a change of scenery and to interact with live humans beyond family, neighbors, and delivery people.
I joined a formal garden club in response to a challenge I made to myself to get out more. Learning about and doing floral design has become one of my self-care routines, beyond gardening and reading. Going to meetings and competitions, shopping for supplies, and researching designs are relaxing and searching out flowers and vases gets me out and about. Designing the flower arrangements is creative and figuring out the mechanics of the design is engineering for me, not a client. I’m no longer a novice competitor, but the cool thing is I compete against myself and the rules. I’ve met some lovely women at the garden club while eating cucumber sandwiches (there are always cucumber sandwiches) and have widened my circle of gardener friends.
Adulting. Sounds weird but I saw something to this effect on Instagram and it stuck. I’m in recovery and spent a number of years numbing/checking out of my own life. Recovery means facing life head on with all of its highs and lows. Self care to me will always include reading, yoga and exercise (I am a nightmare without some movement). But it also means doing things that keep me checked in. Like cleaning the counters at night because it makes the mornings easier. Like opening my bank statements and managing my finances. Like doing my laundry and then – get this – actually putting it away. The cup filling that comes from showing up in my life is beyond epic.
@Chillyjen: This is so beautifully said, “The cup filling that comes from showing up in my life is beyond epic.” YES! Being kind to my future self because my self in any direction is worth being kind to is a big deal. So well said.
First of all I love this topic!
1) I love k-beauty so taking care of my skin. Doing an extra cleanse or a face mask or simply browsing new products
2) Working out. Sometimes when I’m in a depressive funk its super hard to get out there but I’m always glad that I did. Over the last year and a half I’ve found my “why” for exercising regularly as opposed to just a “should”. It makes me feel amazing and strong. Part of this is discovering weight lifting but also trying to run outdoors more because I need natural light
3) Making time to hang out with my two PhD besties, even if its just a quick coffee and some time spent on a bench
This is an excellent topic!
It’s a given that reading is my first method of self-care. Romances are great for that, but also humor (“Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”!) & poetry (favorite poem: Kipling’s “The Thousandth Man”).
Everything else below gets chosen depending on the type of self-care I need.
Playing the piano. I’m an enthusiastic amateur at this point in my life, but there’s something about both banging away on the keys, & focusing on the music, that helps. Chopin for stormy emotions, Bach when I need inner peace, hymns when I need to feel soothed, show tunes when I’m feeling nostalgic. It’s best when I need to let out a lot of emotion.
Writing. I’ve kept a journal for years; it really does help, & the act of putting pen to paper rather than typing seems to be part of the soothing routine.
Gaming. That may sound odd, but logging onto WoW to kill things is sometimes the best way to go. Especially after a day dealing with idiotic &/or overbearing colleagues.
I’m a little late to the discussion, but here goes:
1. I get monthly massages at Massage Envy. They’re really good and relaxing—a few times I’ve early fallen asleep on the table.
2. Once a month, I have friends over to watch a musical. We do this every second Saturday of the month and while it adds cleaning to my schedule, it is so much fun. This month, we watched the 1997 Cinderella with Brandy and Whitney Houston. It is so 90’s. Next month will be Grease (for obvious reasons)
3. Every third Saturday, my friends and I get together for karaoke at a local bar. This month’s karaoke night falls on the 50th anniversary of Woodstock, so we added that as an optional theme. I’ve spent the last several days practicing White Rabbit, so I hopefully get the rhythm right.
4. I joined Cinemark movie club (movie tickets for $8.99!) and try to see at least a movie a month. So far I’ve used it to see Captain Marvel, Avengers Endgame, and Spiderman (twice). This month, instead of using a pass, my friend invited me to a free preview of Blinded by the Light, which was really good and featured some great Springsteen music. Even though I am neither Pakistani nor Muslim, I really related to that kid.
5. Music/singing. Next month, my chorus starts up again. We meet every Tuesday night for rehearsal and perform in 2 concerts a year.
Thank you for this post, it’s perfect timing with school starting this week. I’ve been focused on my tiny human even more than usual and putting my own needs last. This was a great reminder to “put on your oxygen mask first before helping others”.
Loved reading everyone’s responses! Take care of your lovely self, y’all ♡
I cross stitch also. I’ve been obsessive about it for the past couple of months – avoiding the news because so necessary and when you are cross stitching you can’t flip from one site to another on your iPad. And now with a bad diagnosis for my mother I am trying to think about cross stitch any time my mind isn’t occupied with work or the kids.
Definitely skincare for me. It’s not always the cheapest of self care habits, but I’m attempting to convince myself that I’m worth investing in that way. I have a…not great history with my reflection, so doing a routine every morning and night is a way to make myself look in the mirror (without glasses, so I’m blurry, but it’s a start) and be kind. And honestly if it’s packaged cute enough or smells good I will probably put anything on my face, so it’s fun to play around with new products.
Language learning. After I stopped writing fiction, I decided that I would try to learn a language just for fun, for no “practical” reason. I got Rosetta Stone and I just give it about a half hour a day–it’s really cool to be able to note my progress. Because there’s definitely lessons where I’m like “wow I will NEVER be able to say that/learn that” and then within a week or so it’s like oh…got that down. I’m even up to reading children’s books now. Still too nervous to actually talk to native speakers but hey, I can barely speak to people in English so, baby steps.
I shop way too much because late capitalism is a disease and I was brought up on retail therapy but hey…sometimes shopping is the best way to turn off my brain.
And I have a couple of curated Youtube playlists for dance/Kpop/melancholy Lana del Rey songs that I fall back on when I need them.
Reading, which is a given.
Art/adult coloring. I prefer the books published by Design Originals because they’re less intricate. Especially the ones by Jess Volinski and Thaneeya McArdle. I like Jess Volinski’s cute artwork and wish I could get all of her books.
YouTube. I admit to watching ASMR. (The sound videos more than the role-playing ones, but I don’t judge.) Certain sounds relax me. ASMR has also greatly helped with the ringing in my ears.
I’ve also been obsessed with Snow Dogs Vlogs/Gone To The Snow Dogs channels over the past couple of months. I love their huskies, but also the travel vlogs on their vlogging channel, since I’ve been slowly losing my mobility these past two years and can’t go for walks and hikes.
Fandoms. I don’t know how I would have held onto my sanity for the past five years if it weren’t for my fandoms. Though except for here, I don’t engage much in the online fanbase aspect of fandom. Too much in-fighting.
Btw, if you’re into anything sci-fi related, you should check out the She-Fi: ladies who love sci-fi group on Facebook. It’s a great, open-minded group.
Finally, I play Sims 2. I like to design houses, restaurants, clubs, and all of that. Not to mention creating my own little characters and deciding who they’re going to end up with. The real world might be chaotic, but I enjoy designing and having control over my own.
I can’t belive I didn’t mention Tea when I posted earlier.
I have highly curated tea library and it’s an amazing resource for self care. I have fandom teas from adagio, specialty blends from indie tea shops, single estate heirloom varieties, grocery store classics, etc. Some have memories, like tea bought with bestie while waiting for takeout in the weirdly awesome town of Fredrick, MD. Or the adagio fandom teas that got me through my first graduate lecture classes.
I also have adhd and weird reactions to medication (I failed an art assignment on them. ART.) so low doses of caffeine throughout the day is how I self-medicate.
But mostly it’s that I have the variety of flavors and experiences I can choose. A peaty assam for getting shit done. A fruity green iced for reading outside. Apple chais for autumn and rose blossoms spring. It’s a low-effort way to have luxury and hedonism no matter what else is going on. I’m 3 minutes away from dozens of different moods. A little burst of endorphins with every sip. I don’t have to ration or make time for a good tea, good tea is a constant in my everyday.
My bit of self care is to drive a different route every once in a while. Just by going down an unfamiliar road or street I find myself taken out of the ordinary day to day commute/errands. So it takes 5 extra minutes to get somewhere – the grocery store is still there and I’ve moved my mind out of auto pilot. Its a bit of adventure without having to pay for the hotels.
By way of warning – this can really disturb people who are wed to their GPS – especially when you use the words “Well if we go to far we’ll reach the river and can turn back.” Somehow they don’t get the humor.