Happy Thursday everyone! And happy Fourth of July to our US readers. I don’t have to work tomorrow, which means I am free to get shitfaced while watching this episode, and I may need it. Unleash the Kraken…rum.
Luke hasn’t been eliminated yet, and I want to issue a trigger warning for this recap. Luke engages in manipulative, abusive behavior including gaslighting. I found his words and actions incredibly disturbing, and some readers may want to stop here.
We open in Amsterdam where Hannah and Jed go on a one-on-one date. They do some touristy stuff and make out a lot, which is kind of gross because Hannah has a cold. During the dinner they aren’t allowed to eat, Hannah admits she’s got feelings for multiple dudes. Jed tells her that doesn’t bother him, and she tells him she’s falling in love with him. He gets the date rose.
The next one-on-one date is with Tyler C and they go horseback riding. The horses, however, are not too keen on this plan and either refuse to move entirely or decide to do their own thing, wandering off in different directions. At one point Hannah says to her horse, “What have we talked about? We talked about listening to your mother.”
To which the horse likely replies, ” YOU’RE NOT MY REAL MOM!”
A vendor selling pickled herring gives them fish to sample. Hannah downs her like a pro, and Tyler C, still on horseback, barfs almost immediately.
This is date is a disaster, and honestly, I’m here for it.
During the dinner they aren’t allowed to eat, Tyler C admits that he’s falling in love. Hannah gives him the date rose.
When the next date card arrives at the hotel, Connor realizes he hasn’t been chosen for a one-on-one date. He’s struggling because he doesn’t think he’s gotten enough time with Hannah, next week is Hometowns, and he’s not sure he’s ready to introduce her to his family.
Connor goes to Hannah’s hotel room. She admits to him that she’s not as secure in their connection as she is with some of the other guys. She tells him that she doesn’t see a future with him, and Connor goes home.
The final one-on-one date goes to Mike. They ride bicycles and stop at an art gallery. The artist sets up a painting day for them, and they are both…not good. Then the artist paints them while they recline in their underwear and robes.
Hannah admits to the camera that she’s not sure how she feels about Mike. When we cut to the dinner they aren’t allowed to eat, Hannah is already in tears. She tells him that she doesn’t think she’s the right person for him, and Mike handles it really graciously. He tells her he knows that was a tough thing to say, and he thanks her for her honestly.
Mike is a class act.
Hannah tells the camera this was the hardest goodbye she’s had to say yet, and that Mike deserves to be loved fiercely.
In the Limo of Tears, Mike admits that he’s crushed.
Back in the hotel room, Luke continues to antagonize the other guys. Tyler C reflects, “We have a villian, and usually a villain is a big, tall… We have a five-foot-eight villain.” The other guys crack up.
Then we get the group date, which consists of Luke, Peter and Garrett (and the bird that lives in his hair). Jed advises Luke, “Keep your head out of your ass.”
“I can’t believe you have the balls to tell me that,” Luke scoffs.
About ten seconds into the date, Luke asks to talk to Hannah alone. He immediately starts talking shit about the other guys. He tells her about Jed’s “head-out-of-ass” advice.
“That concerns me for you,” Luke says.
He also tells her that Garrett is fake-nice to him.
“I don’t get why people won’t be kind to you,” Hannah says.
IT’S BECAUSE HE’S A RAGING ASSHAT, HANNAH.
Hannah asks Garrett if he’s being fake nice to Luke, and Garrett says he’s being friendly with Luke, but he can’t stand the guy.
Garrett asks Luke why he’s been talking about him and tells him that Hannah knows he’s full of shit, and he’s probably going home.
Garrett calls Luke a “Psychopath and a snake.”
Luke says, “Your words are meaningless to me” likely because he doesn’t know what a psychopath is.
Luke then loses his temper, gets in Garrett’s face, and grabs some lunchmeat off the snack platter and tosses “bologna” in Garrett’s lap.
For the record, it’s not bologna.
So then Luke tries to talk to Peter and look for solidarity, and Peter points out that Luke promised not to talk shit about the other guys, and that was the first thing he did.
“So she’s not in a good headspace then? Dude, I haven’t even talked to her yet,” Peter complains. When Peter does spend time with Hannah, he ignores the drama and focuses on their relationship.
Hannah has two date roses. She gives the first rose to Peter. Garrett is super confident that Luke will get sent home.
During the dinner they aren’t allowed to eat, Luke talks about how he had a drinking and sex problem as a freshman. He refers to them as “selfish, fleshly desires.” Then he says he was taking a shower one day and he felt the voice of God telling him to let go. He looked up and saw heaven in the ceiling. He tells her since then he’s being doing everything he can to be his “future dream wife’s” best husband.
Hannah clearly likes that Luke has “opened up” to her and they make out and …
So then Hannah spends some alone time with Garrett and they make out too. Everyone definitely has her cold now. He tells her that he’s in love with her.
After that Hannah laments how difficult her decision is… and I am flabbergasted. She describes her relationship with Luke as intense, and yeah it is, but I would describe my menstrual cramps as “intense” too.
So then Hannah tearfully says she needs to give the rose to the person who opened up his heart to her, and she has to trust her gut. And she gives the rose to Luke.
For the record, at this point I think Hannah is keeping Luke around of her own volition, not at the behest of a producer. Usually by this point, the Bachelorette would be allowed to send the “villain” home.
Now this is where things really get nuts. We get a preview for next week, and in that preview Luke says, “Let’s say you’ve had sex with one or multiple of these guys. I’d completely remove myself from this relationship.”
Hannah loses her damn mind. “My husband would never say what you said to me. I have had sex, and honestly, Jesus still loves me. From obviously the way you feel… Me, fucking in a windmill, you probably want to leave.”
Luke says, “Say what?”
“Yeah,” Hannah says, “I fucked in a windmill. And guess what? We did it a second time.”
So at this point Monday night, Bachelorette Twitter went crazy trying to discover when said windmill fucking occurred. Right now there are two theories: 1. It happened with Jed in Amsterdam because there was a windmill-ish looking building in the background at one point 2. It hasn’t happened yet and these clips were shot after Fantasy Suites takes place (so not next week’s episode).
Either way, I have mad respect for a woman who fucks twice in a windmill and tells you that’s between her and Jesus.
And that’s it for this week. Are you still watching? What did you think of Hannah’s revelation?
Yeah Luke P is hands down the scariest thing I have ever seen on this show. Or probably any reality show.
Either way, I have mad respect for a woman who fucks twice in a windmill and tells you that’s between her and Jesus.
THIS MADE MY ENTIRE LIFE ELYSE!
I’m just going to say it: it’s not a cold. That’s mono!
Luke, it ain’t Jesus that’s judging her, it’s YOU, and you are NOT His representative (although you might be Satan’s.) I hope she gives him the bird (not Garrett’s) and sends him home next week.
I’m wondering if either Hannah reaaaaally wanted to bang him in the Fantasy Suites or legitimately does not see the huge number of red flags. Either way, yikes. (Why do the producers get such awful options on this show?)
Yeah, I am so hoping to see Luke P go down in flames next week in a major way. I’ve wanted him gone almost since the beginning, but I hope a lot of women see him on the show and use him as a blueprint for what you DON’T want in a relationship. I can’t stand these men who think a wang (that isn’t his) fundamentally changes a woman’s worth as a human being.
Mike was a class act! I hope he is the next bachelor.
So I don’t watch this show, I only read these recaps. Elyse has me invested! Why Hannah didn’t get rid of Luke long ago, I’m stymied. I’m an old married lady now, but I vividly remember moments where I felt a very physical draw to certain men. YET…if the man I felt so drawn to showed himself to be an ass-I was out. It absolutely affected my desire for him. I’m really not sure what is going on here, and like Elyse said-at this point it does seem she is keeping him there because she wants him. Why though? Sadly, I think the men who would be good for Hannah would never in a million years sign up for a show like this. Yikes, why am I putting so much thought into this???
So, to each their own-but for some guy to be on this freaking show, and not expect the woman to have physical contact with the other men? He is delusional. I am tempted to tune in next week-because it sounds like Hannah may slap him down. BUT…if she doesn’t-I hate being manipulated by these shows. I used to LOVE the Amazing Race, and I stopped when I felt it was no longer couples, but everyone had a STORY. No thanks!
I don’t watch the show just here for the hilarious recaps, thanks Elyse. Luke seems pretty much terrifying, as in an entire parade of red flags. Hannah must be attracted to him, but it seems a shame that she couldn’t have gone on a date earlier,not on a reality show, banged him and gotten that out of the way and realized how awful he is.
I’m here for the recaps, too. I don’t watch any reality shows but I have to read the recaps from Elyse.
I love Hannah (from the recaps) but I’m still trying to understand WHY IN THE HELL that creeper/abuser Luke is still around? The shock value of him is over and yes, he should be gone at this point. Any good Southern Woman (supposedly Hannah) wouldn’t have put up with his shit from day 1.
Again, not understanding. Plus, I’m an old (52) southern woman and believe me, his ass would have NEVER stepped foot on my porch.
I just don’t understand any of this! Hannah is supposed to be a normal, intelligent woman, why is a he letting Luke stay? He’s an asshat! I’ve never watched the shows but I love Elyse (and her husband and her pets).
As a reader of Elyse’s recaps but never a program viewer I would like to know if contestants really are not permitted to eat on air or if this is an inside joke.
They’re really not allowed to eat, so the producers can edit the conversation in any order they like and don’t have to worry about continuity.
Elyse’s recaps make me want to watch the fuckery but idk that I am as brave as she.
Elyse’s recaps make me want to watch the fuckery but idk that I am as brave as she.
OK so obviously I have not watched a single second of this show but are you telling me that lovely man in the gray sweater went home leaving a carload of interchangeable Ken dolls displaying greater or lesser degrees of asshattery?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT WOMAN
The suspense is killing me. I so want to find out that Hannah tossed Luke under a bus. Not even a metaphorical bus. A REAL BUS.
Ughhhhhhhm Hannah!!!! I feel like this episode really reminded me that she’s only 23/24 – and yes, some people are ready for marriage and commitment at that point, but I don’t think she’s one of them, no matter how much she says it. Mike was in his early 30’s, I think?, and such a great, solid guy, but maybe he doesn’t seem as “exciting” as someone like Luke, who I think is closer to her own age. I am SO READY for her to tear Luke a new one though!!
Personally, I am rooting all the way for Tyler C, but from what I read on Twitter on Monday nights, I have a bad feeling about who she ends up picking.
@LML they don’t eat during the dinners bc their mics pick up chewing/eating sounds. They eat off camera
I have zero patience with this show. ZERO!! Being in a relationship with someone who has a dating history is normal and understandable. Dating someone with serious intent while they’re also currently making that dating history?!?! I just . . . I mean clearly this show is not for me. Elyse’s recaps always make me laugh but I cringe so hard too. There’s a part of me that wants to read a romance novel with a contestant going on a Bachelor-type show for some reason other than love. Like she’s totally cynical but needs the cash. But then ends up falling for the guy. Has anyone written this?
Thanks, @MInaKelly and @Elyse.
@ Mara
Lauren Layne’s Runaway Groom! He’s the bachelor, she’s a contestant who just wants to go home. IIRC, it’s pretty cute.
I still love the show, just don’t agree with Hannah’s decision to keep Luke. I don’t trust him I’ll be really disappointed if he gets the final rose.
@Mara
Rachel Gibson’s Art of Running in Heels (Chinooks Hockey) is based on this type of show, but I hated it though I liked most of the Chinooks series. The heroine was a piece of work and hero was kind of a cipher. On the other hand Elizabeth Harmon’s Turning It On (Red Hot Russians) is set in a reality show for engaged couples and was quite delightful if I recall correctly.
@michelle thank you! I enjoyed Runaway Groom. Exactly what I was in the mood for
@PamG I’ll try the Elizabeth Harmon! Thanks
omg I want Mike to be the next bachelor! If I weren’t already happily married, I would find him and marry him–he seems like such a sweet, awesome guy, and he was super open and honest with Hannah from the beginning, even about really tough past experiences of his. Plus, he is beautiful.
Also @chacha1 re: Ken dolls. There were at least 5 dudes I thought were the same guy, until I saw them all sitting together and my mind was blown. Awkward.
@Mara – I’ve only read Marrying Mr. Perfect by Lizzie Shane, but one of the sequels sounds like exactly the book you were describing.
It was funny cute for the most part.