Elyse Watches The Bachelorette S15–E1 & E2: The Things I Do for Love

So a few months ago I told SB Sarah that I was going take this season of The Bachelorette off. I had some family stuff coming up and after a season of hearing about Colton’s virginity every ten minutes, I needed to cleanse my palate.

Also I was worried that Hannah B, this season’s Bachelorette, would be painted as a dumb blonde due to her bubbly personality and inability to speak extemporaneously.

But then two things happened.

First of all, apparently a lot of you asked about the recaps. Like a lot of you. (Thank you for that!)

Secondly I caught about twenty minutes of the premiere and it was banana-pants crazy. I can’t keep all this insanity to myself.

So I’m back. The recaps will likely be shorter and will be coming out on Thursdays instead of Tuesdays, but I’m back.

The first episode of the season is the typical Parade of Limos. Hannah gets to wear a really beautiful evening gown, some poor PA has to hose down the McMansion driveway to make it shiny, and the dudes try to make a good impression.

Hannah frets that “everything won’t be perfect” and Chris Harrison, in full Daddy Chris mode, reminds her that nothing in life is perfect. Take for example, his selling his soul to what he assumed was an Elder God of Lovecraftean horror, only to learn that he’d made his Faustian bargain to live in the basement of a poorly decorated McMansion, perpetually spray-tanned orange, while helping Dude Bros navigate dating (and sometimes furniture).

So in a miasma of Axe Body Spray, the dudes emerge from their limos. One of them jumps the McMansion fence, a callback to Colton’s infamous Portugal escape.

One of the guys, John Paul Jones, lists his job as “John Paul Jones” and asks Hannah to refer to him by his full name: John Paul Jones. He also looks 12.

At one point a forklift rolls up the driveway with a large cardboard box resting on it’s forks and you know some idiot is in that box. Instantly my skin crawls and I relive every single forklift safety training video I’ve seen. That’s so, so unsafe.

YOU NEVER STAND ON THE FORKS FOR ANY REASON.

The box is on a pallet to stabilize it, but still, scary unsafe.

Some guy named Joe jumps out of the box and packing peanuts go everywhere, which is awful because you know some poor intern had to clean all of those up.

Grant eats a hotdog in honor of tonight’s “sausage party,” talking with his mouth full the entire time. Grant is also unemployed, so there’s that.

So if you’re like, “Elyse, you said this season was batshit, this seems pretty par for the course to me,” that’s because we haven’t gotten to the best part yet.

Cut back to the shiny driveway. There’s a white surveillance van parked there now, and inside are Katie and Demi from last season. In a truly delightful twist, Katie and Demi get to sit in the van and watch the dudes on a series of TV screens and warn Hannah if they see them up to some shit.

Demi, who clearly was born to sit in a surveillance van and potentially ruin the lives of dude bros, is fucking HERE FOR THIS. Someone reached out to Demi through social media telling her that one of the contestants, Scott, has a girlfriend. This person sent Demi screenshots of a text conversation and everything.

When said dude, who claims to be an interior designer from Chicago, finally appears, Demi announces loudly “OMG what a douche!”

Chris fetches Hannah and escorts her to the van. Demi and Katie tell her that Scott has a girlfriend.

Hannah marches back into the living room and snaps, “Scott, come with me.”

Following her outside Scott asks, “Is this going to be a good talk?”

“Nooooooo, probably not,” Hannah replies. “I knew you were nervous coming into today. It might be because you have a girlfriend.”

Scott immediately breaks out into flop sweat. There’s this look that passes across his face that I can only describe as “dude is terrified that someone called him on his shit for once in his life.”

He says, “I don’t have a girlfriend,” in this weak little voice.

But Demi had receipts, remember? So then Scott tries “Well, I have dated this girl…” and when Hannah challenges him “Like on Monday?” the flop sweat gets worse.

Then he tries, “I have no idea how it was going to go…”

Hannah says, “So you kept your girlfriend back at home to be safe.”

“She’s not my…we’re not…”

Cut back to the living room. All of the dudes can hear this conversation and Hannah’s I-am-not-here-for-your-shit tone, and all of their testicles shrivel collectively.

Hannah points out that this incredibly shitty to both her, and the woman Scott left at home.

So then Scott says, “If you want me to be completely honest, yes I was dating a girl up until Monday. If that bothers you, I’m sorry, but do I think this is someone I’m going to marry long term? No I don’t.”

Hannah’s jaw drops. “So on Monday you were just in a relationship with somebody else.” Scott tries to interrupt her and she says, “No let me talk. How dare you come here and think this is okay?”

“Hannah, if you want to be upset with me about this, that’s totally fine, but I could also say you just dated Colton for the past two months and this is the same exact thing,” he says, sealing his doom.

“Oh my God, you’re such a jerk,” Hannah replies. “There’s no reason for you to be here. It’s time for you to head out.”

Scott tries to argue more, but Hannah claps her hands and stands up and fucking marches his deadbeat ass out the door. At one point Scott dallies and Hannah snaps, “C’mon. No, c’mon,” and all but snaps her fingers at him.

So then Hannah heads back to the living room and tells the other dudes that Scott had a girlfriend back home. She tells the dudes that if any of them are hiding anything, they need to leave now.

Then Hannah goes to get some air and all of the dudes stand around in shocked silence. Chris Harrison is outside somewhere, preparing Scott’s body for sacrifice.

Luke P tries to reassure Hannah. She says she’s cold like five times and he never even offers her his jacket. There’s something likable about him, though, mostly because (and I say this with love in my heart), I think he’s too dumb to be insincere.

Luke P gets the First Impression Rose.

So then Chris Harrison, wiping Scott’s blood from his mouth, appears to tell us it’s time for the Dreaded Rose Ceremony. Some of the guys go home. I don’t remember any of their names. We’ll just call them all Chad.

That’s just the first episode.

For the first group date, a bunch of guys meet Hannah at a theater where drag queens Alaska Thunderfuck, Alyssa Edwards, and Miss J. Alexander are waiting. They announce that they’ll be having a Mr. Right Pageant.

Chris Harrison dons a tux to emcee the pageant. There’s a talent portion and a runway walk. The runway walk is just the dudes wearing speedos.

Luke P takes off his robe and even the other dudes are like “HOLY SHIT.” He has a lot of muscles. Like more than I think human beings are actually supposed to have. He’s like one of those cover models who have too many abs and it’s actually disconcerting.

Most of the guys goof off for the talent portion, but it turns out Jed can actually sing.

So then Luke P, wearing clothes again, bless his dumb, muscly heart, comes out on stage and tells Hannah he loves her. He wins the pageant.

During the cocktail hour Luke P steals time with Hannah first, which pisses the other guys off. Hannah asks him how he knows he’s in love after 48 hours.

Answer: Luke P is too dumb to have second thoughts. He barely has first thoughts.

Actual Answer: He says he fell in love with her before he met her (on TV I guess????).

Hannah gives the Group Date Rose to Jed.

The next day (or however time works in this fucked up reality tv universe) Hannah goes on a solo date with Tyler G. A helicopter lands in the McMansion driveway to pick them up. The rest of the dudes stay in their PJs and sit around the pool–a pool that totally has an oil slick of hair product and body spray floating on its surface.

The helicopter drops Hannah and Tyler G off in a field absolutely nowhere near where Chris Harrison disposes of the post-Rose God remains of Bachelorette contestants past. They drive ATVs through the mud. She gives him a rose.

The next group date is a roller derby and nothing interesting happens.

So we need to talk briefly about Cam. So far Cam has not been selected for any dates. He reacts to this by pouting, reciting his mantra ABC: Always Be Cam, and playing the harmonica. Cam is extremely punchable.

So while Hannah is enjoying the cocktail hour with the Derby Dudes, Cam shows up with a bouquet of flowers. How did he get out of the McMansion? Aren’t those fences electrified? Don’t the contestants die off if they aren’t regularly fed Lysine?

Hannah handles his intrusion politely, but the other guys let Cam know they’re irritated with him. A few of the guys don’t get any alone time Hannah because of Cam’s disruption, and it appears he’s being set up as this season’s villain.

Next up we have the pre-Dreaded Rose Ceremony cocktail party. Hannah walks into the living room where the guys are waiting and immediately starts crying. She feels overwhelmed at letting some of the guys go.

She collects herself and spends some time with the dudes individually.

At one point Cam interrupts Hannah talking to Kevin to give her a plate of chicken nuggets and honey  mustard.

Cam actually says, “Will you accept this honey mustard?”

“What he is doing is weird,” Kevin says. “He’s having a chicken nugget ceremony with her.” So then Kevin throws the nuggets at Cam and tells him to fuck himself. There’s like a 15 second cutaway shot of the nuggets laying forlornly on the McMansion floor.

Later Hannah asks Luke P to take off his shirt so she can give him a massage. This woman is unrepentantly horny for Luke P, and I have crazy respect for that. You enjoy your time Hannah.

Jed walks in on the sexy massage and Hannah gets super embarrassed. To his credit, Jed makes a joke out of it and goes out of his way to make her feel better.

Then we get to the Dreaded Rose Ceremony. Cam stays. The dudes who go home haven’t been mentioned in this recap and I think two of them weren’t on screen at all.

And that’s it. I’ll be back next week on Thursdays (adjust your WTFy Calendars accordingly!) with the next recap.

What about you? Are you watching?