Elyse Watches The Bachelorette–S15: E03: It’s a Lot

Happy Bachelorette Thursday everyone! I know I said I’d be keeping these recaps shorter, but episode three of this season was…well it’s a lot.

Crazysauce ahoy.

We open with a group date, which Cam is invited to. The other guys are salty because Cam crashed a date last week and they feel like he isn’t playing by the rules.

In a truly epic turn of events, Hannah takes the dudes to class about female anatomy and childbirth. The fact that the class is taught by Jason Biggs and Jenny Mollen is a little weird, but kudos to Hannah for making sure these idiots know what a clitoris is.

It is truly, truly horrifying what these men do not know about basic reproduction. Cam thinks human gestation is 2 weeks.

The men have to wear pregnancy bellies and wear clothespins on their nipples to simulate breast feeding pain. Then they get hooked up to a machine that simulates labor pain. The men do not handle contractions well. Of all of them, John Paul Jones takes it the worst, screaming  and looking like he might pass out.

THIS IS THE BEST TV EVER. I WOULD WATCH ALL THE HOURS OF THIS.

Then we get to the cocktail party, and for reasons only the Rose God understands, Cam is wearing a hoodie under a sports jacket.

My husband, who had a migraine earlier and is now properly stoned, takes this opportunity to ask loudly, “What’s the pizza I like?”

After establishing what the pizza he likes is, we get back to the show.

During their alone time, Mike tells Hannah that he and his previous partner were going to start a family, but that she suffered a second trimester miscarriage. He gets emotional discussing how much guilt he felt for not being there when it happened, and then Cam, lacking all self-awareness (as evident by the hoodie/sports jacket combo) wanders in to interrupt. He asks to talk to Hannah when they’re done.

So Mike continues his story, still in tears, while Cam LITERALLY STARES AT THEM FROM THE CORNER. Cue a flashback to Sean Lowe’s season of The Bachelor where Tierra would sneak into the room he was having a private conversation in and crouch in the corner muttering to herself. It was like Gollum but with mascara tears.

Both Hannah and Mike notice him and look at him like, “WTF are you even doing right now?”

Cam says, “I have uh, something really important to talk to you about…”

“I’ll come get you,” Mike replies.

So they talk and then kiss and then both look up with that mix of secondhand embarrassment and horror that you have when you see someone shit themselves. That’s right, Cam is hovering over them, all but heavy breathing.

“I have something really important to tell her. Please,” he says.

Both Mike and Hannah tell him that he’ll get his time. He looks sweaty and–frankly–kinda coked up at this point.

So Cam tells Hannah his big news and based on his urgency the only acceptable thing for him to say would be “I’m bleeding from a major artery right now,” but I’d assume if that was the case some PA would have stepped in. His blood must be preserved for The Rose God, after all.

Instead Cam tells her he’s “deep” and that he quit his job to be on the show.

The other dudes are super annoyed by him and Jonathan interrupts him and all but shoves him out of the room.

“There’s a difference between bold and charismatic and romantic and being a little physically overpowering Chihuahua like he just was,” says Cam who just romantically, charismatically stood in a corner glaring a man who was crying over a miscarriage.

Hannah gives the group date rose to Mike.

So after a commercial break it’s time for Connor’s one-on-one date, except he doesn’t get to have it because Hannah had to go to the ER. Apparently she passed out and we see her getting IV fluids and being told to rest for a day.

Connor goes to her hotel suite, bringing her soup and flowers. They hang out in bed and cuddle. Before he leaves, Connor leaves her a bunch of sticky notes in her room with compliments on them. Later Hannah gives Connor a rose.

After another commercial we learned Tyler G had to leave the show, although it’s not stated why.

Then there’s a group date where the guys do a photoshoot with dogs, mini ponies, piglets, a snake, and a baby alpaca.

So then Demi makes another appearance. She’s watching from a secret room where she can see all the guys on multiple screens, and the show has placed two actresses in the mix. They pose as an animal handler and a makeup artist and are tasked with flirting with the dudes while Demi watches.

Luke P tells the makeup artist, “I do crossfit…but not for a living.”

Well, no shit.

None of the guys rise to the bait and Hannah says, “Demi, as happy as she is for me, is profoundly disappointed that there’s no one to stomp on.”

SAME.

During the photo shoot Luke P freaks out a little that Hannah is kissing the other guys. He interrupts a photo to take another picture with her. Then he walks her to the changing room.

She tells him that they’ll talk tonight and says he needs to slow his roll.

During the cocktail hour Luke P starts to unravel. He gets hostile with other dudes waiting to talk to Hannah. He tries to interrupt, but Hannah won’t let him. She tells him that she promised to talk to him eventually, and that she “calls the shots.”

So then Luke P tells the other dudes he’s thinking about going home because he isn’t sure he’s in love with Hannah despite the fact that he told her last week that he was. It’s so many HURT DOOD FEELZ on parade.

As promised, Hannah comes back to talk to Luke P.

Hannah tells him that he “doesn’t get it,” and isn’t respecting the fact that she’s going to be developing relationships with other people (the entire premise of the show). She basically tells him to do better.

The group date rose goes to Peter.

We get another commercial and then Chris Harrison shows up at the McMansion. He tells the dudes that instead of a cocktail party, they’ll have a tailgate party.

So then the batshit crazy quotient really goes up. All of the dudes are sitting on drinking couches and Cam raises his hand. He tells them something serious is going on in his life, that he needs to talk to Hannah immediately at the party, that this thing has been “the downfall of my last two relationships” and that “there’s a strong likelihood it might be too much for her to handle.”

Everyone looks at him like WTF is going on right now?

“BS,” says Mike.

So Cam pulls Hannah aside and tells her about a medical condition he has (per Instagram it’s Lymphedema), and weaves in the death of his grandmother and also rehoming a puppy into it.

Mike tells her that Cam was trying to get a pity rose. Hannah agrees that Cam has been manipulative. She pulls him aside and tells him that his experience is very serious, but she thinks he’s being manipulative with the timing of it.

Basically Cam thought he was going to go home, was writing some of the other guys goodbye letters, and pulled out his tragic story as a last ditch effort to stay.

Also there was the fact that he wore a hoodie under a sport jacket, stared at her like a goddamn creeper, and thought human pregnancy lasts two weeks, but hey.

So then it’s time for The Dreaded Rose Ceremony. There’s dramatic music, Chris Harrison shows up to let us know he can count to one (THANKS CHRIS) and in the end Jonathan, Cam and some guy I don’t remember go home.

And that’s it.

Are you watching? What are your thoughts on the hoodie under the sports jacket look?