Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S23 E9: I’m Out

Happy Bachelor Monday everyone! May your work week be short and your evening fortified by something alcoholic. My glass of sauvignon blanc and I aren’t looking forward to tonight because it’s Fantasy Suites.

Fantasy Suites is when the Bachelor is down to three contestants and they get to spend the night, alone, in a hotel room together, presumably to have sex. Since we’ve heard about elventy billion times this season that Colton is a virgin, the whole Fantasy Suite thing has been elevated to an entire new level of icky.

Last season on the The Bachelorette, in one of the cringy-est moments on the series ever, Colton pulled Chris Harrison aside and asked him super seriously if sex was required in the Fantasy Suite and then admitted that he was a virgin.

Chris appeared genuinely thrown by the question and replied with something like “well you’re both grown-ups so I guess do whatever you want?”

Did Colton think Chris would be there watching the whole thing, confirming penetration?

Anyway. If you got second hand embarrassment from that, then gird your loins because tonight is gonna get hella awkward.

Anyway, we’re down to three contestants, Cassie, Tayshia and Hannah G. So far Cassie has been the only one who hasn’t told Colton she’s falling in love with him and there’s been plenty of speculation as to whether or not she wants to get engaged.

So we open with Chris Harrison and Colton talking.

“So I know last time, I had a little awkward conversation with you,” Colton says, minimizing one of the worst moments of this entire shitty franchise.

“The Awkward Becca Fantasy Suite Conversation?” Chris replies clearly capitalizing each word.

“I’m not going to make this one awkward because I now have an idea of what happens in a Fantasy Suite,” Colton tells him.

Someone gave him a book, I guess.

“Thank God. I appreciate that,” Chris says then does a one-eighty. “What do you want to have happen in the Fantasy Suites? What are your expectations?”

“There’s no secret with my virginity. It’s not something I have mapped out. I don’t have a picture perfect time where I’m going to lose it,” Colton says. “If I feel like I’m in love, I could see it happening. A hundred percent.”

So then everyone goes to Portugal. Tayshia gets the first date with Colton.

They start with a helicopter ride to Cabo Sao Vincent where they have a picnic. They make a lot of virginity jokes. Then Colton says he’s looking forward to having “intimate conversations without distractions.”

Then we get to the dinner portion of the date. Tayshia says that intimacy is really important to her and that it’s something she only shares with someone she’s very close to.

Tayshia sits down to dinner and she’s wearing this super low cut shirt and we have a whole conversation about nip slip.

“I just need you to tell me…” she mutters.

“If your boob flies out?” Colton offers.

“It’s not supposed to. There’s tape…” she jiggles her boob a little.

“It’s not working,” Colton says.

They start having a serious conversation about their relationship and then Tayshia gasps. “That was a nip slip,” she says.

“I saw that one,” Colton adds.

Then Tayshia tells Colton she waited until marriage to have sex for the first time. She admits that her husband cheated on her while they were married and that she thinks intimacy and truth are really important.

You know he’s going to sleep with two other women in the next two days, right?

So then they open THE HANDWRITTEN LETTER FROM CHRIS HARRISON inviting them to bone in the Fantasy Suite. Why in the name of God does Chris Harrison have to pen them a note in his own blood when we all know what this is about? This whole show is about other men giving women permission to do stuff with this dude and I just… Yuck.

They eat chocolate and open champagne in the Fantasy Suite.

(Ed. note: nice suggestive champagne there, in every respect.)

Colton tells the camera, “As men we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to perform well. I feel like it’s just one of those things where you have to have confidence that you’re doing the right thing. I mean how hard can it be? Without getting into details…I am…I’ve been very close. I’ve pretty much done everything–I’m experienced in other ways.”

On behalf of every woman, if you are a man reading this, please do not engage in sex with a new partner with the motto “you’ve just got to have confidence you’re doing the right thing.” That’s how pie lube happens.

So then they make out on the bed for awhile, Colton gets up and closes the door, and we blessedly go to commercial.

The next morning Tayshia and Colton are in bed and Colton says, “I’m tired as hell” which I think is The Bachelor‘s version of “Bring me a cup of ale for I have been this night in the midst of Spain.”

Tayshia giggles and tells the camera “last night was interesting” and she “doesn’t know the last time Colton was that close to a woman.” Then she adds, “We didn’t get to have the physical intimacy I wanted, but I got to see him for who he truly is.”

Colton tells the camera that he knew last night that he wasn’t ready to take the final step with Tayshia because he’s not in love yet, but falling in love.

After he leaves Tayshia admits she’s on the verge of an emotional breakdown because she feels like she put it all out there for Colton and he’s not acting like he feels the same way.

Next up Colton and Cassie go to a café. Colton tells the camera that he hopes by the end of the night they’re in love with each other.

They do some shopping, eat desserts, giggle, and kiss. Colton says, “Moments like today, with Cassie, is what I want from my partner for the rest of my life.” He adds, “Cassie makes me feel complete. I would love nothing more than to hear Cassie is falling in love with me. Even though I haven’t verbally heard it, I feel so good when I’m around her and she’s given me every reason to think she’s falling for me. After today, I just know for sure I love Cassie. I want to be in love the first time I have sex. I want it to be with somebody I could see myself spending the rest of my life with. I think tonight could be the night I’ve been looking forward to this whole entire journey.”

JESUS NO PRESSURE.

Cassie, for her part, says that she can see a future with Colton, but she wishes she had more time.

As they share a bottle of wine, they discuss the fact that Cassie’s dad wasn’t 100% on board for this whole thing. Colton tells Cassie that he asked her dad for his blessing to get engaged to her, and her dad declined.

Cassie is visibly upset by this.

She asks Colton why he’s not upset and he says that it’s not going to discourage him from being with her.

“You seemed so happy after all those conversations though,” Cassie says.

“I was because I got to know your dad,” Colton says.

Who hated you, but okay.

“I wish you would have told me then,” she replies.

Am I the only one who doesn’t understand why this is a big deal? Yeah, your dad didn’t feel comfortable with you marrying a guy you’ve known for like a day. Seems like sound logic to me. We all know this ends up with a stint on Dancing with the Stars and then a breakup anyway (I’m looking at you, Nick Viall).

Cassie tells the camera that it’s really important for her to have her father’s blessing and the fact that her family “weren’t 100% sold on Colton, freaks me out.”

She says of Colton, “He has no idea how confused I am. It just makes me so, so sad.”

They split up for a bit, presumably to get ready for the dinner they aren’t allowed to eat.

So then we see a van pull up to their hotel and Cassie’s dad gets out. He knocks on Cassie’s door and surprises her.

He says that to him a commitment to marriage is second only to a commitment to God, and that it should be forever.

You could have texted that info, buddy.

Her dad asks her if she’s in love with Colton and she replies, “I think I do…yeah.”

“Is there a but?” he asks.

Cassie says she doesn’t want it to be over with Colton but she wants more time. THE ROSE GOD ONLY GRANTS SO MUCH TIME CASSIE. THE SWEETNESS OF HIS PATIENCE IS FLEETING.

Her dad tells her not to do anything if she’s not completely certain. Cassie cries a lot and talks about not being 100% confident and how she wants want her dad would want.

Oh Lord this is some messed up patriarchal shit. UGH.

So then after making her sob all her makeup off her dad fucks off and leaves Cassie to deal with the aftermath of his “advice.”

SHE’S ON REALITY TV DAD. THIS WAS NEVER GOING TO BE A LEGIT MARRIAGE. IT IS A GATEWAY TO SELLING DIET TEA ON INSTAGRAM.

We get to the dinner portion of the evening and Cassie admits, “I have to send myself home tonight.”

Colton meanwhile is super excited because he fully thinks they’re going to have sex tonight.

“Cass is the one,” he says.

“I feel like my entire life has been leading to tonight,” he adds.

They sit down on a Drinking Couch and toast “to their relationship.”

So then Colton tries to elaborate on the conversation he had with her dad and how it didn’t change anything for him.

“I was thinking about it today, too,” Cassie says.

YEAH PROBABLY BECAUSE YOUR DAD FUCKING SHOWED UP.

So then she tells Colton how her dad showed up and basically doubled down on the no blessing thing.

“I don’t want to see you to leave here not having found what you came here for,” Cassie says.

“But if it’s not with the person who at the end of this I feel the strongest for and the most potential with, then it’s not worth it,” he replies.

“I hate that you say that,” she says. “I like–it’s sweet.”

Anyone else drinking a lot right now?

Then Cassie says, “I love you so much. So much. But after today…I couldn’t. I’m not like, in love. In love. You know what I mean?”

“Can I ask you something?” Colton asks. “Were you planning on leaving tonight?”

“Mhmm,” she says. “It’s because I don’t know if I can get there.”

Then Cassie gets up and walks out. “I’m so confused,” she says tearing up. “Now I’m second guessing it.”

We get a commercial and then Cassie and Colton are talking again. He says he doesn’t want to lose her and asks her to sit down with him again.

Colton tells her that he doesn’t want her to make a decision tonight. “I want to be with you. I want to be around you. I can’t stop thinking about you when I’m not with you. It’s not easy going through and going on dates with other women when all I do is think about you.”

“Oh my gosh,” Cassie says. “Do you not feel like I should know by now?”

This is excruciating.

So then Colton tells her he’s in love with her.

“I don’t know where your doubts are coming from,” he says.

He tells her that there’s no pressure and he’s okay if they don’t end up engaged as long as they’re together and Cassie is like, “What about the two other girls?”

Colton tells her that he loves her and he wants to be with her at the end of this. They hug for awhile.

Then I sniffle because I’m getting over a cold and my husband says, “Are you tearing up?”

And because I love him I say, “SHUT YOUR FUCKING WHORE MOUTH, RICHARD.” and he cackles.

We come back from commercial and Colton has his head in Cassie’s boobs while they cry. I literally think I’ve cried less in the entirety of my 14 year marriage than these two have in this episode.

Cassie reiterates that she doesn’t know if she can “get to the same page” as Colton.

Colton says he wants to give her whatever she needs to get there.

SHE’S BREAKING UP WITH YOU DUDE.

Then Cassie says, “Colton, I can’t do this.”

Me either. I’m out of wine.

“I don’t care if you’re about to leave. I’m not going to stop fighting for you,” he replies.

Colton, that isn’t romantic or whatever the fuck you’re thinking it is. She set boundaries. Observe them. You’re done.

Cassie says, “I feel like staying here is the wrong decision for me.”

“So that’s it,” Colton says.

He walks Cassie out to the Limo of Tears, away from the Fantasy Suite and Chris Harrison’s creepy AF handwritten note inviting them to “bless” it.

After Cassie leaves Colton says, “I’m done. I’m done with this.”

Then we FINALLY get the fence-jumping scene we’ve been promised all season. Colton walks away, tearing off his mic while a camera chases him. Chris Harrison follows behind him yelling, “Colton! Colton!”

But no.

Colton jumps the fence.

“He jumped the fucking fence,” Chris mutters.

Chris knows. The Rose God will find you Colton. He is of Air and Darkness. He sees all with his spectral eye.

Also, upon closer inspection, after two camera guys show up with lights, I’m pretty sure that fence opened from the inside, my man.

“Open the fence, guys,” a PA shouts, confirming my theory and letting Chris Harrison loose.

Chris looks down a dark lane while dogs, upset by all the commotion, start barking. People start shouting for Colton and at one point Chris whistles for him like he’s a German Shepherd or something.

“We’re in the middle of nowhere,” Chris says. “Holy fuck. Does anyone have any idea where he is?”

Didn’t you guys put a microchip in his neck or something?

And that’s where the episode ends. With Colton wandering the countryside and Chris Harrison fearing what punishment the Rose God will deem appropriate for letting the Bachelor out of his sight.

Are you still watching? Are you sober?

Ed note: We’d planned to recap this episode and the “Women Tell All” tomorrow night, but since it’s yelling and manufactured drama (like, more than the usual amount of manufactured drama) we’re going to skip it. It can’t possibly top this mess. Stay tuned for the finale next week.