Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S23 E12: All the Rage

We are finally, finally on the last episode of The Bachelor this season.

In case you blacked out last time (and I wouldn’t blame you), Colton had decided that he loved Cassie enough to “risk everything for her.” He sent home Tayshia and Hannah G.

The problem? Cassie doesn’t want to be with Colton. How do we know Cassie doesn’t want to be Colton? A few people have told us, namely:

1. Every other contestant on the show.
2. Chris Harrison.
3. Cassie’s family.
4.  CASSIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When a woman says she doesn’t want to be with you, doesn’t love you, is looking forward to going home and “getting on with my life,” you leave her alone. You do not chase after her. That’s harassment.

Tonight’s episode is pretty rage inducing so put in your bite guard because here we go.

Chris Harrison starts the show by saying, “Will Colton end his journey the same way he began? Alone and still a virgin?”

No one cares, Chris.

We cut to Colton knocking on Cassie’s hotel room door. She opens it and seems surprised to see him. He says he wanted to have one more conversation and they go talk.

Colton tells the camera, “I don’t know if [Cassie] is in love with me, but I hope she’s not at peace with her decision because I’m not.”

Well, that’s some fucking abuser talk right there.

Colton tells Cassie that he sacrificed everything for her, and she’s genuinely confused. “I’m sorry–sacrificed? What?” she asks.

He tells her that he ended things with Hannah and Tayshia. Cassie sort of giggles and slaps her hand over her mouth. “Oh my God. What?”

Colton says, “I’m not sitting here asking for marriage at the end of this. I’m asking to take it day by day and figure it out.”

Cassie still has her hand over her mouth. Then she rubs her forehead. “I’m so nervous right now. What? This is crazy. This is really crazy. I can’t believe you did that. Sorry I’m just trying to let the shock of this fade off so I can like…”

“Take your time,” Colton says.

“I feel like this whole time I’ve been trying to like rationalize with myself about a lot of things, and I know that there were other girls here, and something told me that they were further along than I was, like they were ready for something that you wanted and literally came here for. Like you’re on The Bachelor. You came here to get engaged,” she says, rapid fire.  “I didn’t know if I would get there. Because I don’t think all the time what you feel is what you should feel. I just wanted to be sure. I think being sure is really hard for me. And they could give you that and I couldn’t. And I wanted you to have that. And I know you’re willing to give up so many things. But I don’t want you to give up things. I feel like in the future that could make you resent me, too.”

Hey, you know what words were not in that whole giant run-on panic-sentence? “I love you. I want to be with you.”

THIS IS NOT A WOMAN WHO WANTS TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU, YOU DILLHOLE.

Colton shakes his head. “No, in my opinion that’s part of a relationship. Compromise. Sacrifice.”

“And you feel 100% sure about it?” she asks.

Colton talks about how much he’s willing to give up and “give to us.”

For the record, Cassie is smiling at this point. They kiss.

“This is so weird. I’m so confused,” she says, and giggles.

“Oh God, don’t say that,” he replies.

Then Colton tells Cassie how he hopped an eight foot fence and ran away, and Cassie bursts out laughing.

Colton asks her if she wants to continue on and meet his family in Spain.

“Yeah I do,” Cassie says. She laughs again. “This is so weird.”

“None of this is normal!” Colton says.

AIN’T THAT THE FUCKING TRUTH.

Cassie says she doesn’t know what she’s ready for, but she feels good.

After a commercial we find ourselves in Mallorca, Spain. Colton sits down with his family and tells them “I’m no longer a virgin,” and then quickly adds, “just kidding.”

Then he tells them how Cassie broke up with him, but he “chose” Cassie and broke up with Tayshia and Hannah.

Colton’s dad looks confused. “With Cassie are you…”

“I’m in love with her,” Colton says.

“And do you think Cassie is in love with you?” his dad asks.

“At this point, no,” Colton replies.

When Colton goes to get Cassie, she’s so nervous she’s crying. She says, among other things, that “I want to be able to tell them what they want to hear,” and that “this is big” and she’s still not ready.

ALL GREAT SIGNS.

So then Cassie meets Colton’s family. Cassie admits that since the last scene when they were in Portugal, they haven’t even been allowed to talk.

“Even coming here, and knowing you guys had expectations of what you wanted for him…it’s been hard knowing I won’t be able to live up to that right now,” Cassie tells them, and starts tearing up again.

GOD.

Just let this woman go home. She’s not happy right now. Don’t put her through this shit. Ugh.

Donna, Colton’s mom, pulls him aside to tell him she’s concerned because he and Cassie are on such different pages.

Then Cassie is talking with Colton’s dad. “I love him, and I care about him so much, but I need clarity to figure out if this is really gonna work,” Cassie says. “I mean, there’s no reason why it shouldn’t…after this week when it’s just us.”

Colton’s dad looks less than thrilled.

When Donna talks with Cassie she asks her about “your decision to bail.”

“The pressure of this whole thing got to me,” Cassie says.

“Do you have concerns about moving forward?” Donna asks.

“I think…just knowing what he did for me. Still wanting me here. Um, like, we are on a little bit of different pages right now. He’s always been a step ahead of me. I don’t know why. That’s definitely something that’s on my mind. I just want to be confident in any decision I make,” Cassie says anxiously.

Colton talks to his dad privately. Dad asks, “Are you having second thoughts?”

“No,” Colton says.

“Why?” asks his dad.

Then Dad tells him that he thinks Colton just wants what he can’t have.

Colton’s dad gets so upset about all of this that he tears up. So let’s add Colton’s entire family to the list of people who have said Cassie isn’t in love with Colton nor does want to be with him.

I am so skeeved out and enraged by this whole thing. I want to help Cassie climb a fence and run away.

Then we get Cassie and Colton’s final date.

Cassie tells the camera, “I’ve been so anxious and so nervous because Colton and I have been through so much. I do love him, but Colton has been a step ahead of me.”

They drive around Mallorca and then rappel down a cliffside to a picnic that some poor fucking intern had to set out for them.

As they eat, Colton asks here, “What concerns do you have about being in a relationship with me?”

“It’s not being in a relationship with you,” Cassie says. “It’s being in one in general. It’s a commitment. I had been in one in college and we had planned out, like, what he was going to propose to me. And it got pretty controlling. I sometimes feel like the experience I’ve had in relationships has been really controlling and stifling, and you have to change everything for that person.”

On a side note, if you’re so paralyzed by fear of commitment, why did you go on a show where the end is an engagement?

Regardless, we get to the dinner where no one is allowed to eat. Cassie says she’s feeling more sure of their relationship. Colton whips out the hand-written note from Chris Harrison inviting them to stay in the Fantasy Suite.

“Cassie, do you want to go to the Fantasy Suite?” Colton asks.

“Yes,” she says. “I feel so good. More than ever I’m ready for tonight.”

They go to their fancy hotel room and make out for awhile. Then Colton kicks the camera people out, and says, “I love all of you people. But there’s a door right here, and I’m going to need all of you guys to get out.”

We actually see the camera and sound people walk out, waving at Colton.

Then, really just putting the cherry (hurr) on top, Colton throws a peace sign.

So, then because this show hasn’t been awful enough, we cut to a studio in LA where Chris Harrison has a panel of six former Bachelor/Bachelorette contestants and they speculate on whether or not Colton lost his virginity.

Demi is on the panel. She says, “I hope Cassie jumps on him like Portuguese fence!”

WHAT IN THE NAME OF CHRIST IS THIS? Why do we need six people who weren’t there to talk to us about whether or not this couple might have had sex?

There is not enough liquor in the world for this.

So then we cut to the next morning and guess what Colton is doing?

HE’S TAKING A SHOWER.

Then Colton brings Cassie breakfast in bed. He doesn’t confirm or deny that they had sex because it’s nobody’s fucking business. There’s a lot of giggling and kissing.

Then we cut to LA where Cassie and Colton are live with Chris Harrison.

Cassie says that they’re in love, and that they are talking about getting engaged, but are enjoying dating. Chris Harrison tells us that Colton moved a few miles away from Cassie in LA.

“I’m so excited!” Cassie says.

Then Colton gives Cassie the final rose. They kiss more.

Chris Harrison asks flat out if Colton lost his virginity.

“I know I’ve been very open and candid about my virginity,” Colton says. “But since there are two of us now in this relationship, we’re going to keep that to ourselves.”

“I’ll take that as a yes!” Harrison says, and then fucking chortles.

Then, you guys, it gets weirder.

I know.

You’re like, “How, Elyse?”

Chris Harrison announces a special surprise. A live performance from the band Air Supply.

From the kitchen my husband yells, “WHAT THE FUCK IS EVEN GOING ON RIGHT NOW?”

IDK man. Maybe this is a tie-in to the new Twilight Zone. I feel like I’m being pranked.

After commercial, Chris Harrison introduces our new Bachelorette, Hannah B. If you remember, Hannah B struggles to speak extemporaneously, and tonight is no different. There’s a lot of super awkward, long pauses and Harrison looks like he wants Air Supply to come back.

Earlier this season, Colton asked Hannah B to make a toast and she stared at the camera for like five minutes before whispering, panicked, “Roll tide?”

“If someone knew me and knew my heart…I….yeah,” Hannah B says.

So I guess we have that to look forward to.

Then we get to meet Hannah B’s first five “suitors.”

First up is Luke, who tells Hannah B that she was the only one he wanted to the next Bachelorette.

Then it’s Dustin, who brings Hannah a glass of champagne. He tells her he’s not good at toasts either.

Cam from Austin, Texas is up next and…I am not making this up…he freestyle raps for her. It’s super bad, you guys.  I want to crawl inside my own skin and die.

Connor is next. He’s super tall and he brings out a bedazzled step stool so they can be “on the same level” and “see eye to eye.”

Then… I thought this couldn’t get worse…but it does.

We get this guy who looks a lot like Nick Viall. His name is Luke S. He says, “I don’t go down south often, but for you, I’d go down anytime.”

So that just happened. On live TV.

Chris Harrison comes back onstage. “I didn’t love that,” he says of Luke S’s comment.

Hannah hands out her first rose to Cam because she “really liked how you pumped up the jams.” The other dudes don’t go home, they will still be at the McMansion.

And then, thank the Rose God, it’s over with.

For the record, Cassie seemed legitimately giddy at the LA recording, but up until that point I really felt uncomfortable with how Colton was pushing her in a direction she had clearly articulated she did not want to go. She’s on her own in Portugal, and Colton, along with the entire crew (I would guess) are pressuring her to do something she doesn’t want to for the sake of the show. It makes me feel more than a little sick even thinking about it.

Then you add in Air Supply and … I don’t even know anymore.

So what were your thoughts on this season? Squicky? True Love? Something in between?