Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S23 E11: I’m Done With This

Happy Monday everyone! Can you believe our Bachelor journey is almost complete? It’s a two-night special event, but due to a scheduling conflict I can’t recap the second part until Wednesday. Sorry.

If you watched last week (and I’m so sorry if you did) then you know that Colton had a Fantasy Suite date with Tayshia, but didn’t lose his virginity to her because he wasn’t in love yet. Then he admitted he was in love with Cassie, except Cassie was having doubts…namely because her family was having doubts.

Rather than pick up a fucking phone, Cassie’s dad flew all the way to Portugal to tell her he thought all of this was a pretty bad idea (no shit) , and Cassie had a well-deserved meltdown. She told Colton she wasn’t sure how she felt about him and decided to leave.

Colton had a meltdown too and admitted he wanted Cassie to “be the one” at the end of show. Then after she left he jumped a fence (that opened from the inside) and disappeared into the Portuguese wilderness while Chris Harrison looked kind of impressed. By the way, did you see this?

https://philadelphia.cbslocal.com/2019/03/08/gritty-colton-fence-jump-challenge/

Anyway, did you get all of that? I hope so, because we’re about to start this shitshow.

We open with shaky-handheld camera shots of a dark road. Dogs bark in the background. In a voiceover Chris Harrison tells us this season finale is “heartbreaking.”

Doubtful.

I’d like to point out that my husband, who has stoically endured this season with me, rarely drinks. Maybe a glass of wine on occasion. Tonight he reached way up into the cabinet and pulled out some 94 proof bourbon, so yeah. That’s a pretty good barometer of where we’re at.

“How is it possible to end with a heartbroken Bachelor lost in the Portuguese countryside?” Harrison asks.

IDK CHRIS. YOU WERE FUCKING IN CHARGE NOW WEREN’T YOU?

Production people are yelling “Colton! Colton come back!”

Chris Harrison starts flat out running down a dark, unpaved road which seems super unsafe. He comes up on a van and asks the passenger if he’s seen someone come this way. The guy says, “Um, no,” while clearly wondering WTF is going on and if he should call the police.

“I think we should get in cars!” says Harrison, who seems fucking delighted that this show has finally jumped the shark and he gets to do something other than let us know when we’re down to the final rose. THANKS, CHRIS.

They’re filming in a rural location so there’s no exterior lighting. It’s basically a gravel lane with fields and some fencing on either side. It’s super dark.

Colton could break his leg, and then Harrison would have to put him down like a prized racehorse.

As people yell for Colton dogs go insane and then a rooster crows. I’m willing to bet whoever lives in this area is fucking pissed off because it’s bad enough when the dogs are upset, but then you get the rooster going?

It’s 11:40 p.m. (per Harrison) and roosters are notorious assholes.

Harrison gets into a van and a female staff member says, “I cannot believe he hopped the fence.”

Me, either. You could see how it opened from the inside.

“Well, he’s an athletic football player,” offers Dude Voice #1. We’re gonna call him Crockett.

A quieter male voice, let’s call this one Tubbs, says, “It’s disappointing. If he wants to behave that way…”

“He could just hide behind a wall,” Crockett says.

“He ripped his mic off,” the female voice adds.

We see Harrison talking on his phone. He lets whoever is on the other end (totally The Rose God) know that they’re going to keep looking for thirty minutes before calling the police.

HAS ANYONE CHECKED THE FREE STANDING SHOWER DISPLAY AT LOWES?

Then we’re back to the van and the female voice lets us know “We’ve got a dark figure down the road! Don’t let him off the road!”

I…what?

“What do we do?” asks Tubbs, frantic. It’s like he’s being asked to clip the guy with the van to slow him down.

The female producer jumps out of the van and approaches Colton.

“Don’t touch me right now!” he snaps and holds out his hand.

“I just want to know if you’re okay,” she says.

HE’S OBVIOUSLY NOT OKAY, KAREN.

Word gets to Harrison that they found Colton and a van picks him up and takes him to the errant Bachelor. Kinda like an amused dad following their six-year-old who is running away from home, Harrison asks Colton where he’s going. You can tell “buddy” is at the end of that question too.

“I don’t know. I have my phone and my wallet and that’s it,” Colton says.

I mean, if you’re running away, honestly those are pretty great things to have. I’d also go with a stack of cash and a fake ID, but it’s not like we planned this.

“I’m fucking done,” Colton says.

“Okay, we can be done,” Harrison says gently. “But we’re not walking back to the hotel.”

Colton gets into the van where a bunch of people stick cameras in his face while he cries.

“I’ve been through enough of knowing I’m not enough for a long time,” he says in a wavering voice, “and every reminder just makes me stronger so I’m okay with it.”

“What part of tonight makes you feel like you’re not enough?” Harrison asks.

“Every time I put myself out there, I get fucking rejected,” Colton tells him. “I literally said I love her and she said ‘I love you too. Goodbye.'”

WE ARE EIGHTEEN MINUTES INTO THIS PEOPLE.

Chris Harrison then points out that both Tayshia and Hannah G have told Colton they love him.

“I can’t do this. I’m done,” Colton replies.

Colton gets into an idling car (I hope it’s one associated with the show and not someone parked to find out WTF the rooster was going on about) and it pulls away.

We go to commercial and then return to Algarve, Portugal in the daylight. Chris Harrison knocks on a hotel door and Colton opens it.

“What’s up, brother?” Harrison asks, and I reflexively want to punch him.

Dewey lets out this sleepy little groan noise from Rich’s lap and it’s probably gas-related, but also he might feel the same way.

Colton looks tired.

“Last night was wild. I was just worried about you. I’ve never seen anything like that,” Harrison says.

“I just needed time to be alone and process what’s going on, and really figure out how my relationship was with Cassie. Because last night I didn’t want to go on without her. I’ve been through a lot this past year and every time something good happens for me or to me, it’s always followed by something bad,” Colton says.

Colton tells Harrison that he was falling in love with Tayshia, but really was in love with Cassie and that her wanting to leave “really cemented” that for him. He thinks Cassie left because of the two other women.

“What if, bottom line, she’s just not that into you?” asks Harrison.

“I think I have a pretty good gut instinct,” says Colton who was going to propose to a woman who hadn’t said she loved him, had clearly been having second thoughts, doesn’t have family approval, and who he’s been told by multiple people isn’t really here for him. “I think she loves me,” he adds.

Then he says he doesn’t want to be without Cassie.  He says he wants not only to tell her, but to show her.

Then we get a shot of Colton knocking on a door. Tayshia, clearly surprised, answers.

Tayshia can see that Colton is clearly upset and she tries to comfort him, which, girl. Colton tells her that he owes her respect and honesty.

Colton says that he was falling for her, but that in his heart he can’t love two people and he loves Cassie.

“I’m sorry. You don’t deserve that, you don’t, ” Colton says.

Tayshia smirks like she’s thinking about eating his face.

Tayshia asks if they can talk without all the cameras, so they go in her room except they’re still mic’d. Colton immediately breaks down sobbing and Tayshia comforts him. She asks him not to cry and tells him it’s okay.

WHY?

“I don’t even know what to say, honestly, right now,” she says and then she starts crying.

This makes Colton cry harder.

“No, it’s fine,” she says.

The rest is just a lot of muffled sobbing and occasionally squeaky noises.

“I don’t wanna go though this,” Tayshia sobs. “I don’t wanna.”

JESUS. Where’s the 94 proof bourbon?

They spend some time hugging and crying outside the room. Tayshia keeps whispering, “Oh my God. Oh my God.”

Colton leaves. Tayshia grabs her stuff and heads for the Limo of Tears.

We get a commercial and then we’re in a studio in LA where Colton and Tayshia are going to meet for the first time since their “breakup.”

Tayshia starts off by talking to Chris Harrison. She says she was in love with Colton and she was surprised when he broke things off with her.

Harrison asks her about how she took a caretaker role during the breakup, reassuring Colton. She gives a vague answer about “journeys” and IDEK.

Then Colton comes out. He’s doing something weird with his hair. It’s not a good look.

Tayshia asks him what was missing in their relationship. Colton says that he “gave all myself” to Cassie and couldn’t be “half-in” with her.

Tayshia says she wishes him the best. She’s being incredibly gracious during this whole thing and I kind of wish she’d bawl him out.

Then Chris Harrison reminds us that we still have to watch Colton break up with Hannah G and honestly there’s not enough booze in the world for this.

We open with Hannah G saying how she’s never felt this way about anyone before and that she’s really looking forward to their Fantasy Suite date. She’s writing in her journal, presumably about how much she loves Colton. I’m going to secretly wish it’s Wonder Woman/ Steve Trevor/ Steve Rogers fanfic, but probably not.

Then Colton knocks on her hotel room door. He says he wants to talk to her, and they go and sit on her couch. He tells her that she’s been his rock through this “journey.”

Then he says, “I realize that I can’t be in love with two people, and where my feelings are in another relationship is at a stronger point than where I’m at with you. I realized that I loved Cassie.”

Hannah G’s jaw literally drops.

Then, mystifyingly, Colton says, “I thought it was going to be you. You still remind me of home.”

WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?

“I don’t feel like this is happening right now,” Hannah G says. “I’m really thrown off right now.”

Hannah G says that she was so excited to be with him, that her family was excited, and that she was willing to move to “wherever.” I think Denver, but okay.

After Colton leaves he breaks down sobbing in the hallway while some instrumental music plays.

“Are you okay?” asks a female PA?

“I’m scared,” he sobs.

She hugs him, which I assumed was not allowed. I thought touching the Bachelor was like taking selfies with a jaguar, but I guess all bets are off at this point. She might be slipping a tracker into his pocket, just in case.

My husband rubs his face, “Are they playing Ashes?” he asks miserably.

Jesus. They might be.

“This is literally how much I love Cassie, is that I’m willing to walk away from someone that great,” Colton says.

Honest to God, this might be the worst episode ever.

We cut back to LA where Hannah G is sitting on a couch, crying. She says she’s been dreading watching that footage for months.

Hannah G talks for quite awhile about how horrible the breakup was because she really thought she was going to wind up with Colton in the end, and how watching the season and having people talk to her about him makes it even worse. I’m not going to recap it word for word because it’s pretty painful. And I’m tired.

She says that she watched the show previously and thought a lot of it was built up for drama, but that she really did fall in love with Colton.

So then Colton comes back out with his dumb haircut.

Hannah G calls him on his comment that he “thought it was us the whole time.”

“I think, with you, it was the realization of how much I gave myself to someone else, that I couldn’t continue, knowing that I wasn’t all in,” he tells her. Then he tells her she doesn’t deserve to be a backup plan.

Well, that’s nice.

Hannah G asks if they just needed more time together.

Colton says, “I got caught up in playing by the unwritten rules of The Bachelor, and but this is our real lives and you deserve honesty.” He says that when Cassie broke up with him he was done because their relationship was more important to him than the show.

“What Cassie did to you, is what you did to me,” Hannah G replies.

Hannah finishes off their segment by saying the show taught her what she deserves and that she wants a man who will jump a fence for her.

“It’s been an emotional night, and there’s a lot more to come,” Chris Harrison says.

I FUCKING HOPE NOT.

We got to commercial and then when we come back Colton is gone, but four other former Bachelors are onstage with Chris Harrison. They talk about how tough the end of the season is because you’re tired and emotional and blah blah blah

So then Chris Harrison says that Colton is single and still a virgin, “just like he was when we started this show.”

What a troll.

Then we cut back to Portugal and Colton says, “It’s over. All of this is over. We started with over thirty women, and all of them left me.”

Actually, like, four of them left, you broke up with the others, dude.

Then we see Cassie packing her bags. She says she doesn’t regret her choice because she can’t commit to him right now and she doesn’t want him basing any decisions on her. She can’t wait to “be with family, be back home, and move on with my life.”

Then we cut to Colton crying (again) saying, “I want Cassie.”

Colton says he didn’t fight as hard as he could have in his past relationships, but he’s doing that now.

“I don’t know if I’m fighting for something that’s not possible,” he says. “But I’m willing to do anything and everything because that’s how much I love Cassie.”

The episode ends with Colton knocking on Cassie’s door.

(Ed note: I’m definitely not the target audience for this show, but I can’t help notice that the editing of this production make it clear that Cassie saying no is meaningless, while Colton saying no is unquestionable. That’s disgusting. This is like a bad version of two of my least favorite tropes: “I’m going to fight for you (aka fight with you) to change your mind,” and “I have a difficult feeling and I don’t know what to do about it except blame everyone else for my actions.” UGH.) 

So that’s it for the night. We’ve got one more episode left.

Rich is tipsy and just suggested someone make a book of cross stitch patterns of dumb quotes from this show.

(Ed. note: I could do that, but then I’d have to watch the show.)

I think maybe he needs to go to bed.

Are you still watching?