Elyse Watches The Bachelor– S23 E5: 525,600 Showers

It’s Monday night and I’m going to watch The Bachelor so you don’t have to. My love for the Bitchery is strong.

There are other things I could be doing, of course, better things.

I could be napping. I could be dreaming that I got to quit my day job because Outlander hired me to do all their hand knits. I could be reading. I could be eating paste.

But no, I’m watching Colton on his journey to…

Excuse me

His journey to true love.

We open up in Khao Lak, Thailand. All the ladies walk up the beach to their resort. Meanwhile Colton is showering outside again. There have been five episodes so far and Colton has taken at least 10 showers. I feel like he has no discernible personality so the producer on hand was like “IDK, just…uh, get in the water, man.”

The first one-on-one date goes to Heather who is also a virgin (take a drink) and also hasn’t been kissed (take another one, you don’t want to do this sober).

Colton and Heather get on a boat. She tells the camera that this is the kind of romantic setting she’d want for her first kiss.

We cut back to the resort where Other Elyse is having a hard time. She already had her one-on-one with Colton, so while she’s still in the game she basically has to sit back and watch him date other women now. She says she’s struggling with the competition and looking for validation from Colton.

Other Elyse, as a fellow Elyse, I’d like to take this moment to talk to you. You don’t need Colton’s validation. The man doesn’t have a job and his biggest selling point is that he hasn’t had sex yet. That’s literally the most exciting thing about him. He works out and showers and that’s about it. Think about your future water bill. Think about how enormous your hot water heater will need to be. Colton doesn’t have a job. He’s not going to help you pay for all that hot water.

Other Elyse, you are at a beautiful resort in Thailand with unlimited access to alcohol. Bribe someone to find you a book, grab an entire bottle (or two) of sauvignon blanc, and head down the beach. One of the other contestants can make sure you’ll still under the shade of the umbrella when you take a little wine nap. Take care of yourself, Other Elyse.

Anyway, Heather and Colton go to Phang Nga and shop in a marketplace. They eat a lunch of shrimp and Heather reflects that she’d be happy if Colton kissed her.

So in a truly horrifying choice, the camera decides to zoom in on Colton’s mouth the entire time he’s eating and making loud, wet smacky sounds. I HATE the sound of people chewing, crunching, slurping or just eating in general. Even the sound of a spoon scraping on a bowl (looks pointedly at husband) makes me clench my teeth in rage. Listening to Colton wetly stuff his chew hole with shrimp is making me want to commit murder.

Later Colton and Heather sit on a dock and look out at the horizon and don’t really talk.

“There’s rocks,” Colton finally contributes.

Yes, Colton, there are rocks out there. Good work, bud.

“Mmm,” says Heather.

The highlight of dating for me was always when we’d point at inanimate objects together.

“Mmm,” says Heather again.

So then at dinner, Colton asks Heather about her past relationships. There’s not much of a story; she dated a guy for eight months after college, but they never really connected. She didn’t plan on being 23 and never having been kissed; it just kinda happened. Then Colton says he’s concerned about “that moment.” Let’s take a poll and decide what he means by “that moment.”

Ed. note: we reached our maximum poll input numbers, but scroll down for the consensus on what Colton meant.

Colton gives Heather the date rose and hugs her, and then they decide to take a walk on the beach.

“What are those lights out there?” Colton asks Heather as they look at the ocean.

“I don’t know. Are they boats? So funny…” she muses.

Jesus Christ.

This is excruciating.

Then they both jump as fireworks go off. Colton leans down and kisses Heather, and at least we don’t have to hear it over the fireworks exploding.

“Literally, there was fireworks,” Heather says.

Back at the resort Other Elyse is still struggling with not getting one-on-one time with Colton. Heather returns and tells the other women that Colton kissed her. Elyse storms out of the room. She walks across the resort to Colton’s room, and he invites her inside.

Other Elyse says she’s struggling and “I can’t call Chris Harrison and say I went every one-on-one for the next year.”

Can you imagine if this show lasted a year?

Colton says he’s been in her place and he gets how she feels. Then Other Elyse says it’s not about jealousy or insecurity.

Other Elyse admits that she hoped she’d talk to Colton and he’d tell her that he didn’t feel a connection with her.

“I don’t give up on relationships. Especially ones I’m genuinely excited for,” Colton says.

“I can’t accept a proposal after a few months of sharing your time and attention with other people,” Other Elyse admits. “I just can’t do it. I listen to these girls talk about how much they’re falling in love with you. This isn’t working for me.”

Colton puts his face in his hands,  and then walks Other Elyse to the door. They tearfully hug. She gets into the Limo of Tears and says she feels disgusted with herself. I’m not sure why. You should take a bottle of wine to go, honey.

Colton goes back into his room and probably takes another shower.

The next morning Colton tapes himself selfie-style, sitting on the patio and says he’s struggling with Other Elyse’s departure.

Then it’s time for the group date. Colton meets a group of women in the jungle.

“This is not some park, this is not a trail,” says Colton while walking on what is unmistakably a pre-cleared trail. “I want my future wife to go on adventures with me.”

They meet up with a man named Joe who is going to teach them jungle survival skills. They find water and start a fire with dried dung. Hannah B eats a grub like it’s nobody’s goddamn business. Nicole pulls an eel out of a hole with her bare hands. Tayshia picks up a scorpion.

These women are not fucking around.

Colton kinda backs up and away from them.

Then they divide up into three groups with the objective of finding food and water. Team Hannah B, Hannah G and Demi note that the instructions weren’t super specific and take a van back to the hotel where they get cocktails and burgers and bring them back to Colton.

As they walk to the cocktail hour, Colton asks them if they enjoyed getting cleaned up. “Wasn’t that the best shower of your life?” he says wistfully.

Hannah B tells Colton that she’s falling in love with him and they kiss. It’s real moist sounding.

Sitting on the drinking couch Onyeka tells Demi that before she left, Other Elyse gave her some dirt on Nicole and she feels like she has to tell Colton.

Onyeka tells him that Other Elyse was her best friend in the house. She says Nicole told Other Elyse that she was only on the show to find opportunities and to get out of Miami.

“That’s tough to hear,” Colton says.

Colton confronts Nicole who starts crying and tells him that it’s not true.

Onyeka goes back to the drinking couch and tells the other ladies what she did.

Tayshia says, “Well that’s awkward because I was there for that conversation and Nicole never said any of that. All she was that you have to take opportunities that can change your life.”

“Really,” Onyeka says flatly.

Nicole comes back and asks Onyeka why she’s spreading rumors.

“I’m not spreading rumors,” Onyeka says. “I’m just telling them what I was told.”

Which is the definition of a rumor, I think.

Tayshia takes Nicole to get some air. And booze.

“I’ve been nothing but honest and real in this process,” Nicole says.

Onyeka double downs and says that Other Elyse wouldn’t have told her that if she didn’t think that’s what Nicole meant, and also that she’s annoyed by all of Nicole’s crying.

“She literally cries every day,” says Onyeka.

Colton comes over and gives Hannah B the group date rose.

Next up is Cassie’s one-on-one date with Colton. They take a boat to a private island where they spend a lot of time making out.

Colton describes himself as insanely attracted to Cassie. They get into the water and make out some more.

At dinner Colton tells Cassie that he had an amazing time. Cassie admits that she’s not a virgin and that members of her family might watch the show and judge her for it. Apparently virginity or lack thereof is a much bigger deal than I thought it was. I can honestly say that I never considered that my family might contemplate my virginity (or lack thereof) when I was in my early twenties. I realize Cassie might have grown up in a different environment, but it just feels so incredibly squicky to me, and I don’t like the value the show is assigning to being a virgin. We’ve seen Colton in the shower like 9000 times already and watched him make out with a bunch of people, so the show clearly is about sexualizing the relationships and people in it, but then it flips things around and talks about “sexual purity” like it’s super, super important.

It’s weird, inconsistent, and frankly gross.

To add to the weirdness, we then cut to Colton’s room where he and Cassie are laying in bed together, fully clothed, under the blankets. They make out some more.

I’m not opposed to a good cuddle sesh under the covers, but the fact that Colton is still wearing a button up shirt makes the whole thing look a little…sweaty? I guess?

He gives the date rose to Cassie.

Colton says, “My heart is telling me to go on.”

Sorry guys. I have to.

Then it’s time for the pre-Dreaded Rose Ceremony cocktail party. Demi gives Colton “trust rings” to indicate her desire to communicate openly. Tayshia and Colton release a lantern over the ocean. Kirpa, a dental hygienist, inspects Colton’s teeth.

“You’ve got some bread in there,” she tells him.

Nicole takes Colton aside and tells him that she really is there to find a husband. She specifies that she’s not looking for an “Instagram husband,” which is a thing I didn’t know existed. Then she says Onyeka has been bullying her.

Colton goes and talks to Onyeka. He says that Nicole told him that she bullies and belittles her.

“It’s all lies,”Onyeka says. She says she doesn’t want to talk about Nicole, and then says Nicole isn’t a good person and isn’t there with genuine intentions.

So then Nicole and Onyeka talk…God, this is exhausting...So Nicole told Colton that Onyeka called her mentally unstable, when I guess what she really asked is whether or not she was emotionally ready for a relationship. IDK. Can I just drink straight from the bottle now? There’s a lot of arguing. The argument gets loud and Colton intervenes.

All the other ladies are watching and tipping back their drinks.

Colton tries to talk to them but they keep fighting. Finally he get ups and storms away.

Onyeka and then Nicole follow him and try to stop him. He says he needs time and keeps walking. He paces down the beach, looking for a soothing outdoor shower.

“I’m over it,” he mutters.

And that’s where tonight ends. No one was eliminated and we left Colton alone in the dark.

My husband is medicated right now, eating a box of Runts and cuddling the cat. “I think they’re getting too fancy with the formula this season,” he observes. I have no idea what he means by that, so I’m going probably tuck him into bed now.

Are you still watching? How many showers did you take today?

And aw, don’t worry – we won’t leave you hanging! Here are our guesses about “The Moment.”