Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S23 E03: WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW

Welcome to Monday night everyone, the night I watch The Bachelor so you don’t have to.

I learned some things about the McMansion today.

1. They can’t run the AC because it messes with the sound.

2. There are a grand total of four bathrooms in the entire place.

That’s five women to a bathroom. With no AC.

Also Colton spent an entire day filming shower shots. Bet he was pruny.

Anyway, grab your favorite adult beverage, herbal tea, or pint of ice cream–whatever you need to make it through this garbage-fest because we’re jumping right in. Since the title of this recap is in all caps, I’m sure you can tell that things got…weird.

Chris Harrison wanders out of the catacombs beneath the McMansion (where he sleeps) and delivers the first date card. He lets us know there will be three dates this week. Great.

Caelynn and Hannah B will be on the same group date which is a big deal because apparently they were both in the Miss USA pageant, were roommates, and had a falling out.

So everyone gets on a bus and they go to a place called Pirate’s Dinner Adventure.

God, I wish I was making this next part up.

Okay so they go inside and there’s a stage with a fake pirate ship on it and fake thunder and lightning and Colton is on the ship wearing a pirate costume where his shirt is unbuttoned but tucked in. I think I’d have less second-hand embarrassment if he was onstage playing along with the animatronic Chuck E Cheese band.

On the other hand, I’m sure Mr. E. Cheese was approached and declined because he’s far too classy for this nonsense.

So the announcer says that this is the story of Captain Colton and I just…. There’s some fake stunt work and Colton beats up some “sailors” and…Colton is a really bad actor. He has, like, two lines to deliver and its physically painful to listen to. I want to go home. And I am home. I want to crawl under my blanket and never come out.

The contestants are told they are going to do pirate training and then two finalists will compete for “Colton’s heart.”

So the women have to do some basic stunt work like knocking each other off a balance beam with foam quarterstaffs. While dressed as pirates.

I am at a place in my life where there is literally no man on earth who could tempt me into doing gymnastics while in a shitty corset and falling into stunt water that I suspect is dubiously clean.

So Hannah B is seriously knocking this stunt work out of the park when she notices Caelynn flirty play-fighting with Colton. She’s not amused.

“I didn’t come here to compete in another pageant,” she says.

YES. YOU DID. THAT IS THE LITERALLY THE ENTIRE PREMISE OF THE SHOW JFC.

Then to top it off, the judges pick Caelynn and Tracy to compete for…ugh “Captain Colton’s heart”…sorry had to swallow some bile there, while Hannah B has been kicking ass all day with her foam quarterstaff.

So a crowd comes in and Caelynn and Tracy do some stunt work. Colton is tied to the mast and honestly guys, there is an opportunity right here to leave him and go back to the McMansion and drink. 

Instead Caelynn “rescues” him.

So then it’s time for the cocktail party which takes place in, I shit you not, an antiques store. There are so many ottomans in this place. Like at least three ottomans per contestant in every shot. It’s weird.

Demi asks Tracy if, as an older woman, she’s uncomfortable being around a bunch of younger women. Tracy is 31, by the way. Demi is 23. I’m soooo exhausted by the idea that women compete with each other like this. Cuz you know what? We don’t. This is all manufactured crapola.

So then Demi gets some one-on-one time Colton. She blindfolds him and then spanks him with a paddle which upon pausing and closer inspection turns out to be a wooden cheese tray.

Then she takes a mannequin hand (an actual dismembered mannequin hand) and drags it down his body while asking, “Are you nervous?”

WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?

Like, kudos to Demi for making use of whatever she can find in her immediate environment, but spanking someone with a cheese tray (which means she had to remove THE DELICIOUS CHEESES) and then groping them with a plastic hand is kinda intense for their second date ever. I personally don’t break out the disassembled mannequin parts until date five. You gotta ease a man into your weird, you know?

“I’m the only one who challenges Colton and excites him and makes him nervous,” Demi says. YOU’RE MAKING ME FUCKING NERVOUS, DEMI. PUT THE DISMEMBERED HAND BACK WHERE YOU FOUND IT.

My husband, in horror, asks quietly, “What if she brought it with her?”

So we cut back to the McMansion and Other Elyse (the Lesser Elyse, frankly) gets a one-on-one date with Colton.

Okay, back to the antique store (the location scouts are not doing a great job this season), Caelynn and Colton have some alone time and he kisses her. Because they are both mic’d it’s super loud and gross sounding.

Hannah B says she’s “so shook” because Caelynn isn’t showing Colton her true side. Lady, Demi just stuck a plastic hand down his pants and he’s unfazed. It’s gonna take a lot to upset him at this point.

So in a plan that has never, ever, ever worked on any season of this show, Hannah B sits down with Colton to talk shit about Caelynn.

And here’s the thing: I like to think that before this season started, Caelynn and Hannah B, who are super BFFs IRL, entered into a pact that they would play arch enemies. That means both of them will be sent home around episode five, which is enough time to get some Instagram promo jobs and drink a fuckton of sauvignon blanc without worrying about the fantasy suite. That’s my theory anyway, and this article supports it.

Except Hannah B isn’t a good extemporaneous speaker (as we know) and the worst thing she can come up with about Caelynn is that rooming with her felt like “a hostile environment.” Colton basically asks her, “yeah but what did she do?” and Hannah B is just like “um….” Then she leans in for a super awkward kiss.

So Colton talks to Caelynn alone again and she starts crying and just says that she and Hannah B handled competition differently.

All of the other women are sitting uncomfortably around a table, surrounded by a sea of fucking ottomans, when Colton walks over and grabs the date rose without talking to any of them. He then gives the rose to Caelynn who is waiting over by the other ottomans.

“I probably just ruined my chances,” Hannah B says.

After a commercial we cut back to the McMansion where Caelynn is still crying about how Hannah B sabotaged her date…except she got the rose.

On the opposite side of the pool, Hannah B is telling Heather that she thinks she blew her shot with Colton.

Now we’re on the date between Lesser Elyse and Colton. They take a helicopter to San Diego where they go to Belmont Park, which has been closed just for them. Colton tells her this is really a group date, because SURPRISE, he’s invited a fuckton of kids!

I cannot tell you how awful this would be. I’m not a fan of small children in general, let alone a bunch of kids I’ve never met WHO ARE ALL SCREAMING AT THE SAME TIME. Lesser Elyse and Colton are surrounded by no less than six kids under the age of ten at all times.

Colton runs a foundation for kids with cystic fibrosis, and some of the kids are affiliated with the foundation. He says that he works to get the kids out of the hospital for day trips like this, and I’m not saying that’s not wonderful. I just don’t want to be ambushed by two dozen small children when I was expecting alone time. I’ve got to prepare myself mentally for that and probably bring some Excedrin along.

It also feels like Colton is testing Lesser Elyse’s mothering abilities which squicks me out.

At dinner Colton asks Lesser Elyse how she became so strong and independent, and she tells him that her sister was pregnant when she found out she had cancer. She decided to forgo treatment in order to bring the pregnancy to term and died shortly after she gave birth.

Colton tells her that she has a natural motherly instinct.

Lesser Elyse’s story is heartbreaking, but again I feel like this is an exploratory conversation about her desire/willingness to be a mom, which is super uncomfortable. Colton seems way less interested in who she is as a person as how she feels about children generally. It makes me feel like he’s checking boxes (I mean, he is, that’s the show) but it gets extra gross when it has to do with someone’s ability and interest in procreation.

I was honestly more comfortable with the mannequin groping.

Colton gives her the date rose.

So then we get a pop up concert with a country singer I’ve never heard of, and Colton and Lesser Elyse have to dance in front of a huge crowd.

After the next commercial, we get a bunch of shots of a shirtless Colton working out and he says, “You don’t have to be the fittest person to be my wife but–”

And I don’t hear what he says next because I start drinking straight from the bottle.

This is literally everything we know about Colton so far:

1. he wants kids

2. he likes to work out

3. he showers like six times a day

4. he’s a virgin.

That is the sum total of his personality.

So the women for the second group date show up to a gym where Colton is waiting outside, shirtless.

One of the women, and God I wish I could catch who it is, says, “You run out of clothes?” in the most  unimpressed voice ever. It’s the best little slip up in the world.

Waiting inside the gym are Terry and Rebecca Crews. They walk the women through a fitness regimen, and honestly Terry’s charisma and positivity makes Colton look like a bowl of tepid pudding by comparison.

So after they warm up, they go outside where a crowd is waiting for them around a fitness challenge.

Honestly, at this point I’d just say fuck it and go home. It looks hot outside. The Crewses seem nice, but I’d need to find a Starbucks. I’d just say something about having to pee, then walk to the nearest cellphone store, buy a phone, get a Lyft, and go spend the rest of the day drinking iced coffee at the bookstore. They’d have to send some poor camera person after me probably, but I’d get them a coffee too.

If Corrine can nap through a Dreaded Rose Ceremony then I think I can opt out of the fitness challenge.

Calling the action are Chris Harrison and Fred Willard, and I’ll be honest, I’m not sure Fred knows where he’s at. I’d make a joke here, but it’d be mean because I’m being serious. I’m concerned for the guy.

First up they push a 100 lb wedding cake on a sled. Then there’s a tire painted like an engagement ring that they have to flip. Later the women are strapped into a harness and have to pull a limo.

The three finalists Sydney, Catherine and Onyeka have to run a race while carrying a medicine ball and Onyeka wins.

Then it’s time for the cocktail portion of the date. Colton says he needs a strong woman who can put her foot down and call him out on his mistakes. So at this point I’m thinking he’s looking for–and I hate to say this–“a mom he can fuck.” That’s the exact same person Nick Viall was looking for, too. A woman who could presumably bear his children and also parent him since he’s an “adorable” man child. Where’s Demi and the cheeseboard? That was less icky than this.

Colton pretty much kisses everyone and talks about how he has chemistry with each of the women. He uses the word “chemistry” about 20 times in five minutes. We still have forty minutes left of this, you guys.

The only person he doesn’t seem to connect with is Caitlin. Colton asks the requisite leading question that usually leads to the contestant to reveal the tragedy that has befallen them in life.

Caitlin says, “I don’t really know what to open up about other than the fact that my life has been, like, good.”

“Oh fuck,” says my husband. “She doesn’t have a sob story. She can’t move on to the next round.”

He’s right. Colton says he doesn’t “feel the chemistry.”

Make something up Caitlin! One contestant literally told the story of how she got stuck in a bumper car. That was her tragic backstory!

With a sigh, Colton says “Oh shoot,” and sends Caitlin home. She’s stunned. The other women freak out when the Black SUV of Tears of pulls up.

“I don’t know if I want to hold your hand, Colton,” she snaps when he reaches for her.

Then the group date rose goes to Nicole.

The next morning everyone is drinking their coffee like life depends on it (doesn’t it?) when Chris Harrison appears and tells them instead of a cocktail party, they will have a pool party.

“Colton will have his shirt off!” Chris chirps.

So Demi oils up Colton’s naked chest, while Caelynn and Hannah B foster their fake feud thing.

“There’s a beautiful monster inside of me,” Hannah B says, “and today it’s going to come out. There’s a tank of rage. It’s full.”

JESUS CHRIST.

Then she full on growls like a panther.

I repeat: WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?

I kind of think when someone says their “rage tank” is full, we’re looking at a murder. Also who just has the terms “beautiful monster” and “rage tank” readily at hand, but then can’t make even the most banal small talk with a dude?

Me and my new best friend, Hannah B, clearly.

Let’s fuck some shit up, Hannah.

So then Colton talks to Caelynn and it’s clear she and Hannah B didn’t spend a ton of time coming up with the specifics of their “feud.” Caelynn basically tells him that Hannah B was jealous when Caelynn was a runner up but she didn’t place in Miss USA, and that the friendship fell apart due to that.

Colton says he didn’t see that side of her on their one-on-one and that concerns him.

So then he goes and talks to Hannah B.

Colton tells her that Caelynn called her manipulative, deceitful and toxic. He asks why Caelynn would say those things if they weren’t true.

Colton, as it turns out, doesn’t know what lying is.

So Hannah B says that Caelynn is deceitful and says, “Just freaking trust me. I’m telling you the truth.”

Colton is all sweaty and irritated and quasi-storms out. Then we get a shaky shot of Colton talking to a PA about how frustrated he is. “I’m not getting clarity at all!” he snaps. Chris Harrison wanders into frame to offer his wisdom.

It sounds like a dad asking his son why he’s having a melt down. Every now and then we get this little tiny edge to Colton that makes me think that in private he might be kind of short tempered. Honestly this guy is setting off so many red warning flags with me. There’s something there that my gut is telling me is off.

So then we finally get to the Dreaded Rose Ceremony. Caelynn has a group date rose, which means between the two of them, only Hannah B can be sent home.

The Dreaded Rose Ceremony lasts like a million years because we still have so many contestants and because the show is still drawing out the drama.

Hannah B gets the final rose.

Catherine goes home. Colton tells her to “take care of Lucy.” YOU BETTER TAKE CARE OF HER, CATHERINE. LUCY WAS THE BEST PART OF THIS SHOW. Bri, the woman with the fake Australian accent, and Nina also go home.

And that’s it.

Are you still watching? Did you ever? Or are you here for the recaps? If so, that’s very cool. Glad you’re here. How full is your rage tank?