Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S23 E02: Donkey Sauce

Monday is by far the worst night of the week. First of all, I’m farther away from the weekend, aka “Elyse climbs into her blanket cave with cats and books,” as I will be any other night of the week. Also, it’s The Bachelor.

(Ed. note: And I must confess that Tuesday morning, when I edit these, is the very most excellent morning of the week sometimes.)

This year they ramped up the awfulness by having a virgin Bachelor, Colton. Colton’s virginity is mentioned about every seven minutes. He doesn’t need a personality. He’s a virgin. That’s the only thing we’re supposed to care about. Every single person on the show is fixated on it. People are so obsessed with where his penis hasn’t been that you’d think he’s gonna lose his magic powers once he’s been in a vajayjay a la Terry Goodkind and/or Jane Seymour as Solitaire. I am starting to feel like the only human on earth who doesn’t care where his penis has been.

If you want to be hungover until Wednesday (or possibly hospitalized), feel free to take a drink every time his virginity comes up. I’ll even keep track for you.

The only question I want answered this episode is: how is Lucy? Lucy is contestant Catherine’s dog, a dog she GAVE TO COLTON during the first episode. I think this was meant to be a joke, but some shit just isn’t funny. Also I learned Lucy is ten which makes her a senior pupper. She doesn’t need this chaos and uncertainty in her life. She should be wrapped up in the snuggliest towel on her own lounge chair, luxuriating while Chris Harrison pours her a bowl of chilled artisanal water.

Also, to make this 1000% more painful, I’m using Guy Fieri gifs exclusively in this recap. DONKEY SAUCE!

Anyway, gird your loins, it’s time to get the shit-show started.

So we open with a shirtless Colton filming himself selfie-style in bed talking about how it’s the morning of the first group date. I guess ABC decided they could cheap out on camera people and just give him an iPhone and a selfie stick.

We cut over to the McMansion where Chris Harrison in all his macaroni-orange glory presents the first date card. Seven of the women including Catherine, the dog abandoner, and Bri, the woman faking an Australian accent, are selected and meet Colton at a theater.

Waiting for them onstage is Nick Offerman and Megan Mullally. The ladies are going to do a monologue about a “first” in their life (take a drink). Now the monologue can be about any first, first pet, first kiss, etc.

Megan flat out asks Colton, “Whose the crazy one?”

Colton deflects. Whispering: it’s Demi.

In front of a crowd of 200 people, Colton starts off by doing his monologue about being virgin. Take a drink.

Bri has dropped the Australian accent by the way. We never find out what her monologue is about.

We only get snippets of their performances so it’s hard to even understand what everyone is talking about. Onyeka mentions how she saved Colton from “drowning in bitches” the first night, then Catherine gets up and says “I’m a good swimmer!” and knocks over the mic stand.

I have no idea what just happened.

Tracy talks about how she got into an actual fist fight with another woman over a dating a guy who happened to be a virgin (take a drink).

“I think that is a cautionary tale for the other ladies in the house,” Nick Offerman says.

Last up is Demi. She’s the one who said she hasn’t dated a virgin since she was twelve. So she talks about meeting this guy at a crazy party, but being too afraid to kiss him, but then she decides to live in the moment or whatever and she gets off stage and kisses Colton.

Everyone acts like she murdered someone on stage.

Then it’s time for the cocktail party. Demi steals some one-on-one time first. She and Colton kiss some more on the make-out couch while the other contestants drink as much free booze as possible.

When she comes back out, Demi grabs the group date rose from the table and says, “This is my rose!” while waving it around.

Now, it is an unspoken rule in the Bachelor-verse that you DO NOT TOUCH THE ROSE. You wait for the rose to be given to you. The other women gasp.

Tracy says, “Even to touch it is very rude and disrespectful of Colton.”

Then Tracy pulls Demi aside to talk to her about it.

“The meaning of like what it stands for, is like a lot to everyone,” she says. “And I think everyone just thinks it’s like Colton’s to give to everyone, like no one feels like they should touch it.”

Is…is his penis the rose? Did that happen?

During their one-on-one time Other Elyse tells Colton that the women who are 27-years-old or older are rooming together in what they call “The Cougar Den.” For the record, Colton is 27. The oldest contestant, Tracy, is 31.

I’m 36, so what does that make me? Can I pick my own big cat? I want to be a snow leopard because I’d be toasty in winter and also capable of eating the faces of my enemies. What big cat would you be?

Anyway, back to the show.

Nicole tells Colton that her brother has autism and her relationship with him is super important to her. Colton tells her about his foundation to help kids with cystic fibrosis.

Finally, the group date rose goes to Other Elyse.

When Colton asks, “Elyse, will you accept this rose?” my gorge rises. Like literal stomach acid in my throat.

Hearing me gag a little, my husband looks up from his tablet and says, “A year ago we were in Costa Rica and other people had to do this, you know.”

Sarah and Amanda have forbidden me from ever leaving the country during The Bachelor again. Ever. It’s in our bylaws! I signed them in blood!

(Ed. note: It wasn’t blood. It was wine.)

(Rose God note: I made her say that.)

The next morning the first one-on-one date goes to Hannah B. It’s also her birthday. Yay.

They ride horses up to a conveniently placed hot tub in the middle of nowhere. Seriously, though, who is in charge of hot tub logistics for this show? I feel like I’d be good at that. Maybe they drop it in with a helicopter.

So then Colton asks Hannah B to make a birthday toast and it’s like she forgets what words are. It’s so bad. My second hand embarrassment is INTENSE. Just say “To hot tubs in the middle of fucking nowhere!” then clink glasses! There’s some nervous giggles and awkward staring.

Instead we get agonizing minutes where Hannah B stares straight ahead, unable to think of a single thing to say, face frozen in a smile. I think at one point she whispered “roll tide.” It’s awful.

So then while Hannah changes to get in the hot tub, they cut to Colton who admits the date isn’t going according to plan. The plan being that his date has the ability to speak, I guess.

Here’s the thing, I sympathize with Hannah. I’m shit at small-talk. I look terrified of whoever is talking to me no matter what I do, and then right when I’m trying SUPER HARD to come up with something benign but charming to say, my brain is like “TELL THEM THIS RANDOM SERIAL KILLER FACT!” and I’m like “What?! NO! NO BRAIN” and still I wind up blurting out something like “Did you know that the killer at Hinterkaifeck might also have been an active serial killer in the United States?”

Other terrible small talk fails include:

• facts about my cats that no one cares about
• high-pitched squeaky noises in place of words
• repeating the phrase “cool beans” while sweating
• sometimes, just blurting out that I need to use the bathroom and leaving.

So anyway, back to Hannah B. She’s doing her best. Literally the only thing we know about Colton is that he’s a virgin (sorry, take a drink). Like we don’t even know if he has a last name. He’s not keeping up his end of the deal here, so I guess if any of the women were looking for great conversation, now would be a good time to opt out.

There’s more awkward silence and at one point they press their wet palms together like their trying to play a really slow game of patty cake or something.

Then HORRIBLY Hannah leans forward and WIPES SOMETHING OUT OF COLTON’S EYE.

“There’s a lot of things that are concerning me right now,” Colton says in an aside. Like the fact that she just went for an eye-booger, yeah that was sort of awful.

Back at the McMansion Caelynn tells the girls that she knows Hannah B because they were roommates during the Miss USA pageant. Hannah B was mad Caelynn placed and she didn’t, and then she kinda ghosted Caelynn and now they hate each other I guess.

So then it’s time for dinner. Somehow they go from “hot tub in the middle of fucking nowhere” to the deck of a ship.

More awkward silence ensues. Colton tells her he can sense something is off.

“Yeah,” Hannah B agrees, probably thinking about the raging eye infection Colton apparently has.

“I promise I’m trying,” Hannah B says.

Don’t fucking try for him, Hannah. He’s not worth your effort. Eat your free sushi and drink all the white wine and nap with Lucy by the pool. Seriously, fuck this guy.

By the way, we’re an hour in and we have NO LUCY UPDATE.

So then Hannah asks, “So why are you a virgin?” (take a drink).

“My virginity is one of those things I look at and I accidentally ended up like this,” Colton says (take a drink). “But I’m glad it did.”

Hannah tells him she regrets losing her virginity before marriage (take a drink). “I don’t feel perfect because I can’t give that to somebody,” she admits.

Man, I am too drunk to unpack that. Take two drinks maybe.

I’m so, SO tired of the importance society places on the sexual purity of women. First of all, I don’t think there is such a thing as sexual purity. Secondly, just the valuation of sexual purity is so, so damaging to people who are the victims of sexual violence. ABC is selling this entire season as Colton’s virginity (sorry, take a drink) being the most interesting thing about him and how fucked up is that?

His (potential) eye infection is the second most interesting thing about him.

I don’t have enough rum.

Ugh.

Colton gives Hannah B a rose.

Next up is the second group date at “Camp Bachelor.” They play games like badminton and duck, duck goose. For real.

Then Chris Harrison and “Camp Counselor” Billy Eichner arrive. They announce that they are dividing the women into two teams. The winning team will get to spend a night at “sleepaway” camp with Colton.

Billy pulls Colton over for some one on one time.

“You’re a virgin,” Billy says (take a drink). “You’ve never had a one night…”

“I feel like that’d be awkward,” Colton says.

“No, they’re fantastic, ” Billy replies.

“The last time I was around this many virgins, I was a guest on The View,” Billy adds.

This isn’t excruciating AT ALL!

Then they pull back and reveal that Chris Harrison was sitting slightly behind them, staring at them this whole time. Jesus Christ. This show is the worst.

So then it’s time for the competition. First up is a wheelbarrow race, then a three-legged race. Then it’s time for a canoe race and the red team veers off course.

“It’s like Colton trying to find a vagina!” Billy Eichner yells. “It hasn’t happened yet!” (take a drink).

Colton looks like he wants to die a little.

You signed up for this, pal.

The teams are tied when they get to the tug o’ war.

Team red wins and they pop open some champagne.

That night, Heather is agonizing over the fact that not only is she a virgin (take a drink) she also hasn’t kissed anyone before (take another). Sitting in front of the fire, she reveals all of this to Colton.

Colton, to his credit, actually goes out of his way to make her feel less embarrassed about it.

Back at the McMansion, the Miss USA feud is alive and well. Hannah B is not thrilled that Colton is getting to spend alone time with Caelynn. WTF went down at Miss USA? I feel like there’s a thriller-worthy story of murder and betrayal that we don’t know about. A body with a stiletto heel through the heart, and only two women know what happened….

I’d read the shit outta that.

At the end of the night, the group date rose goes to Heather. Then Colton walks the women to their cabin. They have to share. He gets his own.

One of the women curls up in this super beautiful quilt and I rewind three times just to admire it.

Then we get a shot of Colton back at his house taking a shower. Again. It might even be the same shower shot from last week. IDEK.

Then, freshly toweled, he appears at the cocktail party.

Sydney and Colton are talking when Onyenka blows an air horn interrupting them because she’s “horny.”

The women are only allowed to bring one suitcase for the entire season, and giving up precious space for an air horn is a bold move.

So then Sydney goes back into the house, gets some pots and pans, and interrupts Onyenka by banging those together. When Onyenka refuses to leave she gets a bigger pot to bang on. She’s actually standing there banging a spoon or something on a soup kettle.

Along with that eye infection, Colton likely has damaged hearing in one ear.

Both my cats get up and leave the room at this point.

So then Demi comes out of the house in a robe and interrupts his conversation with Tracy. She says she wants to show Colton something and takes him upstairs.

“I want to show you my fantasy suite!” she says.

Demi gives Colton a backrub, through his dress shirt, while wearing a cocktail dress. I…okay. It looks like the worst backrub ever. Just a lot of noise from his shirt rubbing over the mic.

“Don’t you want to come home to this?” she asks him.

“Mfffmmmmm,” he says, face in a pillow.

Then Demi announces to the group that she just had an amazing time giving Colton a massage. The other women aren’t thrilled, especially Tracy who goes upstairs to cry. Demi tries to talk to her and tells her she’s amazing and that Colton will “love all your stories.”

WTF does that even mean?

What is happening right now?

Is there mescaline in the bruschetta?

My head hurts.

Finally we get to the Dreaded Rose Ceremony. There’s a lot of dramatic music. Tracy cries a lot.

In the end Angelique, Annie, Alex and Erika went home.

So we still have NO LUCY UPDATE. Seriously, has anyone heard about her through social media? Is Lucy okay? I counted eight mentions of virginity in this episode but clearly I wasn’t doing a great job because a Twitter account devoted only to this said we’re at forty three for the season.

There isn’t enough rum in the world.

Are you still watching? Are you sober?