The best time is Cover Snark time.
Amanda: The darkness is his crotch.
Elyse: “Let’s put on the title on top of a smear of cat shit.”
“Really make it look like the cat scooted on it!”
Sarah: “But make sure his nipples point at the title.”
CarrieS: Mr. Stark, I don’t feel so good.
From Sarah Z: I thought he might be wearing powerful flesh colored Spanx that stop right below his nipples, leaving a bizarrely tattooed muffin top of sorts.
Amanda: He’s built like an upside down triangle.
Sarah: I’m very concerned about his neck, or lack thereof.
CarrieS: I thought the tattoos were chest hair and while it’s fine to have tattoos, and it’s fine to have chest hair, tattoos that look like chest hair are just disturbing.
From Melodie: After the horrific male model bus crash the surgeon did the best he could put everything back together. Fabio-Ken-Barron-Skye are happy just to be alive, although they sometimes wish the surgeon hadn’t been Sid from Toy Story.
Elyse: There’s something real wrong with his nipple placement
PAGING DOCTOR NIPS!
Wait. Is that a river of blood?
Sarah: There are a lot of things wrong. Including the fact that his sporran from a distance looks like a see-through hole in his kilt.
Is that Chris Evans’ face?
Elyse: His chest is so upsetting I missed an actual river of blood.
Amanda: How many different body parts are photoshopped together here?
Sarah: So many questions.
Amanda: The river of blood reminds of the Blob. Just scooting around in the background.
Sarah: It does look like The Blob!
CarrieS: Of course there’s a river of blood – he’s clearly about to cut off his own head.
From Carole: Can’t wait for the Smart Bitches to caption this one – chortle every time I see it…
Sarah: This cover is a goddam gift.
Which, by the way, you shouldn’t look in the mouth. Or something.
Amanda: Admittedly, it’s been a while since I’ve been around a horse, but the heights seem off.
Also…there’s a bareback joke in here somewhere.
Sarah: I’m on board (or in the saddle) for judging narrative choices, for sure. But hey, if that horse wants to find a hunk, and is doing so by belt buckle sniffage, ok by me.
CarrieS: The conformation on that horse is Not Good.
When the horse shifts to human form, they must have the most magnificent mohawk mullet since the 80s.
Maybe the missing neck of the second one got somehow smushed into his right shoulder/bicep which is curiously enlarged …
Is that Highlander trying to slice his own head off? Certainly, those blades, and him, are way too clean for him to be responsible for the giant blood pool.
Remember a few years ago when a woman tried to restore the face of Christ on a damaged fresco painting and the result was, um, less than successful? Well, I think she may have also painted the Highlander cover.
For reference:
https://www.google.com/amp/s/news.artnet.com/art-world/botched-restoration-of-jesus-fresco-miraculously-saves-spanish-town-197057/amp-page
The tattooed man not only has no neck, he seems to be so muscle-bound he can’t lift his arms to get his shirt off. Or possibly he doesn’t know how shirts work. Maybe both?
The highlander is so upsetting and Uncanny Valley-ish that I can’t really look directly at him long enough to process everything going on there. It has that same disturbing Reboot animation gone wrong look as the terrifying cover from another post where the woman’s back laced up. Not quite as bad, but they are in the same category. One thing I managed to catch in my glances: did the bad photoshopping result in the grass kind of eating into one of arms? There’s this weird swirl of green like the grass got smudged over his bicep by accident. Also agree he’s about to decapitate himself; he should not be trusted with a sword.
Ha ha! I didn’t think of cat scoot … I thought of the pervasive red clay mud we have been dealing with since last spring here in my neck of the woods. BTW, there is definitely something going on with that man’s pants.
Her Buyer? So, does he do purchasing for a boutique that sells things to overachieving bodybuilders? Or maybe a wife-beater shirt store? Yeah, that’s it, because I’d rather not think of the alternative.
The highlander’s skirt looks like something I made in 8th Grade Home Economics and his right hand looks like an 8-year-old’s Photoshop fail.
Shirtless cowboy on a Monday! Yay! Trigger is thinking “My cowboy is happy to see me, he has a pocket full of peppermints.” Speaking of Photoshopped models, I think a few Googled equines contributed to that cover pony. I first glance I see a Haflinger head and mane, plus a leaner horse’s chest.
Highlanders and ginger mullets…ugh.
The fashion department boss had no problem when her buyer insisted on trying on the male clothing she normally sent him to buy, but when a scheduling error sent him to look at women’s underwear she had to draw the line. Those tattoos are actually scratches he got from the lace and price tags as he was trying to figure out how to get the damn things off.
“Is that a bologna sandwich in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?”
“Neigh, neigh, me proud beauty!”
“Let’s put on the title on top of a smear of cat shit. Really make it look like the cat scooted on it!”
I’m dying!
Just popped back in to say that HER BUYER is free in the Kindle store right now (not that I went looking for it or anything). It’s only 49 pages, so I’m guessing it’s really just the first couple of chapters of a longer book. And, yes, the plot of the book is exactly what the title implies. The two other books in the series are HER OWNER and HER MASTER. I love the subtlety.
It’s not that he can’t take his shirt off, it’s that he’s tearing it off in a ‘roid rage.
I totally thought kilt boy had a sunroof for his man parts in that ensemble. Sporran Fail.
Did someone peel off Highlander’s chest trimmings–hair and/or tattoos and/or whatever else he’s got going on there–and overlay them on Buyer? I can’t help but notice that if you split the difference between the two, you’d have something pretty close to one normal upper chest.
@LauraL
I had the same thought about Cowboy, or I guess Trigger: We are certainly used to seeing photoshopped human models, but this is the first time I can remember seeing a photoshopped horse.
His chest is so upsetting I missed an actual river of blood.
This takes the prize for Year’s Best Comment … and it’s only January.
I’m pretty sure the illustration on the Highlander is from an actual published book with professional cover art that was copied and changed a little bit (and not in a good way at all). When I get a chance, I’ll see if I can find the original but I would vote for something in the way of a Harlequin Historical.
Haven’t found The Elusive Highlander’s original artwork but did find the previous edition (2016) of the book used a painting by Aleta Rafton that was done for Allie MacKay’s Must Love Kilts that had been published by Signet in 2011. And it was also made ugly like this one. I feel this sort of thing gives independent authors and publishers a very bad name.
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