Thanksgiving is over and the march toward the end of 2018 is upon us. I think now is a good time as any for some Cover Snark.
From Sarena: Fated mates? I don’t think so, she looks like she’s working out where best to bite him and he’s either plotting his escape or staring into space.
Sarah: He’s definitely bored. And she looks like she’s found some weird leftover food on his face and is debating whether to tell him about it.
Amanda: His nipple is frowning.
Sarah: OMG IT IS. Poor nipple.
Amanda: Cheer up, nipple!
From Stacey: My friends and I have a lot of snark for this cover, mostly because we can’t decide if he is afraid he has misplaced his penis or if the real “princess” is his penis. Thought you might ‘enjoy’ it anyway.
Amanda …Amazon shows me that I apparently bought this.
Sarah: NO WAY
IS his penis the princess? did he name it?
Amanda: I couldn’t tell you, considering I don’t even remember buying it! Was I in a fugue state?! Hopped up on Benadryl?
Elyse: Drinking + Amazon = regrets
Sarah: Now you have to read it.
From MaryK: I’m morbidly fascinated by this cover. Where is his arm?! Is it supposed to be behind his head?
Sarah: I am concerned about the color of the…fungus? Is the castle deploying elbow-devouring fungus as a defense measure?
Amanda: Let’s take stock of how many different fonts were used, shall we?
From Heather: I saw this in my library’s ebook collection and could not stop looking at it. In a bad way. If you look for them, all of the Guardian of Grigori books are pretty epic for their cover art fails, but Branded Wings wins it.
Elyse: This whole thing is extremely upsetting.
Sarah: What is…why…yes, yes it is.
Elyse: Why does she have shoelaces?
Amanda: Excuse while I throw myself into the fires of Mount Doom after having seen this.
RHG: Oh my god I think we found the cure for narcolepsy.
Because I’m never sleeping again.
Sarah: Why does she have shoelaces IN HER SPINE.
RHG: It’s the new style in anatomically integrated corsets.
Sarah: *shudder*
RHG: If I’m not sleeping, you’re not sleeping either.
Sarah: Fair enough.
Not to be this person but… have you ever heard of corset piercings?
Google it but not if you’re squeamish.
The Soldier Prince’s right nipple looks as though it’s bleeding.
And is the last guy wearing red arm warmers?
I feel like the guy in that first book might be a Ken doll? Vacant expression and look how smooth and shiny his abdomen is. I’m not saying guys need to have six pack, but let’s make it look like flesh at least, please.
Badly-done tattoos are a feature of many romance covers, but the tattoos on HIS PRINCESS really take the cake: they look like they were either spray-painted on with a stencil or drawn on with a sharpie.
I’m assuming the “tattoos” are actually done with henna – or Photoshop. So the models can switch them, from royal to bikie club, etc.
Doesn’t explain the bullish lion with the levitating crown. Not one but.
Speaking of tats, is that “vincit qui se vincit”? (S/h/ze conquers who conquers her/his/themself”)
Because it’s not wrong, all for the self-control and interpersonal skills, but it’s the first I’ve seen that applied to sexual conquest, rather than academic (popular private and “good” public school motto, that one).
Autocorrect fails.
“Not one bit.”
“Intrapersonal skills”.
*Looks at cover of The Soldier Prince*
*Stares at his arm*
Is this book set in the MCU?
The dragon shifter is pondering what her response would be if he tells her that her breath is so bad it is offensive to dragons.
Maybe he has a princess tattooed somewhere really personal? @ DiscoDollyDeb – I think those tattoos were done with a Sharpie.
The soldier prince has really huge biceps and is using his powerful arms to wave away sulphurous smoke. I also think a dollar was bet over how many fonts could be put on this one book cover.
The guardian needs to step away from the coffee pot and/or bennies. He looks like he just finished a wild night at a disco. Are those dragon scales on their arms and where did her right arm go?
One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Six fonts. ah! ah! ah! ah! ah!
Both the models on that first cover look like they have sunk into Post-Thanksgiving Tryptophan Coma. Just go take a nap, people; you’re in no condition for sexytimes.
I think the princess is his pec, or maybe his nipple. It’s wearing a crown, after all.
I’m very concerned about the Soldier Prince’s missing arm. Did it get blown off in battle? It can’t be behind his head because it’s at totally the wrong angle. It looks like he’s got a bowling ball on his shoulder, or maybe he’s growing another head? The longer I look at it the more horrific this cover becomes. And I’m not even including the fonts.
OMG those are not people on that last cover, those are Sims. That guy has the creepiest stare ever. He is clearly an android about to break her neck. Maybe she is an android too and Why are they wearing knitted arm warmers? Why is her hair glowing? GAH!
Sorry, got interrupted in the middle of my comment and accidentally posted before I realized I hadn’t finished my edit. Meant to say maybe she is an android too, and that is why they have to lace her up the back, she isn’t properly welded yet?
I read the last title as “Brandied Wings” which makes about as much sense as the rest of the cover.
First cover, she’s saying: “Fun and flirty” my fanny! I can’t even get it assembled right. This head just won’t screw in properly and the chest is already deflating.
Good lord, the bottom one is so uncanny valley that it likely caused some people to avoid buying it!
The guy on the Branded Wings cover is giving me strong flashbacks to Adult Swim’s CGI-animated Xavier: Renegade Angel.
My spouse reports that the weird fishnet arm coverings in the last image are actually artifacts of 3D rendering. Apparently someone decided that it was a cool look and kept them?
Doesn’t explain the back laces, Yu-Ggi-Oh hair, or his alarming expression, though.
Is it just me or … after a while, is it impossible to see anything in these covers but the male model’s nipples?
Dragon Bewitched: Nipple staring down at the ground to avoid catching a glimpse of the distasteful action up above.
His Princess: Right nipple fled the tattoo and planted itself atop left nipple.
The Soldier Prince: “Look at me: I’ve got a matched pair!” (And since when is “fairytale” one word?)
Branded Wings: Noooo! You can’t see my nipples! The artist hasn’t figured out how to 3D render them yet.
WTF with that last cover?! Wish I could unsee it cause it’s going to give me nightmares.
That cover does make it seem like his penis is the princess.
The last cover is horrifying. Did anyone else watch ReBoot as a kid? It looks kind of like the animation from that show. Except it’s the demon-serial-killer-porn version. Why does her back lace up?! WHY? Never mind. I don’t ever want the answer to that question.
Cover snark always makes me happy.
I’ve got a candidate for a future snarkfest: This guy has the strangest legs I’ve ever seen…!
the last one led me to this cover, which isn’t that bad really but I love that for once it’s a chick with her hand down her pants. Why is this a thing on covers????
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07DN3L7H8/ref=sspa_dk_detail_5?psc=1
At least you only fugue state bought His Princess. I actually read it and would have thrown things if it wasn’t my kindle, just seeing the cover again filled me with annoyance and it was several years/hundreds of books ago.
I’m concerned about the growth on The Soldier Prince’s arm/neck/shoulder/??? He should get that looked at.
On Branded Wings: I’m sure those are supposed to be scales on his arms, but I’m seeing crochet. And since it’s the same color, does that mean that her corset is crocheted to his arms?