Cover Snark: Dukes in Space

Happy Monday! Do you need some Cover Snark?

Engaging the Billionaire by Ivy Layne. A shirtless dude in glasses is wearing a denim jacket with sweatshirt sleeves and a hood. The hood is pulled up. There are also a bunch of tattoos on his chest.

From Reader Amanda: Even stuck at home with the kids on a snow day and checking my email on my phone, this cover doesn’t look right. It came in my Audible email and I did a triple take. Then I looked it up on my Amazon app and the full cover wasn’t an improvement.

The Photoshop is jarring. I would be interested by a glasses wearing, bearded, tattooed hero – whether or not a billionaire. And, because I am a mom and it is cold, I really want to give him a shirt.

Sarah: I have to pass at poorly photoshopped glasses.

RHG: He needs glasses to show that’s he’s engaging, I guess.

Sarah: Or a billionaire, maybe?

RHG: Real billionaires get LASIK.

Sarah: SNORT

CarrieS: Is that Walter White? Has he been sampling his own product?

Amanda: I have that very same jacket and it’s incredibly thin. Definitely seconding a shirt underneath!

Oh and the title is Engaging the Billionaire and not The Engaging Billionaire, like I previously thought.

The Proposal Problem by Natalie Knight and Daphne Dawn. A man in a suit and photoshopped crown is holding a woman's legs open. We don't see the rest of her. Just her upside down legs in this dude's hands

From Denise: This needs cover snarking. I need this cover to be snarked. Pretty please?

Sarah: I can think of several problems with this proposal.

Amanda: Well…unless he’s proposing with a diamond studded clit ring. If that’s the case, he’s kinda doing it right?

Sarah: I guess? But to me her feet look very bored.

She’s all, “I think my pedicure chipped already? UGH.”

Elyse: That crown is straight up from Burger King.

CarrieS: Reminds me of a very, very not romantic scene from Grendel.

The Intergalactic Duke's Inconvenient Engagement by Elsa Jade. A man and woman in historical romance garb are embracing in front of a bright purple galaxy.

Amanda: Well that’s a mouthful of a title.

And also…“black hole brides.”

Elyse: Is the black hole what makes it inconvenient?

For a lot of words, I’m missing crucial information

Amanda: Is the hero a space duke? Or a duke sent into space?

Elyse: I’m assuming space duke and a his duchy involved multiple galaxies? I need more context clues here.

Sarah: That’s a lot of space taffeta, too.

Darkness Awakened by Stephanie Rowe. The cover is a bright red. A topless man and woman are about to kiss, but all of their libs are extremely long. It's like watching two Stretch Armstrongs making out.

From Pam G:

1. Does his neck extend like ET’s?

2. Is she saying Eww? Cuz the thrill is definitely gone.

3. Is that her hand or a starving brain sucker?

4. When you awaken the darkness, does it nest in his chest hair?


Amanda: All of the proportions are wrong. ALL OF THEM.

CarrieS: Stop ripping off her head!

Sarah: Does she have two arms on one side, and…wait, what’s with her other hand?

Comments are Closed

  1. Sandra says:

    I don’t even know where to begin with this crop. There’s so many snarkage opportunities available. But I’ll start with this one… “Forever if I do, Amster Damned if I don’t”. Is Amster even a word? Is it supposed to be “I’m Sure Damned” and someone didn’t spell check? It’s a bad auto-correct? Maybe the Hamster is doomed if he doesn’t go through with it? Maybe it was the cover copywriter who was hung over? Trying to word play with Amsterdam?

    I’ll stop now. I shouldn’t snark while doped up on NyQuil.

  2. Ren Benton says:

    Clearly, the billionaire’s problem is that the woman is dead (note the rigor mortis of her legs), and he’s now trapped in a Weekend at Bernie’s situation until he can arrange an alibi for the time of the tragic “accident” that his money will ensure appears on the official police report.

  3. hng23 says:

    Fonts… in spaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaace.

  4. JJB says:

    I think it’s wordplay with Amsterdam, because there’s a dash between “Amster” and “damned.” It’s still pretty dumb.

    I can’t get over how the cover model looks like that guy from Gossip Girl who’s been accused of rape. Ughh, so gross.

    And now if the cover of the last one was meant to hint that the heroine was flat after breast cancer surgery (as many women are and/or choose to be) THAT would be neat. But I think not, lol.

  5. Lepiota says:

    1. Forgoing LASIK for glasses is a valid personal choice. But not those glasses.

    3. All the flowing stuff has got to meet zero gee, is all I’m saying. They each drown in their own hair, problem solved.

  6. Robot says:

    @Sandra @JJB: I feel like “Amsterdam-ned if I don’t” would read better, but it’s never going to be good.

  7. Sandra says:

    @JJB: There’s a dash? (See comment regarding cold meds, and use thereof.) I think I prefer the hamster being held hostage. And that crown… I thought he’d gone for the spiked hair look and didn’t have enough product to pull it off. You’d think royal billionaires could afford hair gel and personal hairdressers to apply it.

  8. harthad says:

    My first thought was that the sexy legs actually belonged to Mr Proposal and he was just very limber.

  9. Ren Benton says:

    @harthad: There’s a roller skating scene in Goldmember to that effect, but Billions here would have to be VERY limber to explain his knees facing forward.

  10. Shana says:

    My first thought at the Intergalactic Duke: Wait…is that a vintage Johanna Lindsey cover? I swear the original cover of “Warrior’s Woman” looked a bit like that…complete with the purple background.

  11. RaccoonMama says:

    Okay but provided it’s well written I would read the shit out of the intergalactic duke book.

  12. MaryK says:

    The Darkness Awakened guy is totally a turtle shifter.

  13. EC Spurlock says:

    So I have to ask. Are the Brides going into or coming out of the black hole? Because it would be totally inconvenient to get engaged right before getting sucked into a black hole. And you’re not going to be in great shape when you come out either. Or is “black hole” a euphemism? Or is that the dating agency’s logo/brand/whatever? (Poor choice if it is.) So many questions…

    Methinks the Order of the Blade cut off a few relatively important body parts… He looks like the Hunchback of Notre Dame de la Morte.

  14. chacha1 says:

    “RHG: Real billionaires get LASIK.

    Sarah: SNORT”

    Yeah, there is nothing about that ensemble that says “billionaire.” Everything about that look is wrong.

    “Sarah: I can think of several problems with this proposal.

    Amanda: Well…unless he’s proposing with a diamond studded clit ring. If that’s the case, he’s kinda doing it right?

    Sarah: I guess? But to me her feet look very bored.”


  15. Kathy says:

    A UK glasses shop allows you to upload a head shot and “try on” glasses ‘virtually’ from your laptop. Looks like that’s what the billionaire is doing with those specs. Maybe he’s in disguise? @JJB as a bc survivor, I though the EXACT same thing. Where are her breasts???? She is not just small, she has that almost concave flat look that I recognise in the mirror. It would be nice to have a survivor finding love, but somehow I doubt it.

  16. LauraL says:

    Interesting to see intergalactic dukes have as much trouble keeping their shirts on as those Regency dukes I love so much.

    I was thinking the billionaire’s proposal problem is he already has a robotic woman and has to explain his artificial lover to the matchmaking service. Forgive me, I’ve spent the entire day in the techy wonderland that is my employer’s corporate headquarters….

  17. Lisa F says:

    The Proposal Problem’s cover is SO Awful. It looks like a billboard ad for Royal Gynecology Services. I had to resist making a joke about him losing his watch in there.

  18. Rachel says:

    That space duke book looks so bad and I really want to read it.

  19. cayenne says:

    I read the tag as “hamster-danced if I don’t” – and oddly, that didn’t even set off my wtf-o-meter. Oy.

  20. Sophie M says:

    Actually, Engaging the Billionaire is about a woman billionaire and her second chance bf. There’s a stalker who sends threatening messages through the language of flowers.

  21. Tracey C. says:

    On the Darkness Awakened cover, it looks like he has two hands holding her back. Am I nuts? I can’t get the image bigger. Like, on top of each other. In addition to the one in front.
    And the part of her arm between her hand and her body is just.. gone? Like, to get the hand at that angle she’d have had to broken it gruesomely…

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