Elyse Watches The Bachelorette – Episode 11: FML

Finally, finally after weeks of cheesy dates and toxic male behavior (and one interaction with Wayne Newton that was super confusing and distressing), we are at the end of Becca’s “journey.” That’s right.

Tonight is The Bachelorette season finale.

And it’s three hours long.

That’s right. Three. Fucking. Hours.

FML.

I don’t even know how they’re going to fill three hours. We’re down to two dudes, Blake and Garrett, and honestly they’re so alike that Becca could marry both of them, call them Blarrett and we could be done with the whole thing. Both are square-headed dudes who have a history of heartbreak, play up a cowboy vibe, and like to stare blankly into the distance.

I don’t know how Becca will ever choose…

It’s going to take a lot of alcohol to get through three hours of this shit. Luckily Sarah offered to write me a note for work tomorrow on official Smart Bitches letterhead.

Okay, kids, I’ve carbed up, done some stretches and hydrated. We’ve got a lot of bullshit to cover, so take a shot, let’s get this done!

We open up in a studio somewhere in hell (okay probably LA) where Chris Harrison is prepared to compound our pain by watching the finale live with us. He promises us the most emotional finale we’ve ever seen, “an absolute tearjerker.”

Yeah, I doubt it, dude. If I were to cry tears, and I won’t, they’d be straight rum.

So then we’re off to the Maldives where Becca is walking along a white-sand beach and wearing a super adorable two-piece ruffled skirt and tank ensemble. Becca’s family is also there to meet the two final dudes.

First up Garrett meets Becca’s mom, her sister, her uncle Chuck, and some other family members who aren’t introduced to the audience by name. Garrett mumbles when he’s nervous and I have to rewind like a million times. You’re welcome.

Becca’s mom asks to talk to her alone. Becca admits that she’s looking for insight into who to choose because she’s in love with both men. Mom asks if Becca feels differently for Garrett and Blake than she did for Arie. Don’t pull your punches there, Momma.

Meanwhile Uncle Chuck asks Garrett about his two-month marriage. Garrett said his wife never got along with his family, and he didn’t listen to them, and ultimately that drove them apart. At one point both Garrett and Uncle Chuck start crying, talking about people they’ve lost to cancer.

Then Garrett cries in front of Becca’s sister because he JUST LOVES BECCA SO MUCH. After knowing her for what adds up to about three days total.

We get a brief commercial break, then it’s Blake’s turn to meet the fam. He admits to Becca’s sister, Emily, that he struggles with the fact that Becca has a connection with another man.

When they’re alone Becca tearfully tells Emily that she was initially certain Blake would be the man she picked, but now she feels like Garrett might be the right one. It’s clear she’s struggling with the uncertainty.

Blake talks to Becca’s mom about the possibility of going home and she tells him, “You will be fine either way.”

He replies, “Okey dokey.”

Also at this point, Uncle Chuck is super wine drunk and asks Blake for shit on Garrett. “I don’t want to talk about Garrett anymore!” Blake complains to the camera.

Blake walks away from the meeting feeling like it didn’t go well. “She’s gonna pick Garrett,” he mutters.

Then we cut back to LA where Constance Wu and Henry Golding have been forced to show up to this mess to promote Crazy Rich Asians. I’m so sorry, you guys, you didn’t deserve this.

When we get back from commercial, Becca is meeting with her family discussing both dudes. It’s clear that her mom is on Team Blake. Uncle Chuck says, “I just think Garrett has a really beautiful soul. He’s a poet. He’s just someone who’s going to sprout up and be someone special.”

I…what?

So then to cement my theory that Becca’s entire family is drunk at this point, Emily tells Becca that Becca is her soulmate, but she also hopes Becca finds her soulmate…who I guess isn’t Emily?

I’m kind of picturing a weird Gothic novel now where Becca and Blarrett get married and Emily, the maiden sister, moves in with them except she spends a lot of time staring at Blarett and breathing heavily because BECCA IS HER SOULMATE AND SHE WILL NEVER KNOW LOVE. And then one day Blarett is found dismembered in the moors and Emily is all like, “now that you’re a widow, we can be together forever, just the two of us in this creaky old house, let me brush your hair…”

Shit, I’m drunk.

Becca starts crying and tells her mom she doesn’t want “to hurt anyone, ever.”

“Well. It’s gonna happen,” her mom says.

Jesus.

The next day Becca goes on her final date with Garrett.

They drink champagne and make out on a boat. Becca says “With Garrett, I really like that it didn’t happen overnight. It evolved slowly. There’s been so many great moments where I realize, oh my God, I love this man. I could see forever with him.”

They jump into the water next to a buoy marked “equator.”

Then, hilariously, Garrett says, “Maybe it’s the girl, maybe it’s the equator, but I’m on top of the world right now.”

Then they go back to the hotel where there is more booze and what appears to be a single piece of cheesecake that neither of them eats. They talk about whether or not Garrett snores.

Garrett says he has no doubts about proposing to Becca, and that he’s willing to be totally crushed by her choice if it means she’s happy.

Then Garrett says, “I told you before you make it feel like Fourth of July is going off in my chest, and people say they get butterflies, but butterflies are small, and you give me, like, eagles.”

I mean…what does that even…I guess?

Then Chris Harrison shows up to let us know, gleefully, that one of the two remaining men will experience a devastating heartbreak the likes of which we’ve never seen on the show.

Neat.

So then it’s Blake’s last date. Becca reflects that she can’t see herself saying goodbye to either guy. I’m telling you Becca, Blarett is the way to go.

Becca tells Blake they’re going “bop on the bikes” and explore the Maldives. So they bicycle through what looks like a golf course to a beach where they go paddle boarding.

Becca tells the camera that she’s been in love with Blake for awhile now, and that they’re so much alike it’s “uncanny.”

So then they go back to the hotel where Blake has made Becca a shadowbox of mementos from their relationship. He says he bought the box, added horse stickers to the side (not even kidding right now), and filled it with photos and notes he took while they were dating.

I’m incorporating that into my creepy Gothic story somehow.

“And these are the fingernail clippings I took while you slept.”

He even put the fantasy suite key in there.

So then it’s the next day and Becca has to choose.

Now in The Bachelor, said Bachelor proposes to only one of the women and breaks up with the other. Neither woman knows it when she walks up to meet him.

In The Bachelorette both dudes propose (separately) and she accepts one and rejects the other.

Becca starts the day by reading a letter from her sister, Emily. It’s addressed to “Booper.” I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried.

Emily tells “Booper,” her soulmate, that she trusts her to make the right decision. And that she’s super excited about living with them on their crumbling estate on the moors.

Meanwhile Garrett says he has no fears or reservations. He meets with Neil Lane to pick out an engagement ring.

Blake also picks out a ring and then looks at his journal where he’s pressed the roses she’s given him. That’s not me being snarky. He really did this.

Then we get a montage of everyone getting ready and I swear the music is from those Debeers commercials from the 90’s.

Becca wears a white gown and stands on a dock overlooking some really beautiful ocean.

Then Chris Harrison appears to warn us that what we’re about to see is raw, real and painful and that he’s “never seen anything like this. Prepare yourselves.”

Did I miss something and they behead the runner up now? Cuz that warning feels real extreme.

Becca says she knows the man she’s going to break up with won’t see it coming and she feels like “such a monster.”

Blake approaches Becca and takes her hand. He gives her a little speech about how she inspires him to be a better man. He’s sweating a lot, but to be fair he’s in a full suit. He asks her to marry him and she says, “Wait, give me a moment.”

Sweat is literally rolling down his face now. I’m worried he’s going to pass out. Seriously.

Becca tells him that “Because we were so constant, I think I was overlooking other relationships. Because we were so solid, I wasn’t seeing anything. There’s just once piece with someone else that I’m not ready to say goodbye to yet.”

And I am legit worried  for Blake right now. His eyes are closed and I’m not being mean about the sweat here, it’s just real bad. He’s super flushed. He needs to cool down and take in fluids right away.

Becca tells Blake that she doesn’t want him to doubt himself and that she knows how he feels, which I’m sure is helping a TON right now. Especially since he’s probably in the hallucinating phase of heat stroke.

“I love you,” he says weakly. “Bye.”

Jesus. Someone get this guy a watered-down Gatorade and a cool towel.

I guess someone listened to me because we get a shot of Blake sobbing into a towel.

Then we cut to LA where Blake sits on a couch next to Chris Harrison who is swollen with the misery of others.

Chris asks if it was “too easy” for them.

“The only red flag is that there were no red flags,” Blake says.

WTF does that even mean?

Chris pokes Blake’s wound by asking Blake if he’s still in love with Becca.

“I’ll always have love for Becca,” he replies.

So then they bring Becca out and Blake tells her that he got all the answers he was looking for by watching this season.

Becca tells him that his tendency to get in his own head made her question how he would handle a crisis they might face together.

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Blake tells her. “And I feel so lucky and so fortunate that you were my Bachelorette because I wouldn’t want anyone else.”

After that torture session we finally are at the end of this shitshow.

We see Becca waiting on the beach for Garrett.

Garrett walks up to her and takes her hands. He tells her wants to spend the rest of his life with her.

Becca stops him. “Before you go on. I have something I need to say. Staring out this journey I didn’t know what to expect and I didn’t know if there was anyone in that group of guys for me. And since day one I saw something in you, I felt something in you, so much so that you got that first rose.”

Then she tells him he was the first guy she wrote about in her journal.

DOES EVERYONE ON THIS SHOW KEEP A JOURNAL?

Then she tells him she loves him.

There’s a lot of kissing and then Garrett proposes and she accepts.

“It’s you!” Becca yells. “It’s us!”

“Can we be done now?” my husband asks weakly.

Oh no. We’ve got 30 minutes left of this shit.

We’re back in LA. Garrett and Becca are there, all giddy and happy. Chris Harrison inspects Becca’s ring like he’s judging Garrett’s taste.

Both Becca and Garrett say that they really fell in love after Becca met his family.

Then we get some clips of Becca and Garrett hanging out secretly after the show. To Becca’s credit she doesn’t dump Garrett to go back to Blake.

“We still need to get together and get to know one another,” Becca says.

Then there’s more talking. OMG CAN WE JUST BE DONE.

Then Chris Harrison brings up Garrett’s sexist, racist, homophobic, transphobic social media likes. Garrett apologizes and says he didn’t mean to hurt anyone and he’s getting better, blah blah blah. He says the posts he liked went directly against Becca’s values.

For the record here are a couple of examples:

Seriously. FUCK THIS GUY.

He also liked some transphobic stuff and things about the Parkland shooting survivors being crisis actors. What a prince.

So then Garrett says it was so hard having people attack him over these likes because they didn’t know the real him and it’s like “boo fucking hoo.” You’re being held accountable for gross behavior and it’s so hard? It’s the same toxic White man shit we’ve been seeing so much of lately.

Ugh.

Then he says he’s “still learning.”

Becca steadfastly stands by her man.

Yeah. So that’s the end. Blake cried into a towel and probably had heat stroke. Becca is engaged to a guy who is gross and refuses to own it. I’m drunk.

Did you watch this season? What did you think?