Happy Bachelorette …er, Wednesday. Due to a virus or a weird fibro flare (or both) I wasn’t able to recap the live show Monday, but I do feel up to watching (and drinking) tonight. We’re down to 6 guys and off the Bahamas everyone! The dudes who make it through tonight get to go to home towns.
Pour your favorite adult beverage. Honestly this episode was kind of a snooze-fest, so extra points if it’s caffeinated. It’s time for the show.
Becca tells the guys that instead of a rose ceremony, they’ll be doing 4 dates (3 one-on-ones and a group date). This is like the 3rd time we’ve cut out The Dreaded Rose Ceremony, which makes me wonder if ABC doesn’t have the booze budget it once did. Also WTF was up with Richmond, VA, for a date destination? Like I’m sure it’s a great city, but I watch this show to travel and get white-wine drunk vicariously. Give me Bora Bora or Tokyo.
Anyway, the first one-on-one date goes to Colton. Garrett tells us that Colton is a virgin and he wonders if he’s going to tell Becca.
Cue my shocked face.
I caught wind of this on social media today, and honestly, am I the only one who thinks it really isn’t a big deal? Who cares if Colton is a virgin? I mean, it doesn’t make him any less qualified to be Becca’s reality TV fiancé. Gross, Dumb Jordan didn’t know how pants worked and he passed the litmus test. I don’t think sexual experience (or ability to dress oneself) was on the final casting exam.
So Becca and Colton go on a boat ride and make out a lot, and then they go diving for conch. The divemaster tells them that the pistol portion of the conch is an aphrodisiac, but it looks super slimy and chewy, and I have a hard time watching them eat it.
Remember that time Arie made the ladies think he drank pee? Good times.
During dinner (which they aren’t allowed to eat – good thing they filled up on conch pistol) Colton tells Becca that because he put so much focus on his career, he didn’t really have time for relationships and only every saw one person seriously. As a result, he’s still a virgin.
“Honestly, I’m not even sure my dad knows,” he tells Becca.
WELL HE DOES NOW.
Becca seems surprised, almost dismayed, and tells him she wouldn’t want to put him “outside his comfort zone.”
Then she gets up from the table. Arie did this too a few times, but Twitter ruled it was to fart. Colton looks super nervous.
Again, am I the only one who doesn’t think this is a huge deal? Have romance novels made me unusually accepting of varying degrees of sexual experience?
We cut back to the hotel where the other dudes are talking about Colton’s virginity which isn’t super fucking weird at all.
Garrett says he thinks “there are too many skeletons in the closet.” Which…what? Skeletons in the closet are reserved for wives locked in attics and serial killer fathers (again romance novels might have informed my feelings on this a little). The guy is a virgin. He doesn’t make puppets out of his ex-girlfriend’s hair.
So then Becca goes back to the table. Colton tells her that in the past he was ashamed because of the locker room environment he was usually in. Now he feels proud of his choice. He isn’t waiting for marriage, but it is waiting for the right partner.
Becca tells him that she doesn’t judge him or think less of him. Becca gives him a rose.
On the next one-on-one date, Garrett and Becca go island-hopping on a sea plane. They make out a lot on a private beach and I have to wonder if everyone has the same cold yet.
Really nothing exciting happens on their date other than Garrett talking briefly about how he changed who he was for his ex-wife, and that’s part of the reason why the marriage failed.
Seriously, we’re at Arie levels of boring here. Can we talk about Colton’s virginity again or something? Eat raw shellfish parts?
Becca gives him a rose. Then they go back down to the beach where they conveniently have swimsuits on under their clothes, and make out in the water some more.
So then it’s time for Blake’s one-on-one.
Rich is eating ice cream next to me and Fisher is staring at the pint of Häagen Dazs with more intensity than any of these dudes have stared at Becca.
Anyway, Becca and Blake dance on the beach where a conveniently placed band is waiting. Later Blake lets Becca know that he’s struggling with her dating other dudes which…that’s the point of this whole shitshow.
Becca even says she sympathizes with Arie because it must have been confusing at the end.
Not surprisingly, Blake is kinda upset by this. I mean, sure Becca is champagne drunk and in the sun, but she’s basically like “And I have serious feelings for all these dudes!” and Blake his clearly the most emotionally fragile of the group.
So at dinner, Blake tells Becca that his parents got divorced when he was in high school, and that his mom had an affair with his basketball coach and English teacher when his parents were still married. Blake found out about the affair through gossip, not through his family. Which. Yikes.
Then Blake tells her that he’s in love with her (so far we’ve heard “I’m falling in love with you” not “I’m in love with you”). Becca gives him a rose.
Becca tells the camera she’s in love with Blake and that she can see him as her husband…but she doesn’t tell him that.
That leaves Leo, Jason and Wills for the group date. We start the group date with some beach volleyball where Leo talks with a fake British accent because reasons.
Wills and Becca go and hang out in a gazebo (fun story: my husband once ran a D&D campaign for some kids at our local bookstore. He told them that they came across a gazebo. One kid said “I attack it!” Another said “I set it on fire!”).
Leo tells Becca that he feels different from the other guys there because he’s a “more adventurous type.” Becca confesses to him that Arie was the first guy she brought home. I guess on the plus side, whoever comes next will be an improvement.
Somehow during their conversation, Leo mentions that some of the other guys have had more time to get to know Becca, and Becca acknowledges it and basically sends him home in such a subtle way that I don’t think Leo (or me for a second) even realizes it’s happening.
Him: We haven’t had much time together.
Her: I want to go into next week with confidence in these relationships and I think we both recognize we’re not as far along…
Him: Exactly.
Her: Yeah, I just… I think it’s only fair to you to not go back to your family if we’re not 100%…
So then Jason, Wills and Becca leave Leo alone on the beach, presumably to die, a sacrifice for the Rose God.
Then we get to dinner where all three of them are crammed around a little café table and it’s crazy awkward. They aren’t allowed to eat, but we have clear liquor in abundance. Great.
Jason and Becca go make out on a bench for awhile and Jason kisses her so hard that it looks painful. Then Wills and Becca make out on a bench but it’s a different bench because we’re classy.
Then we’re back at the too-small table. Becca tells the camera she can see a future with both Wills and Jason.
She clutches the rose to her chest.
There’s a lot of dramatic music, and then she gives the rose to Jason.
Wills looks devastated. This is the man who was brave enough to rock a floral RompHim for you, girl. You made the wrong choice!
Poor Wills cries in the limo of tears, clearly heartbroken. Or drunk. Or both. It can be both.
And that’s the episode. Yawn.
What did you think of Colton’s reveal?
That it’s not a big deal. He-who-became-mr.mir and I were both virgins, which led to some minor awkwardness the first couple of times, but it was fine.
At least you don’t have to worry about sekrit babies!
I am reminded of the line in Outlander (book 1) where Claire asks Jamie if it bothers him that she’s not a virgin and he reveals that he’s a virgin
“Does is bother you that I’m not a virgin?” He hesitated a moment before answering. “Well, no,” he said slowly, “so long as it doesna bother you that I am.” He grinned at my drop-jawed expression, and backed toward the door. “Reckon one of us should know what they’re doing,” he said.
and later “I said I was a virgin, not a monk,” he said, kissing me again. “If I find I need guidance, I’ll ask.”—
yep, all is good!!
Wait, did Blake’s mom bang both the coach and the English teacher, or were they the same person? Maybe a tv show is not the ideal place for him to be seeking romantic partners?
Speaking from personal experience, people get very weirded out if you’re a virgin past about age 21 and not for religious reasons. They assume you must have deep-seated intimacy issues, and potential partners start feeling performance pressure, even though many, many people’s first times aren’t fireworks and roses.
Elyse, don’t forget that the band waiting for Blake on the beach was the eternally well-loved group the Baha Men! Who knows what they’ve been doing since Who Let the Dogs Out but here they are!
Again I watched parts of this because I wanted to see what you are brave enough to subject yourself to for us, your loyal followers. I admire your fortitude, alcohol supported or no! All that snogging is just ewww! All 4 roses should have gone to the vanilla ice cream – it was way more enticing.
How scripted are the “I don’t like you dating other people” lines? That’s what the whole damn thing is about. I’m starting to have more respect for “The Proposal” as it is more honest.
It’s super hot in L.A. so I’m with Fisher. It’s all about the ice cream.
Sounds like those kids your husband DM’d for had heard the story of Eric and the Dread Gazebo:
https://www.netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/98/Jul/gazebo.html
I didn’t think Colton being a virgin was a big deal either, but my husband disagreed because he thinks it puts extra pressure on Becca, who already has enough pressure on her as the star of a reality TV show. This reminds me too much of when romance heroes are all “Oh, I have sex with a lot of people but never with virgins, too much pressure and/or responsibility for me.” Forget that logic.
Husband also calls Garret “Donald Trump, Jr.” because he thinks he looks like DTJ. Now you can’t un-see it!
Thank you! I love your recaps so much.
DH is annoyed that James aka Extra from the Sopranos was eliminated instead of Wills who, while appearing stoned through most of the series, at least behaved like a decent human.
Fisher has excellent taste.
“You’ve awakened the Gazebo; it catches you and eats you.”
There’s also a Gazebo card in Munchkin.
ARE YOU SURE, ELYSE?! DO YOU KNOW FOR SURE?!
Also, I’m in Los Angeles, so I’m with Chacha1. Definitely Team Fisher And Ice Cream over here.
Well so like I lost my virginity for the fourth and (thank God) final time when I was thirty, and it was sleazy as hell because basically by this point it was an albatross around my neck and I just needed to get the hell rid of it, so I slept with this guy I knew to be a manwhore asshole because he was the first person to hit on me once I was in a position to get it over with and because I figured he could probably get it done without excess sensibilities. He delivered, but he was weird as hell about it.
The thing is… I do kind of get that. The assumption that I would be all MARRY ME NOW about it, yeah, that was needless and insulting, but there are very legitimate reasons to feel pressure. If you read the preceding paragraph and were like “for the… fourth… time… but…???????” well, the first three times I got far enough to bleed but not much further, because my then-boyfriend, who is an absolute sweetheart (still one of my best friends), was literally unable to go through with it because I was in too much pain. He was just like, ‘I really can’t do this to you.’ And, I mean, considering that there was probably nothing remotely sexy about my Determined Grimaces of Grim Resolve, fair enough.
When the virgin’s a guy, though, you’re not going to have that problem, so Colton being a virgin doesn’t really put anything like the same amount of pressure on Becca. At most she might have the problem that it’s likely not to be great for her, but like there are compensations for that, right.
I liked that he owned up to being a virgin. It made him less of a stereotype in my mind. Also, i’m So glad everything is okay with you Elyse! When the recap wasn’t posted on time I rechecked the site maybe every thirty minutes and was running wild possibilities for why it hadn’t been posted from a) you took to the streets protesting the Supreme Court nomination announced during the show or b) you’d given up and the recaps were over for good. Hope you are feeling 100%!