Elyse Watches The Bachelorette – Episode 6: What’s Your Favorite Dinosaur

Today was one of those days where a million little annoyances add to up to one big ‘ol “IDGAF.” I just want to sit alone, in the air conditioning, eat a fistful of allergy pills, and read my book about dinosaurs, goddamnit.

Actually if you took out the allergy pills part, this would be eight-year-old Elyse’s ideal night too.

Instead I’m watching The Bachelorette because unlike Arie, I honor my commitments.

If, however, the Benedryl kicks in mid show, expect the recap to be all:

So last week Gross, Dumb Jordan and David both went home. The guy I’m now calling Toxic Chris stayed. Twitter was all over how alarming Toxic Chris’ behavior toward Becca was. He seemed to think she “owed” him something, clearly didn’t understand rejection or boundaries, and seemed to have a pretty short fuse. All of that adds up to a big red flag.

I hope she sends him home tonight. Or eats his face, velociraptor style.

Actually velociraptors were pretty small. More like Utahraptor.

So the show opens with everyone in Richmond, Virginia, and we’re down to nine dudes. Toxic Chris says he really wants to “come into Virginia making it a redemption week,” and acknowledges that his relationship with Becca took a step back last week, but clearly doesn’t relate it to his own gross behavior.

My husband is making dinner in the other room and yells, “Pause it if anything really stupid happens!”

Dude, you’ll never finish cooking at that rate.

The first one-on-one date goes to Jason. Toxic Chris is put out and says he wants a one-on-one date which…he already had one. The other guys are like “WTF dude?” He and Lincoln get into this petty argument about whether or not Chris used to be fat and I just…

Jason and Becca go on a historical tour of Richmond, including the Edgar Allan Poe museum which (for the five seconds we see it) is treated as gothic and romantic. Cool. Poe married his first cousin when she was 13 and he was 27 so great job researching that ABC.

Later they go to a bar where (surprise!) three of Jason’s friends are waiting for them. They talk about how great Jason is and I zone out for awhile and think about dinosaurs.

The Field Museum has an exhibit of dinosaur fossils found in Antarctica. I should go check that out this summer.

Anyway, Jason and Becca have dinner (which they’re not allowed to eat), and Jason tells Becca his tragic backstory. It’s a rule that you have to reveal trauma during the one-on-one dinners. Jason talks about his grandma’s battle with Alzheimer’s.

Becca tearfully tells Jason about how her father got sick when she was fourteen and passed away when she nineteen. She said that the loss made her realize you have to appreciate relationships while you have them.

Becca gives Jason a rose after telling him she feels like she can really open up to him. Then they make out.

Did you know due to a small hyoid bone most dinosaurs couldn’t actually move their tongues much? No sexy dino kissing.

So then it’s time for the group date. Becca and some of the dudes go to the captiol building where George Washington and Abe Lincoln are waiting for them.

SPOILER ALERT: IT’S NOT THE REAL GEORGE WASHINGTON OR ABE LINCOLN.

Now I kinda wish Gross, Dumb Jordan was still there. We could have 1000% convinced him time travel was real.

President Lincoln informs the guys that they will be entering a debate in Becca-lection 2018. They are going to debate for love.

Now I’m REALLY upset Jordan isn’t there. Goddamnit ABC, why could have kept him on for one more episode!

The Governor of Virginia is moderating the debate. I am not even making this up.

So then the bicker-fest between Toxic Chris and Lincoln heats up. Lincoln makes a comment that he would never pack up his bags and threaten to leave like Toxic Chris would. Toxic Chris implies that Lincoln is fake.

“There’s a nasty side of Lincoln that’s very, I would say, malicious and aggressive,” Toxic Chris tells the crowd. “If she saw the man who are you are when you’re not around her, I think she’d be disgusted. We were having a conversation yesterday, and I said that I would want a two on one. And that if I was up against Lincoln, I feel like it would be an easy road. That translated into Lincoln calling me a fat fuck.”

Becca is looking around like “OMG you guys, the Governor of Virginia and two living US Presidents (as far as Gross, Dumb Jordan is concerned), and 200 people are watching this.”

Even Chris Harrison who feeds off of toxic male energy like mosasaurs fed off of bony fish, ammonites, and plesiosaurs looks horrified and calls the debate to an end.

When it’s time for the cocktail hour, everyone is still acting super awkward. Becca is clearly pissed off.

So when it’s Lincoln’s turn to talk to Becca alone he tells her doesn’t feel safe around Toxic Chris and that he wasn’t the one being disrespectful. Toxic Chris walks in on their conversation.

Becca tells Toxic Chris that some of the guys have told her they feel that he will get physical and don’t feel comfortable being around him.

“That actually makes me feel uncomfortable in a sense,” Toxic Chris says.

“It makes me feel very uncomfortable,” Becca says.

“It makes me extremely uncomfortable,” Toxic Chris replies.

I’M TRIPLE DOG DARE YOU UNCOMFORABLE WITH ALL OF THIS. JESUS.

Apparently Connor asked to switch rooms because he didn’t feel comfortable around Toxic Chris and some of the other guys have said he’s verbally abusive.

After not treating Becca with respect, Toxic Chris says he’s the type of man who knows how to treat a woman with respect.

So then Toxic Chris goes down to the drinking couch and confronts Connor who is like, “I never said I didn’t feel safe around you.” Toxic Chris asks Lincoln asks if he told Becca that and Lincoln, swear to god, says “Maaaaaybe” like a toddler.

Meanwhile Becca has decided she needs to be alone and breathe (which YEAH), and now the other guys are pissed at Toxic Chris because he’s ruined all of their chances at talking with her.

Eventually Becca comes back and talks with the other guys. Wills tells her he’s falling in love with her. The group date rose goes to Colton.

Next up is a one-on-one date with Leo. Leo has really luscious hair and frequently opts to go shirtless so they have to tape his mic to his bare chest.

Yes, way.

They fly over Chesapeake Bay and then stop at an Oyster restaurant. Becca confesses to Leo that she’s stressed out by all of the drama and Leo replies with, “I just want you to know that it’s a great time in my life to be serious in a relationship. I’ll tell you right now that I’d be yours in the real world if you wanted to be with me.”

He adds to the camera, “I wanted her to feel okay. There’s no reason for her to feel any bad feelings going into dating the last nine guys. She should feel like she has freedom to choose and do what she wants and make the best decision for her future. And I wanted to make sure she felt that with me.”

Then they shuck some oysters and make out on a boat. During the dinner they aren’t allowed to eat, Leo reveals his trauma, which is that he failed his father by not being good enough to play professional baseball.

Did you know the largest sauropod was the Patagotitan which lived during the Late Cretaceous period and weighed as much as 76 tons?

Cut back to the hotel. Toxic Chris is writing in a journal while super ominous music plays in the background. ABC wants us to think it’s as Murder Journal, but I know he’s just working on his Agents of SHIELD fanfic (FitzSimmons 4EVA). The other guys drink and talk shit about him downstairs.

Becca gives Leo a rose, and they go to one of those annoying pop up concerts that I fast forward through.

When Toxic Chris sees that Leo got a rose, he storms out of the room because…IDEK. We get a moody shot of Toxic Chris walking through the darkened streets of Richmond with this voiceover:

“I don’t know what’s going through Becca’s mind right now. Lincoln told her that he was scared for his life, that I was verbally abusive. But people need to acknowledge what kind of a monster Lincoln is. The man eats 12 eggs every day. His cholesterol has to be 6,000.”

So then Toxic Chris decides to show “initiative” by showing up at Becca’s hotel. Because when you’ve heard from multiple people that you’re creepy and threatening, it’s totally a good plan to show up unannounced at someone’s hotel room.

Becca lets him in, and he tells her, “I strongly believe in you and I. And I could definitely see me marrying you, at the end of this.”

Becca asks him what changed over the course of a week. Remember how last week he was having a giant tantrum and was going to leave because Becca wasn’t showing him enough attention?

And Toxic Chris is basically like, “Right but ignore all my previous actions.”

So then Becca tells him that his shitty behavior has actually tainted both her trips to Vegas and Richmond, and that she’s just got too many red flags for her to feel like they can move on together. He tries to deflect and says that’s he been attacked, and she counters, “And you’ve done some attacking.”

Finally she says it’s not going to work out and she’s sending him home.

GOOD FOR YOU BECCA.

She politely asks if she can walk him out and he says “No.”

“I don’t need a walk-out,” Toxic Chris pouts.

“I don’t think you need anything, but I’m going to pay you that respect,” she replies.

“Chris proved he’s not for me. He’s not somebody that I would want to spend my life with, that I would want as my partner, that I would want to raise children with. He’s not he guy I want in my life ever,” Becca tells the camera.

And finally, FINALLY it is time for The Dreaded Rose Ceremony. Chris Harrison walks through a French door and says… “WE’RE GOING STRAIGHT TO ROSE.”

Did the last season break ABC’s alcohol budget or something? No free liquor for you boys.

Cue dramatic music. Leo, Jason and Colton have roses. That leaves five guys without. There are only three roses on the silver platter next to Becca.

Garrett gets the first rose.

Blake gets the second rose.

CUE DRAMATIC MUSIC.

Chris Harrison appears to tell us we’re down to the final rose.

THANKS CHRIS.

Wills gets the last rose. Connor and Lincoln go home.

And that’s it. Are you still watching?

More importantly, which dinosaur is your favorite?