Today was one of those days where a million little annoyances add to up to one big ‘ol “IDGAF.” I just want to sit alone, in the air conditioning, eat a fistful of allergy pills, and read my book about dinosaurs, goddamnit.
Actually if you took out the allergy pills part, this would be eight-year-old Elyse’s ideal night too.
Instead I’m watching The Bachelorette because unlike Arie, I honor my commitments.
If, however, the Benedryl kicks in mid show, expect the recap to be all:
So last week Gross, Dumb Jordan and David both went home. The guy I’m now calling Toxic Chris stayed. Twitter was all over how alarming Toxic Chris’ behavior toward Becca was. He seemed to think she “owed” him something, clearly didn’t understand rejection or boundaries, and seemed to have a pretty short fuse. All of that adds up to a big red flag.
I hope she sends him home tonight. Or eats his face, velociraptor style.
Actually velociraptors were pretty small. More like Utahraptor.
So the show opens with everyone in Richmond, Virginia, and we’re down to nine dudes. Toxic Chris says he really wants to “come into Virginia making it a redemption week,” and acknowledges that his relationship with Becca took a step back last week, but clearly doesn’t relate it to his own gross behavior.
My husband is making dinner in the other room and yells, “Pause it if anything really stupid happens!”
Dude, you’ll never finish cooking at that rate.
The first one-on-one date goes to Jason. Toxic Chris is put out and says he wants a one-on-one date which…he already had one. The other guys are like “WTF dude?” He and Lincoln get into this petty argument about whether or not Chris used to be fat and I just…
Jason and Becca go on a historical tour of Richmond, including the Edgar Allan Poe museum which (for the five seconds we see it) is treated as gothic and romantic. Cool. Poe married his first cousin when she was 13 and he was 27 so great job researching that ABC.
Later they go to a bar where (surprise!) three of Jason’s friends are waiting for them. They talk about how great Jason is and I zone out for awhile and think about dinosaurs.
The Field Museum has an exhibit of dinosaur fossils found in Antarctica. I should go check that out this summer.
Anyway, Jason and Becca have dinner (which they’re not allowed to eat), and Jason tells Becca his tragic backstory. It’s a rule that you have to reveal trauma during the one-on-one dinners. Jason talks about his grandma’s battle with Alzheimer’s.
Becca tearfully tells Jason about how her father got sick when she was fourteen and passed away when she nineteen. She said that the loss made her realize you have to appreciate relationships while you have them.
Becca gives Jason a rose after telling him she feels like she can really open up to him. Then they make out.
Did you know due to a small hyoid bone most dinosaurs couldn’t actually move their tongues much? No sexy dino kissing.
So then it’s time for the group date. Becca and some of the dudes go to the captiol building where George Washington and Abe Lincoln are waiting for them.
SPOILER ALERT: IT’S NOT THE REAL GEORGE WASHINGTON OR ABE LINCOLN.
Now I kinda wish Gross, Dumb Jordan was still there. We could have 1000% convinced him time travel was real.
President Lincoln informs the guys that they will be entering a debate in Becca-lection 2018. They are going to debate for love.
Now I’m REALLY upset Jordan isn’t there. Goddamnit ABC, why could have kept him on for one more episode!
The Governor of Virginia is moderating the debate. I am not even making this up.
So then the bicker-fest between Toxic Chris and Lincoln heats up. Lincoln makes a comment that he would never pack up his bags and threaten to leave like Toxic Chris would. Toxic Chris implies that Lincoln is fake.
“There’s a nasty side of Lincoln that’s very, I would say, malicious and aggressive,” Toxic Chris tells the crowd. “If she saw the man who are you are when you’re not around her, I think she’d be disgusted. We were having a conversation yesterday, and I said that I would want a two on one. And that if I was up against Lincoln, I feel like it would be an easy road. That translated into Lincoln calling me a fat fuck.”
Becca is looking around like “OMG you guys, the Governor of Virginia and two living US Presidents (as far as Gross, Dumb Jordan is concerned), and 200 people are watching this.”
Even Chris Harrison who feeds off of toxic male energy like mosasaurs fed off of bony fish, ammonites, and plesiosaurs looks horrified and calls the debate to an end.
When it’s time for the cocktail hour, everyone is still acting super awkward. Becca is clearly pissed off.
So when it’s Lincoln’s turn to talk to Becca alone he tells her doesn’t feel safe around Toxic Chris and that he wasn’t the one being disrespectful. Toxic Chris walks in on their conversation.
Becca tells Toxic Chris that some of the guys have told her they feel that he will get physical and don’t feel comfortable being around him.
“That actually makes me feel uncomfortable in a sense,” Toxic Chris says.
“It makes me feel very uncomfortable,” Becca says.
“It makes me extremely uncomfortable,” Toxic Chris replies.
I’M TRIPLE DOG DARE YOU UNCOMFORABLE WITH ALL OF THIS. JESUS.
Apparently Connor asked to switch rooms because he didn’t feel comfortable around Toxic Chris and some of the other guys have said he’s verbally abusive.
After not treating Becca with respect, Toxic Chris says he’s the type of man who knows how to treat a woman with respect.
So then Toxic Chris goes down to the drinking couch and confronts Connor who is like, “I never said I didn’t feel safe around you.” Toxic Chris asks Lincoln asks if he told Becca that and Lincoln, swear to god, says “Maaaaaybe” like a toddler.
Meanwhile Becca has decided she needs to be alone and breathe (which YEAH), and now the other guys are pissed at Toxic Chris because he’s ruined all of their chances at talking with her.
Eventually Becca comes back and talks with the other guys. Wills tells her he’s falling in love with her. The group date rose goes to Colton.
Next up is a one-on-one date with Leo. Leo has really luscious hair and frequently opts to go shirtless so they have to tape his mic to his bare chest.
Yes, way.
They fly over Chesapeake Bay and then stop at an Oyster restaurant. Becca confesses to Leo that she’s stressed out by all of the drama and Leo replies with, “I just want you to know that it’s a great time in my life to be serious in a relationship. I’ll tell you right now that I’d be yours in the real world if you wanted to be with me.”
He adds to the camera, “I wanted her to feel okay. There’s no reason for her to feel any bad feelings going into dating the last nine guys. She should feel like she has freedom to choose and do what she wants and make the best decision for her future. And I wanted to make sure she felt that with me.”
Then they shuck some oysters and make out on a boat. During the dinner they aren’t allowed to eat, Leo reveals his trauma, which is that he failed his father by not being good enough to play professional baseball.
Did you know the largest sauropod was the Patagotitan which lived during the Late Cretaceous period and weighed as much as 76 tons?
Cut back to the hotel. Toxic Chris is writing in a journal while super ominous music plays in the background. ABC wants us to think it’s as Murder Journal, but I know he’s just working on his Agents of SHIELD fanfic (FitzSimmons 4EVA). The other guys drink and talk shit about him downstairs.
Becca gives Leo a rose, and they go to one of those annoying pop up concerts that I fast forward through.
When Toxic Chris sees that Leo got a rose, he storms out of the room because…IDEK. We get a moody shot of Toxic Chris walking through the darkened streets of Richmond with this voiceover:
“I don’t know what’s going through Becca’s mind right now. Lincoln told her that he was scared for his life, that I was verbally abusive. But people need to acknowledge what kind of a monster Lincoln is. The man eats 12 eggs every day. His cholesterol has to be 6,000.”
So then Toxic Chris decides to show “initiative” by showing up at Becca’s hotel. Because when you’ve heard from multiple people that you’re creepy and threatening, it’s totally a good plan to show up unannounced at someone’s hotel room.
Becca lets him in, and he tells her, “I strongly believe in you and I. And I could definitely see me marrying you, at the end of this.”
Becca asks him what changed over the course of a week. Remember how last week he was having a giant tantrum and was going to leave because Becca wasn’t showing him enough attention?
And Toxic Chris is basically like, “Right but ignore all my previous actions.”
So then Becca tells him that his shitty behavior has actually tainted both her trips to Vegas and Richmond, and that she’s just got too many red flags for her to feel like they can move on together. He tries to deflect and says that’s he been attacked, and she counters, “And you’ve done some attacking.”
Finally she says it’s not going to work out and she’s sending him home.
GOOD FOR YOU BECCA.
She politely asks if she can walk him out and he says “No.”
“I don’t need a walk-out,” Toxic Chris pouts.
“I don’t think you need anything, but I’m going to pay you that respect,” she replies.
“Chris proved he’s not for me. He’s not somebody that I would want to spend my life with, that I would want as my partner, that I would want to raise children with. He’s not he guy I want in my life ever,” Becca tells the camera.
And finally, FINALLY it is time for The Dreaded Rose Ceremony. Chris Harrison walks through a French door and says… “WE’RE GOING STRAIGHT TO ROSE.”
Did the last season break ABC’s alcohol budget or something? No free liquor for you boys.
Cue dramatic music. Leo, Jason and Colton have roses. That leaves five guys without. There are only three roses on the silver platter next to Becca.
Garrett gets the first rose.
Blake gets the second rose.
CUE DRAMATIC MUSIC.
Chris Harrison appears to tell us we’re down to the final rose.
THANKS CHRIS.
Wills gets the last rose. Connor and Lincoln go home.
And that’s it. Are you still watching?
More importantly, which dinosaur is your favorite?
This made my morning, laughed so hard in my office everyone probably thinks I’m severely over-caffeinated (it’s really only a little, I swear)
Dinosaurs make everything better.
Don’t you wish they were giving dinosaurs instead of roses? You are the best, Elyse.
What??? Dinosaur fossils in Antarctica? I’m riveted.
Stegosaurus. Although compsognathus is fun to say. And I tapped out after 1 ep this season.
I have always loved the long-necked, bumbling, vegetarian Dinos! At least that is the way they always seem to be portrayed.
My favourite dinosaur has to be Nick.
I’ve always been partial to the Stegosaurus. They got their own backs!
Elyse, if “The Bachelorette” had been filmed a few weeks later in Richmond, your wish for dinosaur sightings could have been fulfilled. Jurassic Quest stopped in Richmond in May. I think the Bachelorette crew was here around the time of Virginia’s annual Historic Garden Week. I saw no evidence of gardening ladies in last night’s show. We would have put a dent in the wine supply.
I lived in the City of Richmond for over a decade. I feel the need to point out the Poe Museum is a really cool place to visit and not just a Goth hangout. Personally, I would have picked the Virginia Museum of Fine Arts and the Maymont Mansion as locations for those uneaten dinners. And cool fact, the Graduate Richmond Hotel, where the guys stayed, has a program where adoptable pets from Richmond Animal Care & Control “work” as hotel ambassadors and get adopted!
I’m pretty sure the cleaning crew worked hard to remove the stench of Toxic Chris. Cursing in front of our Governor. My word!
Tyrannosaurus Rex! Hands down. Since I was 8.
Thank goodness Toxic Chris is gone. What a terrible lineup ABC has brought Becca.
Here’s the version I would watch-after the Rose Ceremony, the non-rose guys walk out into a pit of dinosaurs. That would really liven up the end of the show.
I’ve always loved the brontosaurus. I realize that they probably didn’t look like big cute dinosaur-shaped teddy bears in real life but the way they are portrayed in most children’s literature just makes me want to snuggle them.
Was anyone else super tense for the entire time that Toxic Chris was in Becca’s room? I was legit on the edge of the couch yelling at the TV “why did you let him in there? Why did the producers let her bring him into that room?” He just seemed like he could snap at any moment and it could get ugly. So glad she sent that dude home. My husband called him “the tooliest tool that ever tooled” and I think that pretty much sums it up. Lincoln appears to be a pretty garbage person as well, given his recent conviction for sexual assault, and when you are looking MORE toxic than he is well….you might want to reevaluate your life choices. Just saying. In other news, Wills is my favorite. Becca’s taste seems to run more to square-headed football dudes so I don’t think he’s going to be the one in the end, but that’s OK because I am shipping him and Danielle M. from Bachelor in Paradise.
Plesiosaur, for a couple reasons. First, because when you say the name, it sounds like you’re saying “please” and I’d like to think of them as being very polite as they hunted and ate their prey. And second, they get mistaken for the Loch Ness monster, and I’m all about Nessie. You don’t know, it could be out thereeeee!!!
Oh, and yeah, way to go Becca for not putting up with any of the mucho bullshit this season!
Please Becca, why would you want to get serious with a guy who has better hair then you? Imagine the morning bathroom battles. LOL! PS I prefer dinosaurs who can bit people in half with one chomp.
I truly appreciate your suffering on our behalf – and then writing about it so entertainingly! you’re a brave brave soul (and these write-ups are so much fun to read)
my favourite dinosaur is the Nothosaurus
As a child I read The Enormous Egg by Oliver Butterworth published in 1956, where a boy finds an enormous egg in a hen’s nest and the egg hatches into a triceratops dinosaur that he names Uncle Beazley. The book is long gone, but I have had an affection for TRICERATOPS ever since…
Why do they always find such a crop of loosers for the Bachelorette? Lincoln would have been gone sooner if she knew about the photo kissing crap. He and Chris are both toxic AF. What is it like four genuinely and obviously toxic dudes so far. My favorite dino is whatever eats creepy toxic dudes.
My favorite dinosaur: Dr. Dinosaur from the comic book ATOMIC ROBO.
Becca seems to be navigating this shitshow about as well as it is possible to do, and I really hope that at least one of the survivors turns out to be actually worthy of her. ABC needs to do better.
@starlightarcher — Hurray, more love for plesiosaurs! They never seem to get the attention they so clearly deserve. I don’t really have a favourite dinosaur, but I’ve always been drawn to the various marine and aerial varieties, and it’s awesome to see another person who appreciates plesiosaurs, so for purposes of this post, I’mma put my vote in with yours. Plesiosaurs all the way.
I’ve always loved the brontosaurus.
I’ve never forgiven them for renaming it “apatosaurus” (Greek for “haha, fooled you, you thought I was a brontosaurus”). It’s the paleontologist’s equivalent of a Zero Tolerance policy: once you make up an ironclad, no-exceptions rule, then sooner or later your own rule will force you to do something stupid.
Raise your hand if you think My Favorite Dinosaur is a much pleasanter and more fruitful field of discussion than My Favorite Bachelor.
My favorite is always Baryonyx. When my older son, Freebird, went through The Dinosaur Phase, that was always my favorite.
I say instead of sending the guys home they should feed them to dinosaurs. I’d totally watch that.
Favorite dinosaur: the ones with the funny neck flaps that flip out. They eat Nedry in Jurassic Park. They might not even have existed irl but they’re still my fave.
I just moved to Richmond, I agree with LauraL that there are some really cool and romantic places that could have been used. There was a huge frenzy when they came to film. Some comments in the local press say that Becca is really cool and friendly. The guys are tools. So I guess this really is a reality show!!
I am nostalgic for the Shy Stegosaurus of Cricket Creek.
And I am grateful for the affirmation that my decision never to watch The Bachelor/ette was a good one, although I LOVE the recaps.
I don’t have a favorite dinosaur, is that strange? I like to admire them all from afar.
This show is making me realize I have no future as a Bachelorette (aside from being married for 20+ years and way too old) because I would have tapped Wills and run off with him and the entire ABC booze tab by now. Becca has the patience of a saint.
Also, there are some really good examples of emotionally/mentally abusive guys here so I feel this entire series of Bachelorette needs a PSA afterwards. Who’s with me?
There is so much awesome in this – thanks for the update and dino lesson.
@BrandiD – I’m with you. It sounds like a lot of this season could be used as training material in a “how to spot a potential abuser” workshop/course.
TBH I am not all that interested in dinosaurs or The Bachelorette, but I would watch the hell out of a miniseries about the lives of Virginia Clemm Poe, Fanny Osgoode, Elizabeth Ellet, &co. So much scandal! So much literary ladies! I just went down a really long women-of-Poe Wikipedia rabbit hole as a result of one line in this recap.
My favorite was always the Maiasaura (“good mother lizard”) genus, but my favorite at the local museum is Quetzalcotlus, a HUGE pterosaur.
I nearly drool every time rum and coke or white wine are mentioned, and I’m intensely jealous of everyone who is currently (willingly) non-pregnant.
Are you reading the Rise and Fall of the Dinosaurs??? Everyone I know is raving about that book. I ordered mine and after an unfortunate mixup it’s not getting here until Saturday. UGH.
(and I can’t with the Bachelorette this season. I came for the dinosaur mention)
I just have the main line from Brontosaurus (by Tkay Maidza) in my head now and think Becca should totally “stomp your feet like a Brontosaurus” all over this crap.
I vote for a do-over and new batch of “vetted by past Bachelor/ette women” guys for Becca.
I have always loved Liopleuradon because Walking with Dinosaurs informed me that they were 100 ft long, Allosaurus-chomping badasses. I was devastated to learn that they exaggerated massively, and the absolute biggest Liopleuradon were maybe 25 ft max. Still love em, but that was a big let down.
I am giving so much thought to the favourite dinosaur question. I think my first thought of Sinosauropteryx wins, even though it wasn’t discovered when I first found dinosaurs.
@ Louise, I believe that Brontosaurus is back after some not-Apatosaurus bones referred to it were found.
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Is it just me, or does the picture of Jason at the Edgar Allen Poe museum look like he’s auditioning for the role of Danny Zuko?
Count me in with the Brontosaurus crowd!
Triceratops. Also TG she got rid of Chris!!
During your description of the debate, I definitely thought Toxic Chris was talking about the Abe Lincoln impersonator and not Bachelor Lincoln, which was confusing but just as hilarious.
My favorite individual dinosaur is Duckie from Land Before Time, but as an overall species, Stegosaurus forever!
Oh, right, personal favorite. I’m kinda partial to the Ankylosaurus. That’s the one with the badass tail. As with the skunk, there is no safe angle to approach it from.
But it’s really a How Old Are You question, innit. Our favorite dinosaurs will always be chosen from the ones that existed when we were children. Er, that is, the ones whose fossils were known et cetera.
I like Ankylosaurus too. They’re the tanks of the dinosaur world!
The Captain and I watched this episode today, switching between it and UnReal (a Lifetime dark comedy/drama about the people producing a Bachelor-style reality show. The Captain loves it because it is scandalous and very dark – like “needs multiple content warnings” dark). We spent a lot of time laughing and marveling at how childish and obsessive Toxic Chris was.
I like Ankylosaurus too. They’re the tanks of the dinosaur world!
The Captain and I watched this episode today, switching between it and UnReal (a Lifetime dark comedy/drama about the people producing a Bachelor-style reality show. The Captain loves it because it is scandalous and very dark – like “needs multiple content warnings” dark). We spent a lot of time laughing at and making fun of how childish and obsessive Toxic Chris was.