This has been a week for news (much like many other weeks, alas). With the deaths of Kate Spade and then today Anthony Bourdain, I’ve been thinking a lot about empathy, about how the creative work of an individual can make you feel such powerful emotions. Kate Spade’s designs made so many people, myself included, feel confident, empowered, stylish, and in many cases like an adult. I can’t count the number of times I read this week an account of buying a first Kate Spade bag and feeling finally finally like a full grown-up – that was certainly true for me. I’ve given away several Spade bags here, partly because I like them, and also because I want whoever wins them to feel that happy and confident delight that I felt while shopping for them. Knowing she struggled with the same darkness and anguish makes the light and joy of her creativity more precious to me. The same is true for me of Anthony Bourdain. Seeing the world over his shoulder, learning about different cultures, different creative people obsessed with food, was invaluable. And watching him explore different dishes – including some I can’t eat because they’d likely harm me – made the vicarious experience even more inviting.
So like you, maybe, I’m left with a terrible sadness today, and a lot of worry. Seeing (horribly reported) coverage of Kate Spade’s death this week and dreading what will be reported about Bourdain makes me so concerned for everyone who is in a similar dark place. I’ve been in that place. It’s awful, and I want to help you get out of it, even though I know it’s not that easy.
I’m creating this space for you and for me, to I hope, find some comfort and warmth virtually, and to share some of the tiny things I do to keep myself far from that place where terrible is normal and pain seems like the only option. It’s not. And certainly twee lists of happy thoughts are not the first or best choice.
Please, please get help if you’re feeling more pain than you know what to do with. In the US, you can text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained counselor. The National Suicide Prevention Hotline is at 1-800-273-8255.
In Australia, you can contact Lifeline on 13 11 14, Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467
and Beyond Blue on 1300 22 46 36. In the UK there are several options, including Samaritans at 116 223. And there is a list on Wikipedia of hotlines by nation. Me and the internet want you to stick around, k?
And if you’re carrying sadness and worry like I am, I wanted to share a few things that bring me comfort and a little optimism. Among the most simple: dogs. Also cats. As I write this, Wilbur is behind me on the sofa, purring like he’s auditioning for the role of “freight train” in an upcoming film.
Also, and this is silly, trees make me so happy, and give me so much optimism. I freaking love trees. I love learning about how they talk to each other, how they help other plants and younger trees out, and how the trees I walk past each day are older than just about everything around me, including the founding of the US as a nation. There’s one tree that’s probably 600+ years old across the street. I say hi to it daily.
And of course, there’s romance. The comfort and affirmation of being told, “Everything is going to be ok.” That “you are lovable exactly as you are, and deserving of love.” There’s so much power and value in that. The experience of building empathy through reading means we get to experience love, attraction, arousal, and joy each time we read. While it also means for me that I experience ample sadness and anguish when I read about terrible things, I can keep turning back to books I love.
This is obviously not a new topic. We’ve written about our Happy Place Romances, inspired by a tweet thread by author Dahlia Adler. We’ve shared Bad Day Re-Reads and Books that Make it Better. And to go with an illustrated series I commissioned from artist Vicky Scott, A Blanket Made of Books.
I invite you to share what gives you hope, especially the book or books you turn to when you’re feeling a little lost and desolate.
And if you need a little extra boost of joy, I have some pictures here inside the spoiler tag of some furry creatures who want you to hang out with them.
RedHeadedGirl recommends Blair Braverman’s feed of sled dogs puppies who are growing So Fast.
Elyse has some pets for you:
Elyse: “This is JoJo. JoJo used to be afraid of me (and everyone else) but now she’s my reading buddy.”
“And at the cat cafe I receive reading assistance from tiny kitties.”
Amanda here! This is my most recent photo of my cat Linus. Since adopting him August, he’s brought me so much joy. Even though he’s now developed a habit of chewing on my purse handles, I love him to pieces. Linus invites you all over for pets!
We are all sending you love, k? We all want you to have your happily ever after.
I turn to my dogs for comfort; our regal Doberman Gracie, and our Chewbacca-like GSD, Ryder, are so full of love and joie de vivre you can’t help but feel better. Trees…we have a 2 acre lot with huge maple, oak and pine trees. When we were house hunting, I fell in love with the trees. Even told them that we really wanted to buy this house, but could use their help. May sound silly, but after reading The Hidden Life of Trees, I’m in awe of the community they have. I’m with Judi Dench on this topic.
Thank you for your kind and loving thoughts. My feel better things are walking in the woods, messing with the plants in my garden, Beethoven, and cooking, eating, and feeding other people. I used to cook at a soup kitchen/homeless shelter where I would regularly make food for 100+ people. It was a great joy seeing all those people eat and enjoy the food that I made. I know Anthony Bourdain understood the joy of food, and I feel so sad that the joys of this world were not enough to sustain him.
If anyone wants to read a good profile of Bourdain, The New Yorker did one just last year. https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2017/02/13/anthony-bourdains-moveable-feast
I reread Sarah Monette’s Doctrine of Labyrinths books—The Virtu, Melusine, The Mirador, and Corambis. It’s a dark series that wanders dark mazes, but finds its way towards light. It has comforted be over and over.
These are troubled times.
You have created such a wonderful, safe, generous and empathetic space in SBTB.
Thank you.
I read a lot through my work (I create alternate format for students with print disabilities) and some of what I read is horrifying or at least disturbing. I do still read for pleasure, and choose carefully what I read. But when things are truly awful for me, it isn’t books I turn to. It is cooking/baking, and creating crafty things on my sewing machine(s). Too hot to cook/bake right now, but not too hot to sit in front of a fan and one of my favorite Old Ladies (none of my wonderful sewing machines are younger than 40 years old) and create something new. This week it is stuffed Scotty Dogs, but sometimes it’s quilts, or stuffed llamas, or hot pads made from recycled jeans, or bowl lifters so I don’t burn my hands on the leftovers I heated up in the microwave, or any of a number of useful yet pretty things. Creating is my outlet. I am sad this week for my own reasons (but not clinically depressed, just going through a few things post-vacation and post-divorce, you know, like a normal weekday), and even sadder because of the celebrity deaths that awaken the distress and discomfort in my friends who ARE truly suffering from clinical depression. I am glad for the weekend, and machines to sew beautiful things with, and nothing more on my calendar than watering the gardens and doing laundry.
@Karenmc
Have you seen the site associated with @dog_rates? You need to follow Thoughts of Dog @dog_feelings
This site completely encompasses the love that dogs have for the world….
I was in a very dark place a year and a half ago. I was extremely lucky in that I have a gang of three other friends who were keeping tabs on me and made sure things didn’t end very very badly. I saw a quote today that went something like “Suicide is waiting to get you alone in a room so it can kill you.” Please keep an eye out for your friends. Reach out. Go see them even if they don’t want you to come over. Press them if you have a funny feeling about something they’ve said. Call the cops if you need to. That depth of despair is incredibly difficult to explain to someone who hasn’t experienced it.
Thank you all for your lovely and generous posts. Shocked at the news of both deaths. I dragged my husband to San Francisco and ate amazing Greek food, gave all my spare bills and change to those asking for help, came home and am cooking up a storm. Trying to make sense of life. I also rubbed geranium leaves, love the scent and talked to the birch trees. Thank you all, be safe, tell people you appreciate them when you get a chance. Thank for this website, always a good place to visit.
Thanks. I needed to read this right now.
Thank you for your incredibly thoughtful and caring post…and to everyone who has posted such lovely comments. Although I’ve akways been the proverbial worrier, I feel blessed that I’ve never suffered the horrible depressive episodes that have hurt some of my family members and friends, so I’m not speaking from an “I’ve been there” perspective, but one thing that helps keep me grounded and forward-focused is being part of a faith community. I’m a regular churchgoer, active in church functions, and consider myself a Christian (although most emphatically NOT of the Trumpster evangelical variety). If you can find a place of worship that can use your time and talents, while also providing you with spiritual sustenance, you will find your life enriched. I would also advise giving yourself a set limit of time to read/watch/listen to news (especially politics), and unplug from and block toxic people on social media. Just because we’re empathetic, doesn’t give others the right to wound us with their viciousness. Love and best wishes to all who are struggling—I hope you will find some measure of contentment and peace.
Thank you for this post. It was such a nice surprise to receive in the inbox this afternoon amid all the other emails talking about what’s going wrong with the world today. It’s lovely to have a safe space on the internet to go to, where nobody is being mean to each other and arguing and calling each other names. I think those are in short supply these days!
On top of books and tea and nature, my favorite go-to comfort is my beloved dog. She always knows when I’m sad or upset, and her immediate reaction is always OH LET ME LICK YOUR FACE I MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER ALSO LETS CUDDLE until I’m both laughing/really grossed out. It’s amazing how much love from a pet can really help on those days when you’re just done with the world.
Thank you for this post.
Tonight I turned off the news, put away my phone, and sat on the couch with my daughters to snuggle and watch Moana. The line Moana sings to Te’Ka resonates. “They have stolen the heart from inside you / but this does not define you.” I like to interpret “they” based on my mood and the day. “They” might be depressive or anxious thoughts, or abusive men, or the sheer exhaustion of existing right now. But they don’t define me.
Knitting helps remind me that I define me.
Thinking about the way a dogs ears feel so soft when I pet them helps.
A good book with a happy ending helps.
Knowing places like this and people like you all exist helps.
What a lovely column. So comforting. You will never know the good that your comments have done, the comfort that they have brought to people. Who knows what they have averted?
I have felt despair in my life, but never for long, never to the point of considering suicide, thank you, God. Isn’t it sad that two people who brought such joy and interest to the world could not overcome their brain’s bad chemistry, could not get out of their “slough (sp?) of despondence.”
So, what brings me joy when I am down? Flowers. I am lucky enough to be able to have flowers in my house, ALWAYS, if only one rose. Right now, lovely peonies and roses are in bloom which I smell, look at, and adore.
If I cannot find the energy to read, I have a couple of favorite books on tape that take almost no energy to follow and soothe me. They harken back to the time when my mother read me bedtime stories. My favorite is “Bet Me.” Listening to a soothing book is like taking a hot bath.
Take a hot bath. Relax.
Be good to yourself, whether it’s going to your favorite place (mine is by the ocean—lucky,lucky me to live nearby). Look at the sky. Get a dog (or a cat or whatever animal appeals). It’s a lot harder to be lonely when you live with another living thing that is so capable of love, as a dog is. Dogs, in my opinion, are God’s perfect creation.
Watch your favorite movie, as long as it’s life affirming. Watch movies where people are decent and loving. Preferably comedies. I love “The Russians Are Coming, the Russian Are Coming” and “Music and Lyrics” and “Now, Voyager,” or maybe even “Casablanca”. Movies you loved as a kid are especially powerful.
Reread your comfort books.
Call someone who loves you.
Count your blessings.
Count the highlights of your life, and remember them in as great a detail as you can.
Repeat Scarlet’s mantra: “Tomorrow is another day.”
Repeat mine: “It’ll be better tomorrow. I just need to get thru this day/night. I’ll feel better tomorrow.”
Eloisa James has seen me through some tough times. Her beautifully crafted, witty writing is guaranteed to sooth and delight.
Thanks for the lovely post Sarah!
Reading about Anthony Bourdain broke my heart. He has brought so much happiness to my life. I just can’t process it. I went on a flower and bird walk, that helped.
My current working method of dealing with Anxiety/Depression:
weeding and playing flute.
Weeding:
I go to my Mom’s garden, leave my phone in the house, and dig out the iPod. And I let my thoughts drift around until I want to do any of the things that I’ve been procrasinating on.
It works because I’m in movement, it encourages mindfulness (between scratches by weeds and balancing to reach weeds) and it exposes me to sun and air and earth. Also, physically leaving your phone behind you can be as freeing as turning off the news.
Flute:
I actually did a speech on my Toastmaster’s Club on how much I love my tin whistle. Youtube is full of tutorials on flute playing (particularly Disney and radio hits). You don’t have to get it perfect, but it CAN be a sideways approach to regulating your breathing and it gives you a measure of achievement.
Things that have worked in previous weeks:
– Treat yourself as you would your best friend. You’d hug your best friend? Tell them you love them? Do the same to you.
– As many have said already, create with your hands. It doesn’t have to be big things. Dig out coloring pencils and white paper. Or play with those plus-plus things. Or do a macramé bracelet.
– Make an ingratitude list. A cursings list.
– Watch/Read something that will make you cry. Then follow it with something that will make you laugh.
– Watch an 80s rock concert and try to follow the lead singer’s moves (Freddie Mercury or David Lee Roth must be approached with caution, but can be very rewarding)
– Curl up with a pet, a book, cookies and a warm mug.
– Meet up with a friend to walk aimlessly. (Currently voted as “best activity ever” by my inner circle: healthy and cheap.)
– Select an SBTB tag and go read the archives. (D reviews are a pretty safe bet)
For me having things to look forward to makes a huge difference– the farmers market every Saturday, the group I meet with every 2 weeks, or even the long list of upcoming books I get from this website. Anticipation and curiosity are probably the things that have done most to keep me alive through the drowning times. Animals– my cat, dogs at the farmers market, birds I watch outside– are also very encouraging. I cherish every small kindness I receive, and look for every moment of beauty. Thank you so much for this site and this wonderful community, which always makes me think, and gives me hope.
I’m in the same space as JenM, upthread – not depressed, but angry and bitter. (I just deleted the long paragraph dwelling on the reasons, some obvious and some very personal).
SO: How do I manage? 2048. After 3 years without it, I’m back on 2048. Mindless success. Less frustrating than online solitaire.
And CHICKENS. We got 3 chickens back in March because, like some other posters, dogs and cats and allergies. But the chickens are in an amazing coop right outside my kitchen window. When I wash dishes, I watch them chest bump each other or pretend to be dead when they’re just napping in weird positions. They are much more fun than I thought!!! I go out to them all the time and talk to them, when I’m home alone. It’s a good thing for people who can’t have dogs and cats. They’re surprisingly lively and engaging and I feel much better just being with them.
Chickens. Think about it if you can’t have dogs/cats. Might help.
When you mentioned trees, Sarah, I thought of the poem Desiderata, my source of comfort when I feel like nothing makes sense: “You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars, you have a right to be here.” It always gives me comfort to know that we all belong, just as every tree and rock and star belongs. I’ve found that yoga, meditation and mindfulness have really kept the dark thoughts at bay over the last year or so. Staying grounded in the present keeps me from spiraling downward into worry about the future and the past and the things I can’t control.
And also, to add to the comments about Creativity, there is a line in the song La Vie Boheme from Rent that echoes the sentiment from an earlier post: “The opposite of war isn’t peace, it’s creation”. If creation is action and bringing ideas and beauty to life, then it absolutely works in opposition to hate and darkness too. At least it does for me. Gardening, knitting, sewing, crafting with my kids are all the things I live for during the weekends. Honestly it’s my kids, the ultimate expression of creation, that keep me from spiraling too far down on any given day. They are the biggest source of stress in my life, but also a constant reminder that there is light and joy to be found in life.
Thanks for the thoughtful post. The world is a awful place sometimes.
My comfort is, besides reading and tea drinking , a rewatch of my beloved “Golden Girls”. Its like coming home to friends.
I wish i live near a ocean. Sitting on a beach and looking over the sea calms me like nothing else.
And i abolutly love my friends dog Moritz. He is a little Chihuahua and a bundle of joy 🙂
@anonymous
Sadly, this problem is not unique to NYC. In my small town at the other end of the country, the Crisis department exists to do one thing and one thing only: to assess whether the caller is a “danger to yourself” to a point that merits an involuntary psychiatric hold. Adding insult to injury, the number is listed in the phone book under Suicide Prevention. If you need any other kind of help, look elsewhere.
Today I visited a friend who has just come into possession of a litter of 4-week-old orphaned kittens. This will take care of me for quite a while.
I love this site and reading all the different posts on here. This one is comforting to read. For me, comfort is wearing warm pjs (it’s winter here), playing with my dogs, reading a good book in the bath, crafting – I find this really takes my mind off things because I’m just focused on what’s in front of me, and getting off social media – constantly feeling rageful about political things was not good for me.
The world at large feels so much darker than I remember it being before but for any number of reasons I chose to bring a child into it in April. It’s hard for me to balance my awe at her utter beauty with the horror that the news bombards me with daily. I hold onto hope that despite how scary the world feels today that light will triumph because there are so many good, kind people working hard every day to make it a better place.
And yes, we live in a world with both dogs and cats. While people let us down far too often, animals rarely do. I’m feeding my baby at 2:30am in the company of two kitties and a very sweet corgi. No matter how bleak the world seems, I’m loved in my own home.
First- thank you for being so open and honest and caring and wonderful and huggable
Second-adorable pets!
Third-of late I have realized there is no way for a sane person NOT to be depressed in this crazy world. When I have my episodes that are dark (sometimes every day) I know that this is my true self telling me to slow down and listen to what is really bugging me. Sometimes it is the POTUS stink bug, sometimes it is someone I care for that has hurt me or made me confused. What I try to do is give myself some space and time to listen. Often that takes the form of walking my dog. If it’s really really bad then I call someone. I always learn something new about how to care for myself.
I am the child of a suicide victim. However bad it gets I know I will never do that to my kid.
I found myself in a dark place a few years ago. One of my spiritual teachers advised me to be in the sun. I started morning walks, then later trained myself to see something positive daily. Sharing with others on the positive things / deeds you did or seen others did helped generate even more positivity. Baby steps. This too shall past. Hugs.
#LoveisthenewL
What an amazing post. What beautiful replies. I have secondary breast cancer and when I was first diagnosed I turned back to the romance books I read thirty years ago, the last time my world fell apart (thank you Essie Summers, Georgette Heyer, Mary Stewart, Elizabeth Cadell). Looking for more, I found the Bitchery. Books with HEAs help, and this website helps as much. The love and enthusiasm flow from each post is really life enhancing. Thank you Bitches for helping. Another idea: plant something. Even if it’s grass seed in a hollowed out potato or a couple of marigold seeds in a pot. Watching something else struggle to meet the light really helps me.
I’m a few days late on this, but music has long been a for, of comfort to me. Whenever I am in a bad place, I put on some music to relax. I’ve even compiled a Spotify playlist specifically to cheer myself up: https://open.spotify.com/user/1215420025/playlist/6fnhqBziwb3NTsWefWQq9o?si=qyfLjNGZR8u5667Ok1NQiQ
I’m an avid watcher of CNN on the weekends, but I wish I’d had more of a chance to watch Anthony Bourdain’s show when he was still alive. Both losses are sad, though this one has hit me harder than I expected. I know that dark place as well, I can trace my depression decades back to when I was just eight years old.
My long-time fandoms help, especially older cheesy ones (the more fun or cheesy the better), or ones that don’t rely on storylines with a high body count. Or shows like Bourdain’s. Fluffy and familiar books. YouTube videos based on my interests or ones of animals. (The channels Mr. Max TV and TinyKittens HQ are two of my favorites. TinyKittens also has a live feed that’s on nearly 24/7.)
To those that are suffering from depression, please, please tell someone and know that you are loved and not alone.
Speaking from experience, if you’re having a hard time, remember you only have to get through this one day, today. Tomorrow might be better. Certainly, if you hang on, tomorrow will be better at some point. Only one day, that’s doable, right? I have found it so.
Comfort reads: The Secret Garden, The Quiet Gentleman, The Unkown Ajax and The Grand Sophy. Sweetest of all: The Goblin Emperor, by Katherine Addison (aka Sarah Monette).
Moana is a great idea. Thanks!