This has been a week for news (much like many other weeks, alas). With the deaths of Kate Spade and then today Anthony Bourdain, I’ve been thinking a lot about empathy, about how the creative work of an individual can make you feel such powerful emotions. Kate Spade’s designs made so many people, myself included, feel confident, empowered, stylish, and in many cases like an adult. I can’t count the number of times I read this week an account of buying a first Kate Spade bag and feeling finally finally like a full grown-up – that was certainly true for me. I’ve given away several Spade bags here, partly because I like them, and also because I want whoever wins them to feel that happy and confident delight that I felt while shopping for them. Knowing she struggled with the same darkness and anguish makes the light and joy of her creativity more precious to me. The same is true for me of Anthony Bourdain. Seeing the world over his shoulder, learning about different cultures, different creative people obsessed with food, was invaluable. And watching him explore different dishes – including some I can’t eat because they’d likely harm me – made the vicarious experience even more inviting.
So like you, maybe, I’m left with a terrible sadness today, and a lot of worry. Seeing (horribly reported) coverage of Kate Spade’s death this week and dreading what will be reported about Bourdain makes me so concerned for everyone who is in a similar dark place. I’ve been in that place. It’s awful, and I want to help you get out of it, even though I know it’s not that easy.
I’m creating this space for you and for me, to I hope, find some comfort and warmth virtually, and to share some of the tiny things I do to keep myself far from that place where terrible is normal and pain seems like the only option. It’s not. And certainly twee lists of happy thoughts are not the first or best choice.
Please, please get help if you’re feeling more pain than you know what to do with. In the US, you can text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained counselor. The National Suicide Prevention Hotline is at 1-800-273-8255.
In Australia, you can contact Lifeline on 13 11 14, Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467
and Beyond Blue on 1300 22 46 36. In the UK there are several options, including Samaritans at 116 223. And there is a list on Wikipedia of hotlines by nation. Me and the internet want you to stick around, k?
And if you’re carrying sadness and worry like I am, I wanted to share a few things that bring me comfort and a little optimism. Among the most simple: dogs. Also cats. As I write this, Wilbur is behind me on the sofa, purring like he’s auditioning for the role of “freight train” in an upcoming film.
Also, and this is silly, trees make me so happy, and give me so much optimism. I freaking love trees. I love learning about how they talk to each other, how they help other plants and younger trees out, and how the trees I walk past each day are older than just about everything around me, including the founding of the US as a nation. There’s one tree that’s probably 600+ years old across the street. I say hi to it daily.
And of course, there’s romance. The comfort and affirmation of being told, “Everything is going to be ok.” That “you are lovable exactly as you are, and deserving of love.” There’s so much power and value in that. The experience of building empathy through reading means we get to experience love, attraction, arousal, and joy each time we read. While it also means for me that I experience ample sadness and anguish when I read about terrible things, I can keep turning back to books I love.
This is obviously not a new topic. We’ve written about our Happy Place Romances, inspired by a tweet thread by author Dahlia Adler. We’ve shared Bad Day Re-Reads and Books that Make it Better. And to go with an illustrated series I commissioned from artist Vicky Scott, A Blanket Made of Books.
I invite you to share what gives you hope, especially the book or books you turn to when you’re feeling a little lost and desolate.
And if you need a little extra boost of joy, I have some pictures here inside the spoiler tag of some furry creatures who want you to hang out with them.
RedHeadedGirl recommends Blair Braverman’s feed of sled dogs puppies who are growing So Fast.
Elyse has some pets for you:
Elyse: “This is JoJo. JoJo used to be afraid of me (and everyone else) but now she’s my reading buddy.”
“And at the cat cafe I receive reading assistance from tiny kitties.”
Amanda here! This is my most recent photo of my cat Linus. Since adopting him August, he’s brought me so much joy. Even though he’s now developed a habit of chewing on my purse handles, I love him to pieces. Linus invites you all over for pets!
We are all sending you love, k? We all want you to have your happily ever after.
Books and plants are my form of comfort and self care. And hugging my family. Thanks for this beautiful post, it felt like a warm, fuzzy blanket.
Just to make it easy for anyone needing help in Canada from the CBC’s website:
Services are available in English and French/Les services sont disponible en anglais et en francais:
The toll-free National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (NSPL) at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Kids Help Phone: 1-800-668-6868 (Phone), Live Chat counselling at http://www.kidshelpphone.ca
Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention: Find a 24-hour crisis centre/
Association québécoise de prévention du suicide (AQPS) (French): 1-866-APPELLE
Oh, gosh, thank you Milly! I had the tab open and completely missed copying that info. Thank you.
This is such a loving and generous post. Thank you SB Sarah.
If you live in NYC, be VERY careful about the city’s mental health crisis hotline. When I called it, the woman I spoke to literally left me feeling worse and more hopeless — and even though it was a few years ago, I literally still feel worse every time I think about it. She did a lot of damage. It’s entirely possible that she was an outlier and that the rest of the staff is much more helpful, and/or that it’s improved since I called, but after the experience I had, I would not recommend it.
Yes, trees! I’m staring at big, tall ones this morning. I’ve wept this morning at the news. I came here looking for a book rec for comfort. I found this beautiful post. Thank you for your caring and encouraging words. The pics were perfect.
Thank you.
Laila
Thank you. I was having a bad brain day even before I opened up social media and saw the latest bad news. I am going to self-medicate with good Greek food from the Greekfest down the street, and pet my cat and listen to him purr.
Great post! My biggest comfort has always been books and my cats. I think they’ve saved me more than once. I lost my beloved mom suddenly & unexpectedly a few months ago and books were the only thing that could distract me for short periods of time. Love and comfort to all.
First of all: Much love for this post.
My comfort read will always be “Anne of Green Gables”. I’ve been reaching for that book in times of need ever since I was ten, and that hasn’t changed in the past 25 years. (It also means Gilbert Blythe has spoiled me for life in terms of male love interests.)
Not a book, but whenever I feel sad or down, without fail, Gilmore Girls will cheer me up.
I’ve been struggling with my mental health over the past several months (hell–years), and not coincidentally I decided to adopt my dog during that time. He hasn’t had the same effect as what is hopefully the correct medication, but he’s lying here next to me, breathing and watching tennis and occasionally putting his whole face on my laptop to tell me to take a break, and he is a help.
I have a really hard time reading new books when I’m in a bad place, but the series/books I go back to when I need my brain to stop shouting at me are by Victoria Dahl, Shelly Laurenston, Kit Rocha, and Sarah Mayberry. Marathons of Parks & Recreation, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, and Crazy Ex-Girlfriend are also some of my coping mechanisms. And Lucy Parker’s Pretty Face makes me feel like glitter is exploding inside of me.
For an extra tree-related boost: When You Give a Tree an Email Address
“The city of Melbourne assigned trees email addresses so citizens could report problems. Instead, people wrote thousands of love letters to their favorite trees.”
https://www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2015/07/when-you-give-a-tree-an-email-address/398210/
Trees are fascinating to me with my background in polymer physics. Polymeric root to leaf, including two of the sturdiest polymers known in the wood part. The definition of green tech. Reproducible (over long time scales). Very efficient land-based oxygen producers. Huggable.
This seems a little weird, but. . .
My car is my comfort zone. I live with an incipient hoarder and often feel like there’s no room for me in my own house. So I take myself parking. My car is just the 2nd vehicle that I actually consider mine, and it’s a comfy and sturdy Mom car breed. I have a couple of favored parking spots where I can safely sit reading and listening to music with an iced tea by my side. It’s the solitude and space I need till my bladder yells “times up!”
I’d have a cat, but in a house that’s squeezing me out, I can’t picture a cat being happy in such an environment. Also the spouse has a bodacious big spirited, medium sized dog, so no kitty for me. Sigh.
@Lara – I’m so glad I’m not the only one who says things like “I’m having a bad brain day”. I feel much less alone knowing this.
I’ve struggled for many, many years and the last month or two have been really bad. Thanks for the lovely post and reminding me that there are people who actually DO understand.
I’m going to hug a tree later today and think of all of you. And Kate and Anthony, who changed lives the world over.
You, Sarah. You give me hope. You’re such a wonderful, positive force. The work you do is so important. Please don’t ever forget that. In a couple of ass years in politics when it felt like a world of negativity, your podcast and site have reminded me that there are still good people in the world. Big hug and lots of love coming your way. Thank you.
I’m horribly sad over Bourdain, and equally heartbroken for those who left behind. I really wish Eric Ripert hadn’t had to be the one to find him…anyone who’s read about his stepfather in 32 YOLKS knows that this would be horribly triggering for him. And with all Asia Argento has been through lately with the Weinstein stuff, and his daughter…sigh. (One of my friends really loved him, too, and things like this tend to hit her hard.)
Needless to say, I will have the Roger Miller episode of THE MUPPET SHOW on a continuous loop today, and may have to resort to the Sesame Street OLD SCHOOL DVD box set if that doesn’t do the trick. Sigh.
Those *he* left behind, can’t even write today. Sorry.
In addition to books and cats and my best friends, Beethoven helps me when I’m in a dark place. I listen to his music, think about the challenges he overcame, and known that a world
That can produce that music isn’t all bad all the time.
Then
My first Kate Spade bag was straw basket shape with green gingham lining. I bought it to match a vintage dress from the sixties . Her death has been a cloud over me, it’s just so sad. My husband and sons met Anthony Bourdain a few years ago at an airport in Bali. They were on a surfing trip and ended up sharing a meal with him. The experience is something they still talk about. I’m just so sad…..
Music
The sound track to Wicked. Idina Menzel and Kristen Chenowith make me smile, weep, and feel hopeful.
The Greatest Showman soundtrack is quickly moving up the ranks. What a great message that beauty is everywhere, even if you are different, you are just beautiful in your own unique way.
Just remember that in times of sadness and struggle, things get better. Don’t give up on life. We need the specialness that makes you YOU. Even if you don’t see it, know that you are important to this world.
I’m mentally giving hugs to everyone who needs or wants one!!!
Thank you for this post.
I follow @dog_rates on Twitter, and the purity of of it is soul-sustaining. I have two doggos of my own, and they provide joy and comfort.
I’ve learned that writing a thankful post every week on Facebook keeps me turned in the right direction. It makes me actually think about good things, and if I forget it’s Thursday, someone always asks were the post is. It’s truly reduced the percentage of negative thoughts I carry around.
If all else fails, I watch a few Parks and Recreation episodes and channel my inner Leslie Knope.
Thank you, Sarah and all at SBTB.
This post made me tear up here at work at the circ desk at our public library. I love this site.
I am saddened that two well-known people who had lives many dream of chose to end them. What saddens even more me is they are of my age group and I catch myself wondering why. I have been avoiding the news coverage as I would rather remember them in a good way, not as their stories are contorted by the media.
Lately, I have been turning to Christi Caldwell or Grace Burrowes for comfort reads when things get tough. I get lost in the challenges of another time period and that helps a bit. If I need something lighter, I go for a contemporary romance that promises some laughs. I am currently (finally) reading Hot in Hellcat Canyon as an antidote for a brain-fatiguing work week and it has been working. I entirely understand Britt and her unloved plants.
My garden also comforts me. I’ll spend time looking at it or working in it. I recently had some problems to think through for work, so I took trowel in hand and worked through them in my garden with the ever faithful Poodle at my side. I have a new shade garden and the flower bed around our farm sign will be popping with red flowers this summer.
I didn’t see the news about Anthony Bourdain until I got to work, by which time I was already in a tearing good mood (for various reasons) that the news has not managed to fully quell. I really admired him. Knowing a bit about him, I would have thought that *if* he were going to check out, it would be during a production hiatus. I hope that his fans, and Kate Spade’s, can find some comfort.
Also, about trees … they are excellent therapists.
Thank you for writing this, Sarah. This week has been really hard and I’ve been making a list this morning about how to take care of myself emotionally. Things that make me feel better: Romance novels, animals and gardening. Love and compassion to all of you / us struggling right now. ♥️
I decided to give away a skein of yarn on my Instagram, because I see my friends struggling (and I am too) and wanted to do some good and bring some kindness into the world. (I’m ktb38 on Instagram if you care to enter)
I got out my little house and Anne of green gables books to reread. They always make me feel happy. I’ve also been reading lots of zombie books, which I enjoy.
And I’ve been baking a lot more, and making ice cream.
Something told me the Bitches would be a good place to visit this morning and it was correct. Thanks, Sarah.
Hello darkness my old friend. Even before all this hit the fan I’ve been going through a lot of emotional labor recently, sorting through my late husband’s things and trying to decide what to keep and what to do with the rest; and also going through some old letters from a friend who committed suicide several years ago. Sometimes it’s hard not blaming myself for failing, but then I have to remind myself that you can’t save people who don’t know they need saving. And I am not personally responsible for the well being of everyone I know, even though I often feel like it.
Some things I do to help push back the darkness:
CREATE. Make something. Anything. I heard a song a while back that says “The opposite of hate is creativity.” It is an expression of life and joy and challenge in the face of destruction. Even if all you’re doing is depicting your darkness, that’s still siphoning it out of you and giving it a form you can deal with – rip it up, burn it, crumple it, throw it away. Free yourself.
Take a walk in nature. It reminds you that life and beauty is all around you. Find a place of peace and walk the hurt and anger out. On days when I can’t even walk I will just sit in one of the swings by the pond in our park and watch the froggos plop in. It’s very soothing and it helps.
Bake your favorite treat. Even if you’re on a diet. Just give yourself that one little boost of serotonin. And if you don’t want to keep it around the house lest you eat it all, take it to the office or church or wherever and share. That makes everybody around you feel good too.
Hug your family. Hug your friends. Hug anybody who happens to be around. Play a game or do something nice for the people you love. Giving love makes you feel a whole lot better and reminds you of all the people and things you have to be thankful for.
And one of the things I am thankful for is this website, Sarah and her caring, inclusive personality and the wonderful community here that always rallies around each other and supports each other. Thank you for this post and for being here.
Thank you so much for sharing this today! I have loved ones that struggle with depression so this week (and especially today) has been really emotional for me. I hope the outpouring of love and compassion in so many online spaces reaches the people who need it most right now.
One thing I’ve done lately to ease stress and anxiety – TURN OFF THE NEWS. Watching it makes me certain the world is going to explode any second. So just don’t look at it if it makes you feel that way too. Instead, I’ve been listening to tons of classical music, reading lots of romance, and spending time in my yard. I love the trees, the plants and flowers, the hummingbirds at my feeders and watching the robins splash in the birdbath. Enjoying all the beautiful things in the world, small and large, makes me happy. Life is awesome. If you don’t feel that way, please seek help, talk to someone. There are lots of resources out there.
As if we needed another reason to love this place. Opening the Sending You Love and Comfort email this morning was exactly that.
Ironically, Google Chrome tells me the website is not secure (https). My response is that this is one of the most secure places on the internet, if we’re talking about what really matters. Thank you, all.
This helped me today. Thank you
I’ve had a week already (first week of summer vacation and an older gentleman ran a stop sign, turned left in front of me and now my car is totalled and i have whiplash. also i was stung by hornets the same day.). The thing i thought when i read about Kate Spade was–I get it. I understand how no matter how it looks from the outside, you can be living in hell. I had to get my prescription adjusted a few months ago and it’s been like being human again honestly. That doesn’t mean it’s easy or that things like this don’t hit hard. They do. I think about the children left behind in these cases, and I think about all that both individuals contributed to the larger world creatively.
I used to watch No Reservations all the time. I liked Bourdain’s outspokenness, his articulate ability to cut to the heart of things unapologetically.
Also, this is super tacky but i’ll say it here–I always thought Tony Bourdain was really hot. /hangs head in shame/
I’m with EC Spurlock, creation is my go to. When the world is dark, time spent with needle and thread are what I crave.
My heart is breaking for the children left behind who will always believe that it has something to do with them. How awful that even love for your child can’t ease your despair. And that the most of the world will view their deaths as failures of character rather than the ultimate symptom of a terrible illness.
Thank you for this lovely post. I’ve never had trouble with depression before but ever since November 2016, I’ve been mired in the hole and can’t seem to pull out. Not so much sad, just horribly angry and bitter. Waking up to the news about Anthony Bourdain this morning made me cry. I’m both a foodie and a big traveler and his utter zest for life and experience was so inspiring to me.
Sadly, I’m allergic to both cats and dogs, and can’t have either in my house, but we have a grove of redwoods in our backyard and a hummingbird feeder that attracted a mated pair who are now nesting in one of our trees. Both of these things never fail to make me smile. Thank you for reminding me to look up and look around this morning.
@Lora no shame! I was talking with some of the people at work today about how Anthony Bourdain was a celebrity crush for many of us.
Thank you for this post, it means a lot on week’s like this. And this “The comfort and affirmation of being told, “Everything is going to be ok.” That “you are lovable exactly as you are, and deserving of love.” There’s so much power and value in that.” has been one of the reasons I treasure the genre and this website in creating a space that celebrates it.
This has been a very sad week. Thank you for this loving post, and thanks to all the commenters who share their thoughts and feelings.
Some things I do to comfort myself-reading of course, Rosamunde Pilcher being an author that soothes me. I also will watch the TV series Scrubs, and get out my Mutts comic books, I think I have the first 6. As others have said, getting out in nature really helps elevate my mood, hearing the wind through the trees, the birds singing-I’m lucky I have nice trails not too far from my home.
The film about Mr. Rogers-Won’t You Be My Neighbor?-is getting incredible reviews, and it sounds like a movie that would be great to see right now. Unfortunately it isn’t showing in my area, but it might be a comfort to other people.
If someone you know hints at feeling suicidal, please ask them if they’re thinking of hurting themselves. If they say yes, ask them if they have a plan. However, regardless of if they have a plan or not, if they admit that they are thinking of hurting themselves then please help them reach out to the resources elaborated on in this post.
I’ve struggled with depression since I was a teenager. I still have trouble feeling happiness or pleasure — sometimes I avoid doing things I love like reading a good book because I’m afraid it won’t make me feel anything… it’s kind of a vicious circle. But I’ve had moments of beauty and love and happiness which remind me that I am deserving of all those things, and that keeps me going thru the bleak times.
There is always joy around the corner, like a sunrise waiting for you! Sometimes the night can be long and cold but you can find a kind of peace that keeps you going through the darkness… a friend, a hobby, a beloved pet, a routine, etc. You can make it!