Elyse Watches The Bachelorette–Episode Two: Breakin’ Shit

Happy Monday. It’s the day of week when I get drunk and watch The Bachelorette so you don’t have to.

Last week was the season premiere, and a whole lot of people tuned in to see Becca Kufrin start her “journey” toward true love. On last season’s Bachelor Becca was horribly dumped by Arie Fuckthatguy, Jr after they became engaged.

Now it’s Becca’s turn and she’s not putting up with any shit.

For example, last week she sent home Jake, an acquaintance of hers from Minnesota, before The Dreaded Rose Ceremony. She didn’t get why Jake had the opportunity to ask her out back home, but waited to pursue her until the show.

She also sent home Kamil who listed his job as “social media participant.”

After the show we found out via Romper that Trent was the model for Texas Destiny by Lorraine Heath.

Fair warning, I may have pregamed tonight’s episode a little bit so it’s gonna get rambley, folks. Also tomorrow is Editing Tuesday and Sarah is going to have questions for me and I’ll be all like:

Anyway, it’s time to get this shit show started.

Chris Harrison assembles the dudes and warns them that Becca is serious about finding true love, and, basically, don’t waste your time with her.

I can see Chris trying to make up for the disaster that was last season, but I am not here for it. I do not forgive you, Christopher.

First up is a group date where several of the guys, including male model Jordan, start by putting on tuxedos. Becca is wearing a very wedding dress-y gown. Jordan demonstrates his modeling abilities which…thank the Lord he’s pretty.

Look, I love Sweet, Dumb Jordan. I really do. He might be one of my favorites. But if they do any kind of activity in the wilderness, I really hope they institute a buddy system for his safety.

So after the dudes are all fancied up, they go outside where Rachel and Bryan (last season’s Bachelorette and her fiancé) are waiting. There’s an obstacle course that starts with a race with a ball and chain strapped to each dude’s ankle and proceeds to get pretty messy Double Dare style. It ends with them having to face dive into a cake to find an engagement ring without using their hands.

Lincoln wins the obstacle course, but some of the other dudes feel like he cheated. He wins  a “wedding” portrait with Becca under a flowered arch. During the cocktail portion of the date she gives him the picture of them framed. They also kiss on one of the drinking couches.

Lincoln says, “Kissing Becca is like flying to the moon on the wings of a Pegasus while dancing with unicorns on a pot of gold.”

I…okay.

Then Clay breaks out the first “here for the right reasons” so everyone take a shot.

Lincoln is hamming it up with his picture of him and Becca, kissing it, talking to it, which is annoying the other dudes. Connor takes the picture and throws it out a window, and it lands in a pool.

“You think I’m going to get up and fight you and make a scene?” Lincoln asks him. “No. I was raised better than that. My mum would kill me if I acted that way. What kind of person does that?”

So then Lincoln tells Becca he needs a new picture of them because Connor threw theirs in the pool, and Connor, from the other room is mad that Lincoln “escalated it.” Which is dude code for “Waah, I don’t like being held accountable for my actions.”

Also Lincoln says he feels unsafe because of how quickly Connor’s behavior went from irritated to taking shit out on inanimate objects. And I think it’s significant to point out that in the scene where Connor did throw the picture, Lincoln was one of two Black men in the room. Everyone else was White and acting irritated with him and drinking, and yeah, I get the unsafe comment.

Becca, The Most Splendid Queen of Not Here for Your Shit, goes to talk to Connor and is not happy with his aggression.

Connor tries to down play it as “it rubbed me the wrong way.”

Becca tucks her hair behind her ear and says calmly, “Have you ever reacted that strongly in the past?”

Ohhhh, shit. He does not see where this is going.

“I really haven’t. I just don’t think he’s a genuine guy and having that dangling in front of our faces. I don’t think it’s appropriate.”

Becca continues, “Here’s the thing, I’m looking for a man who can still stay respectful and handle himself well. And I want to get to know you for you, I want you to get to know me, and I don’t want to deal with the bullshit of the drama with the other guys. ”

So then Connor is like “oh shit,” and he backpedals really poorly and starts sweating nad says something like “I didn’t like that it ended like that” which still isn’t taking any accountability. Then he tacks on something about just wanting to spend time with her.

And our Most Splendid Queen says, “Well, I’m going to think. Right now probably isn’t the best time to keep getting to know each other.”

YESSSSS

She says this like she’s debating actual execution.

Connor says. “I’m feeling almost embarrassed.”

Almost.

The next day Lincoln is talking to some of the other dudes about the incident. They’re being supportive but he actually breaks down into tears because he felt like the photo was really important to him, a trophy of achieving something for Becca, and he was disrespected when it was broken. I can’t tell if the tears are real or he’s tired or what.

Another faction of dudes finds the tears hard to believe.

Jordan says, “He’s showing ingenuinity.” He then asks how much time you have to spend in the UK to get that accent.

I…Lincoln is from Nigeria, Jordan.

Nobody leave Jordan alone with any  matches, ok?

Then it’s time for Blake’s one-on-one date with Becca. Chris Harrison meets them outside a warehouse, holding a sledgehammer.

HAS HE FINALLY SNAPPED? IS THIS IT? OH FUCK, RUN, YOU GUYS!

Oh. Nevermind. Blake and Becca get to put on protective gear and smash the shit out of stuff, and I am so here for this. I want to do this so badly.

The warehouse is full of things Becca would want to break into teeny tiny pieces.

THERE’S A RACECAR YOU GUYS.

There are monitors playing Arie’s proposal. The couch that he broke up with her on is there.

Then Lil Jon shows up because…I don’t know. He wasn’t part of their relationship and I’m pretty sure they aren’t supposed to smash him. I’m confused but Becca is destroying towers of champagne and I’m so happy right now.

Lil Jon is cheering her on.

Honestly the breaking of shit looks super fun. Especially when they break the TVs with Arie’s stupid face on it. Overall both of them seem delighted by the date.

During dinner, Becca gives Blake a rose and they kiss.

The next day is the second group date. A bus picks a bunch a of the dudes up and takes them to a school gym where three little kids put them through their paces in dodgeball drills. The little girl screams verbal abuse at the dudes about their lack of dodgeball ability, and it’s kind of amazing to watch them all cower away from her.

“You’re trash!” One of the kids screams. “Do you think Becca wants trash?!”

Then they head to an arena to play dodgeball in front of a live audience. Fred Willis joins Chris Harrison in the announcers booth. The green team wins, but Leo stands out as the key player of the pink team.

Fred Willis talks about naked volleyball and Chris Harrison looks uncomfortable.

So then during the after party Colton says he’s nervous because he has to have a conversation with Becca. Turns out that Colton had a prior relationship with Tia (a contestant from last season’s Bachelor), and Becca and Tia are friends.

So then they snuggle up on a Drinking Couch and Colton lets Becca know that he and Tia spent a weekend together in January, but that he didn’t really feel a connection with her.

Becca says she needs some time to think about it. She wonders if he came on the show hoping Tia would be The Bachelorette. In the end, Wills gets the group date rose.

Then it’s time for the pre Dreaded Rose Ceremony cocktail party. Becca is wearing an amazing blue glittery dress. She starts off the night by saying she’s disappointed in some of the guys (WE ARE LOOKING AT YOU CONNOR) and a few of them, notably Clay, make an effort to cheer her up.

Connor gives her a picture of him to break and throw in the pool. Once again he’s missing the point entirely as he didn’t apologize to Lincoln.

Then shit gets weird and we have Sweet, Dumb Jordan to thank for that.

Honestly I’m not even sure why I like him. Well, I’m kind of sure. We had this Boston Terrier growing up named Reggie. Reggie was super dumb, but also super happy and he always managed to make the day interesting. Sometimes he scared himself when he farted. Sometimes he got stuck behind the couch because he didn’t remember how to turn around. I’m pretty sure one time he got his head stuck in a sock.

I think my affection for Jordan is largely Reggie nostalgia, because objectively the guy is a douche, but he’s also livening things up and I also wouldn’t trust him too much around socks.

Jordan goes upstairs and takes off his clothes.

I am not making this up.

Then he comes back downstairs.

The camera pulls out and we see he at least has underwear on.

So let’s just process this for a minute: when challenged, Sweet, Dumb Jordan’s instinct is to just take off his pants. That’s…that’s not going to work out well for him in the long term.

David and Becca are talking and Jordan just walks up to them, budgies smuggled, banana hammocked.

David gets up and walks away. Jordan says to Becca, “I don’t want you to misinterpret me as some guy who’s 007’d all the time, cuz I’m not.”

I…okay. Is Jordan concerned we think he’s a spy because…

“I like to live life on the edge, but as a gentleman,” says Jordan who is currently not wearing pants. “Like, my hair is going to always be pretty well kept.”

Then he starts talking about having kids…I think.

Honestly Rich and I rewound this and listened to it like twenty times, and this is my best guess as to what he said:

“I just wanna come here and be me. And like talk about having a mini me or something. That’s also a good passion for me. Like having a little Jordan. Like I could call him, possibly, Jordy, just old Junior.” Then he pats his naked shoulder. “Right here. Ice cream cone. J-wagon. And some tunes on.”

My husband asked, “Is he maybe having a stroke right now?”

Becca just downs her glass of wine and smiles occasionally. Kind of like we did when Reggie scare-farted himself.

Jordan may think this behavior is cute (or may have forgotten how pants work) but exposing people to your barely concealed junk is toxic and disgusting, and the fact that he’s okay with it tells me he doesn’t understand boundaries or the importance of making the people he is with feel safe

David approaches Jordan and suggests that what he did was not cool. “Do you think that was respectful to Becca?”

Now wrapped in a pink faux-fur throw Jordan, missing the point entirely, says, “It was very comparable to swimwear.”

“I don’t… I don’t have much more to say other than you’re in the wrong. I don’t think you understand what I’m saying,” David says, flabbergasted. “I hope she’s able to see the ingenuine side of you.”

“It’s called ingenuinity, “Jordan corrects him.

I AM NOT MAKING ANY OF THIS UP.

Then Becca talks to Colton and tells him she’s having a hard time investing in a relationship with him when she doesn’t know what his feelings about Tia were/are.

And finally, finally it’s time for The Dreaded Rose Ceremony. Jordan is still in the pink throw blanket.

Much to my disappointment, Connor gets a rose.

Sweet, Dumb Jordan gets a rose. When Becca asks him where she should pin the boutonniere, he tells her to stick it in his cleavage.

Lincoln gets a rose.

Then Chris Harrison emerges from a miasma of despair, pulls his cloak more tightly around him, and announces we are down to the final rose.

THANKS CHRIS.

Colton gets a rose.

Alex, Trent and Rickey go home.

And we’re only on episode two folks.

Are you watching? Are you drinking?