Welcome to Monday.
It’s the first day of the work week for me, and also the day when I come home, get drunk, and watch The Bachelorette so you don’t have to.
Clearly, I love you guys.
This season has been a garbage fire so far. Last week Jean Blanc gave Becca some perfume, told her he loved her, and then when she told him she didn’t feel the same way, asked for the perfume back and told her he only said what he thought she wanted to hear. Gross, Dumb Jordan took his pants off again. Honestly the highlight was Becca’s date with Wills and all he did was wisely shut up. It’s a low bar, I guess.
Then Chris Harrison showed up and told everyone we were going “STRAIGHT TO ROSE” in the same tone I’d reserve for a tornado bearing down on me. Becca let some guys go, but Gross, Dumb Jordan wasn’t among them.
Basically, tonight will be an improvement if everyone keeps their goddamned pants on. That’s how far we’ve fallen.
Pour yourself an adult beverage. It’s time for the show!
This week, everyone goes to Vegas and the guys seem unreasonably excited. Then again, when you’ve been sleeping on bunk beds in a McMansion, with Chris Harrison’s ominous cackling echoing up from the basement, I guess a luxury suite at the Atria is a big step up.
Colton gets the first one-on-one date. To get over the “humps” of their pasts (with Tia and Arie respectively) they go on a camel ride through the desert…to a conveniently placed hot tub.
Jesus Christ. It’s like they’re not even trying anymore. Someone had a Groupon for camel rides and they just wheeled the ubiquitous hot tub in after them. Creeper camels graze in the background while they make out in the hot tub.
At dinner Becca says, “It was so magical. So different. Riding on a camel. Sitting in a hot tub in the middle of the desert.” I was going with random versus magical, but you do you, Becca.
“We were in the middle of the desert in a hot tub!” Becca exclaims again.
WE KNOW. WE WERE THERE. IT WAS WEIRD.
We cut back to the hotel suite where the guys get their group date card. By process of elimination we know that Gross, Dumb Jordan and David (who drunkenly broke his face) are going on the two-on-one date together (which is way less pornographic than it sounds).
Jordan is wearing a white polo and he looks a LOT like Freddie from Scooby Doo, minus that ascot thingy.
David, whose face is still pretty beaten up, says, “One of us is going to get a rose. One isn’t. There is no planet in which Jordan and Becca are compatible. Becca is an intellectual. Jordan is an idiot.”
Actually I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. I’m wondering if Gross, Dumb Jordan is cultivating this brand of being an idiot or if he’s genuinely that dumb. And the truth is, I can’t tell. I’m almost leaning toward genuinely that dumb. He looks startled a lot of the time, like he’s constantly surprised by things like cameras and other people being around the reality TV filming they are doing. He also kinda looks like he has the nervous farts all the time.
So anyway, Becca gives Colton a rose because how of how magical their hot tub/camel date was, I guess.
Next up is the group date and the guys meet with Wayne Newton to write a song for Becca.
Remember when I said the camel/hot tub date was weird?
I take that back.
Check this shit out:
Why is Wayne Newton sitting so close to them? Why is he smiling like that? Is that a cigarette in his hand?
What were the staging directions for this scene? “You guys have a romantic moment, and Wayne, I’m gonna need you to sit like three feet away and stare super intently at them while smiling like you want to wear Connor’s face. Can you do that for me, bro?”
Like honestly, the only possible context I can come up with for this photo is “This picture was taken moments before the murders, your honor.”
I’M SO UNCOMFORTABLE RIGHT NOW.
Unless…unless oh my god, what if Wayne Newton is the Rose God. What if it’s ALL BEEN LEADING TO THIS MOMENT. Here he is, temporarily able to abide sunlight after feasting off of Arie, outside in his “mortal” guise, grinning evilly.
I just took a real big drink.
So the guys sit around the Newton property writing lyrics. Wayne wanders around and I’m going to say something uncharitable here, but Wayne looks…doesn’t look good. He is a color of orange that is not found in nature. I’m not actually sure if he’s able to stop smiling or if his face is just that way now.
Also I just learned that Wayne Newton and Tom Jones are not the same person apparently.
Rich: “What? I don’t…”
Me: “So there are two older singers in Vegas whom people throw panties at?”
Rich: “I… Nobody is throwing their panties at Wayne Newton, Elyse.”
Wayne is not impressed with the dudes. “There’s nothing I’ve heard today that I would rush out on stage to do.” He adds, “I was impressed with…” he pauses “their ability to rhyme.”
OUCH.
So then the dudes have to perform their songs, which are to the tune of Danke Schoen, live in front of a full audience.
It’s not…it’s not good. It’s REAL bad, you guys.
Ain’t nobody throwing panties.
“They’re kinda crashing and burning,” Becca says charitably.
Then, at the end, Chris kinda nails it. He knows he’s awful but he orders a tequila water and just fucking goes for it.
“I recall when Arie dropped the ball,” he sings, “but you recovered with grace, and I’m here to take his place.” The crowd goes nuts.
Then it’s time for the cocktail party.
Blake tells Becca he’s falling in love with her. Becca tells the camera that she’s falling in love with him too. Chris is worried because he didn’t have one-on-one time with Becca and he didn’t get the group date rose. Instead it goes to Blake.
He goes into a little man-tantrum. “I’m actually shocked, to be honest with you. My theory is if you want something, you make time for it. It shows I’m going home,” he says.
The other guys point out that he’s escalating this and that not getting the group date rose doesn’t mean anything.
Chris continues to rant and says he’s thinking about just leaving. “For her not to spend time with me tonight, it makes me wonder if I even want to be here now. If I went home tonight Becca would definitely regret it. She would miss out on an amazing best friend and future partner. And the opportunity for true fucking love.”
Yeah. She’s really missing out, asshole.
So then it’s time for the two-on-one date with Gross, Dumb Jordan and David. Jordan remembered his pants today. A limo takes the dudes to the desert where Becca is waiting by a Jeep. They go for a drive and stop by a canopy bed set up with picnic items, and of course, booze.
Becca talks to David first and three whole seconds into their conversation he tells her that Jordan isn’t there for the right reasons (everyone take a shot). David says that Jordan has been eyeing up other women in the casino and has suggested he’d be settling for Becca. This is especially hurtful as Arie said he viewed Becca as “the safe choice” and then left her for Lauren.
So then because we’re in middle school, Becca immediately goes to talk to Jordan about what David told her. Jordan says David is lying. Then we get an actual, honest moment with Jordan.
“There’s a lot more to me, and that’s why I was excited for this. Because I want to give you that depth. I want to dive deeper,” he says. “The reason I can love unconditionally and be such a loyal partner is because I’ve watched my, for 27 years now, my father love my mom. And my mom has multiple mental illnesses, okay? And as a little kid, it was always the best times that were the worst times. The times that were supposed to mean a lot got crushed. So I can deal with anything in life. I come from nothing. There were times when I didn’t even have electricity, ok? I’ve fought for everything. And I’ll fight for you.”
Jordan walks up to David and says, “So you fed her the most hurtful thing a girl could hear, and told Becca I told you I’d be settling?”
Who is this person and where did Gross, Dumb Jordan go?
“Love is the greatest power on earth!” he shouts. “Being me is my greatest power! Being you isn’t your greatest power which is why you gotta talk about me!”
Oh. There he is.
Becca tells them both she’s very frustrated. They both continue to squabble over her. Becca asks if the word “settling” was ever actually used.
“It came up in conversation at one point,” David says.
“This is frustrating, this is annoying, this is petty,” Becca replies and walks off.
When she comes back she tells David he’s going home. She’s not giving Jordan the date rose though.
Then Gross, Dumb Jordan and Becca walk away, leaving David to die alone in the desert, presumably.
Back at the hotel, the other guys are shocked to see a staff member grab David’s luggage, not Jordan’s.
Guys. There’s still 45 minutes of this.
So then Becca and Gross, Dumb Jordan go to dinner.
“So I want to know what’s a weekend look like for you?” Jordan asks, slamming champagne.
“It depends, honestly,” Becca says.
“YEAH ME TOO.” Jordan interrupts her enthusiastically.
Becca says she likes to read in bed on Saturday mornings.
Jordan, glassy eyed from booze says, “So what I do in my spare time, like, obviously the gym is a big deal. Like being fit is a part of being in the industry. Skin care. Hair. I really do put a lot of time into it and that’s where I’ve had my success.”
I just want you all to know that Jordan is a really fast mumble-talker and I have to listen to everything he says three fucking times to get it all down.
“How realistic is Zoolander,” Becca asks.
“Unfortunately, Zoolander is extremely accurate,” he says.
So then Jordan demonstrates all his facial expressions for Becca.
“I wish we could just get my portfolio out!” he says.
“Someone, please!” Becca says sarcastically.
At the end of the date, Becca tells Jordan she doesn’t feel like their relationship is progressing and she’s not giving him a rose. Jordan honestly looks crushed.
The next night it’s time for the pre-Dreaded Rose Ceremony cocktail party, and we’re down to ten guys.
First up Becca talks to Chris. Chris starts out with, “I feel like you owe me 50,000 kisses.”
“What? I owe you?” Becca laughs.
“The other night, at the group date, I didn’t get to talk to you or hang out with you. And then you gave out the rose and it was kind of a shocker,” he says.
Becca says that he didn’t take the initiative to find her and that she knows he’s not sure if he wants to be there.
Chris tries to tell her that he’s invested in her, but it’s clear she’s disappointed and she says she needs time to think.
“It just hurt me to see her think that I want to leave,” Chris tells Colton and Blake. “I don’t. If had wanted to leave, I would already have left. But I didn’t because I actually really like this girl. Like a lot. And she’s doubting me?”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO LEAVE YOU LITTLE WHINY MAN CHILD.
“She won’t even look at me. Like in my eye,” Chris says, and starts tearing up.
So then Chris goes over to where Wills and Becca are talking.
“Can I steal you away?” he asks Becca.
“We just sat down,” she says.
“But like can I steal you away?” he asks. “You just sat down?”
“We just did, yeah,” she says.
“Wills, can I steal her away?”
JESUS CHRIST. THIS DUDE DOES NOT UNDERSTAND REJECTION.
So Wills gives Chris a minute to babble at Becca and then comes back. Chris tells him he’s not done yet.
“I’m going to ask you politely to get up please,” Wills says.
“I can’t get a few more minutes?” Chris asks.
“No.”
There’s a lot of tense staring and Becca diffuses it by saying she’ll find Chris in a minute. When Wills gets back from talking with Becca, Chris lets him know he’s pissed that Wills didn’t give him more time with Becca.
The other guys kinda call him out on being a dick and we get like two solid minutes of a bunch of guys saying, “I know but let me talk” over each other.
True to her word, Becca comes back for Chris, who categorizes the situation as “flusterating.”
“I’m legitimately falling for you,” Chris tells her.
“Then why were you so quick to maybe jump ship?” she asks.
Chris returns to the drinking couch. Chris Harrison appears to tell everyone: “It’s that time.”
The Rose God must feast.
They hold The Dreaded Rose Ceremony by the hotel pool. There’s a lot of dramatic music. For some reason Connor’s shit is all the way unbuttoned.
Then we’re down to John and Chris. The final rose goes to…Chris.
WHY?
I don’t even know anymore.
And that’s it for tonight’s episode. Are you still watching? Do you think Gross, Dumb Jordan’s dumbness was all an act?
Other than a criminal investigation, I can’t think of any situation in which it would be advantageous for an intelligent man to be perceived as a moron, so I’m going with authentically dumb.
I take that back. A criminal mastermind would use this television appearance to establish himself as an idiot in the eyes of the world so even if he got caught red-handed, the cops would say, “Nah, that’s Dumb Jordan from the Bachelorette. He emptied his cognitive tank this morning when he remembered to put on pants. He’s clearly not the international jewel thief who’s been eluding Interpol for decades. Let him go.”
Jordan is Keyser Söze, and Wayne Newton is the Rose God.
“Being me is my greatest power! Being you isn’t your greatest power which is why you gotta talk about me!” To me this sounds like something from a self help book aimed at teen girls who are being bullied, and kind of rings true for the situation. Jordan sounds like he is pretty comfortable with who he is and doesn’t feel/see the need to change, he likes himself and assumes he’s getting roses because Becca likes who he is. David wasn’t relying on his own charm or personality to get a rose from Becca, he decided the best strategy was to tear Jordan down rather than rely on being himself to get a rose. Jordan definitely should have gone home before now, but I feel like he was being his genuine self the entire time.
Also, I’d be down to read a series where in the first book one of the men seems completely dumb and a little awful, but then he gets to be the hero of a story and he’s still a little dumb but smart in ways that matter, like he stays true to himself and is caring and is a good guy.
@Alexandra – that’s Turnip’s book in the Pink Carnation series. He’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but he’s sweet and caring and all around a really good guy.
If they filmed this episode recently, I hope they had a portable air conditioner because I was in Vegas a couple of weeks ago and IT WAS HOT.
I stayed at Aria too. If the Batchlorette people had been there and I’d known about it, things could have gotten interesting. Mwahah!
“Hey, Jordan, you put on pants! GOOD JOB!” ringing across the casino floor.
My friend who actually watches this show told me that David was actually the one who had never seen any of either shows, except he watched Becca’s season of the bachelor. So he didn’t know any of the tropes and he kept falling right into the producers hands because he really had no clue about the show at all.
@genie- thank you! I checked it out from the library already! I feel like ina lot of the books I’ve read lately the heroes are the richest/most powerful/smartest/best at everything, which is fine, I love those heroes, I’m just ready for a little change of pace.
@Alexandra: If you like Turnip, Lauren Willig was also kind enough to write a “sexytimes for Turnip” short story after reader SBTB demand. We had a contest to design the cover, and she published it as a digital short PDF on her website.
Please note – this takes place AFTER the book, so don’t read it first!
I feel like Gross, Dumb Jordan is the season villain and they’re going to find reasons to keep him around for a good long while.
Not wearing pants is a dick move and could easily be seen as an attempt to intimidate Becca.
However, Jordan is not actually the worst of the bunch.
I hate that I know this, but that’s not a picture of David. It’s a picture of Canadian Daniel, from previous seasons, who is like Jordan, but worse. Not that it matters. They all look the same.
JUSTICE FOR VENMO JOHN!
I’m thinking he’s that dumb. Maybe the producers had him play it up initially, but i’m voting for strictly dumb.
I also love the hell out of this show and your recap makes it so much funnier. Thank you.
Also, DH and I think that Chris and Connor both have bad tempers and are potentially abusive. They need to go. DH also thinks Blake is a dick.
Jordan is Keyser Soze. Prove me wrong.
So, I had to recap this for my twin 14 yo’s who are away. They are captivated by Jordan’s stupidity and live for the bachelorzone memes on insta. I have to agree with them. Jordan’s look of complete confusion while Becca was holding the rose and not actually putting it on him said it all. He sat there in silence until she told him she’d walk him out. He was clueless until he was in the car and they were driving away! Maybe a producer had to explain what was going on.
@RaccoonMama I have no idea how you can go on this show and not watch previous seasons. I couldn’t understand how David was so qucik to dig his own grave…his words about Jordan could have been lifted verbatim from either a previous Bachelor or Bachelorette season. But now I totally get it.
@Prathi Holy crap you’re right. I took a second look and – lord, how do I know this?? – that is definitely Canadian Daniel.
Two things:
@Alexandra
Loretta Chase has a couple of heroes that are–shall we say–non-intellectual. My favorite is Rupert Carsington from Mr. Impossible, but Harry Fairfax, Earl of Longmore, from Scandal Wears Satin, has a similar vibe. I liked both better than Turnip, but that’s probably because I’m a major Chase fan. Turnip’s ok though.
The other thing is a question. Does shit really have buttons, or is that a Kraken induced, Freudian typo there at the Rose Ceremony?
“For some reason Connor’s shit is all the way unbuttoned.”
Um — you could say that about all of them…
Also @9MirandaB hoping that pun was intentional.
Seriously, Becca, throw them all out and start over!!
I feel like it’s really time for us to have a GET WELL STAY STRONG party for your liver.
Alexandra, if you want a romance where the hero is not too bright but the greatest guy, it’s Cotillion by Georgette Heyer.
Elyse, I started watching the Bachelorette because of your wonderfully snarky recaps and the only thing I can say is it’s like watching a train wreck. People are dying but you can’t take your eyes away because it’s so awful. Each and every one.
For a traditional non-intellectual hero, see also Freddy of Georgette Heyer’s Cotillion.
I’m not watching… I’m just reading your recap. I watched a few times and you’re much more entertaining! Love you… and Rich… and the cats!!
So, when you are going to start giving the same treatment to “The Proposal” I mean it’s on right after the Bachelor so you could just keep right on drinking. I finally watched the first episode last night. It’s even more of a train wreck than the Bachelor!
I actually watched it last night, well, because I’d just had half a bottle of wine, when usually I’m ready for bed when it’s about to start.
Jordon cracks me up! I can’t decide if he really is a blond ‘Himbo’ or a cultivated character. After the credits rolling, we were given a scene of Jordon preparing for his date with a facial. He talked about looking after his skin, his hair and good wardrobe – and then… he’s ironing. With skill. He irons…
I don’t know ladies, good hygiene, he has a job, and he looks like he’d clean house…
And good job Wills. Firstly, he stood up for his time with Becca, politely. He protected her when it was obvious she didn’t really want to talk to the irritable little man and made him go away, without aggression. Then afterwards when all the guys were talking over each other to get their point across about the asshole little man… Wills got up and walked away from the drama. Impressed.
I love your recaps-actually crying from laughter right now!
I have to get out my copy of Cotillion now.
I love these recaps ommmggg.
As a Vegas local, every now and then a friend will have dinners with Wayne Newton and like… He never looks any less terrifying tbh. Seems sweet, though.
@lora I think you’re right about the abusive vibes. His gaslighting, controlling behavior, threats to leave, blaming her (saying he’s owed!) for things he never discussed being upset about, the ego and hypersensitivity over imagined slights… He’s probably just your garden variety shitty toxic dude, though.
I agree Jordan is just normal dumb dude who loves himself. Maybe he’s sweet, maybe he isn’t. But the dumbness seems real.
@Alexandra: If you read m/m, I’ve always loved Linc from Ethan Stone’s BARTENDER, P.I. I never really thought of him as a true dim bulb, though (while I’m sure others would say otherwise)…more of a Judy Holliday/Lorelei Lee ingenue type. Very lovable, in any case.
I actually sat through 45 minutes of the show last night (because I’m still in a weakened condition, apparently), and I can’t believe I missed the only intentionally campy bit…
@Angie…I tried 15 minutes of THE PROPOSAL last week (again, this flu!), and we must protect Elyse for the sake of her liver!
a little man-tantrum
It’s … a … mantrum!
Tangentially, I love how many people thought of Freddy in Cotillion. It is currently my favorite Heyer; in fact I just reread it a few days ago (really).