Elyse Watches The Bachelor Episode 3: Uncomfortable Defense Mechanisms

Elyse is not watching this episode of The Bachelor. She’s on vacation sitting in one location alongside an immobile lizard long enough that she’s named him. He’s The Dude. He abides.

When she said in the last recap that she wasn’t going to be around to do this week’s, my first thought was, Well, that’s too bad.

Then, with all the graceful aplomb of someone utterly unqualified to fill her shoes, I thought, I could do it.

Yes, because my only exposure to The Bachelor is reading and editing Elyse’s recaps. Of course, because I watch exactly three television shows and one of them is on PBS and involves cooking. No question, because I had to ask my husband where in the lineup I could find the network channels.

Clearly, I am ideal for this job. Which is why I asked Amanda to join me.

She hasn’t watched an episode either. You’re all in VERY GOOD HANDS is what I’m saying here.

Let’s do this!

Wait, I need gin.

Amanda: My stroopwafel liquor has met my piping hot coffee. I also don’t think I’ve ever been more nervous to write a thing in my entire life.

Sarah: You drink coffee at 8pm?! Or do you think you’re going to need the stimulant to stay awake past all the second hand embarrassment?

Amanda: Both? I spent a lot of time outside in 17 degree weather, so I’m also very cold.

Sarah…this is two goddamn hours. I thought I was only signing up for one hour of this.

Sarah: WHAT. NO. Somewhere Elyse is laughing and has no idea why. Oh, my gosh, the description:

Arie selects eight women for a wrestling-themed date; one lucky woman joins the bachelor or a date at a Napa Valley vineyard.

WRESTLING. TWO HOURS. WHY.

Amanda: See…my TV guide says the women “battle for supremacy.” Which I like better. Like one woman wins and she just rules the McMansion and makes Arie the court jester.

Sarah: I would watch six hours of that.

And we’re starting. Arie says can see himself forming a relationship with more than one woman. That’s seems convenient, given how many of them there are.

Amanda: We also now know that Rachel? Yes? Is the “villain.” Nope…it’s Krystal apparently. I’m already forgetting names.

Sarah: I love how first thing in the morning, they’re all piled on one another like puppies on a couch, sipping coffee and talking. Chris rolls in and says, “Bad news is, there’s a lot of you.” Dude, that’s not cool. They’re all leaning on each other for comfort and awake-ness and you’re saying there’s too many of them.

Amanda: Is that Chris…whatshisface? He looks…haggard. Also, Maquel has the cutest damn freckles!

Sarah: He’s looking very tired. Did the Rose God beat him up?

Rumpled Chris leaves a card on the table and returns to his dungeon where I presume he gets some coffee. Six women are chosen for a date…which is wrestling. They’re going to wrestle in front of a live audience and have to train with two women from the original GLOW. Chris is there, now in a suit (?) and he announces…Arie as “The Kissing Bandit.”

Amanda: THE KISSING BANDIT?! That’s his boxing nickname? Sarah, I can’t. And that polka-dotted tie is ghastly.

Sarah:  I decree they go back to the couch, drink coffee, and take care of each other.

Amanda: Yes to all the women shouting for Arie to try out the moves first. He also doesn’t know a thing about wrestling. He admits that. SO WHY ARE WE SUBJECTING WOMEN TO THIS.

Sarah: NO IDEA. He’s looking for someone who is not uptight, who can have fun in any situation.

Amanda: So he’s testing their “uptightness” by putting them in embarrassing situations.

Sarah: Clearly a television show is the best choice for that. This is not fun.

One of the original GLOW wrestlers starts abusing the ladies to, I don’t know, get a rise out of them? Make them stop laughing because they’re trying to “have fun in any situation?” She corners Bibiana and tells her she’s pathetic.

WHAT IS THIS. “Bibiana? Does your mom know how to spell when she gave you that name?”

Jesus. Hopscotch. Christ. This is awful. Bibiana leaves the ring in tears.

Amanda: Elyse, you’re missing a terribly offensive, racist episode with people violating women’s spaces.

Sarah: Why are these two being cruel, unkind, and racist to women who otherwise seem to support each other? They’re mocking the women who aren’t acting as if they’re in pain, who aren’t “selling” the drama of the performance.

Right after Arie says he wants to meet a girl who is fun, who can make the best of a situation. Talk about mixed signals.

Amanda: Bibiana and Tia are comforting each other. They tell each other to stick together!

Sarah: Tia says to Arie that she’s uncomfortable. Arie: “I’m very uncomfortable. Don’t worry about it.”

Fuck you, Arie.

Amanda: Bibiana is dressed as a dinosaur wearing a wedding dress. She’s the “Bridezilla” and I kind of love how goofy the costume is.

Sarah: And now…Kenny is back as a wrestler?

Amanda: Arie said he’s an actual wrestler. Like in real life. Also, Kenny seems way more charismatic than Kenny.

How is Krystal the “cougar” at only age 29?

Sarah, I’m so uncomfortable.

Sarah: Yeah. Me, too.

Let me attempt a commercial break recap:

Kenny, one of the dudes from the prior season, comes out to battle Arie. Arie The Current Bachelor is slammed to the floor a lot, but then Arie somehow pins him? Riiiight. It was incredibly awkward. BUT WAIT THERE WAS MORE. I apologize for not knowing everyone’s name. But in case you had money on this or something, The Lunch Lady beat Sex Kitten Bekah. Krystal really liked body slamming her opponent: “I slammed her down a couple times, and I had so much fun.”

There was some intriguing eroticism between the women in the third match that was honestly the most interesting part of the whole thing, but the other women made WTF? faces and comments and the editing moved the hell on in a hurry. Then Tia and Bibiana, the two women who were super uncomfortable, faced one another and played up the fake combative drama, and were somehow victorious for getting over their entirely justifiable feelings and playing along with whatever hellscape this is. Arie’s reaction was hardly shown, and the small live crowd cheered on cue.

Honestly, I’m so confused. I hope they were all very well cared for and comforted after that.

Y’all, I know I am not good at this, so I’m sorry up front. I’m so confused.

Arie and the wrestling ladies go to a trailer park setup of sorts, with little Airstreams parked in a row alongside a larger room with couches and drinks. Definitely drinks. Each lady gets one-on-one time with Arie, and Krystal goes first, which makes everyone on the couch give her the death stare as she leaves with him. They make out, and then another woman comes to interrupt. There’s a weird sequence of conversations and making out and interrupting and cutting in, and when a woman is not making out with Arie she’s on The Drinking Couch with the others to support one another – unless Krystal is there. Then you can sort of feel the growling from the other women. I think my TV vibrated.

Sarah: Total use of the word “uncomfortable” in the couch talk that followed the wrestling: 4 that I counted.

Amanda: I AM SO UNCOMFORTABLE. The quiet baby talk. The gross kissing sounds. The whispering. “If you ever feel lost, just come and grab me.”

Sarah: The edits make it seem like Krystal and Arie have plotted out a result or something?

Also, is the whole idea that you’re going to take turns hanging out under a blanket with this dude who you know has just been kissing other women? What on earth?

Amanda: Have you seen the SNL Bachelor sketches? I never knew how scarily accurate they were until now.

Sarah: Arie seems like he’s shaming Tia for being upset and uncomfortable with a combative situation. But Arie then tells her he liked comforting her because it made him feel like the man. Now I’m growling.

Amanda: I gotta get an image of that girl’s bored face! Will take a photo of my TV during commercial for reference.

Sarah: YES PLEASE.

I’m so skeeved out at them being filmed making out through an Airstream window.

Amanda: I hope Bibiana and Tia get their own TV show after this. They’re total opposites of one another but were so supportive during the wrestling scene. That scene is my only saving grace right now for this episode. It’s like a lifesaver I’m holding onto for the next 90 minutes.

Sarah: Krystal says that she thinks they’re all living in a false reality. As opposed to her reality, which is honestly a little scary for me.

Bekah gets a rose because she was outstanding during the day and amazing that night. She does have a lot of charisma and confidence.

Amanda: What I’m learning so far is that Elyse deserves some sort of fruit basket. A yarn basket? Some sort of great basket for doing this on a weekly basis.

Wait a minute, there’s a Bachelor Winter Games spin off. With multiple Bachelors from international Bachelors. Bachelor-ception. I also already hate the Olympics and this is only strengthening that hatred.

Drink every time Krystal says “aggressive.”

I feel the same level of attraction to Arie as I do for a used-up, flaccid kitchen sponge.

Sarah: Time for the one-on-one date, which is a big deal. Lauren S. packs her suitcase and lugs it down the stairs, which made me think the one-on-one date lasts for a week and a half, given the size of that suitcase. I have the same one and it’s terribly easy to overpack it so that it’s 15 lbs. over the weight limit. But no, she has to pack all her stuff and then go on her date. It’s Chekov’s suitcase.

She meets Arie at a private jet at some FBO somewhere, and the jet takes them to a winery called Hall. Maybe the footage shot there is to appease the angry Rose God, who must also drink a lot of wine. Or maybe Bacchus the Wine God is his cousin.

Anyway, Arie and LaurenS drink wine and walk around and there are a lot of superlatives and then they sit under a tree, drink wine and I SWEAR IT IS TRUE they ate cheese – they ATE on screen! I thought that wasn’t allowed! Way to go LaurenS, eat that free cheese.

But every voiceover is LaurenS talking about how she can’t be herself, can’t let go of her anxiety and be in the moment, can’t relax. It was pretty painful to listen to: they had one of those conversations you have with someone you have little in common with where you talk about things like sleeping and whether you get up early.

Amanda: Sarah, they are talking about bedtimes. We now know that Lauren S. needs her sleep but doesn’t like to sleep in.

Sarah: I was just going to type that. They’re talking about sleeping. That’s…odd.

Amanda: I need to take off my bra for the rest of this. I’m already emotionally uncomfortable. I don’t need to be physically uncomfortable for this too.

Sarah: There are a lot of superlatives amid the sleep talking. Vineyard: AMAZING. Winery: so incredible.

Amanda: It’s kind of twisted to set the rose right in front of them while they’re trying to eat dinner.

Lauren is recounting her past serious relationship and is now talking about her amazing family. And now they’re playing that plunky string music and kind of fast forwarding through Lauren’s talking. So you know she’s overdoing it and they’re showing Arie eating. ACTUALLY EATING ON CAMERA while she’s speaking.

That’s how you know it isn’t going well.

Meanwhile, back at the house, the women are gathered around again and an envelope appears with the words “love is ruff.” Ashley, Becca K, Brittany, Jenna, Caroline, Chelsea, and Annaliese are selected for the group date. Most of the women are excited at the thought of a date with dogs, except for Annaliese who has a fear of dogs from childhood.
I bet the producers ask about the women’s fears and then tailor the group dates around one of them.

Back to Arie and Lauren. He’s talking to her while holding the rose in FRONT OF HER FACE.

And he says, “I can’t give you this.” This poor woman was so nervous about being vulnerable and romantic and those nerves gave her diarrhea of the mouth, and now she doesn’t even get the dang rose.

Arie says it’s because there isn’t a connection because she didn’t “let him in.”

I’M SORRY! What episode is this?

Sarah: Episode 3.

Amanda: I’d seriously rather print out my life story and let him read it beforehand. Lauren just said she can’t be herself around him, which, good fucking call on recognizing that.

Sarah: OMG live musicians are playing sad music while he holds a rose and looks sad.

Amanda: A mystery dude just walked into the house and scared the other women by picking up Lauren’s pre-packed suitcase like a creep. Some of the women start crying. Cue a shot of Arie pressing himself up against a window with his rose.

Sarah: And now they’re talking about her like she’s dead?

Krystal has set herself up as an evil camp counselor. And Caroline leaves the room crying because she’s missing her friend while Krystal lectures them on…something. Caroline tells the camera she wants Krystal to go home: “There, I said it.”

Amanda: I will probably never watch another episode of this willingly again, but I will want to tune it for when Krystal inevitably gets eliminated.

Time for the next group date. The wrestling girls were terribly shortchanged with their date since the other group date consists of training dogs to do tricks.

Sarah, we are one hour down!

Sarah: Thank goodness.

Amanda: Arie has his dog, Bastian, with him and the women are going nuts. As they should because Bastian is adorable.

Sarah: Doggies! No one is interested in Arie. They’re all about the dogs. The dogs symbolize the house, the friendship, the bar, the hugs, the drinks, The Drinking Couches, and everything good and supportive.

Amanda: This is the happiest the women have been. Just let them be in their cozy PJs, hanging out with dogs.

ABC is doing a dramatic re-enactment of Annaliese’s memories of being attacked as a child by her grandparents’ dog.

Sarah: Black and white vignette footage of a dog growling and a scared toddler? ABC, what the fuck was that.

And now Bibiana and Tia are praying and drinking, and praying one of them gets bitten after the dramatic reenactment of scary dog bite memories…oh, for God’s sake.

If someone wrote this in a book I’d tap out for the ridiculousness of it.

Each woman is on stage attempting to put on a show with a trained dog in front of an audience of young children, but the dogs don’t behave.

Amanda: I am internally screaming at watching these dogs not obeying any commands. And children wandering onstage. I am so embarrassed.

Sarah: Fred Willard is being gross, and Chris is… what is happening.

Amanda: I’m not surprised they aren’t behaving. The “training” segment lasted 45 seconds.

Arie says, “Today is hilarious” after not having laughed at anything that is happening with these dogs.

Please note that Annaliese almost lost an eye due to a childhood dog attack and there’s no comforting from Arie or a scene where she explains her fears to him. Instead, she’s demoted to “pooper scooper” for the performance and…that’s it?

Sarah: There’s a dichotomy set up by the editing. If someone wishes harm on another contestant, that’s bad. If they’re supportive and game for whatever weirdness is thrown at them, that’s good. If they’re nervous, scared, and self conscious, that’s bad. If they’re confident and don’t react to any of the weird or invasive situations they’re put into, that’s good. Is the idea that they play along, and only compete openly with each other in the assigned times, while all other times being “nice?”

After the Dog Performance, the ladies have a group date at a bank, or a former bank that’s now a restaurant aka a collection of Drinking Couches with food you don’t eat. I know it used to be a bank because Arie explains it to them (“This used to be a bank!”) and they all squee in response.

Let me step back a minute. There is always a couch and wine. Like every shot, if they aren’t outside, there’s a couch.

And hold up, there are outside couches, too. And there are Kissing Couches, which are separate from the Drinking Couches.

Forget the bar tab, what’s the couch budget for this show?

There’s a collective sit down on the Drinking Couch inside the Former Bank, then Arie heads off with one of the women to find a Kissing Couch. Time for more of the ladies chatting about their feelings about Arie and their individual progress mixed with footage of Arie kissing and maybe talking with one of them before another awkwardly interrupts their conver-makeout.

This show does not pass the Bechdel Test, by the way. Not that I suspected it would. Whenever they’re all together on a Drinking Couch, they verbally tally up how many progress hearts they think they have with Arie.

Amanda: Jenna, girl, where’d you get that amazing plum-colored lipstick?!

Chelsea says, “I’m here to discover myself through someone else.” What. I feel like that’s a bad call.

Sarah: Arie responds, “I think there’s a lot of self growth in this.” He seems totally uninterested. Is it normal for the women on the one-on-one dates to be so revealing and confess everything about themselves? Oh, wait, someone’s asking about Arie to talk about himself. Seems wise.

Amanda: Drink every time someone says “defense mechanism.”

Sarah: And “uncomfortable.”

Look, I get really ornery about scenes in novels where they start talking about disease and being clean and whatever RIGHT BEFORE they bang, because that is not the time to sort that out. So I’m aware I’m asking with the same poor timing here, but still, I have to ask: does everyone get tested for mono? There is a LOT of kissing Arie, and it’s giving me the squicks. How do they not have awful colds that they’re passing around through Arie?

Wait, is this a show that’s actually about disease vectors ? DID I JUST CRACK A CODE.

Amanda: Arie definitely has a kissing technique, where he places his hand on the woman’s cheek. Every damn time.

Oh, no. Do not open your one-on-one with the question, “How have you been?” I’m cringing so bad.

Sarah: I think it’s a kiss of doom (hur hur) when in the middle of a conversation Arie says something about the place they’re in. Vineyard is amazing. Place is amazing. Kiss of Doom.

Amanda: Becca K. is killing it with Arie, by the way. They called each other dorks and giggled.

Sarah: Totally true. I could do without the creeper kissing shots through windows and screens. The framing emphasizes the voyeur aspect of watching one awkward dude make out with a bunch of different women one after another.

Amanda: What if the “through the window” kissing shots are taken by Chris with a Go-Pro on his head?

Sarah: OMG. HA! The outtakes of him walking into things would be amazing. WAIT. THERE WOULD BE ROSE GOD FOOTAGE.

Amanda: Can you imagine what he shoots when The Bachelor isn’t shooting? Like a weird MTV Cribs-esque video of the hidey-hole he lives in while the season films.

“And this is the wall where I keep the photos of all the eliminated contestants. I think it really brings the room together.”

Sarah: “Here are all the wine glasses they used, with lipstick stains all organized by hue….”

Hey, Amanda. We have another half hour. And this recap is 10 pages.

Amanda: Can we just fade to black and say we passed out from alcohol consumption?

Sarah: And the group date in the Not Bank is over, so it’s time for Arie to spend time in the house, I think, in some sort of bizarro-world cocktail party. They are all walking to a Drinking Couch, previously the Coffee Snuggle Support Couch, and they are already holding drinks. That’s a sign.

Arie walks in and says, yeah, he sent LaurenS home from their one-on-one date: “If I don’t feel it, it just won’t work. So tonight, it’s going to be fun, and I’m excited.” What kind of manipulative crap is that? You should fear my decisions but it’s fun time now and he’s excited?

Bibiana arranged a stargazing area on one of the patios, with a giant bed – not a couch but a bed – and a telescope, but she doesn’t go off with Arie first.

Amanda: OH NO NO NO NO. Arie is taking another woman into the stargazing area that Bibiana set up. NO NO. And now kissing her on the little daybed Bibiana put together and Arie asks Bibiana for “five more minutes” kissing when she interrupts.

Now Arie is using the stargazing area for EVERY DATE. I would be furious.

Sarah: And he’s all, “Oh, who put this here?” With Bekah, who is the third person he’s wandered off with!

Bekah M is all, “And you know I don’t need you.” Damn, girl.

Amanda: And then Bekah M. said, “Maybe that’s why you like moms too.” What does that mean?!

Sarah: Arie did his own set up, which he gets to enjoy credit for “arranging.” He got Tia hay bales and moonshine. Which tastes like “gasoline in a good way.”

Amanda: I’m sorry. I will ride or die for Tia.

Sarah: She deserves better than hay bales and moonshine. And there’s no way he carried those hay bales.

Meanwhile, on the Drinking Couch, all the other women are obsessed with kissing him. Like is there a score card, first base, second base, one on one, third base? Who did, who didn’t, what position they were in physically.

Arie seems really uninterested in caregiving in any way. Annaliese has some one on one time, and says to his face that she’s nervous. He does nothing. Earlier, another woman said she was uncomfortable. He did nothing. He doesn’t care. He doesn’t want to do any kind of caretaking here.

Amanda: Secondhand embarrassment is at peak levels. Annaleise tried really hard and worked up the nerve to tell Arie she wants him to kiss her. She’s been so nervous and he tells her that he isn’t there yet with her. And another woman goes to check on her to make sure she’s okay.

Sarah: He’s not stingy with the mono kisses on the Kissing Couches. But I don’t think she’s into him at all, either. Annaliese, you’ve avoided a terrible cold. Run away!

Amanda: Annaliese is going again to make things clearer and the other women are cheering her on. But I feel like it’s going to go badly.

Sarah: NO NO NO NO DON’T. This is going to go badly.

Arie: “Going into the rose ceremony, I hadn’t put much thought into it…but there isn’t much future for us.”

This is like asking someone why they unfollowed you, only 1,000,000 times worse. Though, if she has to be sent home, at least she did it on her terms, instead of in a rose ceremony with everyone in the room.

Then she walks down the driveway in the dark. Where is she walking to? Her stuff is inside? Is there a producer like, “Just keep walking into the darkness?” Is that where the Rose God hides? Is Chris luring her to a fragrant end?

Amanda: And Bibiana still hasn’t tested out her stargazing setup with Arie.

Sarah: I don’t think she’s going to. Poor thing.

Also I just saw a commercial that asked people how clean they felt after they poop and that was less embarrassing than the past two hours.

Amanda: We’ve reached the Rose Ceremony, something I thought we would never fucking get to.

Sarah: Can I be the Rose God, send Arie to the bottom of the pool, and let them all hang out together with comfy couches and coffee and sweatpants?

Amanda: He gives Lauren a rose. How does he know which one? Or are we finally down to one, singular Lauren?

Sarah: This is agonizing. My inner elementary school girl is curled up in a ball.

CHRIS: THIS IS THE FINAL ROSE.

Like they haven’t been staring at ominous roses on tables in the middle of their group dates.

Oh, man, poor Bibiana. And she looks at the other women around her when she realizes she’s going home. Her goodbye to the ladies isn’t long enough. They should get more time with her. Screw saying goodbye to Arie, who bogarted her stargazing area so he could turn her setup into his repeat-use Kissing Bed.

Amanda: And she set up that private one-on-one area for him. Man, I feel so awful for her.

Sarah: Arie’s like, “Get home safe.”

Where is she going? That’s her temporary home. She has to go back and get her stuff! But no, she has to walk into the darkness down the driveway in silhouette, lured by a producer who is really Chris with a Go-Pro on his head, hiding in the shrubbery with Annaliese. In my mind, they’re going to a very comfy couch together to drink and have the Rose God give them four-hour pedicures.

Amanda: Arie then goes back inside and is like, “Yep, can’t wait to keep doing all these dates.”

Next week is Tahoe and hot tubs. One of the Bekahs realizes Arie doesn’t know her age and Krystal says that Arie needs “a woman and not a girl.”

And we’re done. WE MADE IT, SARAH!

Sarah: WOOO WE DID IT! And during the credits, we’re ending on Annaliese telling terrible dog stories? WITH DRAMATIC REENACTMENT. She should have thrown poo at the producers.

WHY. WHY ARE WE DOING THAT.

I want to go hug my dogs.

Amanda: Elyse, I never truly realize how agonizing of an assignment this was and you willingly do it. Please, you deserve that awesome vacation, but never go on one again during Bachelor/Bachelorette season. I’m begging you.

Elyse will be back next week (THANK THE ROSE GOD) but what did you think of this week’s episode? Did someone bogart your stargazing day bed? Do you have a Kissing Couch or a Drinking Couch? Tell us everything!