It feels like ages since we’ve done a Cover Snark, right? In reality, it’s only been two weeks. As always, please use caution while viewing at work, in public spaces, or while eating/drinking.
Amanda: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Apparently Lush is the band’s name in the book…
Elyse: The true story of me, Rich, and Kraken rum
Redheadedgirl: Don’t forget Carrie wants an empty bottle of the kraken.
Elyse: I can drink a whole bottle at RT
Redheadedgirl: I have faith in you.
I’ll help, if you need it.
Elyse: Elyse and RHG get drunk on Kraken, the podcast
Redheadedgirl: I’mma need some Coke, I can’t drink it straight.
Elyse: Me either.
Redheadedgirl:
From Pam G: Embracing the obvious, a titillating combo of visual and verbal
Carrie: Dude, if you have anything resembling an anaconda in your pants, literal or metaphorical, keep it away from my vagina.
Amanda: My anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun.
Carrie: 4 things that are a turn off:
1. A dude who can’t stop staring at his crotch.
2. A guy who implies that his penis won’t bite.
3. Comparing penises to snakes.
4. Gym veins.
Sarah: His anaconda? I don’t want none, or any, thank you.
Elyse: Ah Sir Mix-a-Lot, always relevant.
From Reader Elizabeth: This guy looks like a drunken idiot at a costume party. Or a man who’s desperately trying to spice up his marriage. I’d also like to point out that they oiled his right upper arm and nowhere else.
Sarah: Why is he so shiny? But only on his upper arm? How does that happen?
Carrie: That’s a lot of teal.
His form is terrible.
Sarah: Wait, is he going to cut off his own arm? Is that shine some kind of problem that only a…rather dull sword can fix?
Redheadedgirl: Why is he duck-facing at the sword?
Sarah: Maybe he has to kiss the steel before he lops off his shiny arm?
From Karen: I came across a cover that cries out for a Cover Snark! It’s best seen on Amazon by clicking the “Look inside” link. It may be just me, but it appears that his arm is attached directly to her breast. I tried to search to see if you had discussed it already but didn’t find anything in a quick look.
Sarah: OK. Not only is the cover a hot mess (he’s permanently on second base! Forever!) but look quickly at the smaller size.
THAT doesn’t look like her ARM, DOES IT…
Amanda: The smaller size gives him an electric wang.
Elyse: I have so many questions. Why is his arm literally in her chest? Why are they being struck by lightning? Why is he purple? Is he not getting sufficient oxygen?
I’m so confused about the Lush cover. It looks as if the guy’s left nip is almost near his collarbone.
As for the Laird’s oily arm, that’s literally white paint. White paint. I assume they touched up the photo after the fact because they thought the guy didn’t look greasy enough.
@Susan: you’re right, it’s either an errant left nip or a big hairy wart on his thumb.
And the shiny Highlander has huge bags under his eyes: looks hung over (as opposed to just hung, like an anaconda).
The shiny laird was cursed by a witch to gradually turn into plastic over the course of a fortnight. He’s actually stoked about when the curse spreads to his penis because he envisions endless hours of pleasure acting as a living dildo for all the highland wenches. Little does he know at the moment the curse takes hold of that appendage, he’ll have it tucked for safekeeping during battle, and it will be frozen in a position of no use to any wench.
“Apparently Lush is the band’s name in the book…”
There is (or at leas was) a real-life band called Lush. With a female lead singer. They probably don’t exist in the book’s world, otherwise the fictional dude’s band might end up having (or causing) some issues.
The highlander on Stolen by the Laird looks alarmingly like a guy I deal with when working in my client’s office, even to the bags under his eyes. He is active in SCA and, in general, likes wearing costumes. Even to work. I will ask him if his wife is selling any of his pictures the next time I go into the office. And, yeah, he’d duckface a sword.
The alternative to Mr. Love-and-Angels’s arm growing out of that lady’s boob (maybe they’re conjoined twins who have all sorts of wacky misunderstandings because of their configuration!) is that she’s only limply hanging there to hide the shameful secret that he’s yet another dude holding his wang and staring at it instead of dealing with the lightning, asphyxiation, and the bird/butterfly wing combo growing out of his neck. How do those even work without the support of torso musculature? Even if the answer is “maaaaaagic,” his magically super-powered neckwings are going to leave his whole body flopping around when he flies. If he had the core strength to plank in midair, that lightning would be bouncing off ripped obliques he clearly doesn’t possess.
Slightly off topic, but for some reason “Baby Got Back” stopped being played at my HS’s dances after one of the teachers actually bothered listening to the lyrics.
I can’t get over the title “Loving A Lush.” It sounds like something you’d slur while drunk, so I guess that fits the theme?
I’m getting a real Danny McBride vibe off the oily laird. Highlandbound and Down! Haggis Express! Your Highlanderness!
@Teev: I’m dying at the Danny McBride comparison!
I may be wrong because all I know about kilts I learned from SCA and vaguely Scottish ancestry- havers, but aren’t they worn, oh, iDK, BELOW THE KNEE???
Maybe he is from the 1960s as a time traveler and that’s why he can’t hold the sword right or correctly apply his oil
Is no one going to comment on Zac Efron’s second career as a cover model?
The thing that bothered me the most is that anacondas are known for suffocating their prey, rather than using a venomous bite (not that they don’t bite at all). So when I read that it doesn’t bite, I can only think, “No shit, it’s an anaconda. Now I’m worried about being squeezed to death by your penis.”
Is it just me, or does Anaconda guys skin look like pleather?
That Love and Angels cover looks like that thing they do in OUAT where they rip people’s hearts out of their chests.
Anaconda: And then there’s turnoff #5, wildly asymmetrical tattoos. Is it some kind of tribal thing? Is he covering up massive scarring?
Stolen by the Laird: Is he shaving with a broadsword? Dude, just who(m) are you trying to impress?
I like a muscle-y man as much as the next person but daaaaamn is the anaconda dude veiny. Just not an attractive look. Ick. There’s also absolutely nothing appealing to me about that title. Oddly enough comparing a penis to a 20 foot long constrictor does make me want it near my lady bits.
*does not
Gavin & Stacey scene:
Casual guys natter about masturbation. Then they turn to Stacey and apologise for TMIing her. But they haven’t.
Stacey: Oh no, I think it’s lush… (Goes into detail and TMIs the guys.)
Score one for the Welsh. Band guy not required.
Re anaconda. Looks like gender reversed Daphne and Apollo to me. But naturally the guy’s metamorphising into a cyborg bikie. Not worried it’s nippy down south, I figure his downstairs is already more artificial than animal.
Or I’m avoiding triggering years of conditioning to fear snake bite. Subconscious is artful at that.
Read this article
Had me in stitches
https://www.viralthread.com/average-people-recreating-romance-novel-covers-is-utterly-hilarious/?utm_source=coolpress&utm_medium=affiliate
I love the Scottish romance covers.
All created by someone who has never been to Scotland. A more realistic one would have a pale, slightly blue hued chap, wearing a cagoule to keep off the drizzle, batting midges away from the heroine – a similarly lilyskinned soul with a matching anorak.
Both will be wearing wellies and looking for the nearest pub.
Kirsty
(Glasgow, Scotland)
I want to see the realistic Scottish cover!
At first glance, The Laird looks a bit like a 2001 Brendan Fraser recovering from a stun-gun injury while doing some sloppy cosplay.