Elyse Watches the Bachelor: The Finale

This is the way The Bachelor ends…

This is the way The Bachelor ends…

This is the way The Bachelor ends…

Not with a bang, but a whimper.

Finally we are at the end of our journey. Nick Viall, the 21st Bachelor, has to make a choice between two women: Raven Gates and Vanessa Grimaldi. Last week, after The Fantasy Suites, Nick sent Rachel Lindsay home – she’s the next Bachelorette and, I contend, the real winner here.

So who will get Nick’s final rose? IDGAF to be honest. I don’t believe for a second it’s going to work out between Nick and either woman. For one thing, this season has led me to believe that Nick has the IQ of an especially clever hamster. Even if that weren’t the case, Vanesssa is Canadian and has no inclination to move–and neither does Nick. Raven confessed before The Fantasy Suite that she’s never had an orgasm and she looked to Nick with such hope that it broke my heart. Based on her reaction the next day, I’m guessing her optimism was wasted.

Whatever happens I’m sure Nick will cry. And at some point impersonate a “drunk baby dinosaur.”

So while I’m not especially invested in the outcome of the show, I am 100% down for the ensuing train wreck. I’m sad to lose my crazysauce Monday addiction, but my liver needs a break.  I’ve got my Kraken rum and my Coke, and I’m ready to go folks.

Let’s get on with the show.

“I love them,  both of them,” Nick reflects in a voiceover in the opening moments of the show.

Sucks to be Nick.

Then Chris Harrison appears and says “Welcome to the historic live three hour finale of The Bachelor!”

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. I CANNOT DO THIS FOR ANOTHER THREE HOURS. LAST WEEK BROKE ME. I HAD THE BED SPINS.

He continues, “Later tonight something so unexpected, something so extraordinary, something that has never happened before in Bachelor history will take place right here on this stage! Trust me, you do not want to miss this!”

Well, that’s intriguing. I’m willing to accept two possible scenarios:

1. Raven and Vanessa admit they fell in love and run away together.
2. Murder.

Then we’re off to Rovaniemi, Finland.

Nick gives a brief intro of the region. “Rovaniemi is in the northern part of Finland, right below the Arctic Circle. And apparently Santa Claus lives here, which is pretty crazy.”

He’s so genuine about that last statement that I have no doubt that Nick believes Santa is real.

Nick’s family has joined him in Finland to meet the remaining two women. All of them seem exhausted with the whole process–remember Nick was rejected twice on reality TV before.

Nick’s little sister, who is amazing, tells Raven, “I hope he picks you. I mean, I haven’t seen the other girl…”

“You’re not gonna like her,” Raven says.

I love Raven so much.

Raven admits to Nick’s dad that Nick has not told her that he loves her yet.

Later his dad muses. “They can still stay no. Given his track record? It’s not the greatest…”

OUCH.

Later (after Raven is gone) Vanessa comes over. She tells Nick’s family about their zero-gravity date, when she got sick and threw up (AND NICK STILL FUCKING KISSED HER OMG NO) and tells them what a great caregiver he was.

“It was a feeling that I’ve been searching for, for the last three years,” she says tearfully.

Nausea?

Now Vanessa and Nick’s mom are totally choked up.

“I think this is when you chime in,” Nick’s sister tells him. “Because she’s having a moment.”

Nick is like, “Oh, wow. That’s an awesome story. Oh, wait. I was there!”

JK. Nick actually says, “Oh. Oh. I had a lot of fun. Um. But yeah. It was a great first date.”

Later Vanessa confesses to Nick’s mom (privately) that she’s concerned she’s not ready to be engaged to him. She loves Nick but again, she’s afraid of uprooting her AWESOME LIFE in Montreal to follow Nick to… IDK. Where do Dancing with the Stars cast members go to die? Is there a pasture somewhere in Southern California?

“Do you think love is enough to make a relationship last?” Vanessa asks Nick’s dad.

He tells her that it’s not. You need selflessness and compromise, too.

Then inexplicably Nick’s dad starts to cry. Huh. So it’s genetic.

Then Vanessa starts to cry.

Then I start to cry because THREE FUCKING HOURS.

Then it’s on to Nick and Vanessa’s last day together before THE FINAL DREADED ROSE CEREMONY.

The two of them go horseback riding in a snow covered forest and Vanessa has on the most amazing infinity scarf.

“I don’t know how to go faster,” Vanessa says.

“Just give him a little squeeze with your thighs,” Nick says. “You know how to do that.”

Vanessa chuckles but like in a way where you know she’s imaging stabbing him to death.

Then they stop at a cabin and guess who lives there? Santa Claus!

Santa greets them.

“I don’t speak Santa Claus,” Nick says, panicked.

That’s Finnish, Nick. He’s speaking Finnish.

Santa gives them a heart (ceramic, I think) with their portraits on it.

Later, sitting in front of a fire, Nick tells Vanessa, “I just want someone who can have that balance with me.”

“Do you think I could?” Vanessa asks.

“Well, you’re here,” he says.

My husband looks up from Fallout Shelter and says, “Wowwww. Just. Wow.”

Later they sit and talk and Vanessa confesses that she’s uncertain of their future. She wants Nick to propose to her because he can’t imagine life without her, not because he likes her better than Raven.

“Do you feel like you’re ready to propose?” she asks.

“I think the week’s not over,” he says. “And I think I have to use every moment to get there. Because you want it to be different and special, and so do I. And I don’t want to give it, as weird as it sounds, that much thought knowing that there’s still two people here.”

“See, I don’t like that answer,” Vanessa says.

“I know you don’t like that answer,” Nick says helpfully.

Jesus. It’s like he gets worse every single week.

“You could look at it a million different ways,” Nick says. “If you want to find a million different scenarios where you can try to de-rom, de-rom, un-rom…make it less romantic then you probably can.”

Then Vanessa starts sobbing.

“I know my gut is fighting me, pushing me to question things,” she says.

SOBBING AND FEAR. YUP THIS IS THE START OF A GREAT LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP.

Later that week it’s time for Nick and Raven’s final date. They go ice skating on a frozen pond. Unlike Vanessa, Raven seems to have no doubt that Nick will propose to her, and she’s pretty happy about it.  Nick is also noticeably less awful with her.

Then Nick surprises Raven by bringing three adorable husky puppies over for snuggles.

“This is officially the best day of my life!” Raven says while puppies lick her face.

Later over drinks, Raven tells Nick that she has no hesitation about getting engaged and that she loves him. “If you have any worry at all, I hope I can alleviate that by telling you that I’m ready, and I do love you, and it’s gonna be really easy for me that day if you get down on one knee,” she says.

Unlike Vanessa. Who was sobbing.

Cut to the next day and Nick staring pensively into a fire. There’s a knock on the door. It’s Neil Lane!

“I’m really rooting for you!” says Neil, who doesn’t want to refund another ring.

Then we cut to Vanessa peering out her window, wiping a tear from her eye. There’s ominous guitar music and a voiceover. “Within twenty-four hours of walking into my last date with Nick wanting to be engaged, things shifted for me to not wanting to be engaged. There’s still a lot of unknown factors that we haven’t really figured out together. Like there’s still another woman involved. Or where are we going to live? I mean I love my work, I love my students. I’m so close to my family. They’re my best friends. So who’s going to make the compromise?”

Contrast this with Raven getting ready, her own voiceover supplying her thoughts.

“I’m extremely nervous but I’m also hopeful. I’ve been looking for someone like Nick for a long time. My whole adult life I’ve looked for the other piece of me. I see Nick as a father. I see him as a husband. I see him as everything I’ve ever wanted. I’ve never been the one to believe in fairytales, but I’m there now. I want to be engaged today.”

Nick meanwhile is freaking out in a lodge somewhere.

“This could all still blow up in my face,” he says.

Raven’s car pulls up to the lodge. Chris Harrison escorts her inside.

Raven tells Nick she’s ready, and she loves him. It’s clear from his horrified, teary expression that she’s not the one.

Oh, Jesus. Poor Raven.

Then Nick drops the, “I just don’t know if I’m in love” bomb.

Raven looks like she wants to throw up.  Or punch him.

“I’m just torn up inside. Letting you go,” Nick says.

“I’ll never regret standing here, telling you how I feel,” Raven says.

“I’ll miss you,” Nick says.

“I know,” Raven says.

HOLY SHIT SHE JUST HAN SOLO’D HIM.

Raven, Nick doesn’t deserve you. At. All.

Nick walks Raven to the car.

“I wish more than anything I could find love,” she says, defeated. “But I just don’t know that it’s possible. So why even look for something that’s not possible?”

Raven, I sincerely hope you find love, the love who can give you screaming, toe-curling orgasms. You deserve it. I hope you go to keep a husky puppy too.

Then Vanessa pulls up. Chris escorts her in.

Inside the lodge, Nick and Vanessa hold hands.

“Nick, when I’m with you, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. I knew this kind of love existed. I just didn’t know it was going to happen for me, until I met you,” Vanessa says.

Nick drops down to one knee.

“Vanessa Grimaldi,” he says — except he mumbles so it comes out ‘Vernessa,’ “Will you, marry me?”

Vanessa, full on sobbing, says yes.

Cue happy music and wet kissing.

I burp really loud because the coke bubbles are irritating my tummy.

After Vanessa accepts the final rose (seriously, that’s a thing they do), they get in a sleigh pulled by a horse and ride away.

Oh, but we’re not done. Now it’s time for After the Final Rose where Chris Harrison better deliver on his promise to give me something shocking.

Nick comes out onto a stage somewhere in LA and sits down on a couch (successfully) to talk to Chris Harrison. Nick tells Chris that he empathizes with Raven, having been in her position twice.

I should point out that I’m now drunk enough that I’m pronouncing Raven “Raisin.”

Raven comes out on stage, looking fabulous.

Raven tells Nick she’s happy for him and that she wants the world for him. She’s way too gracious and good for this guy. Although she throws in one dig: “I’m really happy that you found your happy ending and that you weren’t rejected.”

Chris asks Raven what’s next for her. She says she’s going to be on Bachelor in Paradise.

No one on The Bachelor ever really goes home. Once you’re in, you’re in.

After the commercial break, Vanessa comes out and gives some insight into the surreal reality TV relationship they have. Like she and Nick didn’t have each other’s phone numbers when they got engaged. Also because of the nature of the show, they really couldn’t see each other until today (or risk spoiling the show) so they’ve spent a lot of time apart.

Vanessa also confesses that she didn’t watch the Fantasy Suites episode. Good choice.

“It’s like any real relationship,” she says.

Except not.

At all.

Nick reveals that he had to keep his final choice secret even from friends and family. He only told his parents.

“We’re still looking forward to our first normal moment,” Nick says.

“Are you guys getting married?” Chris asks.

“…we’re taking baby steps,” Vanessa hedges.

Then Vanessa reveals that she’s switching careers, opening a charity for people with learning disabilities. Nick, in comparison, is going on Dancing with the Stars.

So… no murder. No breakups.  WHERE IS MY SHOCKING, HISTORIC BACHELOR MOMENT CHRIS?

So then Rachel Lindsay comes out and they talk about her season, blah, blah, blah. She is wearing an AMAZING jumpsuit, though.

I have to frog my knitting a little because I’m buzzed.

At the end of her interview, Chris says, “What you don’t know is The Bachelorette starts now!”

Rachel gets to meet “a few of the guys vying for your heart!” per Chris Harrison.

The first guy out (I think it’s DeMario, I apologize if that’s spelled wrong, ABC isn’t giving me names) shows Rachel an engagement ring. Dude. Slow your roll.

Second dude, Blake, looks like a total Dude Bro. “You smell good,” he tells Rachel shyly.

Then we get Dean. Dean says, “I want you to know I’m ready to go black and I’ll never go back.”

Next is Eric (Erik? Aric? Again, sorry) who is sweet and charming and  I love him.

And then… that’s it. That was the historic moment, Chris? I stayed awake for this?

UGH.

So what do you think. Will Nick and Vanessa stay together?

More importantly, do you want me to recap The Bachelorette as well? And is Kraken rum tax deductible?