Elyse Watches The Bachelor – Episode Six: Rebellion

Are you ready, folks?

It’s been a tough week already, and it’s only Monday, so you know what that means.

No, not that.

No, no, the other thing.

Yes! It’s time for me to I settle down with a strong adult beverage and gird my loins in order to watch a dozen or so women compete for the love of The Bachelor.

AKA Nick Viall.

AKA this guy:

Last week  everyone went to New Orleans. I figured out that Chris Harrison might have a traumatic brain injury. Nick took Corinne and Taylor to the bayou for a two-on-one day. He sent Taylor home and kept Corinne because she’s the villain and the producers told him to. He and Corinne went on to the dinner portion of their date and who should suddenly appear?! TAYLOR.

What could she possibly want? Does she have a hatchet? Is she there to rescue Corinne?

Now, on with the show!

Taylor interrupts Corinne and Nick at dinner to talk to him. Nick actually seems pissed off by it. She tells Nick that she feels like Corinne made her out to be a bully which isn’t true. Nick points out that he didn’t let her go because of what Corinne said, he followed his heart, which is code for “I wasn’t actually listening to her talk.”

This is how I like to imagine it really all went down. Taylor couldn’t stand Nick anymore. His oyster and hot sauce breath was over the top. Corinne knows she’s sticking around because the producers have been telling her to “bitch it up” so she offers to fake a spat with Taylor knowing it will get her sent home immediately. They fist bump. Then Taylor shows up at the dinner in order to give Corinne ten minutes of space to breathe after spending the entire day with Mr. I Don’t Understand Couches.

Later everyone heads to The Dreaded Rose Ceremony. Chris Harrison appears to tell everyone that Nick canceled the cocktail portion of the ceremony because “he knows exactly what he wants to do tonight” and everyone is horrified because that means they’re missing the free booze portion of the evening, and the only way this shit is tolerable is when you’re nursing a solid Shiraz buzz.

Nick hands out some flowers and due to his contractual obligation, Chris Harrison shows up to tell everyone when one rose is left.

THANK GOD CHRIS. WE WERE SO CONFUSED.

Jaimi, Alexis and Josephine go home. That super sucks because it means Shark Girl doesn’t win. Bummer.

That means we’re down to nine women. And I figured that out without Chris Harrison’s help.

Nick announces to everyone that they’re headed to Saint Thomas and they all scream because that’s why we’re here, ya’ll – for the free travel.

Kristina scores the first one-on-one date. They go to a beach where they spend some time making out in the water, then to dinner where Nick says “I got my girl a lobster” like he fucking dove to the bottom of the sea to procure it himself.

Dude, you neither ordered dinner nor caught that lobster. You didn’t do jack shit. In fact I bet if Nick saw the ugly little shellfish crawling around on each other in a tank he’d scream and run away like little kids do at Red Lobster.

Kristina tells Nick about how she was raised in a neglectful household in Russia, forced to eat lipstick because there was no food available. She eventually wound up in an orphanage and then was adopted at age twelve. Being adopted, she reflects, saved her from what was likely a life of strife and probably prostitution in order to feed herself. Oh, and she had to leave her sister behind. Rich and I both cried when she talked about leaving her sister in Russia.

Nick was also completely floored by all of this: “When I was five, I was crying about going to kindergarten,” he reflects tearfully.

And now this poor woman is saddled with Nick. I wanted her to eat her lobster, then Nick’s, then get an entire chocolate cake all to herself.  Instead she gets a rose.

The next day several of the women and Nick go to the beach for a group date. Nick wears a beaded necklace that screams “douche.” If that wasn’t troubling enough he also prances around pretending to be “a drunk baby dinosaur.”  Wow, this guy is a catch. How is he still single?

Then they divide up to play some volleyball, the sport that I hated the most in school. Look, if a ball is headed toward my FACE, I’m going to duck, not hit it. Sorry.

The women are all terrible at volleyball and resentful that they have to do this stupid fucking thing. Some of them yell, “This is stupid!” and “I’m not playing anymore.”

Rachel walks off pointing out that she’s not going to compete to get Nick’s attention which is awesome but also kind of confusing as that’s the premise of the entire show. She says she doesn’t feel valued. Vanessa reflects that she’s fed up with the whole process of competing for Nick’s time, too. She breaks down and starts to cry.

NO ONE WANTS TO PLAY FUCKING VOLLEYBALL OKAY, NICK?

One game of volleyball and we start to see the cracks in the process. The women are frustrated and tired and don’t want to play pretend at this bullshit competition anymore. We can sense an uprising on the horizon, a terrifying sisterhood birthed on reality TV.

Nick, instinctually, begins to look afraid even though he doesn’t have the capacity to understand that the volleyball game is acting as a microcosm within a macrocosm. He just senses on some primal level that his balls might be in danger.

RISE UP LADIES! RISE UP AND FORM THE RESISTANCE!

The producers must have had a moment of paralyzing fear, realizing that they’ve pushed the women to the edge and may now be facing a band of smart, successful, driven women who want to tear them limb from limb.

“I think this idea of trying to have a relaxing, fun day kind of backfired on me,” Nick says as he stalks off to pout. “It was pretty much a disaster. It almost feels like a wasted day.”

WELL MAYBE IT WASN’T RELAXING OR FUN FOR THEM, NICK, YOU DOUCHENOZZLE.

“Things are becoming intense,” Nick notes. “Its becoming more and more serious for everyone…If I don’t get things back on track tonight, I think I could be in big trouble.”

I think you’d better hide the sharp objects is what I think, Nick.

Cut to dinner on the beach. The women clearly have their “not taking your shit” faces on.  Raven is wearing the most amazing lime green outfit.

Rachel tells Nick that she’s debating leaving and he goes into this long spiel about how hard this is for him too and he’s had panic attacks and blah blah blah and the audience collectively rolls their eyes. Jasmine, who hasn’t had a one-on-one date yet and feels overlooked and erased, says of Nick, “In my head, I want to punch him in his face!”

Nick says nervously, “I don’t know how to fix this.”

You could try treating them like actual human beings not instruments of your entertainment, Nick. Just a thought.

Then the women rise in up in glorious rebellion, kicking Nick, Chris Harrison and the producers to the curb. They take over their Saint Thomas mansion declaring it The Bachelorette Free Territories and live a life of luxury, sipping on champagne and eating nachos.

Okay, that doesn’t happen, but I wanted it to so badly.

Jasmine confronts Nick, “I’m here. Do you not see me?”

“Yeah,” Nick mutters. “You’re hard to miss.” Nick doesn’t understand that she didn’t mean literally see her. I almost expected him to say “I have eyes!” and then point to them.

“I want to fucking choke you so bad,” Jasmine replies and actually puts a hand on his throat. Nick is laughing but it’s a laugh of terror.

It’s pretty clear that Jasmine is so fed up that she’s spiraling, and Nick has no idea how to handle the situation. He basically offers zero reassurance or validation because that would require Nick to have some level of emotional competence.  Instead he does the exact opposite of those things and sends Jasmine home.

“I think tonight things just kind of came to my head,” Nick says.

Do you mean you had thoughts?

Oh wait. He meant “a head.” Jesus, Nick. Stop muttering.

The next day Danielle L and Whitney go on a beach date with Nick. He’s still wearing his stupid necklace. I paused the show and Rich and I stared at it for the longest time trying to figure out what the fuck it was. It’s not shells after all. Braided leather? Rich wondered if it was electrified so the producers could give him a little zap when he went off script–like one of those training collars. For the record, I would not use a training collar on a dog, but I would use one on Nick.

Keeping with the pattern of “Nick fucking everything up this episode” he pulls Whitney aside for a little chat. While rubbing her thigh he says “I don’t know if you’ve noticed but you’re really beautiful. You have this kind of really sweet aura around you, kind of, like this really warm heart, you know?”

Basically through the date Nick makes the women sit on opposite ends of the beach, then walks back and forth between them, talking to each of them in turn. So he’ll go up to Whitney and say, “I was just talking to Danielle…”

SHE KNOWS NICK. THEY ARE TWENTY FEET AWAY FROM EACH OTHER.

It’s super weird and awkward. After complimenting her aura, Nick decides to send Whitney home. He’s rambling so badly, words failing to make sense, that for a minute I wondered if he was having a stroke.

Then Nick takes Danielle L to dinner in an old prison. I swear to God, the location scout for this show is making a point. A prison. The Museum of Broken Relationships. The murder forest. LADIES, THIS IS A WARNING.

During dinner, Danielle L tells Nick she’s falling in love with him. Every time the camera pans back to Nick, he’s sweating profusely–like bad shellfish sweating.

Nick gives Danielle a rambling speech about how he wanted it to be her, but his “heart says no.” Basically the old “its not you, it’s me” speech.

It’s definitely you, Nick.

He lets Danielle L go. That makes six women gone this episode, six remaining.

After Danielle drives away, Nick stalks around looking anguished and furious. DUDE. YOU LET HER GO.

He goes back to the hotel and walks into the women’s suite, unannounced. He’s crying. He basically tells them that he was really optimistic about Danielle L and realizing he wasn’t falling in love with her was a huge blow. He’s afraid the same thing will happen with the other women. He’s already been through this process twice and it’s not working!

Maybe, just maybe, that’s indicative of the fact that THIS PROCESS OF FINDING TRUE LOVE ON REALITY TV DOESNT ACTUALLY WORK.

Then he says, “I don’t know if I can keep doing this. I gotta go,” and walks out. Everyone stares, bewildered. Nick storms out of the hotel. Honestly his behavior is so weirdly agitated that it’s a little scary.

Now clearly I’m not super sympathetic to Nick because I shamelessly make fun of him, but truthfully I did find his behavior to be disturbing. It’s fair to remember that by this point in the show everyone is literally exhausted from the travel and the filming schedule so people are bound to come unglued. Nick’s anger and sadness over the fact that none of the women are working out for him though is troubling when his job is essentially to passively select them while they carry all the burden of connecting with him.

I mean what has Nick really done up to this point except pretend to be a dinosaur and kiss a bunch of people? A whole lotta nothing, that’s what. There’s also a rumor that Nick lost his shit and flipped a table after sending Danielle L home, but no footage to substantiate that.

What did you think of tonight’s six eliminations? Is Nick coming unhinged?