Elyse Watches The Bachelor–Episode Seven: Crocodile Tears

It’s the best day of the week everyone–the day when we get drunk on Kraken rum and Coke, cuddle with the cat, and watch human dumpster fire Nick Viall try to find true love via reality TV.

Okay, first of all, today ABC announced that the next Bachelorette is Rachel Lindsay, a woman who is–GASP–not White. Good job, ABC! Way to get around to that a few decades late! But seriously, it’s awesome that we finally get a woman of color as The Bachelorette.

It’s also kind of a weird spoiler since obviously Rachel isn’t Nick’s chosen love at the end of this season or she wouldn’t be selected to have her own show.

Wait…unless she kills him….

Anyway, last week on Elyse Watches The Bachelor...

Everyone went to the tropics where the women had a volleyball induced meltdown. Nick let six women go–literally half the contestants–and then had a tantrum. He started crying because this process where women literally compete for his attention somehow wasn’t working out for HIM.

That leads me to conclude that Nick either actually believes he’s supposed to fall in love at the end of the show or he’s afraid of being humiliated by going through three–three–rounds of this bullshit and still winding up alone. Both options are terrifying, quite frankly.

Does Nick not know you can meet women at work or restaurants or parks or a book store? Does he think there’s some law preventing him from dating anyone Chris Harrison doesn’t push in front of him? Does he assume that any random woman who steps out of a limo is looking for true love?

Who knows? Nick’s mind is a tangled, dangerous place.

So we’re starting off this week with Nick proving to the world that he has the emotional fluency of a toddler, and six women (Corinne, Rachel, Vanessa, Danielle M, Raven, and Kristina) left sitting around looking uncomfortable.

Now on to the show!

The morning after Nick’s pity-party, he shows up in the suite the women are sharing and apologizes for being a giant d-bag. Kinda.

“Um…I’m-I’m very sorry for barging in last night,” he tells them. “I just got really scared.”

Nick continues to explain that he had a feeling that turned out to be an emotion, not gas or an erection, and he doesn’t really know how to process that. He proposed to two women on reality TV and was rejected both times and now he’s real nervous that he’ll be rejected again. Apparently not nervous enough to skip all the reality TV bullshit and just find a partner in a more private, non-contrived way, but yeah…

Mind you, literally 29 women will be rejected on this show, but hey, we’re here for Nick’s fragile little ego.

Despite his reservations, Nick decides to stay committed to the TV romance process that’s failed him thus far. He cancels The Dreaded Rose Ceremony, and everyone heads to Bimini. It’s worth pointing out that the women are 1000% more excited about their beachside villa in Bimini than they are about Nick.

Vanessa gets the first one-on-one date which creates some chatter since she already had a solo date with Nick — the one where he kissed her after she puked.

HOW YOU GONNA TOP THAT, NICK?

I’d like to point out that even if my heart stopped and my husband did CPR, and I puked during the CPR but came back to life, and he was so relieved he wanted to kiss me, I would still make him wait till I brushed my damn teeth.

Nick and Vanessa go snorkeling and spend a lot of time kissing underwater. At least the salt water will kill some of the bacteria the cast keeps passing back and forth, I guess.

At dinner Vanessa reflects that her relationship with Nick feels “easy.” I think by easy she meant “we stick to subjects like our favorite shapes and colors and as long as he gets a nap in when he’s emotionally over-wrought we’re okay.”

She also drops the “I’m falling in love with you” bomb — everyone take a shot — which is a way of not exactly saying “I love you” but still opening it up for Nick to reciprocate.

Nick starts to babble nonsensically and best I could tell after multiple rewinds replies, “I have been in love before. I have fallen in love in this environment before. I have said I love you in this environment before. I know I’m not ashamed of it, I don’t take it back, but I’m looking for the kind of love I’ve never had before. And I do believe, even though I’ve been in love before, that there is a greater love for me than what I’ve had.”

Holy shit. That was coherent and kind of self-aware.

Then he continues, “It is incredibly important for me, um, if I’m lucky enough to feel love or say it in this world, that I only say it to one person. I’ve never dated multiple women before. Um. I’ve never grown relations with multiple women before.”

GROWN RELATIONS?

Is he talking about the swab the doc has culturing in a petri dish right now? That’s not growing relations, Nick, that’s distinguishing between a need for broad or narrow spectrum antibiotics.

Vanessa is not thrilled with his answer.

The next day is reserved for a group date with Corinne, Raven and Kristina. They take a yacht out to sea. The ladies strip down to their bikinis and Nick offers to put sunscreen on them, but not in a I-really-care-about-skin-cancer-awareness way, more in the does-your-cooch-need-sunscreen-too-I’m-a-twelve-year-old-boy way.

Nick announces to the women that they’re going to be swimming with sharks.

WHERE ARE YOU ALEXIS? WE NEED YOU RIGHT NOW!

Resident badass Raven says, “I will punch a shark in the face if it gets close to me.”

I love you, Raven.

After snorkeling, everyone changes into evening wear and goes out for cocktails. A single rose sits on the table — the only rose that will be given away. ABC tries to make it sound like this one rose will protect the bearer from savage bears or VD or something, like whoever doesn’t get it will die OMG.

In reality, if you follow their eye line, the ladies are really staring at the booze, not the flower.

While talking privately to Kristina, Nick tears up because “I just let my emotions get the best of me.”

Emotion, Nick. You just have the one, remember?

Also he’s been crying a lot this episode. A LOT. I’m starting to get worried for him.

Nick gives the precious, magical rose to Raven. Then in an obvious ABC promo opportunity, Raven and Nick dance on the beach after stumbling upon a TOTALLY IMPROMPTU NOT AT ALL PLANNED concert by Adam Friedman. I’m betting Nick is required to say “Adam Friedman” with the same petrified enthusiasm as a safe word later. Left behind, Kristina and Corinne totally dive into the booze and cheese tray.

The next day Danielle M has her second one-on-one date with Nick. They ride bikes through Bimini, doing touristy stuff, like playing basketball with some local kids and dancing in front of a random guitar player. It’s all incredibly awkward.

But not nearly as awkward as the ensuing conversation over drinks. These are two people who clearly have nothing to talk about.

After agonizing silence, they both stare vacantly at the ocean. “Um… it’s kinda pretty,” Nick says.

“It’s pretty,” Danielle agrees.

The audience winces with the pain of the awkwarding.

During dinner Danielle tells Nick that her heart is really open and that she cares about him a lot. He might be the first real relationship she sees herself in since her fiancé died.

Ever the tactful gentleman, Nick replies that he doesn’t feel the same way.

“I’m sorry,” he says tearfully. “You’re just so great.”

“Not great enough,” she replies, looking like she wants to stab him.

When Danielle gets back to the villa, the other women hug her supportively and tell her she’s beautiful, providing 100% of the validation that Nick missed completely.

ALL OF THESE WOMEN WOULD MAKE A BETTER BACHELOR THAN NICK, JFC.

Also, Nick has cried on all of his dates now. He’s cried more times in this episode than I have in the past five years. I feel like the producers are intentionally depriving him of sleep to elicit an emotional response.

Corinne, this season’s villain,  decides that she has to up her game. She shows up at Nick’s hotel room looking for some “one-on-one” time.

Nick opens the door nervously. “Heeyyyy. What’s up. What are you doing here?”

There’s a twinge of fear in his voice. Like if he gets caught with the ladies without his handlers present Chris Harrison breaks out the hose.

Once Nick realizes he’s not going to be pushed back into his pen with cattle prods, he relaxes. Corinne leads him to his bedroom.

In the best cutaway of the season, she reflects that “My heart is gold, but my vagine, is platinum.”

That’s pronounced VAH-ZHEEN, people.

I mean good on Corinne for owning her sexuality, but we do NOT need another unrealistic beauty standard. Women are already expected to bleach their buttholes, now we gotta dip our vagines in platinum, too?

Hell, no. I mean, yeah, it’s non corrosive so that’s good, but I have to draw the line somewhere. I don’t want my hoosey to be able to tell which direction the wind is coming from on a cold day.

After the bedroom door closes, Nick asks, “What do you have in mind?”

WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK, NICK?

Also, they are both totally mic’d the whole time.

Corinne knows exactly what Corinne needs. “Both hands, at all times, no jiggling, lightly massage,” she orders. Corinne is gonna get to O-town folks, even if she has to lead Nick there with a flashlight and a map.

But just when we think we’re going to hear bed springs squeaking, Nick says, “I don’t think this is a good idea.”

I think the next thing he says is, “Very tempting, but I’ve learned its always best to wait in these instances.”

Nick mumbles so much though that he may also have said, “Mary Tyler Moore, but I’ve learned always blast the waist, these instances.”

Corinne leaves his room feeling embarrassed and rejected, and honestly I felt bad for her. “Now I’m really sad and self conscious,” she reflects.

Don’t be, honey. He’s so confused he thought you were Mary Tyler Moore. You’re best going solo tonight.

Then, BECAUSE THIS EPISODE NEVER FUCKING ENDS, Nick takes Rachel on a one-on-one date, “to a place that’s known to have only locals. No tourists.”

JESUS NICK DO YOU HAVE TO RUIN EVERYTHING? DO YOU HAVE TO RUIN BIMINI FOR THE PEOPLE WHO LIVE THERE?

They have some drinks and a local wisely warns Rachel away from Nick. Their date is cut weirdly short, like they spent too much time on Corinne’s breast-handling instructions and now need to make up for it.

Before The Dreaded Rose Ceremony, Nick sits down with Chris Harrison for some bro time. He lays his one emotion on Chris, looking for counsel. Considering Chris’s entire job on the show is to announce when one rose is left, Nick might have been better off going elsewhere for advice.

Nick shocks everyone and shows up at the villa, asking for Kristina. They sit down outside and Nick starts crying again. At this point I’m concerned about his hydration and his mental stability.

Nick says, “I think you’re someone from–when I met you–pffffft.” The last part was kind of a high squealing sigh like a balloon deflating. “Right now I don’t feel like there’s the in love.”

I DON’T FEEL LIKE THERE’S THE “IN LOVE.”

The “in love” is very important to any serious relationship.

Kristina, WHO ONCE ATE FUCKING LIPSTICK TO SURVIVE, says, “You didn’t give me a fair chance.”

Believe me, Kristina. You are better off.

Because clearly he’s the wounded party, Nick takes the time to sob while hanging over a balcony.

The other women cry at Kristina’s departure with more authentic emotion than Nick has managed to conjure up all season. The episode ends as Nick wanders along  beautiful tropical beach forlornly, reflecting on the pain of having thirty beautiful women vying for his attention, weeping openly.

What did you think of Corinne’s failed seduction? And more importantly, how do you feel about Rachel being the next Bachelorette? Totally awesome or too much of a spoiler?