Elyse Watches The Bachelor–Episode Two: Slut Shaming

Previously on Elyse Watches the Bachelor…

Thirty women show up at a McMansion somewhere in LA to meet the 21st Bachelor, Nick Viall AKA This Fucking Guy:

In my previous post I put forth my thesis that no one actually competes on The Bachelor to win The Bachelor. So why go on the show? Because you get to hang out with thirty other awesome women, drink up all the wine in Chateau ABC’s cellar, and travel the world without dropping a dime. Sure, someone has to make out with Nick every episode or so, but you can draw straws for that.

Before we start, I’d like to thank Dread Pirate Rachel for telling me about a drink called a Dark and Stormy (2-3 oz dark rum–I prefer Kraken and sadly I am not getting paid to pimp them–3 1/2 to 5 oz ginger beer and a lime wedge). I’m really glad I’m not working tomorrow because this is going to get me drunk fast.

Also shout out to Erin for pointing out to me that Chris Hansen and Chris Harrison are actually two entirely different people. Chris Hansen confronts would be sex offenders. Chris Harrison leads The Bachelor back to his pen every night.

Now on to the show!

The theme of tonight’s episode is Slut Shaming because apparently no one told the execs at ABC that sometimes women have sex for no other reason than it feels good. I realize that I read a lot of sexually explicit books–sometimes sexually explicit books involving reindeer shifters–so I’m not big on pearl clutching, but the level to which this episode took Slut Shaming was absolutely ridiculous and rage inducing.

Fuck you, ABC. Fuck you.

The episode starts with the first group date of the season, which isn’t so much a date as an activity that allows the women (ostensibly) to make an impression on Nick while drinking a lot of white wine. This “group date” is a wedding photo shoot in which each of the women wears a dress that corresponds to a different theme (80’s wedding, shotgun wedding, beach wedding, etc).

Now clearly we’re meant to focus on the women here and their relationship to Nick, but the real treat in this scene is the photographer who is wearing what I think is a short sleeved, deco-printed jumpsuit and says stuff like “I know you from before time” in an Inspector Clouseau accent.

1. Can he be the next Bachelor? PLEASE ABC PLEASE?
2. Is this really the forum in which to discuss the concept of time and how it frames our understanding of existence? No. Not it’s not. It’s time to put on wedding dresses and drink pinot grigio.

Among the women chosen for this date is Alexis aka Shark-Dolphin girl. She’s given the “shotgun bride” theme for her photoshoot and keenly observes:

“I had no idea what a shotgun wedding was. I thought I was going to be hot and sexy with guns but, no, I’m pregnant.”

Her disappointment is palpable.

Then we get to Corrine, business woman from Florida. Corrine is supposed to have a beach themed photo shoot complete with bikini, but decides “fuck it”. She pulls off the bikini top and has Nick hold her boobs, “Janet Jackson style.”

The photographer, when he’s not contemplating the ontological truths of time, decides that this is the best shot.

Now it’s clear from the editing that ABC wants us to be scandalized that a consenting adult man touched a consenting adult woman’s boobs. To which I reply:

Oh, lord, that’s rich. Two adults going to second base and we should all rear back in horror. Hell, I’d touch Corrine’s boobs if she asked me to purely because they look really soft and I’m here to help a sister out.

Sometimes when I’m PMSing my boobs hurt so bad I’d like the postman rub them if it meant easing the ache.

C’mon, ABC. Get your shit together.

Of the boob-touching experience, Corrine says, “No one has held my boobs like that.”

I guess Nick has really warm hands. Maybe he moisturizes. Good on Corrine for recognizing the importance of sexual chemistry in any relationship.

After the wedding photoshoot the women go to “dinner” (aka a fuckton of clear liquor and some sushi) and are allowed one-on-one time with Nick. Corrine keeps interrupting the others and while they act indignant on camera, we all know they’re super grateful because they can get back to their dragon roll and sauvignon blanc.

Through of all of this I can’t help but think that Nick looks perpetually surprised to be there, sort of like an especially smart sheep.  People who have watched Bachelor in Paradise tell me that coming from that show provides a different context to Nick, but as a newcomer he plays like an idiot, quite honestly.

Then comes Nick’s solo date with Danielle M, the NICU nurse. They take a helicopter to a yacht where — both Wisconsin natives — they partake of much cheese.

As they have dinner, Danielle tells Nick how her last relationship ended: her fiancé overdosed on drugs, and Danielle found his body. She had no idea he was an addict.

I’m going to step away from the snark and the sarcasm here to be entirely serious. I cannot imagine pain like that. I cannot imagine finding the person I loved deceased. I cannot imagine finding out that they were battling an addiction I didn’t know about. I thank Danielle for being able to speak about something so horrifically painful and tragic in such a public forum, and I hope that it helps just one person who is watching. This woman is courageous and far too good for a show like this.

Nick handled her story with grace, and thank God he did, because had he responded any other way I’d have lost my shit completely.

Sarcasm and stark recommencing.

One the second group date Nick takes the ladies to the Museum of Broken Relationships and asks the women to find the memento he donated to the museum—aka THE SADDEST SCAVENGER HUNT EVER.

Who the ever lovin’ fuck thought this was a good date?

HERE’S AN ENTIRE MUSEUM DEVOTED TO FAILED RELATIONSHIPS AND I ALSO LEFT A TALISMAN OF MY OWN PAINFUL BREAKUP! YAY!

Jesus, can you imagine what the gift shop is like? I bet it’s just hard liquor and Kleenex.

Turns out Nick’s contribution is a dead rose and the engagement ring that Nick picked out for The Bachelorette.

Back to Elyse Reads a Lot of True Crime Stuff: if you are on your first (third, tenth) date with a dude and he wants to take you the MUSEUM WHERE HE’S MEMORIALIZED HIS LAST BREAKUP WITH A DEAD FLOWER, you get the fuck out. You change your number. Maybe you stay with a friend for awhile. You back away real goddamn slowly because I’m willing to bet he’s also memorialized that relationship with a human head in a chest freezer somewhere.

JESUS.

On a side note, there was also a pair of breast implants in a glass case and I want that story so damn badly.

I have removed
the implants
that you
bought me
and which
I donated
to a museum
because why not?
Forgive me!
Wait, who am I kidding?
My boobs are amazing
all on their own.

Because this “date” wasn’t already horrific enough, the women get to publicly “break up” with Nick in front of a live audience.

I’d like to point out that I’m basically shit faced right now. I’m so drunk on Dark and Stormys that my face is actually numb. I’ve taken notes for this episode that are completely undecipherable. I think I wrote down: “It can’t make me better. It made me want a good.”

Right, so drunk as I am, even I know this is a fucked up date. Was some producer at ABC super bitter about something when they scouted this date? “Hey! Dennis just got through an awful divorce, let’s have him location scout for The Bachelor okay? Yeah, I know he’s been crying a lot but I think it’ll do him good to get outside for awhile.”

So anyway, during this “breakup skit,” RN Josephine walks up to Nick and JUST FUCKING DECKS HIM. The women gasp-applaud. YOU GO JOSEPHINE. ESTABLISH DOMINANCE EARLY.

Then we get to Liz, who as previously revealed, slept with Nick before when they met at a wedding. Again ABC wants this be some kind of scandal. They had sex. Two consenting adults had sex at a wedding. THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE!!!! RAISE THE ALARMS! START SEWING SCARLET LETTERS! A MAN AND A WOMAN TOUCHED PRIVATE BITS CONSENSUALLY AND APPARENTLY ENJOYED IT.

There is nothing at all weird that these two people have a past sexual history. What is kind of weird is that Liz takes this opportunity to talk about it now. I tend to think that Nick may have disappointed her sexually and she’s using this public forum to warn the other women off. LOCK YOUR FANTASY SUITE DOOR!

Nick responds, “I’m so confused!”

We know, honey. We know.

Nick later says he’s “living his nightmare” because Liz told the story of how they met to a group of strangers.

Good share, Nick!

Living my nightmare would involve running away from giant spiders that are also on fire and have clown faces, but everyone is unique, I guess.

Nick is concerned that Liz’s confession might make some of the women think he’s “keeping a secret from them” which, technically speaking, IS EXACTLY WHAT HE’S DOING.

Nick says, “I want to be up front with all the women as soon as possible.” So long as ‘as soon as possible’ doesn’t mean ‘now’ apparently. Maybe the photographer needs to come back and explain how time works–or at least the concept of ‘now.’

Clearly traumatized, Nick tells Liz she’s going home. He thinks the only reason she’s on the show is to get fame, free travel and drunk at ABC’s expense–she’s not there for him. It’s a moment of terrifying clarity where Nick almost breaks through the fourth wall and realizes what the show is actually about. Fortunately his self-awareness is short lived.

He tells the other women how he and Liz had a one night stand before while dramatic music plays. We all fall asleep for a second because OMG TWO PEOPLE HAD SEX ONCE.

While he has one-on-one time with the women, Jaimi tells Nick that she’s bisexual thereby opening the door for another awesome Australian Bachelor moment. Fingers crossed!

Since Nick let Liz go, we get to skip The Dreaded Rose Ceremony. During the credits we get a clip of Nick and Alexis celebrating the anniversary of her breast augmentation with cupcakes.

Nick describes her boobs as “fresh, young babies.” My skin actually crawled. I visibly shuddered.

Nonetheless, I want Alexis to win so bad!

So what did you think of Liz’s big reveal at the Museum of Broken Relationships? Should she have been sent home? And more importantly, what are you drinking?