Outlander 2.06: “Best Laid Schemes…”

The title card is someone making and lighting torches.

Jamie sits at his desk, staring into space. Murtagh enters, saying that Randall’s been released from the Bastille, and he’s going to meet with Randall’s second to discuss the details. It’ll be in two days, in the Bascome (sp) Woods. Murtagh notices that Jamie is considerably less into this duel idea than he was last week, and he’s like don’t worry you’re pretty red head, lad, the gens d’arme don’t patrol there. Also we should go practice because your hand is still weak.

Jamie says he can’t, and Murtagh thinks this mean he can’t go practice. “Tonight, then. We can’t let it go until tomorrow.” Jamie breaks it to Murtagh that he won’t be dueling, and he’s already withdrawn the challenge. Murtagh can’t understand why. Jamie says it’s complicated. “I ken I’m a simple man, but strive for an explanation.” Jamie can’t. Murtagh: “Your mind changes like a woman in flux.” HEY NOW. Jamie asks him to trust that he’s got a good reason. Murtagh glowers and clearly does not.

The butler, who’s name I have forgotten – Magnus? (It’s Magnus) – wishes Murtagh a good morning (“SAYS YOU”) and tells Jamie that Claire has insisted on a proper breakfast. Claire herself has gone to L’Hopital.

At L’Hopital, a VERY pregnant Claire walks by M. Forez (the Royal Executioner and sometimes surgeon), who asks for her help to prepare a dead man for his burial. He has been summoned to perform his usual duties. Claire asks who the unlucky person is, and M. Forez tells her that it’s to be several practitioners of the dark arts, and, he looks at her meaningfully, all those who associate with them.

Claire asks when, and Forez tells her as soon as they can be rounded up. I have procedural questions. He thought at first that these poor dudes were to be hanged, but it’s the King’s pleasure that they be drawn and quartered. Claire: “Pleasure is not the word that comes to mind.”

Forez says, with a knowing smile, that hanging someone takes no skills, but to properly draw and quarter someone takes great skill. He explains that first the man (or woman) must be hanged, but not so the neck is broken, and as death approaches you must grasp the heart and pull it out quickly enough so that it is still beating when you hold it in front of the crowd. The rest is mere butchery – dismembering the body takes no skill.

Okay, but you missed a few steps there, like the disemboweling and tossing of the entrails on the fire. Was that too gross even for Starz? One wonders.

Anyway, M. Forez apologizes for making Claire pale from this “tedious conversation.” Dear god I love French. “Perhaps our friend, Master Raymond, would be better company.” He raises his chin meaningfully, and Claire understands the message.

She rushes to the apothecary shop, and tells Raymond he needs to leave. Raymond is unruffled – this has all happened before, and this was all happen again. Louis grandfather did the same thing, and Raymond is fine. “’Twas a veiled manifestation of his piousness.” But everyone who was rounded up was freed, they just had to renounce Satan, NBD. He was just pulling weeds.

Claire tells him that M. Forez told her that he was preparing for multiple executions, and Raymond’s like, well, merde. You shouldn’t have come, you’ve put yourself at risk. But he’s touched that she would do such a thing for him. Claire: That’s what friends are for. In good times, in bad time s- Raymond says he will flee the city at once, and she’s not to worry: “No matter how often one removes weeds, they have a habit of reappearing. We will meet again, Madonna, in this life or another.” She leaves, and he take a minute to breathe.

At home, Jamie massages Claire’s feet, he says that he remembered Jenny saying how much it helped. Claire smiles, and Jamie frowns. He’s been thinking, see. Claire said he owed her a life, but he’s saved hers as often as she’s saved his, so… really they are even. Jamie didn’t allow Randall to live because he feels like he owes Frank shi t- Claire had a choice and she made it, so Frank-as-a-person doesn’t enter into the equation. “Frank is innocent in all of this.” Jamie: What Randall did was worse than death, and it can only be settled once one of us dies. Claire: Why, then?

Well, because of Charles Stuart. See, if this doesn’t work, if they can’t stop the Rising, if it all ends on Culloden Moor, and if something happens to Jamie, he wants there to be a place for Claire. A place of safety, and someone who will care for her and the bairn. “I want it to be a man that loves you.” He wants a promise, too: If the time should come, she will go back through the stones. “I promise.” He puts a hand on her belly, then lays his head on it, while she looks troubled.

Later, Claire is grinding herbs in her mortar, and keeping Fergus’ tricky fingers out of everything. Murtagh watches, crankily, and demands to have this plot explained to him. They’re going to fake smallpox because if this investment is successful and Charles gets a little bit of money, then backers will be lining up to give him money. But if they can get the harbormaster at Le Havre to destroy the warehouse and wine shipment, and boom, done.

Murtagh has a pragmatic/fundamentally lazy solution though: slit the fucker’s throat. But that’ll make him a martyr, and that’s as bad.

Claire lists her potions: essence of rosemary and bitter cascara – she gives it to Jamie to drink. She also dabs on a mash of nettles on his chest, while Fergus plays with a rolled bandage. Claire snaps at him to pay attention, which he protests that he is, while he has the bandage over his eyes. “I am!” “But you’re not!” Jamie says he doesn’t feel anything, and Claire assures him that he will, and hands him a vial with rose madder in it – it will make his pee look bloody. The plan is to get St. Germain’s men to drink the stuff, and Jamie is sure he can. Frenchmen do drink, after all.

The nettle juice will give them a rash, and the rose madder will do it’\s thing, and the bitter cascara will, as we’ve seen, cause EPIC runs, so that should do the trick. Jamie puts a hand to his stomach, and keels over with a cramp. He’s also got a rash! “Et voila! Smallpox!” Murtagh snorts that this is just masquerades and games. “What’s next? Charades?” Fergus says that the ladies at Maison Elise play charades without any clothes on. Jamie dismisses him, and is very uncomfortable.

Claire puts some aloe or something on the rash on Jamie’s chest, and observes that Murtagh is angry. Jamie’s like yeah, can you blame him? We should tell him. Claire agrees, and they both agree that they need to tell him everything. But maybe after Jamie’s gotten the cascara out of his system.

In the courtyard, Murtagh is pacing, and Jamie comes out. From the window, we see them talking, but can’t hear it. Jamie is gesticulating, while Murtagh is just like “WTAF am I hearing right now.” Claire watches them, as Jamie explains more, in Gaelic. Murtagh looks at the ground and considers, and kind of shrugs. “If you believe your wife to be a….witch? Then who am I to contradict you?” Then he punches Jamie in the face. “You should have trusted me with that knowledge from the beginning!” Claire exhales in relief.

Later, Jamie and Fergus are saddling up to go engaging in some corporate espionage, and Claire comes out with Jamie’s man-bag. He assures her that he will be careful. “You always say that. Mean it this time.” She turns to Fergus, “And you, don’t do anything dimwitted.” Fergus is insulted. “Moi?” “YES YOU.” They’ll be back in a couple of days.

Inside, Murtagh is writing at the desk, and Claire comes over. He’s written out all the years she’s lived – 1918 through 1945. “Ye ken what happens to the Jacobites.” It’s not a question. She does. And she knows how it ends. “And it doesn’t end well.” It does not, and that’s why they need to stop it from happening. Murtagh’s like yeah, but you know all the dates and when things will happen and when people will die, right? She doesn’t know about most people – Murtagh, Jamie… anyone, really. “Even knowing what Jamie says you do, I wouldn’t want to bear that burden.” He takes her hands, in comfort, in absolution…I just love how they’ve developed this relationship SO MUCH.

Jamie and Fergus ride and ride and ride, and late at night, have snuck into the warehouse in question. Fergus, waits in the shadows, and when the coast is clear, snatches a few bottles of wine. Jamie smashes the corks open, and spikes the bottles with the various substances. Fergus puts the bottles on the table where the men will see them (and drink them) and brushes the nettle juice on the insides of abandoned coats. Once that’s done, the boys ride off.

Jamie comes into the room where Claire demands an after-action report. They didn’t stick around to see the results, but we’ll know soon enough if they were successful. Claire frets, and Jamie tells her not to worry: if anyone can deliver pestilence and disease, it’s them.

They make out, but Jamie is too tired for more.

Later, at night, Jamie heads to Maison Elise to see what’s up. Charles beckons to him from a private room. Charles has been “ANXIOUSLY WAITING.” St Germain is there too, and says that a message was sent to Jamie hours ago, and that he is an absurd choice, and unreliable to boot. Jamie: I came straightaway, what do you assholes want from me. Charles says he would trust Jamie with his life.

Charles says that a mysterious illness has swept St. Germain’s warehouse in Le Havre, and Jamie, playing a touch too innocent, asks if it is contagious. Maybe, but they should not openly speculate, and the men have been hidden away, but they can’t play that for much longer. Jamie asks if the harbormaster has been paid off, and St. Germain, with a touch of disgust, says the man is too scrupulous for that. But see, this is why Charles sent for Jamie! They need him to transport the wine at once.

Jamie: This could jeopardize my cousin’s business. St Germain spits that he warned Charles that Jamie would try to swindle more money out of them. Charles: He knows this isn’t a time for negotiation. St. Germain: Be that as it may, I don’t trust him. And he stalks off. Charles: James, you know this isn’t about just money. “Mark me, the profits from this endeavor will be the seeds to expel the Hanoverian usurpers to my father’s throne.” Jamie: I know, dude. I’ll get it arranged. Charles: You’re the best. Godspeed. Kiss my ring.

St. Germain says that not only will God be along on this trip – he’ll be along as well, to protect his investment. I’ll protect his “investment.” Jamie smilingly agrees, and they both are like “I hate your fucking guts.”

At the house, Murtagh is being dressed in aristo clothes, and he is NOT HAPPY. He can’t move and it’s stiff and he looks like an idiot. Suzette thinks his pants look hot. Claire frets that the current plan B isn’t great. “Do you even trust these men that you found?” Murtagh says money can buy anything, and Claire’s like, but these highwaymen, though, do they have the right clothes? Murtagh says it’ll be fine, and Jamie says they don’t have time to come up with a plan C right now. (Murtagh looks at his ruffled cuffs in disgust.) Claire asks if they have a Plan B.2 for if they get caught, and Jamie says yes. That plan is “don’t get caught.”

“This whole thing is dangerous.” Jamie: “’Tis.” Claire glowers and tells him that it is okay for him to lie to her every once in awhile, just to keep her at ease. Jamie notes that he will remember that for next time. Claire asks if they have a plan for St. Germain, and Murtagh says that they do. Jamie says that he’s thought of everything, and besides, Jamie is just an honest merchant tonight. It’s Murtagh that’ll be doing the whole robbery thing. Murtagh, testing the limits of his arm movement scowls that if he does get caught, Jamie should just kill him, because he refuses to be hanged wearing all that. (He looks foine, though). Suzette agrees with me, and offers to help him get out of the clothes. Right away.

That night, Jamie and Claire are in bed, and she apologizes – bad things tend to happen when they’re apart. Jamie smiles that they always find their way back to each other. Jamie has his hand on her belly, and suddenly starts. “Did he…?” Claire grins, “Yes, she did.” The baby’s been quite active, and Jamie asks if the baby can hear him. He leans close and says “A daughter. Wee ‘un? It’s your father. I canna wait to meet you.” Everyone melts, and they kiss. Jamie asks if they can… you know, with the bairn, and Claire says it’s fine, he won’t hurt us.

The next day, Claire is with Louise and some other ladies. Louise is laughing, as she does, and is imparting important gossip about a baron and his over exaggerated capabilities. The other ladies are also engaged in ribald gossip while Claire looks cranky and distracted.

One the road, St. Germain is on one cart, and Murtagh and his hired thugs jump out and stop them. St. Germain tries to make his driver keep going, but the driver is shot off his perch. St. Germain draws his pistol and aims it at the highwayman – Murtagh – and they stand off. Jamie and the other drovers drop their guns, but St. Germain will not. “You will be hunted and hanged.” Murtagh snaps for him to get down. “Never! NEVER” Jamie flings himself at St. Germain and knocks him down from the cart, and Murtagh fires after they are falling.

Murtagh jumps on Jamie, and at a nod, pistol-whips him. St. Germain is held by a few other highwayman, and he demands to know if they have any idea from whom they are stealing.

Back at Louise’s house, they are still gossiping – one man sleeps with his maid, who is also banging the cook… it is so scandalous. And disgusting. Claire has enough, and asks if it distresses anyone else how the city treats the poor – there are so many, surely they’ve seen them? They all agree that it is terrible, and one woman says that she will have her husband speak to the King. “Oui, oui, oui, I completely agree,” says Louise. “We should have the gendarmes should remove them to the less desirable parts of the city.” The other women nod. This is an excellent solution. That is not what Claire meant, ladies. Claire puts down her glass rather firmly and heads for the door. Louise, all concern now, asks if it’s time, and Claire’s like no. It’s not. She can’t bring herself to say she doesn’t like them very much, and leaves. Louise goes back to her gossip. You can’t stop the French Revolution, Claire.

At L’Hopital, Fergus is playing with Bouton, and Claire is helping feed patients. She stands and exhales sharply, and Hildegarde swoops over to tell Claire to sit down. Claire’s like I will, I just need to finish with some patients. “If you do not wish to become one yourself, you will do as I say!” She helps Claire to a bed, and notes some blood on Claire’s stockings- she’s spotting a bit. Hildegarde takes a quick look, and says that it’s nothing- votre petit is taking a new position, probably. She tells Claire that she will stay the night – it’s late. Hildegarde will send Fergus home with a message – Claire is to sleep.

In the morning, Charles is sadly bemoaning his fate – he’ll be persona non grata with the bankers of Paris, and no one will take him seriously ever again. St. Germain is boggled that the thieves knew their route so exactly. Jamie’s like that is the road from Le Havre to Paris. Charles asks, in careful French, if an ambush is not the preferred MO of the Les Disciples? St. Germain: That road, that time, our cargo? It’s weird. He snaps at Jamie, “ET VOUS. OUI, VOUS. You allege mere coincidence?” Jamie’s like yeah. I do, Monsieur St. Germain. St Germain kicks a stool out of his way and leaps to his feet: I AM A FUCKING COMTE. And now he’s nose to nose with Jamie and I am in heaven.

Charles points out that Jamie did save St. Germain from injury or death. Also, this whole fight you two are having? Will not bring back my wine and all these sacrifices I have made have been for nothing. “So where will the House of Stuart stand if our cause fails? I will be forced to return to Rome where even the Pope’s good will for my father begins to run dry. Or worse…Mark me, I will take my own life if I am forced to live in godforsaken Poland.” That’s a touch over dramatic, Chaz, but he’s about to cry.

Jamie goes home to find that Claire isn’t there, but there’s food. Fergus tells him that Claire spent the night at the hospital, and Jamie’s like “WE HAVE TO GO RIGHT NOW” and Fergus assures him that it was just late, everything is fine. Fergus allowed it. Fergus eyes the sideboard, and Jamie, knowing a growing boy when he sees one, gives the command for Fergus to eat. Fergus, loading his plate, asks when Murtagh will be home, and it won’t be for some time – he’s gone to Portugal to sell the wine. “I will miss his happy face.”

Suzette comes in with a message – Charles has run himself up a big bill and is refusing to pay, and Elise has threatened to call the cops on him unless she gets her money. Fergus offers to go as proxy, but Jamie will go himself. Fergus says that he will go along, to guard Jamie’s right.

At Elise’s, Jamie tells Fergus to wait, but Fergus is not good at that, He finds an open room with an unattended red coat, and rifles through a bag. Someone comes in, and all we see is Fergus, backing up slowly.

Later in the morning, Claire comes home, and Magnus is a bit weird. In her room, Suzette bustles in and offers Claire a bath. Claire asks where Jamie is – his hand brace is on the bed, so she’s back from Le Havre, so where is he? Suzette tells her that Jamie has gone to the woods – he was called to Maison Elise, because Charles, and after he arrived he got into a fight with an English officer and…well…Claire demands to know what the name is, and Suzette doesn’t know – she heard it all through the gossip chain. “TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED.”

Suzette stumbles through the story, and Claire finds a note from Jamie. “I’m sorry. I must.” She bends forward from a sudden pain, and then heads out to door with determination. She carefully hurries down the stairs, and tells Magnus that she needs the carriage – she’s going to the woods. He tries to tell her that Jamie wouldn’t want her to go alone. “Then come along, but I am going now.”

In the carriage, Claire is gripped by occasional pains, and touches the gold ring from Frank. “Goddamn you. You promised me.” In the woods, they can hear the clashing of swords, and Magnus helps her to find them. Claire stops as more pain rips through her, and there’s Jamie and BlackJack, fighting. Claire voice overs that she knew she couldn’t intervene, because a distraction might mean a fatal blow for someone. “All I could do was wait to see which of my men would die.” She keels forward as another pain hits.

The men fight, and BlackJack is a biter. BlackJack holds his arms wide and says, “How does she forgive you?” (How does he know that Jamie would need Claire’s forgiveness on this one?) Claire tries to call out, and pitches forward. Jamie slashes, hacks, and, eventually, stabs BlackJack in the junk. Claire moans in pain, and blood rushes from between her legs. She finally is able to call out for Jamie, and he sees her just as the gens d’armes find them. BlackJack is wounded, Jamie is crying for Claire but told to stop in the name of the King, and Magnus scoops up Claire and says he needs to get her home, and she says no, take her to L’Hopital, to Mother Hildegarde.

Jamie screams, and the light goes out of Claire’s face as she goes limp. I guess we’ll find out what happens next week.

Elyse: In this episode, Murtagh is mad because he’s not allowed to murder anyone, Fergus discusses naked charades, and Claire gives Jamie fake smallpox. God, I love this show so much.

Murtagh: “You change your mind more than a woman in flux.”

As a woman who has been fluxing for the last month, Imma smack you upside the head, Murtagh. But lovingly. Because I adore your grumpy face.

Also how is Claire THAT pregnant but when she shows back up in the future she’s not showing? Is she on baby number 2?

Jamie slightly redeems himself by 1. rubbing Claire’s feet and 2. listening to his sister about pregnancy woes. Then he flushes that redemption down the toilet by explaining why he’s got to let Frank die because he doesn’t owe Claire a life. Great job, Jamie. But then he wants her to go back to Frank if he dies? Okay, now I’m feeling a little emotional. Probably the flux, right, Murtagh?

“Why are we trying to fake smallpox?”

I love that quote. That sounds like something I’d overhear while my hubby and his friends were tabletop gaming.

Also FERGUS. Seriously I need a Murtagh/Fergus/Bouton show. Although I would also watch an entire episode of Jamie talking to Claire’s belly. Sniffle.

Also I feel like Claire got her revenge for every time Jamie was a shithead by getting to give him fake smallpox. DO NOT FUCK WITH THIS WOMAN.

And I love that Murtagh just believes Jamie and Claire because that’s how much he loves and trusts them. Also I would imagine that it makes the storytelling easier because they don’t need to spend entire episodes convincing him, but it’s lovely.

Also BlackJack gets stabbed in the penis so that’s a thing…

I cannot wait for the next episode!

RHG: I think the Comte de St. Germain wears too many clothes. I’m not sure, I need to do a science.