Jill emailed me asking for some Bitchery assistance. She needs some additional terms for “Bad Sex Bingo.” (I think I actually heard many of you sit up straight in your chairs!)
I’m co-teaching a workshop on how to write a sex scene. To illustrate the importance of proper vocabulary, I’m thinking of having the group play Bad Sex Bingo, an idea inspired by your Romance Novels Workouts.
I’m looking for the wince-inducing doozies–cliches, words that may be correct but just sound awful (such as turgid), sexist concepts (such as “one concession to femininity”), etc.
Here is Jill’s list so far – oh, sweet memories. I’ve read maaaaaany of these. Repeatedly. Oh, romance, please don’t ever change your turgid, sexy ways.
- Aching bulge
- Anything + “of love”
- Breasts like apples
- Breasts like cantaloupes
- Breasts like grapefruit
- Bud
- Button
- Dingle + anything else
- Distended
- Engorged flesh
- Family jewels
- Heaving loins
- Hilt
- Laved
- Length
- Love grotto
- Love sausage
- Lush folds
- Maidenhead
- Man-root
- Member
- Neglected nipples
- Nipples like cherries
- Nipples like pearls
- Nubbin
- One concession to femininity
- One-eyed
- Pendant
- Pert
- Phallus
- Pouting nipples
- Pulsating
- Purple
- Ram
- Ripe fruit
- Rod
- Ruched nipples
- Salami
- Shaft
- Silken grip
- Silken steel
- Snake
- Spear
- Straining masculinity
- Sword
- Tender sheath
- Throbbing manhood
- Tumescent
- Turgid
- Vagina like flowers
- Va-Jay-Jay
- Velvet purse
- Velvet steel
- Womanhood
- Wrinkled
I know you can think of many, many, maaaany silly, strange, odd, or perhaps excellent euphemisms used in sex scenes, or descriptions that made you tilt your head and frown. Please share in the comments if you’d like!
To make this even more fun, I have a set of Cards Against Romance Tropes, the Cards Against Humanity-esque game created by the Chicago North chapter of RWA for their Spring Fling in 2014. I will select a winner from the comments at random to win their own set of Cards Against Romance Tropes (CART).
Standard yadda-yadda applies: Void where prohibited. Open to international residents where permitted by applicable law. Must be over 18 and prepared to say the word “turgid.” We’ll sell you the whole seat, but you’ll only need the edge. I’ll select a winner at random from the comments on Friday 1 May 2015 and announce the winner same day.
So, bring it on: your turgid, your winsome, your throbbing members yearning to break free! We await your favorite, most goofy, wtf-y, and enjoyable sex scene terms!
Time to announce the winner! The winner of a set of CART – Cards Against Romance Tropes – is Christine! Congrats and enjoy – and thank you all for a very funny discussion!
“Cupping globes” or cupping anything. Or “globes” period. It gets an eyeroll.
“Pillowy lips.” I’ve seen that in two different books recently–makes me think somebody is having a minor allergic reaction to something they ate and needs Benadryl…
His “yard” … my eyes were watering & my ladygarden(!) was clenching & SO not in a good way when I read that !
I once read “she frogged her legs apart”. Immediately imagined the heroine with skinny green legs and webbed toes.
Also, “she tasted of tart apples and some elusive spice”. Was she hiding a pie down there?
Oh, and another heroine had a “kernel” between her legs. It made me want popcorn.
FIST!! As in: “diety, you’re tight as a fist!”. How has no one mentioned this? Ut makes my eyes cross. Also, always feel a little dirty eating a plum, thank you Sandra Brown.
Woman dew or nectar; nipples like ripe berries
This is pretty Old Skool and not used much today but I always hated the “traitorous body” phrase and trope. As in, “he kissed her and her traitorous body responded even though he was nothing but a two-bit outlaw.”
Please, for the love of God, no “slurping” of any kind. None. No. I have been known to stop reading a book because of that word. Makes me shudder…
I think I’ve seen “soul of her pussy” which… @_@
And I kind of like “honey”! Only in reference to how a gal’s lubrication feels, though, coz it’s certainly not how it tastes.
I see a lot of erections-still-in-pants being described as “ridges”, but it’s so apt… I dunno.
breeding organs
I love Grace Burrowes’ books, but she used the term “breeding organs” one too many times in The Duke’s Disaster, although it was in character with the hero.
Don’t like like “burning” or “flaming” either. Reminds me of a bad experience with a birth control product back in college.
feminine channel
or any analogy which equates the vagina with duct work.
Along the lines of boobs as fruit – any sort of ‘weighing of breasts’. It just makes me think of a creepy guy in the produce section. Also, descriptions of orgasm that include kaleidoscopes or anything celestial. And anything that is ‘painfully erect’.
I have to agree with ‘quivering’ as well!
“Mushroom.” Whenever the head of a penis is compared to a mushroom, I’m off mushrooms for a week for fear of inappropriate giggling at the supper table and lack of a child-friendly explanation for the giggling.
[…] Reader Assistance Request: Bad Sex Bingo – Smart Bitches, Trashy Books. […]
‘his nipples like two pennies’. Or coins of any denomination. Just makes me want to try jamming them in a parking meter.
“Dripping” there have been several contemporary romances where I was just like, “buy panty liners already!”
I am in fits. I second all the comments on dripping and weeping – I recently came across “her weeping sex” in a book a while back – and just wanted the heroine to get herself to a doctor to deal with that. Also oozing, dripping, sodden.
Manroot. Anything involving comparing lady areas to gardens. Or roses. Or flowers and petals in general.
*shudder*
Tangent: @Danie has reminded me of the anal sex movie game from one of India Knight’s novels (Don’t You Want Me? I think) where the heroine has a game about movie titles that sound like they’re about anal sex. Like Deep Impact. And Unlawful Entry. And Backdraft. My sister and I cried with laughter over that part of the book. And we still add new ones to the list!
Tangent 2: @Jenny and all the other mushroom haters – I got in trouble with my boyfriend on a recent walk through a market for suggesting that white asparagus looked like… well you know… but drained of blood..
Warm, welcoming cave. Although yes, there are worse descriptors. Also, anything that’s weeping or oozing probably needs medical attention, and that’s not sexy!
There are so many suggestions I absolutely agree with!
The one that gets me, though, is “mating tongues”. It’s just…ugh. I picture a whole micro-copulation going on in there with dedicated tongue genitalia coming out to play.
Thank you. My employer also thanks you. Not. This Monday is a total loss, I’m sad to say.
glistening–ya know, like slug slime…
tingles–as in just looked at him and felt tingles between her legs. They have meds for that, honey.
plunge–over and over. . . like unclogging a toilet.
shattered, flew apart–orgasm as death
went up and over, crested–orgasm as surfing (cue Wipe out)
pencil erasers–yup, it’s those male nipples
Gotta say, a lot of this would be ok read just once, but the way some writers glom onto a word like ruched. . .
Wedge–Lora Leigh uses this lot
Apex
Nether anything: nether hair, nether lips, nether hole etc
MMaiden hair—I’ve seen it mostly in historicals
Champagne nipples–I’m probably saying/using it wrong but if anyone has read Sandra Hill’s Cajun series they will know what I am aiming for
Up turned nipples, like a dessert with a cherry on top
Puffy–puffy nether lips puffy nipples etc makes me think that something is inflamed
@Jenny:
When I hear mushroom I usually think of a mushroom stamp and that totally will kill the “mood” because I want to giggle. Yes, it is childish and immature, but I can’t help it that I spent my 20s in the gamer community and it is full of immature guys…. Sometimes when I am reading the word “penis” I want to giggle too
What about “shaft of iron” or “iron hard” or variations there of? Dare ignore “hot ropes of (you fill in the words here) erupted/shot/spewed/??? into (again, pick your favorite words)”? And of course, anything that shoots/spurts/??? into the air 3 feet or more is an interesting concept – but only with a squirt gun. Oh, could that be a term, also? Or “silken folds” or anything that clamps on anything.
At any rate, great idea you have here. Indeed, there are some pretty lame (to be polite) and overworked phrases that bring interesting images to mind.
Have fun!
Woot for Cards Against Romance Tropes! We had so much fun creating the cards for #CART and love that others will get a chanve to experience the pain (seriously your abs will get a giggle workout) that is this game. And so many of the suggestions on this thread popped up (pun totally intended) as potential answers.
Once book where the sex scenes really stood out in a negative way involved a whole lot of gushing wetness and leaks and squirts and a heroine who was a lube machine. The book was reviewed here on SB a looong time ago, and has some memorable lines, including: ” it’s all about as erotic as playing with an Erector Set amidst the wreckage of Thanksgiving dinner.” http://smartbitchestrashybooks.com/reviews/bound-to-please-by-hope-tarr-test-driver-review/
Here are some for anal sex: rosette, pucker, backdoor, and walnut (aka the prostate)
There are others, but these really stick out for me.
God, it is a wonder we are all such fans of this genre, given the almost inexhaustible supply of abysmal, cringe worthy descriptions!!
My contribution is “her womb clenched”. I think this is meant to convey arousal. But I just can’t envisage anything other than menstrual cramps or labour pains.
Nipples poking out like pencil erasers is shudderworthy. However, references to headlights just make me laugh.
“Clenching”. Usually it’s “clenching womb”. A world of no. If your womb is clenching, you probably need to see a doctor.
Oh and that spot inside that “no man has ever touched before”.
I just read “milking his cock” and “the sensitive apex of her cove” in one scene…. Kinda ruins the mood thinking about cows on beaches.
Wonderful stuff!
I’m seconding and/or proposing:
* “his male nipples”
* orgasms like “shattering into tiny pieces”
* “globes” or “orbs” for breasts
* “ruched” nipples
* invoking the womb or (ouch) cervix when only the vagina/vulva is really involved
* “his chute” for gay sex scenes, ugh
I know there are more, if only I could bring them to mind!
Does the “Her X was too Y for conventional beauty…” count for this post? Because if I read that one more time my Kindle is going to be too shattered for conventional reading.
“Lavender”
This is actually more from a certain infamous fanfic than a romance novel, but I am physically incapable of tolerating that color in anything, especially sex scenes. NOTHING ON THE BODY SHOULD BE LAVENDER, YOU GUYS.
I also recommend Lisa Valdez as a masterwork in cringe worthy sex scenes. “Passion” would’ve been a good book, if only she’d left out the sex. She’s one of my few official autopasses.
You’ve all covered the ones that make me cringe! Puffy nipples, man nipples like pennies, cream, juices… Blech.
I’ve read so many of the words listed in these comments, I couldn’t stop nodding. My least favorite bad sex words are “quivering mass” or “quivering” anything. I’m not fond of “sheath” or the overuse of “soft curls” for pubic hair (that is often not soft at all!)
“quivering reminds me of jello not sexy times …and the word moist reminds me of duncan hines cake mix commercials for some reason.
OMG you guys, my eyes are *weeping*!!! LMAO, I have read everyone of these lines as well, some so cringe worthy I can’t finish the book, other so funny I have to see what’s next.
I love (hate) anything weeping as well. I could really use less of :
nipples like ripe fruit, just waiting to be plucked and laved (just makes me want to eat raspberries for some reason)
Velvet covered steel
lady nub
she tasted like strawberries and honey – NO IT DOESN’T
He tasted like leather and man – maybe a dip in the loch is needed
Her sex/his sex – really…. come on
Any and all slanting of mouths and tangling of tongues – I just can’t
Pretty much everything already covered…but one more pet peeve… all the virgins who have multiple orgasms (flying into space of course) not only that but all seem to time them perfectly with their man! haha
Oh, and nothing should PUCKER….
If no one beat me to it, any blend of liquid terms + botanical terms to describe all or parts of a vagina: “moist petals,” “humid blossom,” etc. (This may be waived for any fanfic featuring the Batman villain Poison Ivy.)
This is undeniably once of the best posts and comment threads ever! I’m gushing with laughter. I’m a veritable fountain of mirth. How do we all love these books and those dirty, dirty scenes so much when they’re pouting with such puckered metaphors? These poor authors are trying to satisfy us and here we are, mocking their efforts.
I agree with all of the comments and with the general awfulness of sex scene euphamisms. That said, can you imagine reading a dark passage (tee hee) where “he put his average-sized penis in her adequately lubricated vagina”? Not great. Not great at all.
After years of lurking, this post has finally pushed me to comment…
“Impossibly” pretty much anything gets my (non-) vote–“impossibly” hard, aroused, wet, handsome, blue, etc.