Awhile back, I had an advice column here wherein I answered letters asking for help with the wisdom accrued from much romance reading. Heroines, I think, and heroes, too, can teach readers a number of things, even if by bad example. Before the idea became my second book, the advice column explored healthy and unhealthy relationships and gave us a space to discuss different situations.
The collective intelligence and empathy of the romance readership is not to be underestimated, and I’m hoping you might have some advice to share with SciFiGirl. Here is her letter – trigger warning for discussions of abusive relationships:
Dear Sarah,
I was trying to figure out what to do and then I remembered that you used to do an advice column on the blog, so I’m hoping you can help me out. One of my friends is in trouble. She’s involved in a toxic relationship and everyone can see it–everyone except her, of course. She’s only been with this guy for a little over a month and they’ve already done the whole Ross and Rachel thing half a dozen times.
If it was just this, I wouldn’t be so concerned. This guy seems to be a total sociopath. He gets jealous at the drop of a hat and has told her that she needs to delete any facebook pictures in which she is hanging out with other guys. Recently, she’s started feeling guilty if she even talks to another guy–her boss included. He’s also told her that she can’t wear the types of clothes that she likes because she’s no longer “available” (because of course girls only dress a certain way when they’re trying to trap a guy). For what its worth, my friend did tell him that he had no say in how she dresses. Unfortunately, I have noticed her wearing less “sexy” clothes in the time since then, so I don’t know if she was just blowing wind up my skirt or if she’s doing it unconsciously.
What scares me the most is that she has been in these types of relationships before–not that she’s ever come out and unequivocally said so, but she’s mentioned things like “If a guy ever lays a hand on me again, I’m out the door,” and on one memorable occasion she showed up at work with bruises she claimed she got after jumping out of her date’s car the night before. I feel like she’s the type of person who needs to be in a relationship to feel whole. In the months that I’ve known her, she has never been single. She goes from one boyfriend to another and if she’s not with someone she’s on tinder looking for someone new. She’s actually told me that she isn’t at the right place in her life now that she’s thirty. I think she feels as if she needs to be on some specific path and doesn’t realize that things just don’t work that way.
Her friends and I have all told her that she needs to get out before things get worse (I’ve even told her that she’s going to end up as a story on Dateline five years from now), but nothing seems to work.
I’d like the advice of the Bitchery. There are so many different people among us and I’d like as much input as possible. What should we do? What would the best friend/sidekick do?
SciFiGirl1986
Sarah: First, thank you for writing to ask for help. While none of us are domestic violence counselors (though Carrie did work in a shelter for awhile), all of us have encountered abusive relationships. The fact that you’re reaching out for help makes you a good friend, and that’s important to recognize. You care enough to ask for help because you don’t know the answer, and that’s a brave and important thing to do. Thank you for being that friend.
Unfortunately, there is no one magic answer. I wish there were. In fact, Carrie wrote in our discussion of your letter, “One reason I left shelter work is that it was so frustrating NOT to have that one magic thing to say.”
But as difficult as this situation is for her and for you, several of us here have advice to share and we hope we can help a little.
Carrie: That is such a hard situation, and it sounds like you are already doing most of what you can do. The best advice I can think of to offer is this:
1. Label the abuse as abuse. Our culture fixates on physical abuse but the other forms are often much more toxic. Abusers focus a lot on jealousy because they want total control over the person they are abusing. This wheel diagram has a lot of examples of control that abusers try to keep over the person they are abusing.
2. Let her know what resources are in her area. If she doesn’t want to talk, pick up or print out a brochure or business card for a local hotline or support group and leave it lying around so that she can always “accidentally” pick it up. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233. They can be a good resource for you, too. Your local shelter or advocacy organization might be able to help you set up an intervention and can certainly give you more concrete advice than I can.
3. Let your friend know that you love her and are here for her. But also understand that it’s OK to protect yourself. If you find that this situation puts you in danger because the boyfriend is angry with you, or if you find that your friend’s refusal to get help makes the time you spend with her draining and harmful to your emotional health, it’s OK to step away. If you want to stay supportive but establish some boundaries you can say something like, “I care about you and watching you in a relationship that hurts you is very hard for me. If you need help leaving so and so, I am always here for you. But I don’t want to spend time with you while you are in this relationship because it is hurting me to see this happen to you.”
When I talk about creating boundaries for yourself, that’s something you can do to take care of yourself if you need to, not a strategy or an ultimatum for controlling your friend. It’s normal and common for a person who is being abused to not want to leave or to leave and go back many times.
Your friend is so lucky to have friends who see abuse for what it is and who show concern for her. You guys are giving her a much needed reality check. Ultimately she will have to make decisions on her own and that can be a painful thing to watch. I am holding you and your friend in my heart.
Elyse:Â I had a friend who was in a relationship with a very controlling man that many of us suspected was abusive. He had to know where she was at all times, would constantly check up on her, and would demand that she drop whatever she was doing to help him with his child or work at the business he owned—for no pay of course.
He was verbally abusive and I also suspected physical abuse.
Eventually her friends and family held an intervention. They sat down and told her that they loved her, they saw that she wasn’t happy, and that his behavior wasn’t normal. There were men as well as women there–men she trusted and whose opinion mattered to her, like her brother in law.
Her boyfriend would say things like “I act this way because I love you so much” or “I get jealous because you’re so beautiful” and it helped to have the guys there to say “No, that’s not normal and that’s not how relationships work”
She eventually left him but it was a process, and he stalked her for awhile.
This is a rough situation to be in as a friend, and I feel for you.
Amanda:Â So my experience is a little different. Instead, I was the one in an abusive relationship and only about two people knew about it. My parents were not amongst those two people.
The biggest thing I personally struggled with was labeling it as abuse. It was mostly verbal, emotional, financial, and it only was physical once. I was definitely in denial about it. I think of myself as a smart girl. Somewhat confident. Surely an abusive relationship would never happen to me!
It was a real wake up call when I had to stay with a friend. My ex was famous for sleep-deprivation. He’d stay up all night playing video games while I slept because I had class. I had a rule that if it was past 3 in the morning, he had to sleep on the couch because I’m a light sleeper and I wasn’t going to wake up every night when he finally decided to roll into bed. Locking him out of the bedroom when he didn’t adhere to the rule only made it worse. He’d bang on the door for hours. If he got in, he’d push me out of bed or be sure I was woken up. But anyway, I just desperately needed some sleep and some peace and quiet, so I left for a couple days. Had a friend come get me and drop me back off.
The relationship lasted for about a year. His parents knew he needed help, so when our lease ran out, they had him move back in with them. Thank goodness. He tried contacting me a month or so ago, wanting my number. I asked why. And he said it was because he missed me. I never responded to him. I still don’t think he fully realizes how he treated me. When I’d say he was abusive, he’d just laugh at me because if he wasn’t physically abusing me, anything else he did didn’t count.
But that’s my story. Denial was a big part of why it lasted for so long. Same with finances. We split rent on a joint lease. So I was definitely worried that if I left or vice versa, it’d leave me in a really in a tough spot financially. It’s possible that she’s not ready to fully admit the situation is in and as the others have mentioned, you can’t force someone’s hand with help. They have to acknowledge they want it and they’re ready for it.
Sarah: It is so difficult to recognize someone else’s pattern of behavior, to see how it’s hurting them or hurting someone else, and to know that it’s difficult or impossible for them to alter it. So as I said, the fact that you’re asking for help is important.
To answer your question as to what the best friend or sidekick would do: she’d listen. Listening is probably the most powerful thing you can do, because likely, if she’s trying to set limits with him and those limits are not being respected, she may be angry, frustrated, or confused, and would probably welcome the opportunity to talk without hearing judgment or condemnation.
If you do talk, to echo what Carrie said, focus on the behavior, his behavior specifically, and not hers. If your instincts are correct, and it sounds like they may be, he’s probably already undermining her confidence, so to address the problem by focusing on her behavior or response doesn’t help the situation. If she’s already angry at him – and it sounds from your letter like she may be – having you get angry at her, or issue dire warnings about how her story may end up on the news, for example, may only make the situation more difficult for you both, and may make it less likely for her to confide in you.
Leading with the idea that you care about her safety, and discussing examples of the behavior that you see as unsafe sends a different message. And as Elyse suggested, if you know any men who can echo that her boyfriend’s behavior isn’t safe or caring, it may help for her to hear from them, too, if such a conversation is possible.
But, as everyone has said, you can’t force someone to get help. That’s just as controlling, You can be there as a friend, you can listen, and you can make sure she knows that help is available from many different resources. In addition to the ones mentioned, I also want to pass along this link about dating abuse, and this link about internet security, because abusers often monitor internet connections, social media, and email accounts as part of their controlling behavior. You mentioned he monitors her Facebook photos; he may also be watching her online elsewhere, too.
If you listen to her when she wants to talk, and if you continue to focus on his behavior and her safety in that relationship, she may hear more clearly that she’s in a dangerous situation. I hope she hears you, and I hope she gets out.
Do you have any advice for SciFiGirl? Do you have any resources to recommend?
(Please note: if you wish to comment anonymously, please feel free, but don’t use your actual email address, as it may cause an identifying avatar to appear next to your comment.)
ETA: 6 May 2015:Â I received this information about a domestic violence resource that’s part of Verizon:Â HopeLine is a program that connects survivors of domestic violence to vital resources, funds organizations nationwide and protects the environment. To date, they have collected over 10 million phones nationwide, while donating over $20 million dollars to domestic violence organizations. A great explanation of the program can be found here: http://www.verizonwireless.
It’s a major red flag that your friend explained bruises as jumping out of a car, specifically Mr. Controller’s car. It’s not good if she felt risking her life was her best option. It’s even worse if that was a better explanation then the truth.
One of the best things you can do is keep a record of incidents (including dates or time frames), even if it’s just hearsay. It might be useful if this relationship ends up in the legal system.
Fair warning: the idea that she can’t even talk to her boss might be a prelude to forcing her out of the workforce so that she becomes financially dependent on him. More than a few people admitted staying in a toxic or dangerous relationship because they couldn’t afford to fend for themselves.
I’m with Carrie that the first thing you need to do is protect yourself. Try not to get too involved. And be aware that while this woman is still seeing this man anything you say to her can and may very well be passed on to him: she can’t protect herself from this man and that means she can’t protect you or any of your other colleagues either.
It’s pretty clear that this man is grooming your colleague into what he thinks he wants, that there will be no good outcome as long as they are “together”, and that things may already be getting to the stage where leaving the relationship could be dangerous (typically victims hide or downplay the extent of the abuse they suffer while they are undergoing it, so what you have seen and suspected may be rather less than has already happened).
An explanation I heard regarding some abusers is that they feel personally inadequate so in order to feel better about themselves they look to have someone else who is subordinate to them. But having someone subordinate to them in fact makes them feel worse about themselves because they perceive themselves as not having attracted a “worthy” mate, which just reinforces the cycle. Then if that “not worthy” mate tries to leave it is seen as a devastating blow to the ego and the reaction can be the sort of extreme violence which is what makes leaving a violent relationship so very dangerous.
Take care.
I think one of the most important things to remember as the friend of the abused party is not to get frustrated. Not that this person is, just that it’s something I’ve seen happen before. Being the victim is an abusive relationship is complicated… we all like to think we’d kick the other person’s ass on the way out the door at the first sign of abuse, but emotions complicate and confuse everything, and even people you think are “too smart” to stay in an abusive relationship can do so because it isn’t about being smart. Imagine being with someone you love, and the shock, betrayal, and confusion you’d feel when that relationship turns sour. When that happens, it’s easy to get frustrated without meaning to… after all, you’re giving your friend all this great, sound, obvious advice, you’re saying the right things, so why isn’t she already out the door? It’s hard to remember that without being in that situation ourselves, that EXACT situation because every person is different, you have no way of knowing the cocktail of conflicting emotions, depression, self-deprecation, and more your friend is experiencing, and the very last thing she needs is someone she loves and trusts getting upset with her about the way she feels. All you can really do is be there for her, and make sure she knows you are, and never give up on her even if there are days when you want to shake her because suddenly she’s making excuses again.
Friends in abusive relationships need patience, love, and yes, if necessary, the willingness to be the one to call someone in if things are getting seriously dangerous… even if that means that friend never speaks to you again. You do have to know when someone just ISN’T ever going to get help or leave, and if they’re in serious danger, sometimes you may need to be the one to call someone else… but be prepared that involving a third party, be it the police or anyone else, is only as useful as your friend is willing to let it be. Dealing with an abusive relationship, both as the victim and as the friend of one, is never easy, and it’s rarely as simple as “Just dump their ass!” Just remember that any sort of judgement is not what a victim needs, no matter what has happened to them or how many times you “told them so”. Be there for her, be strong when she needs you to, and that’s what’s worth more than a million tough love speeches and pieces of advice.
I’m a domestic violence prosecutor, and unfortunately in my work I see *so* much of what SciFiGirl is talking about: not only the abusive power dynamic, but victims going from one abusive relationship to another. We had a judge who likes to say that women like that have “bad pickers,” but of course that’s too simplistic and puts the blame on the victim. Carrie’s advice is right on. You can be a resource for your friend, and give her perspective and advice and offer help, but you can’t make her listen and take it if she’s not ready to break the cycle, and it’s okay (and smart!) for you to set limits to protect your safety and emotional health. The victim advocate who works with me on the DV cases I prosecute always says when we meet with victims that we’re “planting seeds” — she may not be ready to listen to us, but if we’re honest and respectful and provide good information, our words may sink in and take root. They may lie dormant for a long time, and we may have to dismiss our pending case because she’s not ready to cooperate, but if violence happens again (sadly, *when* it happens again, because it always does), she’ll remember what we said, and hopefully be more ready to work with us and break the cycle of violence next time.
One thing I’d be cautious about is calling it abuse outright to your friend. The thing is, she is still in the relationship and invested in it, and if you call it what it is, you risk alienating her – if she feels you are attacking her boyfriend, she may feel that she has to defend him, and that you are the enemy. This both limits your ability to help her, and makes it harder for her to recognise what is going on, as it increases her investment in the idea that everything is OK. Listening and being there for her make you an easy person for her to deal with, and also make it harder for her boyfriend to object to you on the grounds that you are turning her against him.
A few years ago, a friend of mine was in an emotionally abusive relationship and living overseas with her boyfriend. I didn’t really like what I was hearing about him, but I also didn’t know him well, so my tactic was to ask my friend, often, what was good about the relationship. I told her that if she loved her boyfriend, then I wanted to like him too, and wanted to hear why he was wonderful and what he was doing that made her happy. Which was a trifle manipulative, but also true – if he really was a lovely person and they were just having a bad patch, I didn’t want to build a grudge against him.
The sneaky manipulative part of this, of course, is that it meant my friend kept having to examine the relationship and try to see what was good about it – and so she could see for herself when there was less and less to make up for the bad stuff without me having to point it out to her…
She got out. And we’re still close, and that question still gets asked between us from time to time – it’s a good barometer, and if, in fact, the relationship is good underneath any current problems, it’s quite useful for reminding oneself of why one is still there.
Catherine
I worked briefly at a domestic violence shelter and Carrie’s advice is spot-on. I also agree with the comment that sometimes we need to “plant seeds”. Even when it doesn’t produce immediate results, it may help grow the knowledge that it’s not her fault, and she can (and should) exit the relationship.
Good luck. Sadly, it’s all too common a tale.
I had a relative who was in an abusive relationship. Coincidentally, I had just taken a forty hour course to answer a dv hotline as a volunteer when she started telling me things. (BTW, sorry in advance that I use he as abuser and she as the partner, I know that there are other types of abusive relationships, but these are the only types that I personally interacted as a volunteer and also I can’t figure out how to use nonjudgmental language and put two pronouns for each side of it without getting super confusing and also those pronouns describe this relationship). One of the things that I took away from the course was that the abuser would be telling his partner that she was stupid, that she made bad choices, etc. I did not want to do that. What I did (and it was SO hard) was reflect back the things she told me. For example, “So he threw the water bottle at you and it broke on the wall behind your head?” She added, “He was just really mad.” “He was just really mad and he threw the water bottle at you and it broke on the wall behind your head?” I would remind her that she was smart and she deserved happiness and that I would never judge her. If she defended him, “He’s going through a hard time.” I would just reflect it back at her, “He’s having a hard time.” and maybe I would ask her, “Are you having a hard time?” That tactic did get her to confide more than she did in others (which I still can’t believe worked). I finally, at the advice of my girlfriend, bought her a book on domestic violence that listed all of the different types of control that abusers exert. (One of her friends told her that her relationship was abusive. Instead of agreeing or disagreeing, I told her that this was a book that had been recommended in the training I took, and if she read it she could decide what her relationship was for herself.) She read it, she drew her conclusions, and she made her choices. She would sometimes read sections to me out loud in a tone of total shock and say, “That’s me. Sometimes all I want to do is sleep and he’ll keep me up to have sex and I’m just so tired. Did you know that can be a form of abuse?”
It was a hard time for her. As her confidant it was also a hard time for me. I was terrified what he might do, I was terrified that he might kill her or she would never leave. I was terrified, but I didn’t want to be another voice questioning her judgement so I forced myself not to tell her what to do. In this particular case, that tactic seemed to work. I have no idea if it would have worked at a different time in the relationship or with a different person or if she would have left no matter what, but I’m grateful it worked.
It’s good that your friend has someone like you. It’s bad that your friend has someone like him. But in the end, she will have to make some tough choices because while it is possible to love someone who is an abuser, it is not healthy. Not healthy in the sense that it can really hurt you. You’ve gotten lots of good advice in the column above and the comments from other posters. I’m sure you will be helpful to your friend. And, from experience, I think this will be a really challenging time for you.
SciFiGirl, this is a horrible situation and I feel terrible for you, your friend, and other people in your circle.
I agree with Catherine that I might not call it abuse to your friend not because it isn’t but because your friend may respond by defending him and then not talking to you about it ever again–which is counterproductive. The last thing you want right now is for her to become alienated or isolated more than she is now. But also, calling it abuse if that isn’t the label she’s using takes more power away from her. A phrase that can be really helpful is, “When you tell me X [that he doesn’t want you talking to other men, wants to shape your wardrobe, etc.], I worry for you.”
The main thing I would want to do now is keep the lines of the communication open: listen non-judgmentally and let her know that she has your unconditional support. If things escalate (and if she stays, they probably will) to let her know about resources in the area and/or to do some safety planning. It doesn’t sound like she lives with him, but making sure she has somewhere to go, a bag packed, and if necessary, to do a pre-screen at a shelter (because many require this).
And finally, as others have said, this could potentially be dangerous for you and others in your circle. And in any event, it’s heavy and frightening for you and you need to do self-care as well.
SciFiGirl: First, let me say that your friend has a wonderful friend in you. I spent 7 years volunteering in domestic violence shelters, from working the crisis hotline to working in the shelter to being one of the people who went to hospitals/jails after a domestic violence incident with the police. I’m a psychologist now.
I think there are two key things you want to remember: (1) a key strategy of domestic violence abusers is to socially isolate their victims as much as they can, and (2) the most dangerous time for someone in a DV relationship is right after leaving the relationship.
I’m making the first point so you will understand the advice I’m about to give you, which is: do everything you can to maintain your relationship with your friend, even if that means backing off a bit on trying to show her how abusive he is.
It’s important for you to share your concerns and try to educate your friend as much as possible, but if you keep doing this and she gets defensive/refuses to listen (and it can be a loooong process for someone to extricate herself from an abusive relationship), then a natural reaction on your part is to decide “I can’t deal with this anymore” and distance yourself from your friend. Others will do this; I can pretty much guarantee it.
So while of course you *need* to take care of yourself, of course, if you make it your “goal” to try to persuade your friend that she’s in an abusive relationship, this is likely going to put considerable strain on your relationship.
Share your concerns, educate whenever you can, but most importantly of all, try your best to maintain the friendship. Don’t let all of your conversations be about the DV relationship. Just try to be friends and remember that, ultimately, THE best way you can help your friend is to remain her friend, even if you want to scream in frustration at times. It’ll make it much easier for your friend to feel comfortable coming to you if/when she wants help.
One of the most common obstacles to leaving a domestic violence relationship is that the survivor’s social network has virtually evaporated. It’s hard to go to old friends/family members who spent months/years telling you to leave a relationship and admit that they were right, even if it’s true and even if the people have told the survivor that they’ll be available once she leaves the abuser.
I made the second point (about it being most dangerous after someone decides to leave) both for your information and to point out that it’s unlikely you’ll be in danger maintaining the relationship with your friend. Abusers usually aren’t that brave with others unless they have a history of physical aggression in general (e.g., get into a lot of bar fights, arrests for assault, etc). I absolutely advocate taking care of yourself, of course, but know that the physical risk to you is minimal in maintaining a relationship with you friend.
The risk increases significantly if your friend decides to leave, however. Abusers often get desperate at the threat of abandonment, so your friend’s risk increases right after leaving, and if anyone else is seen as being the cause of that person leaving, the abuser could target that person as well. Again, this is especially likely if the abuser has a history of physical violence, owns weapons, etc.
I hope your friend is able to hear what you and, I’m sure, others are telling her and ends this relationship soon, but do know that it can take a Very Long Time. I hope your friendship is able to maintain intact.
A possible book recommendation for your friend. I know several other women who have really benefited from it.
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
by Melody Beattie
I don’t have a concrete example to offer, but I’m sure someone here could help–give your friend a novel with an abusive relationship in it. Sometimes it’s easier to understand something when it’s presented to you as fiction and sucks you in. (For example, Behaving Like Adults, by Anna Maxted, was about date rape, and following along as the main character worked through her feelings about if it was her fault was much more complicated than I would have thought before I picked the book up.)
And since part of the abuse is running her down, try to make a point of reminding her of things she’s good at. I mean, don’t make things up, or be creepy, but I’m sure there’s things she’s done or said that you appreciated at the time and didn’t say anything about, or ask her for advice about something you know she’s familiar with, or (since you mentioned her clothing choices being curtailed), remind her of a cute outfit or top or such that she owns.
What Heidi said about “planting the seed” and being non-judgemental is dead on. When I worked at Legal Aid, about 50% of my caseload was DV because my office prioritized talking to anyone who we thought might be in a dangerous situation.
When I first started, I would feel frustrated that so many of my clients would talk to me once and not show up again, or, after we’d filed for a restraining order, turn around and drop it without telling me. Once I’d educated myself, I understood that for most people, leaving an abusive relationship takes a lot of false starts. But they aren’t really false because each time, that person gets a little closer to breaking free. I found that if I stayed empathetic and did my best not to, as my boss would say, substitute my judgment for theirs, then chances were good that the next time they tried to leave, they’d come see us again.
However, even if someone wasn’t ready to leave their abusive relationship, I made sure to talk to them about safety planning. It’s so important. It involves things like having a bag ready with things like your Social Security card/ birth certificate/ other documents, money, a cell phone. Knowing how to lock down your social media accounts/ email/ etc. Things get exponentially more complicated if there are children or pets involved, too. Your local DV resource/ woman’s shelter usually can help with safety planning.
TL;DR It might take a lot of tries to leave, but if you don’t judge, your friend will trust you to help her when she’s ready. Also, safety planning.
Is it wholly wrong of me to draw a distinction between someone who has wound up in an abusive relationship, and someone who makes a pattern of it? I know that it could happen to anyone, I don’t condone blaming the victim, I think it’s vital to be supportive, and I have made it a rule never to judge other people’s relationships – certainly not out loud. But. I have had friends who crave the drama and the trauma, who need and respond to the pattern of abuse to such an extent and so consistently that I simply cannot be around it. It’s like a drug addiction. I can’t fix it; it’s not my job to try. There’s sufficient unavoidable bullshit in life.
I’ve lost friends through being too critical of their relationships. I’ve lost friends through keeping my mouth shut. The best solution is the one wherein you have the least with which to reproach yourself if they die.
When I was in my teens I would wade right in there – I got into arguments, physical fights, I barricaded doors, I poured a kettle of boiling water on a guy who was beating my roommate. In my twenties I tried to be less confrontational, more patient and encouraging, always available for frightened 4 AM phone calls and hand holding through court dates. You need to go to the hospital? You need to camp out on my sofa? You need to go back to him? I’m here to help and understand.
Not that we’re dealing with truly statistically significant numbers or samples, but the only hypothesis my experience suggests is that I have zero control of or even bearing on the end result. It has mercifully been decades since I’ve been confronted with this dilemma.
And look, I’m not saying it’s equivalent or anything close to it, but the ability to draw boundaries and be discerning and not make excuses for undesirable behavior is important in friendships, just in general in life, not solely in someone else’s abusive relationship.
Thanks for all of the comments. Since sending the email, my friend’s situation seems to have gotten worse. He actually broke up with her just before Christmas and then came crawling back by New Year’s Eve, so obviously he didn’t want to get her a present. After swearing up and down that she was done with him, she immediately took him back and went on a trip with him for NYE. I’ve also noticed that whenever she posts on social media it is only about loving Jesus when she used to post about a lot of other things in her life. It makes me wonder if he’s keeping track of her posts.
What truly frightens me is that I haven’t heard from her since just after Christmas (we were supposed to go to a karaoke place with a group of our friends, but she cried off at the last minute, saying that she was sick). I have seen her on facebook, but that’s it. I wish I was still at my old company, where she works just to see how she’s doing. No one there will even talk to me because I left them “in their time of need,” so I can’t ask anyone else there if she’s alright. sigh
If she does choose to end it with him, she luckily doesn’t live with him, but rather with her mom and stepdad. They are, however, thinking about getting a house together within the next 6 months, so if she doesn’t get out soon, it will get worse for her.
I do think that he is trying to push her out of the workplace because he has made comments disparaging what we do for a living (we’re both in inside sales and make an hourly wage) despite the fact that her job is better than his and she doesn’t live paycheck to paycheck the way he does. He’s even tried to tell her she can’t buy things for herself because she needs to save her money, using the fact that they want to get a house as an excuse for doing so. It just makes me so mad to see her involved in such an unhealthy relationship.
The sad thing is that I don’t even want to talk to her any more because whenever we do talk all she wants to talk about are the things going wrong in the relationship, putting me in the position of having to tell her how much I don’t like what he’s doing to her. From what I’ve seen of her other friends, they also feel the same way. I just hope that things don’t devolve, even though I know it will. This isn’t the first abusive relationship (not that I’ve used those words with her–I think I have told her it was toxic, though) I’ve seen. Luckily, that one ended when both parties went to separate colleges, hundreds of miles apart. (That relationship was both physically and mentally abusive and several of our teachers got involved in it at various times in high school.)
A really good book about abuse that I recommend is called Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft. It is very readable, it details all different types of abusive behaviours, explains the abusive personality, and myths about abuse. This book was incredibly eye-opening for me when I read it, and it exploded a lot of preconceptions about abuse that I had never even thought to question before because they are just so much a part of our culture. It’s full of real case studies that give the perspectives of both the abusers (who shockingly are usually not sociopaths, but completely aware of what they are doing) and the intimate partners who are subject to their abuse (who usually love their partners and are hoping they will change). I recommend this book to everyone, whether you are or have been in an abusive relationship, or know someone who has, or whatever. I almost guarantee there will be be a passage in the book that will be relevant/useful/interesting to you.
And, I haven’t read it but it sounds like this book might be good too: Helping Her Get Free: A Guide for Families and Friends of Abused Women by Susan Brewster.
From the trenches: if any single one of my friends who saw how my ex treated me had spoken up and said, “Yo. This is abuse. I don’t know what’s happened to him either, but you need to do something and I’m your friend and I’ll help you be okay,” I probably would have left earlier.
Maybe some of my bitterness toward these people — including my parents — is because I’ve heard so many of them say, “Yes, if I saw someone being abusive, I’d speak up.” They never did. They saw what was going on. They never put words to the expressions on their faces, and I needed to hear the words. I needed the validation that what I was experiencing was real. I needed their words to pin me down so I could stop avoiding the reality.
But on the other hand, if I’d left earlier, I probably wouldn’t have found the attorney I did, and I probably would be sharing joint custody with my ex, which would have been disastrous for our kids.
To the point, here, SciFiGirl: call it something. And let her know you’ll stand by her as she gets back on her feet. Those are the two things that kept me in my marriage.
(btw, it was my kids’ teacher who planted the seeds for me. She said I might have to choose between my marriage and my kids and I would get to the point where I couldn’t afford to continue to avoid it. She was oh, so very right.)
Oh, this is hard. So hard and so frustrating.
It may be too late for this at this point, but when my friends were involved in relationships I found problematic, I would try to do two things: focus on my friend and try not to have an agenda.
Focusing on my friend meant asking her about *her*, not about her relationship – what she had done lately, how work was going, how was her family, had anyone celebrated a birthday recently, how were her other friends – just trying to subtly remind her that she was a person in her own right before she met the guy I didn’t like.
Then, when she would start telling me horror stories, I would try to approach it as a fact-finding sort of thing, and encourage to her to talk, as others have mentioned above. “Oh, he threw something at you? And yelled? Wow, that sounds intense. How did you feel about that?”
In my experience (which is by no means universal), there is a part of herself buried under layers of confusion and cultural messages and past experience and pain, and, yes, *love* – and that part knows very well that she’s not happy and that this is scaring her, she just doesn’t think she deserves to be heard. If you’ve never been taught that it’s okay to honor your own decisions, set boundaries, or tell people “No!” doing so can be even scarier than a fist in the face. If she’s been taught that being loved is the most important thing EVER, and that she’s nothing without it, making that change can seem more challenging than climbing Mount Everest with no equipment and no supplies and in her bare feet.
The other thing to remember is that you never know what will encourage the person to turn a corner. When I was starting out my career, we had a young student working in our office – a brilliant, lovely young woman – whose boyfriend was abusive. He even kidnapped her and held her incommunicado for a few days, much to the utter terror of all of us who loved her. He would threaten to kill himself if she left him, and it was just a nightmare.
Well, one day, she had enough. She broke up with him, called the police, and had him taken away. Since he was on the books for kidnapping, he went to jail for a few days, and had to attend training and do community service and so on. As far as I know, she never saw him again.
When I asked her what happened, she said, “I looked at him while he was screaming at me, and I remembered the stuff all of you ladies said (the other women in the office), did I want to spend the rest of my life like this, and I thought, ‘No. I don’t.'”
Sometimes, we CAN make a difference. 🙂
@Still Stalked:
I am so glad that you got out. I hope that you and your children are safe as possible now.
Randomly just read a romance that might be perfect to give your friend. Kat Martin’s Against the Wind features a heroine who…I don’t know how to make spoilers invisible, so if anyone cares about such things (and is reading this) Warning, Here Be Spoilers:
It turns out the heroine, with the help of her internet support group, murdered her abusive husband, gets away with it, and goes on to live happily ever after with a cowboy who loves her so true.
Not too overt, but not exactly subtle, either. Could be a good way to introduce the topic?