One last round up of the most popular pieces of Smart Bitches Trashy Books over the past ten years, and then it’s time for our actual 10th Anniversary in January 2015. Holy crapmonkeys. Ten years!
Many thanks to Morgan Doremus from Miss Media for digging through the archives and coming up with all this fun stuff.
In April, we looked at the most popular reviews for contemporary romance – which were many of those with low grades – D-, F+ or F.
In May, we looked at the most popular historical reviews, all of which were given very high grades.
In June, we looked at more of your favorite reviews, some with high grades, some not, but all with a lot of chortles built in.
In July, we featured an assortment of Wait, What? Book reviews, videos, and more.
In September, we examined some of the most popular pieces of cover snark and cover art contests.
This month, the last retrospective before the anniversary, we have a mix of cover snark, funny stuff, positive reviews, and other pieces of the site that remain among the most visited pages in the archives. Ready?
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Caption That Cover: Penis Swords, Carpet Peen, and a Question: Are They Doing It?
Captioning a particularly excellent piece of cover art, or a piece of the art itself, ahem, is a tradition around here, and these three examples have remained popular since they were originally posted.
First: Penis Sword? Yup, penis sword. Nothing subtle about that weaponry placement, no, sir. So when we asked for captions, you were all very much up to the task.
The winners were chosen by author Alyssa Day, who had a very difficult time choosing just one. Fortunately for her, and for us, she had to pick ten. The winners?
1. Bren for: Taking the world over with his indomitable “Cialis”, from the Greek word meaning “to cleave the waters with a mighty Johnson”.
2. romantic@heart for: Atlantis Unleashed: The Sword Whisperer
3. Carrie Lofty for: The most common complaint among women regarding sex is that their partners rarely devote enough time to swordplay.
4. Lady T For both: “By the power of Grayskull….I HAVE THE POWER!!!” and “Thunder,Thunder,THUNDER CROTCH,HO!”
5. Cathy for: “Atlantis Unleashed: Quest for the Sword of Compensation”
6. CupK8 for: “The ad on Craigslist said ‘Sword Instructor’ …. ”
7. Bonnie Ferguson for: He says to the heroine: “And when they say I have balls of steel, they aren’t kidding.”
8. Erica for: I can see we’re going to need a safety word, big guy.
9. Amly for: “Low Riders Ho Rider: Sunburn Victim Lovin’ (because we must acknowledge the pink)
10. And my favorite of all, Jill Sorenson, for: “Just wanted to say I love the cover and I’d be proud to “brandish” it. Subtlety is lost on me, I suppose, because I don’t think it’s cheesy at all. : )”
Ah, the power of ten powerful peen sword captions.
But that’s not the only captioning going on in the archives. The Carpet Peen Cover has a lot to say for itself – most notably that it’s been updated since our original post, and the cover is just as…turgid.
No matter what color his peen rug is, it’s one memorable cover, yeah? Yeah. So of course we captioned it. It’s an imperative! And the winners and honorable mentions? All brilliant of course. Here are some highlights, starting with the winning caption:
Ann Somerville: “Linus grew up into a fine figure of a man, but he never did manage to get rid of his blanket.”
Deb G: “Crewel Passion” For most of his life, Harold thought his luxurious, multicolored pubic hair was something to be ashamed of. Certainly it had stunted his love life, as he allowed no woman to see his disfigurement. Finally, he could stand it no more – he went in search of a prostitute to slake his thirsts, damn the consequences! Who could have known she was also a knitter of extraordinary talent?”
Maya: “Never go anywhere without your towel.”
Azteclady: “It’s 42 and a towel, not 8 and a rug”
Everstar: “I said I wanted a shag rug, not a shagged rug!”
P. Kirby: “Uh, maybe it’s my crappy screen, but what I see is … a nekkid man playing air guitar with a tattooed alligator.”
(Technically not a caption but I nearly choked when I read that one.)
LoveCow2000: “I think Beau Brummel would recommend a Mathematical or Waterfall.”
And finally, a trend that peaks every now and again (snrk) in cover art: Are they actually doing it? There have been a few covers that made me wonder if actual coitus was going on beneath the folds and ruffles (OF HER SKIRT, GEEZ), but this one was a real puzzler.
Cathy Maxwell’s The Earl Claims His Wife features a stepback where I think there’s actual claiming of stakes, and possibly also panning for gold:
OH SHINY BALLS is THAT an O-face for the ages. And most of the comments agreed, though some questioned the alignment of his pants. Fair enough.
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I didn’t want to miss a chance to highlight three of the more popular reviews over the past 10 years, just in case you’re looking for some reading material.
Sex, Straight Up by Kathleen O’Reilly remains one of the most interesting and memorable Harlequin Blaze novels I’ve read, and it’s been years since I read it.
There are two things you need to know about this book: you like tortured, healing heroes who are genuinely good guys? Go find this book. O’Reilly’s mastery of the incredibly sexy, almost-three-dimensional man continues in this book.
Second, I was unfortunately predisposed to dislike it. I knew that Daniel is a widower whose wife died in the World Trade Center.
I don’t even want to spoil anything for you if you’re curious – it’s worth tracking down a copy if you like heartfelt and poignant romances with powerful conflicts acting against the couple, such as “the entire city of New York will not let Daniel forget his wife.”
I gave this book an A-, and if you find a copy, I’d love to know what you think.
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Her Best Worst Mistake by Sarah Mayberry is also among the most popular in the archives. This book dovetails with another Mayberry novel, Hot Island Nights, to create parallel story lines. Violet, the heroine, is the best friend of Elizabeth, the heroine of Hot Island Nights. When Elizabeth breaks her engagement to Martin, who has never approved of or been particularly kind to Violet, Violet and Martin end up…well, there’s some seriously hot action involving a mango.
That’s all I’m going to say there.
Violet’s character is wonderfully done. She is complex and intricate, and she has made mistakes that she wishes she could change – but knows that the sum of her mistakes make her who she is, and when it matters, she’s pretty sure of herself. Best part about Violet: she owns a boutique called “Violet Femmes,” which I want to shop at. That’s sort of a hazard with some of these Harlequin books by really clever writers. I want to shop at Violet Femmes, I want to wear the stockings described in Sarah Morgan’s book Doukakis’s Apprentice ( A | BN | K | S ) – when the characters’ reality is clever and witty, I’m bummed that it isn’t actually real.
I gave this book an A-, and have re-read it a couple of times since then.
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And lastly, my review of Dear Sister, book 7 in the Sweet Valley High series created by Francine Pascal. I’ve talked about how Sweet Valley High was one of my gateway drugs into romance, particularly because of this book, wherein Elizabeth gets amnesia and goes chasing after Bruce Patman, who thinks this is terrific and totally gets to second base with her. IT SAYS BREAST. IN THE BOOK.
You guys, my teenage heart nearly exploded along with my eyeballs when I read that.
Alas, the book doesn’t hold up to re-reading as an adult, but I still had a great time.
Elizabeth Wakefield lies in a coma because she and her boyfriend Todd got into a motorcycle accident and while he’s fine, she’s non-responsive. There is, of course, no mention of WHY she’s non-responsive, or what injuries she sustained. She’s just in a coma. The story opens with Jessica sitting at her bedside, and the narrator going on for two damn pages about how usually you can’t tell them apart, but now Elizabeth looks like crapola on a crapola-colored cracker, and Jessica looks fabulous as usual. But Elizabeth is DYING do you hear me DYING.
I gave the book a D-, but I still have so much affection for it. BREAST. IT SAYS BREAST. He put his HAND on her BREAST. I can’t tell you how much that blew my mind back in the day.
Coming next mont- our 10th anniversary! Yay! And also WHOA. What are some of your favorite pages on the site? Any links you recommend?
Whatever brought you here, or kept you coming back, we’re glad you’re here. Thanks for being part of Smart Bitches.
Oh God, Sweet Valley High. If I had money, I would PAY MONEY to have you review more of them.
I don’t remember what brought me here, but I’ve been an addict ever since. Love all the features, HaBO is a personal fave!
To Hell with the caption for Book cover number 2! The real question is, “Is that a shadow of his weiner on his stomach? And, oh boy, if it is, that rug makes him VERY happy!
Did anyone else notice the clever placement of the cover model’s thumb on the updated Woven Dreams Tapestries cover? I guess Ellora’s Cave worried that not enough readers would think that was an erection inside that carpet, so they made it look like the tip is protruding. Also, they managed to work in yet another font for an even half dozen.
It was the SVH review that attracted me to your site. I have been here (mostly lurking, sometimes posting) since January 08.
I cannot unsee that Mr Man on the ‘The Earl Claims His Wife’ cover looks just like Reality Bites era Steve Zahn.
And he’s singing My Sharona.
Oh my god, that SVH book had the same lasting impression for me! Every now and then I still reflect that I wish they could have made Liz and Bruce go all the way and have an opposites attract thing happen.
Re Sex Straight Up, I loved it! One of my top 10 contemporary romances.
What brought me to the site was your book, Beyond Heaving Bosoms. I laughed my way though it. OMG! What a book!
@Francine: That’s so awesome – thank you! I’m so glad you’re here!
I adore everything about this site!!! The outlander cowl was what brought me, a combination of my two fave things-reading and knitting! Keep the sarcasm coming ahem ????