Barbie, The Raider, The Washboard, and Me

In 2003, Mattel released Jude Deveraux, The Raider – Barbie® and Ken® Doll Giftset. I don't know why the earth didn't move and alert me to this amazing opportunity, but it is only ten years later that I have been able to see this amazing majesty for myself. 

You guys, I seriously think this doll set answers SO MANY QUESTIONS that I've had about classic romance novel poses. Let's examine each element close up, shall we? Vision impaired readers, I've done my best to describe each image, and I swear I am not making any of this up. 

First, behold the majesty of the official Mattel portrait of these two:

Official portrait of the two dolls out of the box standing on some plastic rocks. They can't stand on their own.

 

They don't look a thing like that in the box. It even says on the page, “Doll cannot stand alone as shown.” I'm not sure which one they mean, but I assume KenAlexander, because he's not letting go of BarbieJessica.

Lest you doubt this is currently in my possession, the box! On my counter!

Barbie and Ken posed in a box with a clear plastic front. Can't miss the action.

 

I was never into Barbies as a kid, but this made both my inner awkward adolescent and my external adult self absolutely giddy. IT IS CRAZY YOU GUYS.

And it has a lot to live up to, because the original cover for The Raider, it is absolute grade A crazysauce: 

The heroine is hanging off the side of the man with her pink dress in a big fan below her and her blonde hair in a big fan above her. he's wearing a mask, and the horse is like WTF you people are weird.

 

I can just picture that cover art meeting:

Dude: “No, her hair needs to be bigger. NO, BIGGER. No, MORE BIGGER.” 
Artist, grumbling: “I'll show you bigger…”
Dude: “PERFECT!” 

I love the horse, too. He's appalled at their lack of knowledge on basic horsemanship: “I am not carrying you weirdos on my neck. Go away.”

Seriously, what's with her hair? Is she underwater? How do you get your hair to even do that? I need to try it. It's like an Elizabethan neck ruff for hair. 

So does the Barbie collector set live up? OH HELL YES.

First: have you ever wondered how the cover model posing as the heroine can maintain these half-fainted, half-boneless positions of swoony submission? 

Get a look at her face: 

A close up of Barbie's face. her pupils are half covered by her eyelids and she looks drugged and slightly crosseyed.

 

The answer is, apparently, quaaludes.

She's heavy lidded, but I don't think it's passion. I think she's high as a kite. A kite on some seriously good drugs, yo. Her pupils are like dinner plates. 

Another close up of her face. Her mouth is open a bit so with the heavy lids which are colored very blue she looks so out of it

 

“Hey, KenAlexander. I wanna tell you….tell you…somethzzzzzzzzzzzz.” So romantic!

The other details are just as amazing. 

Close up of Ken's face with an amazing amount of eye cosmetics and a shaded something on his cheeks meant to suggest stubble or something.

 

I don't even know how one does that with eye makeup. Though, I don't know if he'd remember either, given that he looks like he's on the same stuff as Barbie. 

Then there's the other other makeup:

Close up of Ken's face with some sort of brown shading or schmutz on his face

 

I scratched at it with my fingernail. I tried wiping it with a towel. That is not schmutz or dirt. That is… I don't actually know what that is. I think it's meant to suggest stubble, only romance stubble, which is apparently as smooth as chinchilla bum fur.

In romance, stubble doesn't scratch, it soothes.

I'm telling you, the mysteries of the romance universe are hidden in this box. 

For example, you know that curling tendril of hair that so often tempts the romance hero as he looks at the heroine? How many historical romances have you read that in? Me, probably hundreds. She puts her hair up, except for one curl that rests on her neck, beckoning the hero to gaze upon her décolletage. 

How does one maintain that tempting curl with its tempting, curly perfection?

 

A close up of barbie's hair, in which one long curl is stitched to her armpit

 

By stitching it into her armpit, of course! That sucker ain't moving, either, let me assure you. 

And how do you know this is a legit romance novel Barbie set? The certificate of authenticity? Heck no.

A close up of Ken's shirt, which is open and tucked in of course

 

SHIRT UNDONE BUT STILL TUCKED IN!

Hell to the Yes! 

Pay no attention to Barbie's opportunistic hand, there. 

So let's get a look at what's under the shirt that's undone but still tucked in because accuracy:

 

I'm about to peel his shirt away from his chest

 

HOLD UP. Is that…. is – YES it IS! 

 

double stick tape holding his shirt on to his chest which is ridiculous with the bumps and ridges meant to suggest abdominal muscles

 

DOUBLE STICK TAPE! 
 

So THAT is the secret of the shirt-undone-but-still-tucked-in look! Wardrobe tape! Amazing. 

And speaking of amazing, GET A LOAD OF THOSE ABS. Somewhere there are professional body builders with .02% bodyfat who don't have that level of definition. KenAlexander, he is negative body fat. 

I can't get this particular close up of my own KenAlexander without removing him from the box, so don't miss this picture of his nipples

Also: I love that I just told you not to miss a picture of someone's nipples. Oh romance novel Barbie, don't ever leave me. 

Let's keep exploring the magic, shall we? 

A close up of three fabric flowers at Barbie's waist which have very erect and suggestive stamens

 

What? Those flowers are not the LEAST bit suggestive. Nuh uh. 

 

We don't need any euphemisms that KenAlexander is well-equipped in every way. As the box description assures us,

He is wearing a sheer white cotton shirt and tight black pants accented with a black belt. Black knee high cuffed and buckled boots complete his ruggedly handsome look.

But KenAlexander, being a Ken doll and all, has no actual equipment, per se. But no worries. We have manly hand assurance, too. The size difference between KenAlexander and BarbieJessica's hands is… illuminating. 

Ken's hand is about 10 times larger than Barbie's.

 

Everything about this guy is big. And windswept.

Did I mention it comes with bling, this gift set? IT DOES. BLING IS INCLUDED. 

A read fabric back is screenprinted with the words Jude Deveraux The Raider

 

HOT DAMN. What could it be? My own personal Raider minifigure? With windswept hair and abs like cobblestones?

 

A blurry pic of the charm bracelet

 

A charm bracelet! With… charms that I'm not sure of. Like this one:

A charm bracelet charm that looks like the business end of a waistband snap

 

Is that a candelholder or the business end of a waistband snap? No matter, really. It's Raider Bling! 

I was nearly ready to put the box aside and go out and raid the grocery store with my bling when I noticed how amazing the back of the box is. I might have bought this JUST for the back of the box. Because it's so incredible.

First, Mattel has a very strange idea of what age “adulthood” happens: 

Text on the bottom: For the adult collector, ages 14 and up

 

Adult! Now 14 and over! 

Uh, ok. 

The back of the box with text about the book. PLUS a sample.

 

Dear LORD, is that from the book?! 

 A page from Google Books that shows the text from the back: Alex smiled in the way of a man with superior knowledge. NO LIE.

 

YES IT IS.

Perhaps that is the secret of KenAlexander's beard fuzz: he wears stubble like a man with superior knowledge. 

But wait, there's MORE.

The description reassures the reader that the Barbie is dressed in taffeta, chiffon and jacquard, while Ken is swashbuckling in a sheer white cottong shirt. There are also accouterments.

 

In case you're too lazy to turn the box over and, you know, look, or you like to have all your surprises spoiled, there's a description of what's inside: “Ken is swashbuckling in a sheer white cotton shirt paired with black pants.”

KEN IS SWASHBUCKLING. It's a VERB. 

Ken is swashbuckling like a man with superior knowledge.

Aw, yeah. 

But the best part is the illustration of the dolls inside the box. I wish I could frame it.

The painted illustration on the back of the box is ridiculous in its lack of realism

 

WHAT THE WHAT? Her face is most likely meant to look like a Barbie doll, except it's the creepy version thereof. Egads.

And KenAlexander… oh, dear.

Ken's hair looks like a hedgehog exploded on his head

 

According to the official description, KenAlexander has “long brown windswept hair.” 

That's not windswept. That's “A windy hedgehog exploded on his head.” 

And I'm not sure what that facial expression is meant to convey, but I'm going with “too many beans at the Raider Barbie launch party last night.”

The greatest disappointment, though, is my discovery on the front of the box: 

Barbie Limited Edition Romance Novels Collection on the top of the box

 

That says, “Limited Edition, Romance NOVELS Collection.”

NOVELS. 

Romance NOVELS.

That means PLURAL. MORE THAN ONE. 

Were there more Barbie and Ken romance novel editions planned? Did they not ever make it to market? Are the obscure collectibles in Japan somewhere? WHERE ARE THE OTHER NOVELS?! 

Seriously, I would buy the hell out of them. I bought this one on eBay and it was the best ridiculous eBay purchase I've ever made. I bid on this box so hard, my eBay-addicted father in law probably flinched without knowing why.

SO WHERE ARE THE OTHERS?! Where are the other novels?! 

How can Mattel break my heart this way? Seriously, shouldn't there be more? I think so! 

What novels do you think should receive the Barbie collector's edition treatment? Anita Blake? That'd be a ten-doll collection right there. oh – Derek Craven from Dreaming of You! That would be an amazing Ken doll. He'd have to substitue badassery for the swashbuckling. 

So, which book should be done as a doll set next? Let's pester Mattel until they either run screaming or give us our way.

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Comments are Closed

  1. Lee Rowan says:

    Nothing Mattel ever comes up with is likely to be as good as your review…  What next?

    Well, hell, I’m going for a little shameless self-promotion – I think they should go for m/m and use my characters from Ransom…  except I don’t think either of my heroes would wear that much eyeliner—it’s out of period!

    Erastes’ Standish would work, too – it’s a bit satirical and one of the characters is tall, dark and badass while the other is a wee fragile creature.  But feisty!

  2. Cass Curtis says:

    Well, now I at least know who outbid me. lol j/k I’m sort of sad they didn’t include the horse in the boxed set. 😀 I wonder why Mattel didn’t expand on their romance novels collection. I’d love to see the Black Dagger Brotherhood in tattooed Ken doll perfection. Or Southern Vampire mysteries set, complete with Sam, Bill, Eric, and Alcide. 😀 They could throw in a plastic collie for Sam. Thanks for the morning chuckle, Sarah. It was much needed.

  3. Krista says:

    1. I definitely prefer his eye make-up look 🙂
    2. I would love to see a Derek Craven doll!
    3. Come on and feel him up! What’s his junk look like?

  4. VandyJ says:

    Hmm, Johanna Lindsey’s couples just scream for this sort of treatment—imagine a Ken/Fabio with Barbie.  That would be worth it.

  5. Jessi Gage says:

    Congrats on your awesome ebay purchase! Thanks for sharing it so thoroughly and humorously! Love the post!

    If Mattel doesn’t make a Ken/Barbie for MacKayla Lane and Jericho Barrons (Karen Marie Moning’s Fever series), it would be a travesty of the worst kind.

  6. Kate Pearce says:

    I WANT this so badly…
    I have my own Ferrari Barbie (still in box) complete with red leather jacket and car keys.
    My favorite post of the year!!!

  7. Tammy J. Palmer says:

    Nothing like starting the day off with a good laugh. Great post. Thanks.

  8. Liz says:

    I’m sure someone would shoot me for this (and they probably couldn’t put an excerpt on the back as she plagiarized from so many people), but I would love to see Barbie/Ken Cassie Edwards dolls, complete with either chest binder or powder to die Barbie’s hair black to match whichever stereotype she’s going for.

    In all seriousness, I would love a Barbie/Ken version of Eve and Roarke, but then Barbie would have to be nearly flat chested and have to lose the curves.  I don’t think Matel would be willing to do that.

    As a kid, I loved Barbies.  I had a ton of them, including teacher barbie, Baywatch Barbie (with Dolphin), and Italian Barbie (who never left her box).

  9. Beth says:

    Mac/Barbie   Barrons/Ken
    SIGN ME UP!

  10. kkw says:

    A Could the charm be a hat?
    B Barbie has definitely always been on quaaludes
    C I want a Mattel version of (pause while I look up names) phoebe and dan from SEP’s It had to be you, complete with poodle. The only Barbie more stacked than Barbie. Actually, fuck Dan, Ken would be a better gay Hungarian best friend
    D Don’t mock the wardrobe tape. Particularly if you’re thinking of wearing a strapless dress, often a problem for brides, and so rarely a good look, most emphatically from behind. As, you know, all the guests will be seeing you as you say your vows. Just sayin. A little double sided tape never hurt anyone.

  11. chacha1 says:

    That is utterly classic.  I can’t believe the “Romance Novels Series” didn’t go further.  Somebody needs to send this page to Mattel, they have no idea the breadth (or depth, LOL) of their potential market.

    I <3 Jude Deveraux.  There was this ridiculous four-novel series she did with a Velvet title theme, I think the first one was “Velvet Song,” and I read them multiple times with undiminished glee.

  12. Sarah says:

    I love this so much, it hurts.  I especially like mention of accouterments [sic] on the back of her box, though I suppose since said accoutrements are faux leather belt boots, it kind of makes sense.

  13. Sarah says:

    Um, I meant on the back of THE box in my previous comment.  Not HER box.  Oops.

  14. Rosa E. says:

    I’ve never actually read The Raider, but I need this set. I have a 12”-figure-scale white horse, too; I could set up a whole tableau on the bookshelf and bask in the crazy.

  15. Jodie Pierce says:

    Excellent post! I haven’t read anything this funny in a long time! Thanks for taking your time to create such an extravagant and thought provoking post. You are truly a creative genius!

    I would love to see some Game of Thrones, LOTR (complete with little Golum) Ken/Barbie dolls. I would like to see Anne Rice’s Lestat Ken and maybe even a Queen of the Damned Barbie! I would pay heftily for that! They need to make more of the specialty barbies to include movies, tv shows and novels of course. I think we all should come together and flood them with letters requesting this. Surely they wouldn’t be able to ignore us, right?

    Mattel has taken so many hits over the decades but this 14 year old adult thing just sent me off my rocker! Unreal!

    Thanks again for sharing!

  16. DC Stone says:

    Omg, I’m pissing my pants with this post. I think you’re spot on with an Anita doll. I’d also love to see Larissa Ione’s Thanatos. Imagine the leather pants!

    DC
    http://Www.authordcstone.com

  17. Darlynne says:

    Best start to my morning in a very long time.

    Other couples: ANY of the Black Dagger brothers … no, never mind, V and Butch, together. With the Escalade, which no one that size could ever fit in. Maybe some black candles to go with all that leather.

    SB Sarah, no romance novel dolls can ever be as awesome as your play-by-play commentary. Thanks for every word.

  18. Joni Obert says:

    Stop! Stop! I am laughing too hard .. I’ve read this story, a long time ago. The play by play with the dolls was so damn funny.

  19. I’m just happy I haven’t read a heroine who was the epitome of distressed womanhood in a long time. Wrist to forehead indeed.

  20. I’m laughing too hard to even suggest a novel set… *wipes tears from eyes* Best post EVAH!

  21. OMG I NEED ONE!!  ROFL!!  That is great.  And I really loved the “A windy hedgehog exploded on his head.”  Bwahahaha….so well written!!  I am dying here!

    Of course, I should not be surprised since when I went to China to adopt my CHINESE daughter, the hotel we stayed in gave us a highly coveted Mattel Barbie set of a CAUCASIAIN Mom holding a CHINESE baby!

    Oh Barbie….

  22. Lisa Medley says:

    Oh, Sarah…you had me at Barbie. You never disappoint. You should hang a special shelf over your writing desk to proudly display this treasure. Just be glad she wasn’t naked with dreadlocks in a flea market, her ‘treasures’ on display for all.

  23. Can I just say three things?

    1. I LOVE the skirt of BarbieJessica’s gown. It’s gorgeous!

    2. KenAlexander’s face creeps me out.

    3. Your commentary is hilarious!

    Congrats on winning the bid and thanks for sharing with us.

    Captcha=better84, as in “it would be better if there were 84 variations of this!”

  24. Jennifer says:

    Did anyone else notice that “accoutrements” is misspelled?! Hilarious!

  25. LOL! That really is an amazing set even if it is rather absurd. I checked out his nipples pic, are you sure this particular KenAlexander doesn’t have equipment? No other Ken has nipples. You might just have to strip him down. ; )

  26. Kimber Vale says:

    Jennifer!  That’s because they are a-cooter-ments. Subliminal messaging.

  27. Jennifer says:

    Kimber! You betcha! That’s exactly how I read the word in my head and nearly snorted water all over the screen.

  28. Mia says:

    Truly fantastic. We must start petitioning Mattel to begin the series anew.

    And it shouldn’t be hard to find a romance publisher willing to woo the pre-YA market in this fashion.  Quite possibly Hachette licensed out the Twilight line – unless it was a movie tie-in.Or if they didn’t, maybe they wish they did?

    No, the hard part will be finding who at Mattel has a sense of romance (and humor). At this point, they should have a handle on how many Bellas they sold.

    The actual legal part of the licensing isn’t tricky – I worked on something similar between a textbook publisher and American Girl dolls some years ago.

    So much of me says oooh oooh lets go for it.

  29. Cate says:

    Nalini Singh ALL THE WAY. Angels and Changelings and Psys OM MY! (Seriously, do you know how much I would pay for my very own Rafael?! *squeesplode*)

  30. L. says:

    Say what you will but I would kill for Barb’s dress in the first picture.

    And is it just me or when the dolls are in the box does it look like Barbie’s trying to get away from Ken [Do Not Want] but he has her trapped in the kung-fu grip of his big hands?

  31. Oh you HAD me breathless with laughter at the horse refusing them and their BIGGER hair but you really drove the railroad spike through my forehead at the windy exploding hair hedgehog. LOVE this and I think someone should send this to Mattel toute de suite, so that they can revive the romance cover dolls.

  32. Kwana says:

    No joking and I don’t care who laughs, I adored Barbie as a kid and I would so buy this doll today! I still have a collector My Fair Lady Barbie that I won’t take out of the box for the outfit and as a kid I spent hours hand stitching clothes for my Barbie. This thing is a total work of art. And that cray cray cover art gravity defying hair is just fabulous. I love everything about the fact that this make no good sense at all. Thanks for this fantastic post.  Sidebar: Ken totally looks like Rob Lowe from Behind The Candelabra. Just sayin’

  33. Wolf Lahti says:

    Is that sample from the book typical of the writing in romance novels? I am literally in pain.

  34. Wild hair says:

    Goodness… Barbie/J actually having to do some cognitive thinking…“Can a woman love two men at the same time? You for the Intelligence,the Raider for kisses…”

    This is so showing slut tendencies. Two men!!

  35. OK, NOW they gotta make the characters from the Sookie Stackhouse novels. I want a Vampire!Ken with retractable fangs and an accessory six-pack of True Blood. 😛

  36. Griffin says:

    OMG, I laughed SO hard. Now I think I have to scare up a copy of this book just because 🙂  And because I fruitlessly googled the romance novels collection and came up empty, here at least are some Jamie and Claire dolls as a consolation prize (though sadly no hilarious box to put them in).

    http://pinterest.com/pin/526358275168828468/

  37. EmD says:

    This post is amazing. Like, no other words amazing.

    I’d want to see a Garwood historical Barbie/Ken because kilts!, A LoS Dain/Jessica set, and lots of Psy/Changelings because I think that would be pretty awesome.

  38. I didn’t think I could smile this much so early in the morning, and without my second cup of coffee—ah, the power of Barbie 🙂  Thanks, Sarah!

  39. Tawania says:

    This post was priceless, Thanks!

  40. beccah W. says:

    I’m seriously not kidding when I say that I’ve wanted this barbie set for so long! I just want to have it on a shelf to look at 🙂

    And thank you so much for brightening my day. My father just passed away on Saturday, and this made me so happy! Love me some Barbie (and barbie + romance is just unreal)

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